Why I read books about death

When I was younger and I first realized that I was an animal, I realized that death would come for me too one day. It was a dizzying thought and terrifying. I coped with that fear by telling myself that youth would protect me. My parents would protect me. My fragility, though it may be reality, was a reality that I did not have to acknowledge, so I just put it away.

I found a lot of comfort in my military career because it was full of life affirming physical experiences. One day I couldn't run up the mountain and in another week I could. Then a week later I could run it faster. I felt strong and invincible and lonely in a way that felt distant. All of the tender passages within me were completely unknown to anyone else. I also felt that I might die young, but if I did, it would be sudden and even if it was tragic mistake, it would be seen as a death for a cause. There was no need to fear it because it was completely unknowable and would likely come while I was strong and fully alive. There would be no long journey between alive and dead, just the flip of a coin.

I have never felt called to a career or a purpose. I have always felt that whatever I did was simply the next thing that I had to do with purpose. I never searched for meaning or felt like I was building up to rewards in the future. That doesn't mean that I haven't sought meaning, understanding and fulfillment, just that I have never been one of those people who feels like they are always climbing a ladder. Wherever I find myself I will stand fast and engage the world from there.

When I fell in love with Satu, meaning changed for me. Though I am a very loving person and have felt love in my life before, there was a richness to it that I had never experienced. I had never really looked into someone's eyes and seen that they were risking something too. With Satu, just feeling her heart beating as we embrace is a reminder of how fragile these bodies are and how much hope and life and meaning is beating just below the surface.

With all of the passages within me finally known, I feel loved, understood, happy and truly at home for the first time in my life, but I also feel fragile. I feel worried about protecting our place in the world. I feel like a dangling toy waiting to be pounced by age and chance and all the while feeling complete and happy for the first time.

I often wonder if Satu feels overwhelmed by these feelings too. When you don't know what you are, or feel all of the parts of you, there is no reason to fear the future. In fact, it holds nothing but possibility. Now, I know that I am loved and seen, not just by my family, which I have had all of my life to feel and grow comfortable with, but also by my wife. There is no hiding from her. There is no amount of acting strong that will make me feel strong. I am trying to adjust to feeling this much meaning in my life and finally knowing what my purpose is while knowing what I have known since I was a child. Life is temporary. We are animals. If it were infinite, I suppose there would be nothing at stake. Losing the element of time would drain the meaning from everything.

Still, I wish for infinity. Every animal twinge in my gut or ache in my body that is not the kind that you feel while getting stronger reminds me that I am a temporary thing. I want a place for this fear where I can keep it from stealing away these good times. These are the best times in my life and when I look at all that I have, I see all that I could lose. I think that that is why some of the best days, when I feel most alive end in the most overwhelming fear.

As I read my books about death and love and meaning, I am looking for the right way to think about the things that I already know. I don't want to feel young again or alone. I just want to feel all of this love and fragility without also feeling the acute awareness of time. Time is the element that I was never aware of before. I hope it will be like the buzzing of power lines; something that you become used to and stop noticing after a while. Until then though, I am just listening.

through better and gross

Lately I feel like it must be hard for Satu, who is a very tidy, good smelling, aware of her surroundings person, to stay so even keeled in this house. Our beautiful, but weird cat likes to throw up in doorways. She usually does this in the wee hours of the morning so that Satu can find it when she wakes up. Maybe this is why Satu never sleeps well, her mind is always somewhat alert listening for puking cats and axe murderers.

Gimmie no longer smells like a skunk, but I really don't bath him because he hates it so much. He smells a little like a wild animal. (if wild animals wore dirty gym socks)

For my part, I recently had a little stomach bug and was actually surprised to wake up and find sweet notes for me by the coffee pot instead of empty closets. I thought for sure Satu would need a long, solitary vacation after that. Maybe in the desert.

Winter in Ohio is how you know your people love you. They will be trapped inside with you for months doing puzzles if they want to survive the weather. They will be putting their bare, frozen feet on your softest, squirmiest parts to stay warm and if you love them you will only put up a small fuss. Trapped inside for the winter, the oxe will break a lot of things, Hopefully just mundane, replaceable things, but occasionally something more. There are broken wine glasses and spilled soup in our past and probably future. Even still, she writes little hearts on the notes that she leaves.

My wife looks like a rockstar

My wife and I have a standing date to do holiday things together. One of my favorite holidays is Halloween which we spend watching moderately dark movies or shows and jumping up to hand out candy to a parade of neighborhood children.

I would rather do this with her than go to any party or watch a parade of black cats in costumes, or whatever weird shit the young people are into these days.

Trick or treating had already started when I got home from work. Neighbors were out grilling and helping little goblins and butterflies cross the street. Sugar buzzed laughter and the click clatter of running children was background to everything in our usually quiet neighborhood.

When I got home, my wife met me at the door looking like a rockstar, and by that, I mean looking like she always does... a total bad ass. She is has such a confident walk and demeanor that there is always a little oh my god element when I first see her. She was wearing orange pants and a black tee shirt which only enhanced the whole rockstar thing. She always seems a little flirty and mysterious. Apart from being too nice and too polite to actually be a rock star, there is virtually no difference between Satu and anyone you might see on tour. I imagine young girls everywhere following her around like groupies. I am not sure why they don't. but probably because she has never made eye contact with them. When Satu looks you in the eyes, your heart forgets what its job is. It just stands there all loose and warm in your chest for a second before picking up the beat and marching on.

I have never gotten used to this. In fact, I have recently realized that Satu and I don't make a lot of eye contact for this reason. Yes, we look at each other, but she is careful to keep her eyes moving about slowly as we talk. If they linger or if I catch her gaze full on when I am not ready, I still have the sensation of falling for a moment.

I hope that I always feel that way when she looks at me. I think that only part of it is the way that I feel. I think that the other half of what is so electric is how I know that she feels when she looks at me.

My rockstar may be unknown to the world at large, but she could take the stage by storm any moment that she chooses.

Take a chance girlfrang, TAKE IT!

Satu,

In this life, the best thing anyone gets out of it is happiness and purpose. Even people who build giant businesses and look successful to their parents aren't always happy with the work that they do and where it takes them. You deserve better than that. You deserve the joy that comes with feeling productive and appreciated.

You are a person with vision, you see things differently and because of the unique way that you learn and investigate, you mind is full of vision. You know things about things, but more than that, when you are inspired, you are brilliant. You are undeniably happy. When you are making a blue monster wreath or a string of pictures for us, don't you feel better to be expressing some unique inner vision? I know that you resist being too proud, but that book that you made me is really the most beautiful gift I have ever gotten and if there was one thing in my life that I would save in a fire (besides you, shitty wok and pantaloons) that would be it.

I don't know how it feels to be you when you allow yourself the freedom to imagine those things and then plan them and do it. I know that sometimes the precision work is not as fun as the idea, but I imagine that you feel like I do when I get into my brain about some new invention or plan. I feel inspired and purposeful.

Fuck what your mom thinks. You deserve to be happy. Fuck what the world thinks. You deserve to feel like the beautiful person you are. Fuck what the unwashed masses think. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!!! I am your people and you are your people. You can choose to weed out the things that do not matter to you, including the assholes who keep putting you down because you have the audacity to walk tall and to keep your chin up even though you are a woman. Seriously. FUCK THEM! You know that is what is going on. You are not in the right place because you can no longer find a way to take pride in the work that you do there. It is not the place, it is not the mission there or the lack of mission, it is that dealing with those people that you do not choose erodes the joy that you naturally have in your heart.

You should know that all of those people are probably good at times too. They love to see surprise bunnies and teach their kids to ride bikes, but spending life without meaningful work or hope shackles the soul. Their dark clouds rain on you every day. Leave that place for the sun.

I don't care if it is hard on our finances. Poor people who have hope and vision are happier than rich ones who don't really feel a part of anything. We have both lived on less before and been perfectly happy. If you don't know what's next, that's fine too. Just keep walking toward the sun and away from what makes you doubt yourself and crushes your tender soul. Any step in that direction is the right step. If we fail, we will fail together, but we probably won't fail. In fact any life that you can feel happy about, any days that you can spend pursuing something meaningful, talking about things that you think are important is not a failure. That is a successful life. Let's live one of those.

People let you down

People disappoint you. That is part of being the best person that you know how to be. Satu was raised by people who were always nice to strangers and who believed in diamonds in the rough. Her people were only ever mean to her or eachother, never ones to judge strangers and always quick to point out a stereotype.

My people sometimes let stereotypes go or silently agreed with some really fucked up stuff, but at their core there was always some common thread between us and the rest of the world. That gave us the security to call a black person an ass hole without feeling like it was a race thing. Maybe it is just an ass hole thing. We called white ass holes what they were without feeling like we were in some kind of group with them just because we shared a skin tone.

Maybe that is the difference between growing up lower or middle class. You know that a fancy shirt doesn't make you smart or nice and a hand me down dress doesn't either. You are what you are and you should be treated accordingly.

When I was growing up, I had lots of jobs in food service or retail. I remember trying to run the register at a health food store on my first day there and being dressed down in public by a lady with nose cancer because I didn't know what hippy dippy herb she was looking for. I still feel about an inch tall when I think about how paralyzed I felt and how all of the words backed up in my brain somewhere behind my hot, ringing heartbeat.

Satu is experiencing the same thing now, which she shouldn't be at this point in her life because she doesn't have to, Somehow instead of feeling more stable and established, she has started to doubt herself, so when people treat her like shit, the wall is a little lower than it was before.

Bad people treat you like shit, especially if you aren't. It makes them feel even stronger to take on someone who looks like Satu. She seems like a tank, wears an air of confidence and when she shows you kindness, sometimes you know it is just because she is a genuinely good and kind person.

Shitty people get under there and destroy from within. I wish that Satu could spend a second seeing herself the way that most people see her. She would understand why people who are disillusion and
angry will never trust her. They don't trust anyone, never had someone be kind for no reason and don't know how to treat strangers as if they have the same tender fragile souls that we all have somewhere.

I hope that as our lives go on Satu finds more people who will love her as much as I do. I want her to feel surrounded by people who realize how special she is. I want everyone to laugh when she surprises them of feel  their hearts break when she looks them in the eyes. It is the way people should connect.

I wish that I could keep her away from ass holes, but I think that one of the things I like best about Satu is that she will never assume that the next person will be as bad as they are, and the constant let down surprises her.

All of us deserve better than that. Being a person is hard enough without all of the other people that are trying to do it breaking you down.

The expert in things

When Satu gets interested in something, she studies it and learns it like it was her life's work. It is a constant exercise for her. She is an expert in many things because if she is going to do a thing, she will not do it half way.

Since I have been with her, I have seen her become an expert in plane crashes. She knows what went wrong in many crashes and is interested enough to follow up after the investigation is not in the news.

Satu is an expert in cigars and restored her own humidor which she populates with collections that interest her for various reasons. Usually she will find a theme and go with it.

Satu is an expert in cats. She speaks fluent cat and patiently studied our new cat and taught the scruffy stray how to play, chase and stalk her without viciously attacking like many cats do.

She is an expert in prop furniture for two different television shows and will carefully hunt down and catalog everything in the background from tables to books to drinkware.

My beautiful wife is now becoming an expert in pipes. She doesn't want to smoke, but she has her father's old pipe and wants to restore it. I think there must be something about this object that makes her feel connected to the owner.

I  think with the other pursuits there is something about learning about little sub-groups by finding one little niche to explore. It is a doorway to becoming a part of more and developing a bigger life.

Since we have been together, Satu has become an expert in me. It is one of the reasons that I know without a doubt that she loves me. She knows my body language when I don't realize my body is talking and she knows exactly the right weight to put into a caress or a hug. I am flattered that she can imitate me or speak my mind even when I don't think she could possibly know what I am thinking.

Satu will probably find a new interest to learn next week or next month, but she will always know me better than any other person could.

A minus

My wife has lived her whole life without ever knowing her blood type. She has been through two surgeries and has a medical record the size of a dictionary, but it is missing the A,B and O pages, so she ordered a test to solve the mystery once and for all.

Satu is able to handle a lot of pain, but not a tiny ounce of blood escapes her without a fight. Her original plan was to wait until she hurt herself naturally and just gather the blood rolling down her leg or her arm. We waited until a shelf attacked her at work and she came home with a nasty scab to pick.

Unfortunately, the scab didn't produce enough blood to test, so I had to hold her hand down and stick her with the little needle as she protested and wiggled and turned green in her seat. Then we squeezed the blood out of her finger onto four little circles and watched for the formation of some blots. It was like looking for shapes in the cloud; You would think that you see a positive reading, or is that a horse or a turtle instead? When the blood dried, I compared the results to the key provided in the test and proclaimed her A negative. Satu was offended. She was sure that she had earned an A plus and the fact that I am A positive made her competitive. She was not going to accept the test results because she feels like her blood should be A+ or maybe some very very rare type that no one has ever heard of.
I think it is important to know your blood type in case you get shot by terrorists or fall off of a moving bus while trying to catch a fleeing villain as he disappears into the subway. When you get to the hospital, you want to be able to tell the bartender exactly what kind of pint you will have before you pass out. If you don't know your blood type, they may just fill you up with salad dressing or something. Who knows. So if something ever happens to my love, I will take her to the hospital and she will say that she doesn't know her blood type and I will tell them that she's A negative, just the rare strain of A negative. You know the type that makes you the most unique, most funny, positive and competitive and irrational kind of person in the world. And please bring the best doctor that you have, because if they can't make her well in 20 minutes, I am going to start losing my cool. and I am the type to draw blood.

I wants to keeps it in me bog

Satu and I have some typical night time rituals now that we have been married officially for over a year. I like to go to bed early because I get up early. If I am going to have a panic attack that night, it will usually start right about the time that she is ready to try to sleep. Just as she closes her eyes, mine will open wide as I try to breathe all of the air out of the room.
Satu is a saint. Even after a couple of years of this, she still offers me a comforting hand and a few calming words before pulling down her batman mask without the eye holes.
Luckily, the bad nights like those are becoming more rare as we are figuring out life in Ohio and I have decided to never, ever take another class or do homework of any kind.
Usually, our night time rituals are calming. I fall asleep after the kitty has had enough pats and scratches and starts attacking Satu's feet.  In this state, I am still awake, but totally useless. Satu says that I sometimes talk, sometimes snuggle and sometimes fight the VC, I was in this state when I reached over to pat my wife gently on the cheek, but she found the limp, clammy handed caress incredibly creepy. "I wants to keeps it in me bog." she wheezed in her swamp thing voice. At the time that was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life, so we both lay awake laughing until we ached. In my dreams I might swim the Atlantic ocean with helicopter support or carry a house up a hill by myself. I am pretty sure that Satu dreams of high stress shootouts and flying spaceships like a boss.
While I sleep, Satu lies beside me with multiple electronic devices. She will not bring a laptop to bed because people say that it discourages restfulness, so instead, she uses her tiny, wallet sized phone to read on and will surf the web for Japanese pipes, dogs in regal attire, or God knows what else. She likes to read with only one eye open. I hope it is because she is sleeping with the other eye, but I doubt it. Even if she is sleeping, she is probably having bad dreams.
Unlike me, my wife doesn't look to me for comfort. I often find her awake in the middle of the night reading with one eye and just waiting to be able to slow her heart rate.
Sometimes our wind down time will include trying to situate the dog between us so that no one is directly in the line of fire for his stinky, fish breath. On nights when we are both in early, she finds me videos of turtles eating tomatoes or elephants in swimming pools to keep me in a good mood.
I can't sleep until I have gotten out of bed a few times to fetch different things like water or crackers or the pillow I left on the couch. Satu can't sleep until she is good and damn ready and no amount of fatigue is going to speed that up for her brain. It is ready when it is ready.
Our nightly rituals may not involve warm milk or bedtime stories, but I feel like our bed is home base. What I like most about working day shift is that I get to enjoy these moments at the end of the day with my beautiful wife. No matter how many times I have to get out of bed before it is time to sleep. I always want to get back in and run the palm of my hand across Satu's relaxing brow. I do in fact " wants to keeps it in me bog."

First year of marriage

Tomorrow I will have been married to Satu for one year. Here is what I have learned about marriage in the first year.

1. It is not the same as being a long time companion, dating or being a significant other. It is much better to have a wife. When you have a wife, you don't have to explain to anyone that it is serious. People respect marriage in a way that they wouldn't respect any other commitment.

2. I love being married! I love having a wedding ring and the idea that what I have with Satu is meant to last forever. I love being her person. She is my best friend and she is the only person who knows me as well as my own sister.

3. When you are married and you get in trouble for something, you can just blame the other person for marrying you in the first place. For example " I'm sorry I threw out the fresh coffee, but you knew that I wasn't observant when you married me, so you don't get to be mad now."

4. Some days it doesn't feel any different than before we were married, but then I remember her holding my hot, shaking hands when we said our vows, and I know that I will never be the same.

5. When you are married, you get to imagine growing old together and not have parallel thoughts about what would happen if you were alone. You can plan to take care of each in a way that is impossible to do without marriage.

6. Anniversaries are better when they are for the day that you married instead of a first date or a first kiss. Who knows the exact date that you fall in love with someone? It is a process that you get caught up in and then suddenly realize that you are in love. I will always know the day that my beautiful wife told me that she would love me in sickness and in health, for better or worse.

All I have to do is be me and continue to pour all of my love and imagination and happiness into this life that we are building. I think that loving Satu is my real goal in life. I go to work with a happy heart and do well because I am in love. I notice things in the world because I want to see them with her. The first thing I think of when I hear something funny is if she would laugh too.

Satu is my person. She will be my person as long as we are both us and I cant think of a more important thing in the world.

Tornado in a box.

Satu has started sailing on Tuesday nights on the lake with a group of women. It seems like a really fun time for her and she is naturally athletic and naturally social though she would tell you otherwise. Last Tuesday, I worked a bit late because I was in no real hurry to get home, but when I drove up, Satu's car was still in the garage.

I figured that sailing had been cancelled, but then I saw that her bag and some clothes were behind the car and kind of piled up. When I went inside, Satu was furiously going through some clothes in the bedroom. She had lost her keys in the house. I did my normal thing when I don't know what to do. I just started doing random stuff, walking around and moving things and looking at stuff as if her keys might be in the potted plant or under the dog food bowl.

I started asking questions, but this just made the fire hotter, and the woman that is normally calm and level headed in any situation boiled over. Witnessing the energy that she generated in her hands and chest was amazing, but scary. It was like watching a tornado in a box with no place to go. She just kept churning and throwing out her hands. Wanted to hold her and reassure her, but that is never what a tornado wants.

Finally my brain cleared up and I thought about giving her my keys so she could get to the meet and I could look for the keys. My brain wasn't clear enough to remember that I was almost out of gas, but Satu reminded me when she called. I had to do some googling to find the address for the right marina, since she'd only gone from work before and never from home. Luckily, she made it at the last second and I fished her keys out of the junk drawer in the kitchen where she must have dropped them when she was getting a bag for her snacks. In that drawer there is a basket of miscellaneous stuff, so to a busy brain, it just says, drop keys here.

Though I never want to see Satu get mad at me like that, it was really great to see how much raw, emotional power she normally contains under her cool exterior. I know that if anyone ever messed with me, I could count on that little tornado to shut them down. She really is an incredible force of nature. I am pretty sure that I saw fire exploding from her fingertips when she tensed her hands and swung them out at the world. I am thrilled at the contrast of how lovingly she can use those same hands to comfort me and to make me feel safe.

Loyalty

I think that Satu would describe herself as loyal, but I don't think that most people understand exactly how true and how deep and how much a part of her that one trait is. Satu is not grudgingly loyal, doing what she says that she will because she wants your respect, or in any way gives a fuck about being recognized for her loyalty. Satu is loyal because she is a good person, because she thinks of others as much or more than she thinks of herself and lets that compass guide her.
Satu is the type of loyal that doesn't take a day off, even though she has pneumonia, because someone where she works is having a crisis worse than that, and he can't be there. If she is in, she is 100% in. She does not cancel plans, she does not back out of things, even when it occurs to her that she needs to. She will worry about what others would have to go through and then go through twice the hell to save them the trouble.
Satu is loyal because she is good. She probably has the same shitty little voices that all of us do, but what she listens to is the one that tells her how to stand fast in the face of insulting people and put on a brave face for her coworkers, how to go to bat for the underdog and how to put herself between the storm and anyone else who may be in its way.
She has stood by me and protected me in really rocky moment's when I am less than what I should be. She has held my hand and soothed my fears in the middle of the night when she desperately needed sleep and comfort herself.
I know that sometimes Satu worries that I put her on a pedestal, but I don't really think that I do. I see all of the ways that she is human, but I see her resilient and strong in all of the ways that really matter to me. I know that I can always count on her to be real, to try hard and to be there when it counts.
I hope that she also knows those things about me. There is nothing in this world that I would choose over her, and no place I wouldn't go to stand beside her. Though I may not have her strength, I do have her loyalty, and in me, it comes from really knowing and feeling love.

I GOT BIRFDAY FLURRRS!!

I don't think that Satu knows what a girl I am about flowers. Of all of the romantic cliche's, giving flowers to your love is the only one that I think I ever cared about. I have always known that if you get someone a bouquet and have it delivered, it means that you really, really love someone. You are into them and you want them to know that they are special. Of all of the wonderful things that Satu has done for me, getting me flowers means something big. It means that she's not bored and that she wants me to feel special.

Satu sent me home to see my granny on her 90th birthday. She got me a plane ticket and let me go because she knows that it would matter to granny. It really did. She was so surprised to see me and happy that I came.

I am really glad to be with someone who understands how important family is. They didn't just make you who you are, they stay connected in some way all of your life. I know that her family isn't that easy for her, but she really understands the connection that people feel for their blood. Those stories belong to you in a way that the stories of strangers can't.

I think Satu worries that I want things for my birthday and that I analyze the gifts for signs that she is willing to sacrifice for me. That couldn't be further for the truth. What I really want to know in my heart is that Satu loves me, accepts me and understands me. Yesterday was a great birthday for me. Satu showed me that she really gets me more than anyone else in the world.

Just don't look

My lady has a weird need to look at grotesque and disturbing things. Just healing from a chest cold, Satu had to look at pictures of lungs online. I'm not sure what phrase she had to type in to figure out where the snot is before you cough it out. I definitely don't want to know. She also has to investigate all plane crashes and follow the investigations as they unfold.
Satu is the kind of person who feels like you have to look disaster straight in the eye until it backs down. She is also a multi-tasker, so while she is looking at lungs and plane crashes, she is also researching life jackets and self diagnosing her knee pain. "I think it's my patella," she just said to me. We are listening to an audiobook that she is following, but I am missing because I can't think these blog thoughts and hear about palladium.
Maybe Satu's mind has different rooms, while mine is just a gigantic ballroom for random thoughts.

Satu has graciously shared her cold with me. She made soup tonight and has been giving me plenty of soothing attention. Since I am not nauseous, I feel okay about hosting these new germs until my body moves them on. I don't feel good, but I am not dying or scarred. I'll probably be fine as long as I don't have to see anymore slimy lungs.

I am glad that Satu is such a head into the wind kind of person, it means that she can shelter my tender heart by knowing stuff so that I don't have to. I think I always believe the best about the world. And though Satu is hopeful and optimistic, she knows better than to believe foolishly like I do. She locks doors behind me, hands me my purse in public spaces and always has an appropriate weapon and an escape plan just in case. This frees me up to see all of the puppies and kittens an butterflies that are beyond all of the unpleasant things that I have to overlook to see them. Satu's got that, I'll be over there feeding pound cake to a raccoon.

The difference between when I am sick and when Satu is sick

Right now, Satu has a terrible summer cold. She is dizzy and wheezy and feels like crap. She will still go to work tomorrow. She still puts on clothes (something I don't even do sometimes when I am well) and she will still do lots of the things she normally does, just with a stiff upper lip and coughing the whole time. When Satu is sick, it makes her seem kind of depressed and occasionally angry at her body. When I am sick, I get scarred and insufferable.
Satu has vacuumed the house, studied her book about sailing and learned to tie a bunch of knots using her feet. This weekend I was not sick, and mostly I just dug around in the yard listening to audio books on because I didn't want to sit down and read. It takes away from my candy crush addiction which I think I may need to see someone about.
A moment ago, my sick wife put down the textbook that she was studying and pulled a splinter out of my hand and got a band aid on me. Even when I am supposed to be taking care of her, she takes better care of me than I do her. Don't get me wrong, I give it my best shot, I make soup and tea and hover around with my eyebrows all knotted up, but ultimately, the soup is not homemade and the tea cups usually have honey dripping down the outside somewhere. When Satu is sick, it makes me worry, which kind of makes me act like an asshole. I get frustrated and short tempered and worried so I dither and implode.
When I am sick, I assume that I am close to death. I am afraid that feeling mildly unwell means that worse things are on the way and that I am surely showing the first signs of a disease that will melt me from the inside out. If I feel the slightest bit nauseous, I imagine that it will only be a short time before I am reduced to a struggling desperate soul clinging to life from my puddle of bile and moaning like a creature in a haunted house. When I look over at Satu calmly reading her book, I wonder why she can be so calm. Does she have no fear at all. Then I realize that it is because she is always calm. Even when she worries, she stays in complete control. I have never seen her pace. I have never seen Satu do anything timidly. Even when she was afraid to get on an airplane during a storm, she just suffered quietly (while I offered the opposite of reassurance) and had what I imagine was a tidy, brief nervous poo. Then she gathered her bag, stuck out her chin and got on the plane.  I think that was for her the same situation that I face when I am ill, yet she sucked it up and got on with things.
Is it any wonder that I find Satu so calming, grounding and comforting? I don't know how I can do this same thing for her. I may be a very caring and attentive person, but on the inside, I am always just one firing neuron away from downright hysteria. Satu is always one firing neuron away from having an idea.
I know that she will feel better soon because she is hungry and her coughing is getting better, but I do have to keep reminding myself that if she isn't worried, I shouldn't be.

The one who gets it

Satu is the only person in the world I can count on to know me with out the need for explanation. Today when I had to have one of my more and more frequent stressful moments of conscience implosion, Satu didn't make me feel dumb, she made me feel safe.
Usually I feel a little uncertain about my reality. I worry that my fears skew things and I don't know if I am a good person or a bad person. Satu always takes me seriously, even when I don't deserve it. She holds me when all she wants to do is be her own island. She makes time for me when she would prefer to be feeding her funny little brain the raw materials of her creativity.
I think it is amazing that we can be so different, but she can bring me back to myself so easily, just with the sound of her voice. I find her breathing and her presence and all of the ways that she just goes about being her so calming.
Right now, Satu is typing on her computer and explaining to me that the noise I hear is two neighborhood cats fighting and not a child being murdered. She is so calm and sure. I feel lucky to be here with her in our quiet home, listening to the terrifying neighborhood sounds while she looks up Japanese mushroom hats online or whatever random thing she is looking at. This is the best home in the world.

Call and response

Sometimes when Satu and I are mucking about the house on a Sunday or if the stars align perfectly and we have a day off together, Satu will call to me from the other room. Not really a call, more like a little chirp from a song bird. "Hi baby" she will chirp. "Hi girlfrang" I will call back. This seems like it would be enough to establish that we see each other and are acknowledging our love for each other, but once started, this could go on for quite a while.
I now understand why birds do this for hours. On the one hand, it is compulsive and distracting, but on the other it is like having a really long hug without getting overly hot and having to be stuck in one place for an hour. We even do the call and response on the phone. It totally has the same effect.

"Hi baby" (I don't have anything to say, but you are the most important thing in my life and I love you)

"Hi honey" (I miss you even though I am standing next to you because I love you so much that I can never get enough of you."

Now, when I am at work or I am away from home, often I will hear her voice chirping to me and it makes me feel connected. When I think of her, I hear it, when I am sleeping, I hear it and when I am just living my life, I feel like those simple words are always there like the noise of my own personal forest where I am most at home.

YAAAAAY! School is over!

Forever! Now where did I put my brain? I feel like it has been years since I was able to live without the crushing sense of impending, never ending obligations. I don't think I could have done one more paper, one more discussion forum or spent one more Sunday morning in bed reading case studies while Satu and I should be doing something together.

Now, as I emerge from this 4 year long academic boot camp, a little fatter and paler, the first thing I want is a date night with my wonderful wife. School has always been hard for me, not because I am dumb, but because I am extremely averse to letting other people decide whether I am dumb or not. As hard as school was for me though, it was just as hard for my wife. All of the late nights spent giving me reassuring pats while I am a panic stricken, wide eyed paranoid ass hole. All of those things we could have done together if I hadn't been writing papers about things that happened in the business world a decade ago.

Satu deserves better, and now I can help make it better for her. We can finally go back to being two people in a relationship, rather than one person waiting for half of a person to have time to buck up and help out.

This weekend I was writing four papers the moment I woke up. Satu came in and put the dog on the bed with me, but I didn't even know she had been in the room. Later after a pee break, I came into the bedroom amazed to find our geriatric lab had somehow gotten up on the bed.

"She's been there for hours!" Satu exclaimed. I wish I could say that this is an isolated incident, but it's not. I never know were my keys are, if I paid the light bill, how to turn things on or off, or where we keep the things that I use everyday. I have rediscovered the lotion several times a week for two years.

The thing I am most looking forward to now is rediscovering my wife. I want to wake up on a Sunday with her and not have a plan already made. I want to help with the house and go out to eat without slipping into a brain numbing ocd episode about how someone might have poisoned the food.

Most of all, I want to go back to being the kind of wife that is there for Satu as much as she is here for me. I can finally feel and appreciate the warmth of spring, which this time is not just a two week reprieve before starting back to class. This time, it is the start of a wonderful summer.

Things in our lives

Satu is a person who knows about things. She has an eye for detail and cares about all of the objects that she interacts with. When we started dating, the only things I had that I felt were related to my character were the books that I haphazardly collected and dispatched as I went through my life. I was populating my world with new things, bedspreads, couch, bar and such and I liked living with those things, but I probably would have liked any of a number of furnishings.

I like Satu's things, because they are part of the mystery of her mind and personality. For example, her things include rare bits from all over the world, yet she loves a little cedar box with horses painted against a dramatic sky seemingly as much as she likes the 15th century wooden Buddha with the snorkel on his head. Maybe not the same way, but with equal passion.

This week I have discovered that Satu has many, many stickers. She keeps them somewhere secret and seems to have one for any occasion. It is not a collection or anything, she is just a person who has stickers. The right ones at the right time. She also has the right dice for any game, the right color pen for any creation and the right other obscure thing that I don't yet know that I need.

Satu is not stingy with things, in fact, it seems like things in this home were probably out there in the world waiting to become a part of the family, and Satu knows where they belong. She put a fine leather wallet in my hand and when I liked it, she gave it to me immediately. She gave my mother a book that I am sure turned out to be one of her most prized possessions. It was as if she had known that she would come across the perfect home for it some time in her life and she knew when to let it go.

Because one of the things that we both like is lists, here is a list of things that I like and things that Satu likes and things that we both seem to like.

Things I like:

Wood that smells like wood in any capacity. I like wood to be brown and though I appreciate things that are smooth, when I think about wood as a material, I like it to be a little rough and rugged.

Anything soft and fleecy, especially if it is not a yucky color

Mechanical things like rulers and pulleys and articulating lights. I like complicated mechanical things that have lots of interacting parts especially if you can watch all the bits move.

Candles.  The small, controlled fire is really calming for me. I like candles that smell good and that cast shadows.

My dresser, because Satu got it for me and because I like the pretty blue color and the pattern of all the little shell pieces making up a smooth surface.

Things that Satu likes:

Anything clever, where a classic design is re-imagined yet somehow becomes simpler and better.

Things that are more thoughtful than they seem, like the silverware she chose with a really simple design and good weight.

Tools and other objects with good opening and closing action. I am not sure, but I imagine that nothing would irritate Satu like a trash can where the lid almost, but doesn't quite line up with the can. Fortunately, because she chose ours, we have a trash can that closes smoothly and quietly with a satisfying, understated click.

Earthy or animal like things like leather wrapping and cow skulls and smooth rocks.

Her father's old washer and dryer because they are his and because they are well made and reliable.

Things that we both like

Maps. They are so full of possibility and detail. In a map, the world looks perfect and knowable.

Bugs, frogs, lizards and all furry creatures. One of the things I like most about Satu is how curious she is about the world and how she is perfectly willing to live in it with other animals. Our interactions with animals are always worth sharing with each other because we both appreciate those chance encounters with other souls.

Brand new, sharp crayons and colored pencils.

Small secret things like the little metal pill with the hidden message in it that she gave me or the faceted hearts that make up her necklace that you may not know are hearts if you don't pay attention.


Satu does not carelessly select things that share her life, and that knowledge makes me feel really special and unique. She could have her choice of many women, yet she chose to make a life with me. I am so happy to have a home with her full of secret hiding places for stickers and marbles and cardboard battleships. I feel as if she selected me and always knew just where my heart belongs.

What it's like coming home to Satu

Satu is so small that she sinks down into the bed and gets lost in the wrinkles and shadows of the comforter. Every night I get the pleasure of discovering her like a buried treasure. If she is asleep, I can locate her from the waves of heat coming off of her body. Usually, in the winter, there will also be an animal or two curled up next to her for warmth. 

If I wake her like I have done tonight, she is fussy. She will stumble to the bathroom following the weight of her head as if it is a wrecking ball pulling the rest of her body behind it, bumping into walls and changing course. Though she may fuss a bit, she is surprisingly good-natured about being awakened and we often have our best laughs in the middle of the night. Smoove Jams!

Sometimes it feels like I have spent all day translating the foreign language of other people to finally come home and hear someone speak in my native tongue. I love the way she calls me baby or honey or any of the other little names that I have to her. 

When I come home and have to stay up for a bit, I like to come in and kiss her on her cheek or forehead while she sleeps. I like it so much that I often make a few trips in the bedroom to do it a couple of times. It is kind of thrilling like kissing a small wild animal while it sleeps. She usually makes some noises. She may think she is talking, I am not sure. It sounds like she is talking with her mouth closed. 

When I finally get to snuggle in with her, I like the feel of her heat and the soft rhythm of her breathing. I love the smell of her and just the relief that I feel being next to her and feeling safe. There is no doubt to me that I fit best in the world, where ever Satu is.

50 pounds of power in a 5 pound package

Satu is at once the smallest and the mightiest person that I have ever met. Not only does she have the heart of a lion, she can also act as brave, as bold and as protective as a lion.

Satu is so small that I sometimes lose her in the bed. The other night I came in an patted the sheets lovingly and said " I love...you're not here are you?" Then I heard her flush and wobble back to bed in that way she does when she's tired. She kind of lets her head pull her forward and it often takes her on a turn to the right before she catches her balance. Then she puts her chin down and her hands out and pin balls her way to bed bouncing off walls and furniture until she lands in bed. 

I have never been with someone smaller than me before,which seems strange because I am a giant woman with great big square hands and clown feet. Or, maybe I am a normal sized woman with some muscles, but whatever. It is hard to know. 

Satu is, without question, the most bold, brave, powerful woman I have ever known. She will tell you that she is not because she is humble, but just because she isn't forceful doesn't mean that she's not powerful. Satu acts. She does not dither. She does not shake or second guess. She does not play the fool or defer. She knows when she is right and does not apologize for it. She does not, as they say, take any guff. 

It is strange to me that so much power can come in such a small package, but I think that her size kind of gives her an advantage. You never see it coming until she fixes her sharp, clear eyes on you. I don't think anyone can look in those eyes and still think straight. She stops my heart in my chest when I catch her eyes. 

Satu is the kind of person that people remember years later because they had a chance encounter and she said the right thing because she could tell how they felt. She doesn't even know she has the effect that she does. If you ask her, she will tell you that she is nothing special, but she will look at you with those beautiful eyes and it will put the whole world on pause. Her voice is so rich and comforting and her touch has the perfect weight. 

Satu is the most beautiful, most powerful and most comforting woman I have ever met. And all that in a body so small that she gets lost in the bed. 

Smooth Jams

We are now at the point in our lives where I think we are actually considered people's "older friends." We hope that we are the cool older friends, but it is hard to know. There have been a few late nights in the ten minutes before we fall asleep in each others arms when we just laugh uncontrollably at the distance between us and the world around us.

One of my much younger lesbian friends at work attempted to connect in a meaningful way with me by asking if Satu and I like the same music and dialing up the 90's alternative station on pandora so we could talk about The Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees. When I told Satu about this, she bubbled over with joy. I think we probably woke the neighbors laughing about bands that we grew up with. Satu says I should have told her that we enjoy listening to smooth jams together. When I woke up this morning, she had left an old CD on the counter for me. I laughed and laughed. 

More than you might think I try to remember what I was like when I was younger and the world seemed so different. War was not ever something I thought about. I never felt connected to the world the way I do now that have found real love in my life. In my younger days I felt like my life was something that was happening to me.Right now, it is different. I feel like my life with Satu is something that we are doing together. 

I don't care if we are people's cool older friends or if we are just living in our own little world. I care that we are stepping forever closer to each other. Right now, connecting is really hard. Both of us spend so much time alone or working that those little moments when we laugh ourselves to sleep mean everything to me. I wish that they could carry Satu through the disconnected times as well, but I think it is much harder for her. I can carry moments with me better than she can. It is what makes me really slow to let go of the past and her mostly living in the moment. I know that our lives together will be full of midnight laughter and quiet Saturday mornings, I just hope that in the moments when she is lonely that Satu knows that too.

A wonderful coming home present

While I was recently gone for a week to see my parents, Satu had a great idea to bring warmth and love into our bedroom. When I came home I found these two wonderful photo displays.

These are some pictures of our life together, Satu chasing a horseshoe crab, interacting with birds, the world and each other. There is a picture of me smiling so big that I look like I am eating the world, which is how I feel when I see the pictures of us. All over the wall are little reminders of the weird and wonderful times we have together and the little gifts that show up in our world. I would rather spend my time with Satu than anywhere with anyone on earth. Her laugh is the sound that I most enjoy in this world and it makes me feel like a success when I get to hear it. 

For the first time in my life, I am with someone who knows me so well she can see the thoughts behind my actions. She not only knows my heart, she cares for it and protects it from the world, and now, she has made us a little place of our own where both our hearts can be seen in these pictures. 

Right now, these things are the things that make me feel more connected and secure since our lives are running on opposite schedules. I am potentially facing a promotion at work, which is good news for us, but also wouldn't change my schedule to a day time schedule as soon as we had hoped. These little reminders of our lives together help me stay focused and know that if I can just get through one week at a time, Satu and I will get to reconnect at the end of it and swap our stories and hold each other. The pictures and the warm, loving home that I come home to make everything else fade into the background.

Even though I will not be around when she reads these posts because I will likely be at work, I hope that my beautiful wife can feel my cool hand on her forehead and know that she is loved every single second of every day including those moments between two seconds where time stretches and one can get lost in the magnitude of it all.

Romance is the little details

Satu just might be the most romantic person I know. She's not flowery or watery eyed over sappy songs and affectation. She understands better than anyone I know that the best way to make someone feel loved is by paying attention to the little details, grand gestures are a once in a while thing. You might be able to swing a few of them in a lifetime, but there are little things that Satu does every day or so that make me feel so loved. She brings creativity and imagination to those gestures that make me feel loved.

I got an ink stain on my sweater which is totally expected, because I live my life as if I am naked and my skin is made of teflon. My clothes don't get a thought until I need a pocket to put something in or something to wipe my hands on. I do however have a few things that I really appreciate in a sweater, and top of that list is elbow pads. I want all of my clothes to have elbow pads, even the pants. This sweater is one of the few pieces that I have with elbow pads, so Satu knew that it was worth saving.

While I was away to see my family, Satu came up with this brilliant plan:

Even though I didn't ask, and sewing is not something that just seems fun to her, Satu made the little ink stain look like an x. Then she sewed a bunch of little green x's on the sweater so that it looked intentional. 

This alone would be one of those sweet little gestures that makes my heart feel impossibly full, but there was more. This is where the romance comes in:

She sewed this little heart on the inside where only I would know about it. She had to carefully avoid letting it bleed through. This is something she may be especially suited for actually. Satu has the biggest heart you could imagine. I think it is actually bigger than infinity, but she doesn't let everyone see it. I know though. I know that she is capable of an almost unimaginable love, and I am lucky to be a part of it. It is the little things that let you know that you are loved, but that knowledge is the biggest thing in the world. 

What is it like in her head

Sometimes it strikes me exactly how different Satu's inner landscape must be from mine. I think this picture is a good representation of what her thoughts are like:

Emotions know their place in her life don't leak over the boundaries screwing things up.Thoughts are easy to find and they are stored conveniently with associated words.

My brain looks more like this:

 Not only do I never really know what emotion is about to surface, I often get lost in my thoughts and pulled down the wrong path.
This is a problem for Satu and for me because I will often get stuck while we are talking and my brain will detour without my consent. She isn't wrong when she says that I don't always listen. The problem is that I try to listen and pay attention and I don't always know when I am not doing a good job. My heart is always connected, but details escape me.
Last night when I complimented Satu on her pretty orange shirt, she informed me that I say that every time she wears it. I don't think I have ever seen it before, but because Satu's brain is so well organized, she has a section for orange shirt and it's associated compliments.

The point is, I am paying attention, I notice how good she looks in orange every time I see it, but I don't have an orange shirt section in my brain. I have an orange shirt experience and then it gets lost in the past. In the same way that I can't tell one actress from another, I can't recall many of the details that I should be able to.

My hope is that Satu really does understand me for the animal that I am, living in the present and often lost in my own mind. I love her so much and look forward to every day that I get to spend time with her. I may not remember what we ate last time we went out or what she asked me to do last week, but I am forever attentive to the connection that I feel when she gently rests her hand on my knee. Nothing brings me more peace and happiness than the feeling I get when she looks in my eyes. I want to have that feeling every day, and I hope that in her very well organized mind there is a section where she stores the knowledge that I love her infinitely and deeply with all of my heart.

Bringing sexy back.

While I was gone to see my family, Satu has been keeping flirtation simmering on the stove for us. She has resolved to find ways to make the most of the precious few moments that we do get to share by making a real effort to connect. I am a very physical person, so I always feel better with her hand on me or snuggled up against her. Nothing in this world feels better than her soft kisses and the sound of her voice. To Satu though, connection is more about what we share when we talk and have experiences together. She seems to get that same sense of comfort from just being around each other and having those little moments where we pass in the hall and sneak in a little dance or make a lunch together.
We have started to try to incorporate rituals that will bring both of us that sense of closeness since every second counts in our lives right now.
For me, just having some sexy time means that I feel more confident and balanced. It helps that I am lucky enough to be with my dream girl.
I could have never imagined someone that I would be so attracted to on all possible levels. Not only is my wife still the person that I daydream about most, but she is also the funniest, kindest most passionate person that I know.

Two ships passing in the night

It is such a strange and busy time for us right now. Though we are on opposite schedules, I always feel connected to Satu. She is my home, our house is just a place where home happens to be. She has a harder time though.I am not sure why, but she goes back to her default solo setting when she doesn't see me for a little while. I stay on couple, but she resets to solo and we have to meet and reconnect all over before she can relax and feel loved. There are good things and bad things about her reset tendency. It seems to make our days off together new and meaningful, but it keeps the precious moments that we can grab out of any day we happen to have a few waking moments together more distant than they have to be.

I am also a very hands on, hugger. I would squeeze Satu any time she is still for more than a second if she would let me. During this strained time, I am sure it is like being hugged over and over again by a stranger. I might be a nice stranger with good intentions, but I am sure it is hard to stand still when your natural tendency is to flutter away to open skies.

I do hope that we will figure out how to get our schedules to cross over more in the future. I think I will end up on a day shift schedule which will allow us to have dinners together. Food has always been the thing that makes it seem like family time to me. In the mean time, I will do my best to leave a tasty meal for her when I can, and limit my hugging to a reasonable level.

Here are some things that I think that we can do to stay more connected while we don't see each other as much as we should:

1. Leave more notes on stuff. It is always nice to find a little heart drawn on your lunch bag or sewn into your sweater. Whenever I see a heart that Satu has made, my own heart aches and my body makes a reflexive hugging motion.

2. Try to feed her better. Satu feels loved when someone feeds her. I am going to do a better job this year of packing a lunch for her. I will have to find foods that she can eat without too much fuss, because she doesn't usually get much time to sit.

3. Hand rubs, back rubs and foot rubs. I am not sure why hugging makes her nervous, but I can wrench down on her muscles with all of my strength and that seems to be desirable.

4. Satu has developed some bedtime rituals to keep me calm and make our bed a calm place in the stormy world. We have tea sometimes or put lotion on our hands and listen to calming meditation recordings.

5. I will try to do a better job of prioritizing the things that she asks me to do. She doesn't ask for much, so I will do my best to come through when she does.

Sometimes, you don't really know which things are little things and which are really important, but when you don't see each other much, it is best to assume that every little act as a couple is more important.