Smooth Jams

We are now at the point in our lives where I think we are actually considered people's "older friends." We hope that we are the cool older friends, but it is hard to know. There have been a few late nights in the ten minutes before we fall asleep in each others arms when we just laugh uncontrollably at the distance between us and the world around us.

One of my much younger lesbian friends at work attempted to connect in a meaningful way with me by asking if Satu and I like the same music and dialing up the 90's alternative station on pandora so we could talk about The Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees. When I told Satu about this, she bubbled over with joy. I think we probably woke the neighbors laughing about bands that we grew up with. Satu says I should have told her that we enjoy listening to smooth jams together. When I woke up this morning, she had left an old CD on the counter for me. I laughed and laughed. 

More than you might think I try to remember what I was like when I was younger and the world seemed so different. War was not ever something I thought about. I never felt connected to the world the way I do now that have found real love in my life. In my younger days I felt like my life was something that was happening to me.Right now, it is different. I feel like my life with Satu is something that we are doing together. 

I don't care if we are people's cool older friends or if we are just living in our own little world. I care that we are stepping forever closer to each other. Right now, connecting is really hard. Both of us spend so much time alone or working that those little moments when we laugh ourselves to sleep mean everything to me. I wish that they could carry Satu through the disconnected times as well, but I think it is much harder for her. I can carry moments with me better than she can. It is what makes me really slow to let go of the past and her mostly living in the moment. I know that our lives together will be full of midnight laughter and quiet Saturday mornings, I just hope that in the moments when she is lonely that Satu knows that too.