Thanksgiving

Satu and I made deals with the devil and both got a little time off from work at the same time and boy did we do this vacation in style. First, we loaded up some clothes, a few of which were still dirty and gathered up our juice boxes and goldfish for the trip. We hit the road with a handful of CDs, and made a nest in the back for the dog. Hour 1 is always the most exciting, we keep patting eachother's legs and exclaiming that we are on an adventure. By the third bathroom stop, we are just ready to be there.
Because I am a romantic, I suggested we curl up in the back of the car at one of the rest stops rather than to get a hotel for the evening. We spent a few hour re-arranging ourselves pushing bellybuttons against elbows and shoulders and waking up every hour to turn the engine on for heat. The dog was shivering, so we put him between us for warmth. Obviously we slept well and were refreshed and ready to hit the road at 5 am.
In the early afternoon, we made it to my parent's lake house and toured the neighborhood with them. Then, per family tradition, my dad under-grilled some hamburgers and Satu ate the rawest sushi beef of the bunch sneaking queasy, worried looks at me. After dinner she shared some caramel moonshine with my father. I was too scared. I don't like to drink liquor that comes in mason jars since I am convinced that it will instantly kill me.
The next day we drove 45 minutes around the lake to the little plot of land that my grandparents originally bought on that lake when it was built. What I love about it is the same feature that my grandfather probably loved, the steep hillside and giant, unmovable boulders that make it very difficult to build on. It is an inland lot, across from the lake which you can't see from there because the lot across the street is uncleared. I have dreams of buying the lot across the street and clearing the scrub for a dock and a fishing camp and putting a house on the inland lot built in to the boulders. I think it will  look great framed by the neighbor's trailers on either side.
I think my wife is much more practical than I am and not necessarily enjoying the daydream like I am. When we got back to the cabin, my parents packed up to leave and Satu immediately started her period. It is difficult for us to have adult time lately since we work terrible, but opposite hours and we stay exhausted, so when vacation comes around, our hormones like to work to keep us exhausted and uncomfortable.
The next morning was my favorite part of the trip. Satu made coffee early and got me up to see the fog over the lake. What a beautiful, serine and quiet time.

Despite our cursed bodies keeping us to a PG rating, this morning time made me feel so close to her and happy to be on this life adventure. 

The next night we made crabs for dinner and had a great evening until my panic kicked in. My sister met us at the lake with her new son. I love them both so much, and getting overwhelmed by that love puts me on kind of a see-saw of fear and uncertainty. My beautiful wife drove me around the treacherous winding roads at four in the morning because the pills didn't touch it. Eventually we went to an emergency room where they gave me enough to knock me out. I wish Satu could just shoot me with a tranquilizer sometimes because when I wake up, things are always back to feeling normal. I just get too spooled up.

The next morning, Thanksgiving, we drove down to my parent's house. Mom made a great thanksgiving dinner and everything was completely cooked. The rest of the trip was all about walking dogs and hanging out with the family, but I couldn't help missing the quiet lake morning and time alone with my wife. She is is the person that makes me feel safe and okay. She is my favorite person to laugh with and to just look at across the room. I like to hear her walking around in our house. I like to feel her turning over when she sleeps and I feel like holding her hand makes my heart melt a little in my chest. 

I can't wait to give up this working life so I can settle into her orbit. Every day I feel more lost as the day goes on until I get back home to her. 

I love you more than catfood

Last night I had to work late to get some things prepped at work before our vacation. When I came home at 2 in the morning, my wife was asleep. I often can't see her in the bed when we have the winter comforter on, but I know she's there because she is giving off an enormous amount of heat and the dog curls up on her for warmth.

I settled in next to my little lava rock and prepared for my nightly ritual. I like to play match three games until my brain shuts down enough to sleep. I opened my tablet and saw this:

She had tucked a little card inside my tablet. As with many things that Satu finds in the world, she adds to the image so that it's something perfectly us.

I laughed and laughed. It tickled me so much. From the hot side of the bed, little sleepy burbles of laughter erupted from under the dog and we had a good midnight chuckle. One of the things that reliably makes me laugh, no matter how many times I see it is this little GIF of a raccoon scooping up two handfuls of cat food and tottering off on his hind legs with it. My wonderful wife will often mimic this video when stealing things, or whenever she just wants a laugh out of me. 

That's the thing, our house is always full of laughter because she is one of the funniest, smartest people I've ever met. She gets the details that make a thing silly and she's not too proud to do the blue footed boobie dance with me, or run down the hall like a raccoon. It's wonderful to live like this and to laugh and hold each other in the middle of the night on any given night of the week. 

I'm not worried. It's just winter

It's that time of year. The snow blower has made its way to the batter's box and the dog is wearing a sweater (he loves it.)

As cozy as our home is though, winter brings grey days which makes me feel antsy and makes my wife listen to Patti Griffin and look at pipes online. Both embracing the melancholy while keeping it in the periphery. 

What I hope winter means this year is more days off spent together watching dumb movies and putting together complicated puzzles in front of the fire. I hope it also means some extra kisses and soft whispers in my ear. 

Lately, I work too much and so does Satu. When we do get a night together, she is achy and I am brain dead from the toxic amounts of stupidity at work. I think both of us just want a cup of warm tea and the person who knows us best nearby for comfort.

I know that when she is in the house it feels like a home and when she is out, it seems as if the whole house is waiting for her to come back and bring the soul back into the home. I don't really know how to express this sense of missing her while she is here except it is the Kyoto feeling. I feel like I miss her so much while I am at work that when we are together it reminds me of all of the time we sacrifice to the outside world. 

I hope that as the snow comes, I will get more Mondays off and we will finish our cozy basement together. I really loved it when she was down there with me playing music and envisioning our new cozy hide-a-way. Honey, take me for a drag on the new rug. I miss you. 

If Satu was an animal:

She would be a double metal dog. Loyal and steadfast, but wagging and clanking her tail ready to play when she is happy. She splits from the pack when she's not.

If Satu were a food, she would be sushi. Fresh, simple and complicated at the same time.

If she were a house, she would be a tiny, elegant log cabin on the outside with a million rooms stretching out impossibly on the inside.

If she was a drink, she would be something you have never heard of before with a warm, comforting body and a smooth finish. She would have little flecks of ice that could surprise you, cool your thirst and somehow belong in the warmest drink you've ever had.

If my wife was a number, she would be infinity.

If she was an element, of course she would be fire.

If my wife was a tool, she would be the one you are looking for no matter what you need to do. She is good at everything and can make any task easier.

If she was a day, she would be in spring. May perhaps, when everything is new and the world is full of young life.

If she was a car, she wouldn't be content until she was a spaceship.

If she was a gun, she would be the finest machine, straight and true every time.

Satu is the only one of her kind. She is not anything except who she is. It doesn't change, she's the most solid person I have ever met. She doesn't compromise and she has the heart of a lion. She has my heart too. With her, I know it is safe. 

Haloweeeeeeeeee

Last year we almost missed Halloween. Next to Thanksgiving, a holiday to celebrate family and eating Halloween is my favorite because it is about scaring children and candy.
This year though, my wife is a Halloween superhero!! We have handmade spooky tombstones in the front yard that light up with red fiery lights, and then there is this...

BB Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!!
Kids love him, dogs love him, and I LLLLLOOOOOVE him.

My wonderful wife has been hand painting these two pumpkins and engineering the details for 5 days, pretty much straight. Look! Look how wonderful!!

We will have two kids over this year and get to take them trick-or-treating and then we will watch scary children's movies while they bounce off the wall on a sugar high that may last most of the year.

I love Halloween. Gimmie is going to wear his wookie costume even though he says it hurts his peeper because we all have to make sacrifices for this kind of thing. My wife has been slaving over pumpkins for days, there is no way a little dog gets to complain about his awesome wookie coat.

Happy Halloween my sunshine. I love you.
Apparently so does the creepy little wookie sniffing your hair.

Any place with you

Recently my folks have offered us a little acre of very rocky, hilly land near lake Sinclair in Georgia. It has started me thinking about building a future with my wonderful wife. We have been building our lives together for ten years, but at this stage, we are spending a lot of time working to get ahead, maintain our health and build a home that we can open to our family's in the future.

The lake lot makes me think more about what we would do if the sky was the limit for us. Satu is a cave dweller, and I like to have all the lights on all the time, so I have been thinking of building a home into the side of that rocky, dense hillside.

In my mind, Satu's would be a cave, blasted under the biggest rock in the hillside. She would have nice little square shrubs leading up to a hidden, thick wooden door. Maybe a stone fireplace in the center of the cave  and a hidden little spot in back where the rounded brick wall would open up to the sky. I imagine a natural waterfall trickling constantly down a cut out in that brick wall surrounded by plants. You could look up from your underground garden to see the clear night sky over the lake.

I imagine a rustic, gourmet kitchen in her little cave where cheeses and fresh fruit will feel right at home. The walls of the cave will be insulated hay bale and carved into round, elegant curves. I imagine an open, flattened rock staircase leading up to my airy rooms.

My rooms would have giant windows and be open to the view of the trees and the sky. For me, I imagine dark wood floors, and breezes flowing across. There are more windows than walls. I don't have a kitchen, I have the garden instead. The topside has an open courtyard in the middle where we grow our own herbs and have a walkway surrounded by flowers. on cool nights, we can sleep there, surrounded by nature and stars, yet still protected by the walls of our home.

Between the cave and the glass house is a hideaway room that is just ours. Not fancy, but a cozy bedroom where we can get away. Right now, my favorite time of day is bedtime. I love just sitting next to my wife as she reads. I like having coffee together in our bed and having the quiet time together. Sometimes she will reach over the dog and pat me on the leg or the hand. I feel very settled there with her.

Though I have been enjoying this daydream lately, the main reason I like it is because I like to think of a future where I could make Satu feel happy and fulfilled. I'd love a little hideaway that we felt totally relaxed in. I imagine her in her studio figuring out the next project and smelling the Georgia red clay after a storm. I will be happy anywhere we end up as long as she is with me.

Hi baby. Hi hi hi. Hi honey.

Sometimes when I am at work, I just look at my phone and wish for a text from Satu. Most of our phone contact is really just about letting each other know that we are thinking about being together. There is no moment in my day when I would not prefer to be with my lovely wife, not a single second that wouldn't be better in her company.

Right now she is sitting next to me while I am typing and she is touching up her well staged pictures of tobacco pipes. We spent most of the day working outside together getting sawdust in our noses and dirt on our hands, and whenever we hadn't talked in a little while, one of us would pipe up and say "hi baby. " It is kind of our bird call.

Sometimes I imagine what alien observers would think of us. We must touch each other more often than most couples. She is always smoothing out my shirt or patting me on the leg. I am usually looking for an opportunity to walk into a hug. I think aliens would assume that we are one thing that can split itself. I often feel like she and I are really just one thing with two different laughs, two different singing voices and four hands that are always trying to settle somewhere on the body.

This weekend, Satu has put out all of our orange things and readied the house for fall. There are tiny pumpkins and colorful leaves everywhere. I really love having a house that belongs to both of us together that we chose and care for. It seems like the perfect place for our odd little family. It is usually filled with the smell of nice candles and small enough that I can hear my wife call her bird call from any room.

As the weather gets cooler, I feel even more lucky to have this warm home and beautiful wife to come home to. These days we linger in bed to have our morning coffee and she tucks her cold hands into my body. I know this is just a trick for warmth that she has learned from the cat, but never mind that. As she tucks little head against my shoulder, I'll wrap my arms around her and whisper "hey baby, hi sweet girl, hi honey. I love you."

You Are My Sunshine

My lady often does really sweet things for me. She is understated about it, but I know that she is always looking for ways to make me want to come home, be comfortable and connect. She lights candles toward the end of the evening so the house is cozy. She turns the warmer on for my side of the bed when it's cold and she makes sure there are enough treats around to keep me from going to bed hungry.

Yesterday when I came home she had re-organized our picture display so it is all on my side of the bed so I can look at the too big smiles and happy moments that we have shared just being together.

I am a very in the moment person. Satu always knows that I love her because I do, every waking moment and I am easy to read. She is my person. Always. I would rather talk to her than anyone on the planet. Yep, if it came down to it, I would pick a good conversation with my wife over a round table discussion with Mary Roach, Angelina Jolie and Barack Obama.

I always know Satu loves me, but I get prone to insecurity or feeling lost, so she keeps reminding me in little ways like the way she makes little happy noises when I put my hand on her, or spending most of her day planning a delicious salmon dinner like she did on Monday.

I can't wait to come home from work tonight and kiss her hot sleeping forehead and hear her make her little happy grunt in response. That tiny, drowsy noise from her chest is the same as saying I love you in a million ways.

Wood or cotton?

Apparently there are anniversary gift materials that the fairy godmother of wedding anniversaries has chosen arbitrarily after a few drinks in her magic wedding chapel. I thought this year's material was wood and I got my lovely wife an antique pipe rack that some old gentleman had hand carved and then lovingly stored in a musty cave for years. When Satu unwrapped it, you could smell the earth and age on it.

Satu got me cotton boxers and an inspiring t-shirt since she knew that this year's material was actually cotton (thank you fairy godmother.)

She also gave me this cool wooden card.

Then I spray painted the grass with hearts.

I know that other people do chocolates and flowers and such, but I often come home to fresh flowers when it is just a regular Tuesday. Satu and I love each other every single day and don't really need to have an occasion to stay connected. 

She waits up for me when I am late at work so she can kiss me before we go to sleep. I bring her things and take away things so that she knows that I love her. 

It is the perfect match. I often imagine when we are walking how we will be when we are older. When all we have to do is entertain each other and seek happiness. That is what makes me puff my chest out when we walk together. I am as happy now as I ever could be. 

Because these blog posts really... really matter.

So, apparently no spoken word can equal the words written in this blog. There is no amount of talking, hugging, or general good boy/girlfriend behavior that makes my wife as happy as knowing that I spent a few minutes collecting some thoughts about her and committing them to laptop.

Here are some random thoughts about Satu that I haven't had time to appropriately gather and put in context, but generally make me feel happy to have married such a wonderful woman:

My wife is a connoisseur of disaster stories. She is currently sitting next to me reading about sinking ships and the people who survived the sinking Estoria.

She knows how to keep the cat distracted while she cuts out the dreadlocks that appear along her sides.

Satu looks good in any light and any color, but always asks me if she looks okay. Me, the woman who often puts her shirt on inside out and doesn't notice until half way through the work day.

She will wake up in the middle of the night because I am worried about the hawk that seems drunk in our driveway. Not only will she wake up, but she will sit quietly and observe until we decide to throw pieces of lunch meat at it (in case it might just be weak from hunger.)

She feeds the wild animals with animal crackers.

She has the most wonderful laugh in the world. I love to make her giggle. It instantly brings me so much happiness.

She knows the difference between southern accents and can impersonate a redneck or a texas bad ass and not make them seem the same.

If someone on TV is drinking, she will also need a drink. If someone British is drinking, she will need it in a fancy glass with one ice cube.

She is always off balance but never breaks anything. It is like she touches the whole world with a light stroke of the fingertip. She can be running at you full speed only to turn slow motion and careful when she is inches from you.

She thinks that by remaining vigilant at all times, she can keep her weird family from small and large disasters like bug bites, sunburns, airplane crashes and tornadoes. In fact, she does have a tornado plan and an active shooter plan and an Ebola plan at all times.

She wakes me up by getting on top of me and encouraging the dog to lay on my face too.

She saves ants, spiders and all other multi-legged creatures that find their way into our house.

She can almost always look at a thing and know what it is made of.

I think that may be part of why she chose me. I am almost 100% mush and love. She knew what I wan made of and still chose me. She continues to save me from the world every day, even after a decade.

Changing gears

So the little company that I work for was not as good to my wife as it has been to me. She has been pretty miserable there, in part because she is an artist and shouldn't be punching a clock in an engine shop for a living. She should be making things and building things and maybe going entire weeks without seeing more numbers than the ones on her watch.

I am so excited for her to get started with her new life. I can't imagine what it is like to have something that you have always felt called to do. I just like to work and have some wins. I feel at home playing a part in a large operation, but Satu needs to use her hands and her body. She is a visual person and and needs to bring those curious, strange, surprising visions to life in the world. When you have a mind like that, you are never going to be satisfied taking marching orders from tiny minded men.

I wonder what she will name her studio?

Unlike many artists, Satu doesn't mold herself into a dreary, black clad tortured soul in order to find meaning in the world. She doesn't do pictures of fruit or abstract sculptures of dancing figures for quick sale. She is as likely to love a truck stop cedar box with horses painted on it as she is to see the beauty in a perfect circle. She finds meaning in happy moments as well as the bittersweet. She can find two things that belong together, even when they seem unlikely at first glance.

I know without a doubt that this is the first step toward happiness for her. Yes, we have to survive, but we also have to live, and she has been pushing aside her true self for too long. It is time to get in the studio and get busy. The world has been without her vision for too long.

Container store date

Most people get excited about going out to see a movie or eat at a fancy restaurant. My lady gets excited about organizing things. Really. All things have a home in our home, it's just they are often not there because I don't know where their homes are or that I am even carrying them around. So when the container store opened a branch here in Cleveland, I got a few VERY excited text messages from her. I knew that taking her to look at things to put things in might get me a few extra kisses, so I was all for it.

Satu and I have two entirely different cleaning methods. She organizes things and I throw things away. I feel as though my way keeps areas cleaner longer, but eventually we need the thing I threw away and will tear up the house trying to find it. Satu's method allows things to slowly migrate around to the various places where I use them and then leave them as soon as I start on something else.

I think that the place is pretty calming for Satu in the same way that a well stocked wall of bookshelves can be. She seemed totally at home among the stacks of expensive bookshelves and tight fitting lids of all sorts. It is part of what inspired me to spend today building a bookshelf for her comic books. I thought about what a shame it is that they should have to go in boxes while books without pictures get to be out among the things that we live with. They deserve better, and if I measure right this time, they can be well organized and easy to flip through.

After our great adventure, we came home and watched our favorite cheesy show and ordered take out. For some people, our lives may seem kind of boring, but they aren't. No matter where I go with Satu, I have fun. We don't have to go find entertainment all the time. I find her endlessly entertaining. And I did score a few extra kisses, so entertaining and exciting.

The only thing I care about collecting is little moments like that with my beautiful wife. I wish there was a way to box up those sweet kisses and have them over and over again.

Winning at hobbies

My wife is a fairly lucky person. Not lucky with big things like the lottery , but in everyday things luck surrounds her. She is currently winning hard at hobbies. My wife has lots of hobbies, but currently, she is restoring old pipes. She bought a pipe rest on Ebay and it came with 6 bonus pipes! She is currently in the process of repainting the dog (he doesn't have mange.)

Another of my wife's hobbies is collecting old globes. We have a room in our home that is slowly filling up with earths as she adds new globes to the collection. Recently my wife ordered a globe that is also...wait for it...a pipe rest. Boom! That's game. Thanks for coming out folks. She has been crowned grand champion. 

Here are some other things that my wife also wins at because she is an all around winner:

Hats. Any hat anywhere looks good on Satu.

Wildlife: My wife can spot an opossum from 500 yards.

Cats: there is no cat in the world that she won't befriend with enough patience.

Stationary, pens, pencils and obscure erasers. You name it, she's an expert.

Collections. Things that are like another thing in only one weird way, she can find that common thread and will group them as a kind. 

Colors: Is there a name for that? You bet, and she knows what it is and can pick it out of 30 other shades of green.

Food: Satu can make a delicious meal appear from some dry goods and a couple of random cans in the back of the cupboard.

Words: Need the right word at the right time? She's got it on the tip of her tongue.

Marriage: She may not have the hottest wife in the pack anymore, but she does have the most devoted, loving, infatuated woman in the world to share her bed with. 

Working together

Today, one of the welders that I work with asked me if I like working with my wife. The answer is yes. I love doing anything with her. I like to work. In general I am a happy person, but Satu makes every day better.

Yesterday when I was having a bad day she hid mints in my office to keep little happy surprises coming throughout the day. Today, when she had a really bad day at work I tried to lighten the mood by being there to sound off against and to rub her shoulders secretly before the meeting.

I love being anywhere she is. It makes me proud that people there know us as a couple, because I can only now think of myself as a part of this pair. Work often sucks. No one pays you to do easy stuff, they pay you to carry a burden, emotionally tumultuous, heavy with responsibility and make decisions that you might get yelled at for making or not making, But when Satu is around I feel like someone is always on my side.

When I told Vicki that I not only liked working with Satu, but that I adore her and I think everything is better when she is around, she seemed either jealous or disgusted. She says that her boyfriend/ man person annoys her even though he's also wonderful.

I can't imagine feeling like that. Satu is just wonderful, but in an effort to relate, I think I just described her as "bad ass." Satu is a force of nature. She can summon power from thin air and make you feel like all of the love in the universe resides in your aching, swelling chest. I always just want to come home to be around my wife. There is no brighter day than the one we live in now. There is no home that could be more full of love and no moment in my life that I don't feel like I am half of this team and wholly myself.

Long weekend

Satu and I were lucky to get two whole days of a 3 day weekend together. We did all kinds of couple things like meet another couple for dinner and tell our slightly embarrassing stories to new people who will tell us theirs.

We went to Home Depot and to Lowes and giggled about landscaping ideas and the odd chipmunk scampering through the patio section. Satu bought a bee house and helped me figure out the right blocks for our (possibly toxic) fire pit. For the rest of the afternoon we sat outside and planted flowers and just listened to podcasts.

To our 20ish friends who spent the weekend camping and hiking and defiantly smoking cigarettes while they manufactured emotional drama, this weekend probably seems boring. To me, it was perfect. Satu kept looking over and asking me why I was making goofy faces at her. Obviously it is because I feel like I live with a superhero. I feel so lucky that I often feel like I with someone who is so awesome that she is a legend.

possibly toxic

I never get tired of being around her. She always surprises me and makes everything better. When I worry, she finds a way to calm me. When I am hyper, she lets me run myself down. When I giggle for no reason, she will giggle with me just so we can laugh together.

I never thought in my life that I could be with someone that I can trust like her and admire and be endlessly surprised and fascinated with. I usually have more fun at home with Satu than I would anywhere else in the world.

Is this the first step to being an old lady? I don't need to go out because everything I want is here in my home (as long as we remember to get groceries.) I don't go out for retail therapy because I don't care much about anything that I don't already have. Our lives are happy. We can watch cheesy sci-fi shows or listen to old radio stories (which she has on dusty tapes somewhere).

It's sad to me that two days together seems like such a vacation. I think most people get this every week, but I realize that I am actually starving for this kind of time with her. I like getting up slowly and having coffee together before busy body-ing around the house. One day soon I would like to climb maybe one more rung up the corporate ladder so that we can afford for Satu to live the life of the artist that she is instead of suiting up in her work clothes every day to go do a job she hates. Hopefully soon we will have two day weekends every week. How sad is that for a dream?

47 years

Satu has been on this planet of ours for almost 47 years. I often like to think of what it would be like if I had known her for all of them. I feel lucky to have known her for almost 10 years, but I feel like I missed 37 possible years of laughing and knowing her. Satu is my best friend. The sound I love most is the sound of her laughter, but the little animal noises that she makes when she is just satisfied are a close second.
 I feel like my 12 year old self  when I am with her. When you are young, all your dreams about a future life are really simple. You never imagine drama or mixed feelings, just your happy home and good times. I feel like that is what my real life with Satu is like. I am living a 12 year old fantasy with an amazingly hot wife. We have breakfast together and cuddle up at night. Mostly we laugh and just can't get enough of each other. If I had known Satu when she was 15, we would have talked about fantasy books and probably scooped up frogs in a net. We would have ignored the world and talked on our incredibly heavy phones with twenty foot cords.

If I had met Satu when I went to college at 17 she would have been my instant crush. I would have listened to all of the bands that she liked while thinking about her. I would have spent my morning jogs convincing myself that I was exercising to be confident and pretty for all of the making out I would be doing in my mind. I would be practicing conversations about her and trying on all of my hats before finally just going back to the Indiana Jones one which is the only one I liked. I imagine that she appeared perfect in any situation. Bam! Grocery store at 2 am drop dead gorgeous in a sweat shirt with messy hair. Could she be on the next aisle? What if I run into her on the quad? She's probably really busy and would only make eye contact for a second, but in that second, she would fall in love with me.

If I met Satu when we were in our early twenties, all of our friends would have been part of setting us up. There would be elaborately fought get-togethers. She would be the life of the party and I would probably just be someone's roommate, but for one night, the best of my life, I would join the party and feel like I turned the page in my life.

If I had met Satu in my late twenties, I would be a little more calm, but feeling lost about where I fit into the world. We would talk all night long and reflect on the long stretches of life behind us while feeling that what we do now determines all that lies before us.

If I had met Satu before I joined the Marine Corps, I would have sworn loyalty to her ahead of my country. Would I have gone to war? Could I have, knowing that my true purpose was not to sacrifice my life or to risk it, but to live it with her?

What are the next 47 years going to be like? I feel like I am living all of my earlier fantasy lives at once with the woman of my dreams. There can not be a better life than this, and yet my own life with Satu gets better and better. Every day that we wake up together, I feel like I found peace and purpose in my life. I don't care at all if we end up being ignored by kids as we slowly walk up the beach in our eighties. I don't care if we drink cheap coffee and wear flower prints in our 90s. Every second that I get to spend in love with Satu is a second I spent feeling like my full self.

Better together

Satu and I have a quiet home. Coming home to her has always meant we could be ourselves. There is no better sound in the world than her laughter, and it fills our house often. When we pass each other in the hallway, we usually take the opportunity to touch hands or squeeze a shoulder.

Being away has really made me miss our happy, cozy, weird, civilized loving home. It is easy to see the things in a house that you want to fix, the broken steps or the cracked tile, but from this distance it is much easier to see the things that are right. The comfortable bed that we share most of the time with a greedy little dog and a skittish cat. The candles that she lights for me to make me feel special when I come home. Satu's sock feet propped up on the coffee table while she drinks coffee in the morning and looks at pipes online.

Yesterday, Satu nested our living room into this nice arrangement. Gimmie is probably waiting for her to turn around so he can scratch his butt on the rug. I can't wait to get there and get back to normal.

I feel so lucky that Satu found me and that she loves me. She knows the real me, the clumsy, disorganized soft-hearted person that I really am and she never has spoken a mean word to me in our lives. She has protected me every day and even when we are having difficult times, she protects me and looks at me with love.

Before Satu, I would have never thought that someone would love me like this and make me this happy. I feel like we are the healthiest couple I have ever met and I feel like I could have missed this wonderful life together if the stars hadn't aligned correctly.

Satu tells me that if we hadn't met, that I would have met someone else who is good like her, but I don't think so. I know the world is full of wonderful people, but she is my one. She fits perfectly. She knows me like no one in the world has or ever will. She's my best friend and my dream woman. I won't feel right until I get to put my head on her shoulder and relax into her arms.

Looking for a common thread

Here is a list of some of the things that Satu collects (that I know about.) I have always been curious about what the common theme is, so listing them out with some guesses about what she likes about them may be key to unraveling the mystery.

1. Fishing lures:
Hmm. They are colorful. That's a plus. Also, they look like bugs and Satu likes bugs, especially the strange and colorful ones. The more legs and fur the better I think. She is a friend to bumble bees. In fact, I have never seen her encounter a bug she wasn't willing to rescue, including spiders.

2. Droids:
She must just like them because they are droids. They are little robots with personalities. They represent the best aspects of people. Playfulness, loyalty, willingness and joy. Droids are always up for an adventure, kind of like my lady. Occasionally they get into trouble around the house. Remember when they got drunk and pooped bolts and nuts all over our bar? gross.

3. Guns:
I think she likes them because they are beautiful, well engineered tools that are also powerful. They put a small woman like her in an even battle stance with anyone who would dare to think they could bully her. She may like them especially because she is great with them. Due to Satu's no-nonsense ability to control her body and emotions, she can calmly out-shoot most experienced men who don't have her naturally calm disposition.
Guns are pretty and complicated. She has always liked various machinery and appreciated good design. Maybe Satu likes them because they strike the right love of metal and science. I personally can't tell one 1911 from another. You can point out the rounded back end all day long, but I am still going to identify that thing as a pistol and nothing more. Not my wife. If there is anyone in the world that can pick out the special difference in a thing, it is Satu... (wait a minute. That just made me feel surprisingly good about myself.)

4. Pipes:
Here is another thing that seems like all the same thing to me, but apparently we need to have different ones because each object has a different story. This one looks like a professor owned it. This one belonged to a middle class day dreamer who chewed nervously through the stem. This one may have belonged to an Italian statesman and this one to a farmer. I don't actually know if she is driven to imagine the owners or the makers of the objects. Maybe both. maybe neither. Who knows with her. She is probably looking at pandas wearing skirts online right now. Is that a thing? Meh. She would know.

5. Cigars:
I feel like these should be related to pipes, but I actually thing the connection is probably more obscure than that. It is probably about smell and taste. The same way she wants to have different liquors around, she wants to have different cigars. She really doesn't smoke them often. Satu has a keen sense of smell, so she probably appreciates the different musty, grassy and earthy smells of different tobaccos. I also think she likes to care for things that require a good sense of understanding. (like me also.) She fusses with humidity and storage. Just like with me, cigars require attention, but they are worth the trouble. Strong hands picked the tobacco, dried and aged it and rolled it lovingly. I also require strong hands. Satu has the strongest hands and heart I have ever known.

6. Desiccants.
They don't call them desi-cans. Who even knows why she has a thing for them. I feel like someone who saves desiccants probably saves matches and printed tissue papers. At this time, I fully recognize that it is very likely that my wife has a collection of printed papers in a variety of colors, sizes and prints. I will probably never find it, but it is probably somewhere.

7. Cardboard ships:
This one is a write off. I feel like everyone would love and collect these if they know about them.

8. Hamsters and crickets and such:
Japanese. What can I say. We have a figurine of  a woman washing a cat in a clawfoot tub and a ceramic baby riding a cricket. Of course there are plastic hamsters and battery operated lighting bugs.

Reality break: What is the common theme? Man stuff? No. Men don't collect hamsters or dessicants. Small? No. Pretty sure Satu would add a cannon to her gun collection if she could. Functional? Nope. Umm. cardboard ships?

9. Lamps.
Satu definitely has a thing for light sources. The older the better. 20's-60's preferred. Shiny is good but so is translucent or luminescent. Flickering candles or glass? lightning bugs? Is this a related category. What is the connection here?

10. Books:
There are some books that need to be a part of the whole. Is she missing one of the Nancy Drews? We definitely have full collections of navel books and Charles Dickens and the OED which is the never-ending collection of collections. Is it the obscurity and thoughtfulness of the themes?

11. Little plastic thing-a-ma bobs.
I am thinking of the things over the sink. They are of a kind, but do they count as a collection? Maybe the key is in things that are related, but only in my wife's brilliant mind.

12. Light sabers:
I think this is just a thing that she fell in love with and became an expert in like guns or cigars. Are these in any way related to the need to collect beautiful tools, or is this about imagination? Are they like ships in a bottle and reliving naval battles in space? Is this really about how Star Wars saved her life, or is it about getting your own little piece of a fantasy as an adult? I feel like for me, life with Satu is the fantasy I have always dreamed of, but maybe she has a hero's spirit. Maybe she is a swashbuckler. Maybe she's Superman, or Aquaman, or Tarzan or Hans Solo. All of that wrapped up in a small, super wiggly little fireball of a lady.

13. Knives.
I think Satu likes things that are shiny and things that are dangerous. I think knives satisfy all of that, plus the love of tools. I have always had a thing for Damascus steel because it is swirly, sharp, pretty and deadly. Is Satu the same way, or does she have the brain of an engineer? Does she like sharp, craftsmanship, shiney, engineering or some combination of the thing you could never guess about?

Does she like the stars? Can you collect them in some way?
What is the next thing she may like? It won't be new. It won't be plastic. Maybe wood? Maybe leather? Maybe glass? Colored glass? Small glass? Artisan glass? Is there such a thing as old man, naval glass? Can we get a porthole from the Pequod? What snags her imagination and holds it indefinitely?

What is the common theme? Maybe it is just her. Maybe she is the only one with the unique life that allows her to know about bronze, collect fishing lures and love me into our sixties. This didn't help me figure out the common theme, but it did help me re-define how unique my wife's wonderful mind is.

Satu, If I could be the next strange unknown that you would discover. If I could just be a shiny tool or a complex and mysterious scent. If I can just hold your fascination long enough to be the next thing. The best thing. I want to be the thing that makes you laugh and captures your imagination, but I also want to discover those things with you. Your mind is so endlessly curious. How do you make connections? How could I ever know what tickles your fancy? You are bottomless and topless.Your touch reaches the stars and unknown places. You are the only person I know who could be you.

What is the connection? Who could know? It is just your fancy. The things that you love are lucky things in the world. Myself included.

Double plus uncozy

Right now I am at my younger sister's house getting to know my new nephew Sam and reconnecting with my sister. I love them both so much, but I feel decidedly out of sorts without Satu around. I miss our home and the way we quietly connect just by being around each other. I miss the terrible little dog squeezing between us when we try to spoon and I miss the one eyed cat purring like a chainsaw while she makes really uncoordinated muffins on the comforter.

I miss feeling like Satu and I are united against the world, cozied up together in our cave preparing to face the day together. I miss the way she smells especially feminine before work like lotion or hairspray, or whatever happens in that tiny bathroom of ours that prepares her to be seen. Except by me. I get to see her as she is. Unguarded. Perfect.

One of the things I love most about living with Satu is the little moments of joy that she finds everywhere. Look at that lady cardinal in the bush! Can you believe that this hairball I found under the couch is perfectly round? Look how serious the dog is when he tries to figure out if he likes olives. Every day is full of ordinary moments that mean something because I have her in my life to share them with. It is like having a sleepover with my best friend every night and always being excited to get home.

As much as I love my sister, this sleepover would be so much better with my wife here. I'd love to see her hold Sam. I think that Satu is hard for me to read sometimes. She's really tender on the inside, but she often doesn't show it to others. I just know that if she held Sam next to her chest, all of the joy molecules in her would click together and make a giant ball of happy light inside her. She is good with babies and animals after all. I'm happy to be her animal.

The family peanut

Look at him!!!! Sam. He's perfect. And he's the big news this week! Satu and I have a nephew!!

I am not sure how my sister managed to get a 9lb 8oz perfect baby boy out of her lady garden and is still able to walk around, but Satu and I couldn't be more thrilled with the new addition to our family.

We have talked about having children of our own, but with lesbians, these things don't just happen like they do when straight couples find themselves alone in a dark room.

I can't imagine how much crushing love Kim must feel for Sam because Satu and I already love him completely and infinitely. For the first time in my life, I truly understand what people mean when they talk about babies like they are little miracles. Tiny, impossible little people. Everyone knows how this happens, and still, when it happens, it seems so crazy, so science fiction, so infinitely wonderful.

Satu is going to be a wonderful aunt. Here is a list of some of the reasons that I know she belongs in our family and will be such a great influence on the new little guy.

1. She understands children and small animals. She is a comforting influence on anyone that needs the light touch of a reassuring hand.

2. She is strong enough to keep on loving and loving and loving through all of the weird ups and downs that come with growing up.

3. She is loyal. If there was one word that I would choose to describe my wife, it is loyal. She is true to herself. True to her ideals and will be there to love that little man as fiercely as anyone else on earth.

4. Satu is great at flirting and understands women. When Sam needs advice that can't come from his parents, Satu will tell it like it is. She will make sure that the young man has good "game" without sacrificing being a good person.

5. Satu understands people like no one I have ever known. She is a careful observer, and though strangers may not know it, she is one of the most empathetic people that I know. There is not a person on earth that she won't try to understand.

6. Satu talks to children like they are real, important people who matter. Because they are. She is playful, but respectful of their person hood. She shows everyone respect for their individuality. Just because you are three years old doesn't mean that you should get talked down to or patronized. You should be talked to like a person.

7. Satu knows how important an aunt can be to help develop a well rounded kid. She talks about summers with her own aunt that helped her understand a different perspective on family.

8. Satu is one of the most steady people I know. She belongs in our family.

When I was a teenager, I felt like I needed distance from my mom, but I still needed to talk to grownups and to feel reassured by someone who loved me. For a summer when I was particularly lost and felt overwhelmed by the fragility of life, I wrote letters to my mom's twin sister. She always answered and as far as I know never broke confidence. It was good to be watched over by someone just outside of the nucleus. I feel like Satu is the calm, supportive one between the two of us and I could see her providing that same kind of support to Sam if he needed it. She is a metal dog. Loyal, sturdy and trustworthy. I know Sam is going to love her.

The whole Dam family

Every time I put up a blog post, Satu reminds me that this is really the best present that I can give her. It is free and I can do it from home, so to me it doesn't seem like much of a prezzie, but to her it is better than flowers, comic books, desiccants, gran marrrrrar or any of the other odd things that she likes to have as a surprise. It is certainly better to her than most of the stuff that I have delivered here to the house. Every time a box arrives, she still looks at it hopefully and asks "what is it?"You would think that she would know better by now. It's probably shoe laces or hinges in the mail, a source of constant disappointment. Here though, It's a weird little space where I can remind her that I love her. (Why do I need spell check for weird every damn time? You would think, that it would one of my go-to adjectives.)

I love you honey. Don't ever forget it. I love you when you are near me and when you are nowhere to be found. I feel better and more like myself whenever you walk in the room. I love the way you smell, the sound of your voice and the way you scoot around when you are chasing the cat. I love that you can look funny and a little scornful at the same time.

See.

I love our whole damn family so much that I can hardly imagine what I would be like on my own. I certainly wouldn't live in a home like this, or love it as much as I do. The best part about our place is that it is ours. Every daydream that I enjoy has you at the center of it somewhere. There is no hike I want to have without you, no road trip, no fancy food and no art that I can imagine that wouldn't be better experienced with you. When I daydream about building a little space in the basement it is because I want a place like that for us to enjoy. How lucky am I? Most married people want a man cave or a suite of their own. I just want another room to nest in with you and expand our fun little home together. 

I often forget that for you, this little blog is a new space where you can connect with me. It seems kind of fitting that I just want to nest in this house and to feel close and you just want to nest in your mind to feel close. 

I'm sorry I don't do this more. 

There can never be enough ways to say I love you. 

I love you all the ways.

A space for art

Finally we are doing more than talking about an art studio. We found a place in Cleveland Heights that was opening studios and snatched one up for Satu. The place is colorful and alive. The exact opposite of our basement. When I moved Satu in last Friday, I thought that all of her art was either heavy, sharp or fragile. When she started to move in on Saturday, I realized that there were treasures in there that I had never seen before. There were colorful signs of a past group project and a moving, but really sad piece about the bird flu. The piece was even sadder to me because I know how fond Satu really is of birds. She delights in all creatures, not just the cuddly or accessible ones. Somehow she can still feel very close to an animal that she can never touch. It is enough for her to get a quick, sideways head tip from a blue jay, or not..
 I thought it was wonderful to see Satu in what I think of as her natural habitat. When she talks about art and music, it opens this door to her private interior. It was really wonderful to see her talk to people about her own art and see her reach out to folks who were all there for the same reason. She seemed comfortable and excited about learning new things. She seemed at home in her new studio even though there is more work to do. I hope one day she will make that her job if she feels inspired there and fill her days being creative and happy. It seems to me that when Satu is most herself, that is how she would choose to occupy her time. The world would be a better place for experiencing her art.

Turning the page

It is always hard to turn the page on a part of your life that you thought was meaningful Even if the story isn't always happy, it's your story at the time and it feels wrong to just start writing something else when you know the characters and settings so well.

Satu is starting a new job on Monday where I work. It is a huge unknown. Will she like it? Will she be happy? Of course she can do it, she works harder than anyone I know and she will always give her best effort (thus the nickname.)

For selfish reasons I want to work on the same schedule with her. I think it will help me feel like we are more like a pair than a relay team, but I also want a foothold where I can talk about my work with her. Right now, the characters have to be built and backgrounds have to be given if I want to talk about that part of my life. It's a weird place and sometimes the little social happenings are just seeds that never find ground.

More than anything, I want Satu to feel proud of herself. From my perspective, there are two things wrong with the job that she is leaving. 1. people shit on her emotions all the time. 2. She already knows all of the answers, so the challenges may be daily, but there is no figuring out for her to do.
Satu has a brain that likes to solve problems. I think she will be happier in a more complex environment. Anyway, I hope she will.

You never can really know what's after the chapter that you are currently writing, but I do know that with Satu, we are safer, better and stronger than we would be alone.

My life and the choices that I make have meaning that would disappear instantly if Satu were not here. I believe strongly, and I always have, that the only real thing that matters in life is your love for others. Without that passion, why do anything? Even if you do good for strangers, it is out of some love for them. Some sense of sameness.

I think Satu will find meaning in her new, weird job with all of its characters. I think that she will find someone to share a sandwich with and give nicknames to. If there is laughter in a place, even if there is yelling too, there is a spark that makes it worthwhile.

In our home, there is always laughter. Though I care more about what goes on here than anywhere else in the world, you have to have healthy interactions at work or outside of your home in order to bring them back to the nest.

Overall, I hope Satu will find that kind of opportunity as she starts this new story, and I am excited to be more a part of it.

The map room

Satu and I have an unusual home. It's unusual because both she and I are unusual people and we magnify each other rather than cast shadows. We shine our strange lights into each other's corners and discover what hidden worlds dwell there. I think that curious people always love maps and the artifacts of work that is beyond their own personal knowledge. I am pretty sure that is why we have a map room.

Most people who live in a two bedroom apartment would prefer a guest room, or an office, but we prefer worlds in our world.

The room is like us. It's happy. There are a lot of things that don't seem to belong, but actually do belong. Old tools. A doll that lives in a box, oars and artifacts.

With Satu, nothing ever seems out of place. There is no corner that she won't shine light into and look un-blinking with curiosity, amazement and openness. I think if I am completely honest, Satu's curiosity was the first thing that drew me to her. She didn't fit a mold of all of the parts you expect in a person. She didn't have simple taste in music, books, or interests that fit what you think of when you try to label someone as an artist, or lesbian or intellectual. She is all of the things that fit her and then worlds and worlds more.

Satu is just as likely to be drawn to an interesting bug as she is to a piece of fine jewelry and this is the complexity that keeps me surprised and happy with her. She is not some thing that I think she is or that the world thinks that she is, she is an infinite world of unique beauty and imagination. She is the only one of her kind. Though I know she will never be fully domesticated and could not thrive in captivity, we nest happily together. I can no longer imagine my own world without her in it, whistling and crouching in the doorways as this strange little animal does.