Satu,
In this life, the best thing anyone gets out of it is happiness and purpose. Even people who build giant businesses and look successful to their parents aren't always happy with the work that they do and where it takes them. You deserve better than that. You deserve the joy that comes with feeling productive and appreciated.
You are a person with vision, you see things differently and because of the unique way that you learn and investigate, you mind is full of vision. You know things about things, but more than that, when you are inspired, you are brilliant. You are undeniably happy. When you are making a blue monster wreath or a string of pictures for us, don't you feel better to be expressing some unique inner vision? I know that you resist being too proud, but that book that you made me is really the most beautiful gift I have ever gotten and if there was one thing in my life that I would save in a fire (besides you, shitty wok and pantaloons) that would be it.
I don't know how it feels to be you when you allow yourself the freedom to imagine those things and then plan them and do it. I know that sometimes the precision work is not as fun as the idea, but I imagine that you feel like I do when I get into my brain about some new invention or plan. I feel inspired and purposeful.
Fuck what your mom thinks. You deserve to be happy. Fuck what the world thinks. You deserve to feel like the beautiful person you are. Fuck what the unwashed masses think. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!!! I am your people and you are your people. You can choose to weed out the things that do not matter to you, including the assholes who keep putting you down because you have the audacity to walk tall and to keep your chin up even though you are a woman. Seriously. FUCK THEM! You know that is what is going on. You are not in the right place because you can no longer find a way to take pride in the work that you do there. It is not the place, it is not the mission there or the lack of mission, it is that dealing with those people that you do not choose erodes the joy that you naturally have in your heart.
You should know that all of those people are probably good at times too. They love to see surprise bunnies and teach their kids to ride bikes, but spending life without meaningful work or hope shackles the soul. Their dark clouds rain on you every day. Leave that place for the sun.
I don't care if it is hard on our finances. Poor people who have hope and vision are happier than rich ones who don't really feel a part of anything. We have both lived on less before and been perfectly happy. If you don't know what's next, that's fine too. Just keep walking toward the sun and away from what makes you doubt yourself and crushes your tender soul. Any step in that direction is the right step. If we fail, we will fail together, but we probably won't fail. In fact any life that you can feel happy about, any days that you can spend pursuing something meaningful, talking about things that you think are important is not a failure. That is a successful life. Let's live one of those.
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