When I was younger and I first realized that I was an animal, I realized that death would come for me too one day. It was a dizzying thought and terrifying. I coped with that fear by telling myself that youth would protect me. My parents would protect me. My fragility, though it may be reality, was a reality that I did not have to acknowledge, so I just put it away.
I found a lot of comfort in my military career because it was full of life affirming physical experiences. One day I couldn't run up the mountain and in another week I could. Then a week later I could run it faster. I felt strong and invincible and lonely in a way that felt distant. All of the tender passages within me were completely unknown to anyone else. I also felt that I might die young, but if I did, it would be sudden and even if it was tragic mistake, it would be seen as a death for a cause. There was no need to fear it because it was completely unknowable and would likely come while I was strong and fully alive. There would be no long journey between alive and dead, just the flip of a coin.
I have never felt called to a career or a purpose. I have always felt that whatever I did was simply the next thing that I had to do with purpose. I never searched for meaning or felt like I was building up to rewards in the future. That doesn't mean that I haven't sought meaning, understanding and fulfillment, just that I have never been one of those people who feels like they are always climbing a ladder. Wherever I find myself I will stand fast and engage the world from there.
When I fell in love with Satu, meaning changed for me. Though I am a very loving person and have felt love in my life before, there was a richness to it that I had never experienced. I had never really looked into someone's eyes and seen that they were risking something too. With Satu, just feeling her heart beating as we embrace is a reminder of how fragile these bodies are and how much hope and life and meaning is beating just below the surface.
With all of the passages within me finally known, I feel loved, understood, happy and truly at home for the first time in my life, but I also feel fragile. I feel worried about protecting our place in the world. I feel like a dangling toy waiting to be pounced by age and chance and all the while feeling complete and happy for the first time.
I often wonder if Satu feels overwhelmed by these feelings too. When you don't know what you are, or feel all of the parts of you, there is no reason to fear the future. In fact, it holds nothing but possibility. Now, I know that I am loved and seen, not just by my family, which I have had all of my life to feel and grow comfortable with, but also by my wife. There is no hiding from her. There is no amount of acting strong that will make me feel strong. I am trying to adjust to feeling this much meaning in my life and finally knowing what my purpose is while knowing what I have known since I was a child. Life is temporary. We are animals. If it were infinite, I suppose there would be nothing at stake. Losing the element of time would drain the meaning from everything.
Still, I wish for infinity. Every animal twinge in my gut or ache in my body that is not the kind that you feel while getting stronger reminds me that I am a temporary thing. I want a place for this fear where I can keep it from stealing away these good times. These are the best times in my life and when I look at all that I have, I see all that I could lose. I think that that is why some of the best days, when I feel most alive end in the most overwhelming fear.
As I read my books about death and love and meaning, I am looking for the right way to think about the things that I already know. I don't want to feel young again or alone. I just want to feel all of this love and fragility without also feeling the acute awareness of time. Time is the element that I was never aware of before. I hope it will be like the buzzing of power lines; something that you become used to and stop noticing after a while. Until then though, I am just listening.
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