Getting older, wiser and weirder

 It's kind of hard to see yourself from a perspective outside yourself. I am surprised all the time by the deepening lines by my mouth, the un-recognizable white haired lady that sometimes shows up in my mirror if it's been too long since I've colored my hair. 

You tell me you are feeling that too, struggling to find anything graceful about this process. Let me tell you how I see you then. 

You are more beautiful to me than when I first saw your picture and knew that you were someone special in this world. My heart stops when our eyes meet because I think it is listening for yours. 

The world is not kind to or interested in people our age, but I'm starting to enjoy flying under the radar. You've gotten more secure and confident about sharing your heart with me, and somehow more protective of it with the rest of the world. 

There were a few years when you didn't delight in the shape of things, or the exploration of the world. Work was stealing your ability to enjoy your own mind I think. It's been such a relief to see you returning to things like building lego plants, digging in the garden and leaving the bodies for me on the driveway. Laughing. Exploring the colors of different ink.  

Isn't the trick always to allow yourself to be who you are right now? Our bodies and our experiences change with every day that passes. I loved being young with you, and I love getting older with you. Sometimes I wish I had the strength and beauty that I think drew you to me however many years ago. Before I had you to lose, I seemed stronger, but I wasn't. I've never been touched by such gentle, warm hands before. I can't imagine not feeling that love with you. 

I know there are fewer late night conversations to be had. Less discovery of each other, and more discovery of the world together and apart. I want to continue to have endless vacation photos of clouds and frogs and mushrooms with you. I want to chase the cats with you when we are too old to move fast and they are too old too. 

I'm missing you terribly today, but  when I think about you, it's warm, not lonely. I hope you are at home drawing more of these things right now. I hope that you feel loved.

Undercover for 17 years

 We have been together for 17 years this year. I am sure I loved you even before I knew you. The first night that we spent together was under this blanket I believe.

We may be more worn and frayed ourselves than we were in those days, but I believe we are still just as warm. 

I think the years look good on us. In the last 17 years we wrote our own shorthand vocabulary. We learned how to live together and what we value most. 

We have had 17 years of morning coffee and goodnight kisses. So many hours spent in the warm sunlight of the back porch. 

So much time sitting quietly together and just feeling at home in ourselves. 

I love you honey. These years with you and the ones we are facing together are the best life I could have imagined. 

Where am I right now?

 We have been spending so much time apart lately. If I think about it, a lot of our relationship and connection has been built over distances. I always have felt connected to you because I know and trust that I am your one.

When something tickles me, I want to laugh at it with you. When someone makes you mad, I want to be mad at them with you. I've felt like yours for so many years now. I can't imagine giving my heart to anyone else. 

When I'm in the world without you, I feel like my best self only because you are with me in my heart. You are so much of who I am. 

I think you are with me because I am a mostly good person. I know I'm not good at keeping my mind focused, and I have a pretty narrow way of understanding the world through my own feelings. I do feel worthy of your heart. If I am careless sometimes, I am sorry. I am as gentle as I know how to be. You are hard to read in the moment, but you are easy to know. There is no sound that brings me more joy than your laugh. I know that there have been times I have failed you. It's never been a lapse of love. I can't even remember a time when I didn't love you with every one of my cells. I've never been bored by you or wanted to disconnect. I love you as constantly as I need air and I think it is as essential to my life. 

I'm also scared for my heart because I know that I am a choice for you and you are so essential to me. I am scared for you too; that you protect my heart at your expense because I can't be brave when it comes to you. I can't keep that fear inside my body because it leaks out of me. It is always there barely under the surface even on good days. The more I love, the more I fear letting you down, hurting you, showing you the worst parts of myself. I don't think I am capable of creating the distance from my feelings that you are, but you should know that my mind is still working in those moments. Inside I am still wanting to connect with what you feel and what you need. I hate the thought that your feelings go unspoken because I am so obvious with mine. 

I want to do the right things for you. I want to hold your hand when you are feeling lonely or small. I want to provide you the same comfort that you give me. I want to assure you that I can do those things for you even though I seem  too fragile. I'm not really fragile, I'm just unhidden. I would rather hear the worst truth than not know you how you really are inside. I love you so much Satu. You really are my sun, my moon and all my stars. As we change in this life together, you are still all of the light in my world.

It's all good.

 But can I pat you on the head? That's usually how I try to give comfort and show the love I feel.

I know it's hard to talk to me. I have never been able to keep a straight face under any circumstance. I want and need the honesty. I've felt you pulling away from me for a long time and I feel helpless to change it. 

I know that you don't take the same kind of reassurance from physical contact that I do. My fear is not that you don't want to touch me, it's that you don't feel love toward me like you used to. 

Have I been a disappointment to you? I know you feel self conscious about how I feel toward you. I'm not sure what reassurance I can offer you. What pats can I give you so that you feel as loved as you are. I think of being your wife as the most important part of my life. I know it's not supposed to define me, but it is how I think of myself. That's why I don't feel lonely when I'm away, I usually feel like we are still sharing experiences if not our physical space. 

If your love for me has changed, that will be very hard for me to process, but if it's your truth, you deserve to put yourself first, and I want to say that while you can't look at me. Whatever you need from me, I'll do anything I can to give it to you. 

I'll be here in any capacity that you want from me without hesitation or regret. I am completely open and I want to respect your needs and boundaries. My love for you has gotten stronger over our years and experiences, not changed or weakened. Physically I have changed a lot over our years. Age, hormones and brain chemistry, but the love I feel for you will not change. It's who I am now. 

I want you to be who you truly are too and to feel the happiness you deserve in life. If you do know what will get you closer to that happiness, please be specific and direct with me. I feel most comfortable in our home when you are happy, inspired and yourself. 

Thoughts on conflict

 I wasn't sure what I would take home from this weekend's conflict resolution workshop. When I signed up for it, I was viewing it as an opportunity to see one of my favorite Aikido instructors in a professional coaching role. I was thinking about helping people resolve conflict in a professional setting. 

That's sometimes part of my job, especially when there is a lot of change management in an organization. When I tried to think of conflict in my personal life and in my relationship, I kept coming up empty handed. It's pretty rare for me and Satu to fight about anything, and I feel like the communication we do have is always healthy and respectful. Reflecting on this weekend's workshop though, I think it's the things we don't talk about that weigh on us. 

I am a different person at work than at home.  I am used to working with mostly men, and I feel like disagreements are expected, if for no other reason than to reach considered decisions. What I have been thinking about though is how I have a really fragile sense of self in the context of relationship conflict. I worry about being a disappointment and always fear that I will learn that I am letting Satu down. I think it causes us both to avoid what would otherwise be very healthy conversations. When I hear negative things from her, I immediately go inside myself and start picking away at all the ways I am not good enough or I have let her down. I don't know why I am so quick to believe that I'm not worthy. 

That reaction is protective, but it's selfish and near sighted. I'm not able to listen correctly and consider her point of view when I am busy focusing on my failure. I don't know how to regain my integrity and make the conversation productive. It causes Satu to swallow all those negative conversations and her feelings go unacknowledged. The conversations I need to make room for get buried too because I am afraid to learn that she is disappointed in me or that she doesn't want me anymore. 

Even when she does such sweet things to show me her love and that she sees me.  

Satu, 

I'm not sure how to talk about that thing I said that one time when I reacted out of some spontaneous frustration. I am worried that you stopped loving me and I can never be good enough for you again. I feel like I spilled ink on your trust. How can I stand up straight again and deserve to hold you? I don't even remember why I was in my head then, or what that felt like. I definitely don't want to have that conversation because I know you will remember how you felt. 

I am afraid of what you think of me and how you feel about me. It's eating me up sometimes when I should be thinking about you. 

I want to be a person that can feel loved and imperfect at the same time, but I only think about my own failure when we have those uncomfortable conversations. 

I'm sorry I packed up so much stuff and moved so much stuff around. I needed to talk to you about how I was feeling in that downstairs space. I wanted to see change and do something to help me feel like I was moving forward from this past year. Doing something makes me feel like I am helping, even though I knew I should give way to how you needed to process your own feelings. 

I am sorry that I crush myself down when I should be giving you sturdy shoulders and space for your own feelings. I'm not sure how to do better. One thing I want to try though is to make time for a reset during those conversations. I need to come out of myself and make more space for you in those conversations. You have chosen me every day for the last fifteen years, I know I can trust that. I will try to lean more of my weight on that knowledge and not let the fear of losing you break my structure. 

I learned this weekend that I have to do better. Please help me be the person that you want to talk to and choose for the next 15 years and the 15 after that and possibly into our next lives. I am not a strong person, but I want to do better for you. 

The eyes have it!

 One of the most delightful surprises Satu has ever sprung on me is still evident throughout our home. While I was away for work for a few days, she animated so many objects around the home with a package of googly eyes.

It makes things around the home seem friendly and alive. 

Satu gave me this grenade fly years ago. Now he  seems like he should have a top hat.

I feel like this eye is looking for new jewelry during prayer. Our deity's all have a little flare to them. I'm pretty sure when we aren't around, Gay Jesus discos some wild parties with the buddhas, masks. totems fetishes and astromechs. I wish I could get invited one day.

  

These two stay up late in the cabinet talking about sports and politics. They seem like an odd couple, but beans was so charming, that ketchup couldn't stay salty.

Nesting cups had a crush on Alexa for a while, but all she wants to talk about now is the weather, so it's starting to fade a bit and Neuro Fuzzy is bringing some drama to the whole situation. 

I think cups has a type. 

Meanwhile, on the fireplace mantle ledge, the wildlife host negotiations with the cats with the hare moderating to keep things civil.

Who dis now?

This is where the introverts like to hang out because it's just a nice quiet , good smelling place. where everyone is of a similar mind.

Bird and fish don't have much in common. In fact, they don't even speak the same language. However, they did once pull off a bank heist together and haven't ever spoken about it again. Crow likes to move her share of the money around trading a few coins at a time for bread from the bakery and hiring a PI to keep an eye on that straw weirdo in the corn field. 

Fish just prefers to keep his treasure on the sandy bottom of his tank with the cactus and shipwreck. One day he'll probably jump out and fly away, but today is not that day.

Snowed In

 This is one of those weekends where I just want to capture our moment in time so that one day, on a whim, we can look back and remind ourselves what was going on when 2024 started. What were we doing and thinking about?

This weekend, Satu was going to meet my "Chicago Family" as she calls them. The Aikikai there is having their kagami baraki for 2024. I had planned to make them my second dojo and try to get there for big stuff. I really love working with their instructors. Marsha Turner is amazing. Qin's whole style appeals to me. I want my Aikido to look like hers one day, and Andrew might be my personality in man form.

Why am I back in love with this art? It's not important to the world, but it's important to me. It makes me feel like my own kind of warrior.

As a kid, I loved the structure of your garden variety strip mall karate. I love to try. I can try sooooo hard. I can do push ups. I can kick forever. I'll do that until I die, especially if it makes people proud of me.

As a Marine, I loved service. I needed my life to mean something to other people. I wanted to be between them and death. I had nothing to lose. 

Then, suddenly, I had something to lose. I didn't know someone would ever love me for the person I really am on the inside. It made me want to reconnect with my real beliefs. Who am I on the inside? I want to give her the best me.

Honestly, I'm not sure what Satu would think of my Chicago family, but I want these people to connect with my person so they can really know me. I think at this point, knowing me means knowing her.

I always feel like people only know half of me if they haven't met her. (Also, for 100% ego reasons, I want everyone to know that someone as smart and as cool as Satu picked me out of the whole universe because of what I'm really like.) She knows my real, soft self, the one that doesn't know what to say, or who's in that move, but can be 100% in a moment with her.

Then this happened:

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That's my dog in a snow storm. That's because I am home taking a picture, instead of driving my real family to meet my Chicago family.

Last week I thought that dog was living his last days. My heart was beating slow and I was detaching from myself . I can always handle anything as long as I make distance. I can flip a switch, but then the person in the dark is not really me. This is why I can have a warrior's job. Only my body is there. That's not me. It's just the engine, not the heart.

Here's the rest of the Fam this weekend.

Barnie is in the basement with me making sure I can't sit down.

Oscar. Probably my spirit animal. I would say lion, but this is what would come up on a spirit animal search engine.

Twain. (possibly communicating with Nicollette.) and judging us. Are there too many L's or T's?

Basie. Still not sure if this is an opossum, or the sweetest little purrr motor that ever showed up in Shaker Heights.

Satu and I will stay in with the fam this weekend. Honestly, better than the original plan.

That's my person. There's not a better sound than her laugh. She probably has the only smile that I would recognize anywhere. Instantly. I love you so much. I can't even look at this picture without feeling completely connected to you. 

One day, I hope we look at this post when we are old ladies in our PJs. I hope we can laugh and remember. I love you so much. 

Venn Diagram

I think one of the reasons Satu and I work so well is that our worlds overlap where it's important, but have enough life outside of each other to always have something to share at the end of the day. Every time I think I am drawing a map of Satu's world in my mind, she opens a wardrobe, and there is new territory.

I don't think my world has unknown territory anymore. I am not a mystery to her at all. My world is kind of flat and sunny compared to her forest, water, fog, mountain world of an internal life. I think it's because of the way our brains work. In my mind, the sun only shines on one thing at a time, while in hers, she can roam many places at once. I think it builds valleys and mountains, different depths of thought all going on at once. 

The new places for me are always opening somewhere in the merged areas where we cross each other's boundaries. I think that territory is undefined and still growing because we still find things to explore. One thing I want for this new year is to bring into our shared world more new experiences. I feel like we survived last year by helping each other through, but this year I want to do more than survive. Even simple things like sitting in our garden together or wandering a local park adds to our shared world. 

When Satu was out of town last weekend, I noticed a difference in the way I end my days. When I am alone and winding down for the night, I usually feel restless. I always look for some distraction from real time. I escape into television, projects or sleep. I often don't even pay attention to those things, I let the time wash over me. When we are together though, even quietly curled up on the couch scrolling the news or watching TV, I don't feel like I'm escaping from the world. I feel like I am more myself when she's there with me. I enjoy hearing the sound of her footsteps upstairs. 

My favorite time of the day is when we sit together for morning coffee. When she's not home, I don't sit down with my coffee, I usually just take it with me while I putter from room to room. There's no experience being had in those moments, just routine maintenance on my own, well mapped territory. Even my experiences that we don't share like Aikido classes, or time I spend with friends feels better to me when Satu and I spend enough time in our shared world. My mind works better and feels calmer when she's around. I have more energy during classes, I notice things more and think more clearly when we can wake up together and fall asleep together at night. 

I am looking forward to going to Chicago with her in a couple of weeks because we will get the drive there and the drive back to just relax around each other. We will be in a new place to explore mapping out new areas together. 

Inside Rocks- and Uncle Rick

 Uncle Rick passed away this week. Though I am sure without a doubt that he had a good heart, his life had become very small and tragic. That made his death, though shocking, less tragic by comparison. 

To keep our animal selves in the present moment, we try to never think of life as finite. It is after all, everything we know. So, while Rick's passing may bring quieter days for the family, Satu is in Indiana with her Aunt Mary sitting with the discomforting feeling of a life disappearing from the world we know.

When she returns, she will surely bring home rocks. We have inside rocks and outside rocks at our home. Most of them have come from the land in Indiana.  

Inside rocks and other infinite things

Satu is fascinated by many objects and shapes, but unlike pipes, lightsabers, desiccants or writing utensils (etc.) she expresses more than curiosity about them. She told me once that they each have a spirit, so her connection to them is more than with simple objects. 

I wonder if she finds something comforting in this idea of a different kind of spirit without body and without knowledge. I think I may understand that a little. She chooses the best rocks from the pile. Not necessarily the friendliest ones, or the convenient ones, usually, not even easy ones (she has been known to operate heavy machinery to bring one home.) She brings the ones that speak to her. 

Things that used to be (actually) alive, but remind her of rocks and were, therefore, among the 4 pictures she took on our last trip together.

I find something comforting about thinking of rocks slowly changing form over the years, but maintaining their essence. Holding one of the round ones she brought home does make me feel connected to the earth in some small way, calmed by the thought of something that will be the same years after I am gone. I am generally not woo-woo about connection to the world and trying to understand some abstract purpose in our existence, but holding a rock can bring out the woo-woo a little.

Outside rocks with finite things

2023 is coming to a close. This year we have seen a lot of life ending, and not a lot of springtime. I hope that if this new year brings more rain, it will show new colors without changing the shape of us too much. like the garden rocks that brighten when they are wet. 

Resurrection of the Disney Princess

 

Let's wake this blog back up.

Is it just me, or is the prince giving soft butch energy?

It probably seems to you that if I don't naturally think of this blog often, I don't value the time that writing gives me to reflect on us. That's not at all true for me, it's just a matter of bringing back to the front of my mind what I meant to do. It's a "why did I walk in the room" sort of thing. 

I am bringing this practice back, because for me, this is a way to slow down and re-connect with our real lives. Our shared time is what brings me the most joy in life, and our connection is the thing in my heart that makes me feel like everything else is possible and alive.  

I am adding dedicated time to the week so that I can make sure this isn't something that I let slip my mind, because I think it's good for both of us, and it's a way for me to express myself in your love language, rather than the body language that is mine. 

I also don't want to send you this and then run the risk of disappointing you by forgetting to set aside some time to get into my head. 

Since It's been a long while since I posted, I have missed capturing a lot things in our lives. Should I not know what to write on any given week, here is a list of things since the last post that I want to reflect on. Some are just normal life things, some are shared things, and some are just ideas I've had on a going list in my mind.

Since my last post in 2021, here are some things:

1. How Covid felt in our family
2. The ven diagram of Satu and Kay
3. The ways that you are also mushy on the inside
4. The passing of your sister and ghosts
5. How you kept me sane when I changed jobs.
6. Flowers- don't forget flowers
7. Christmas lights and our annual date- how you narrate the drive for me
8. Your disability (passenger side aversion)
9. The geriatric ward and your quiet- librarian voice.
10. Nick and Cat leaving
11. Finding friends outside of us
12. pipes? do your favorite shapes show up elsewhere?
13. Laying the bathroom floor together and how we approach projects together
14. deep cookies
15. What music adds to my life and how it makes me feel about you when I am thinking
16. short kisses and long kisses
17. badminton

These are some topics to draw on when I have trouble settling my mind. 

I'm sorry I let this blog go before, it's always been important for us to take some time to just be us. I hope bringing this back will keep me more present and let you know that I am seeing you and I do understand some things about your deeply mysterious brain, life and heart. 

Peaceful kingdom

 

We are now a home with 4 animals and two girls. Besides the massive amount of hair that this creates, there are a lot of new moments of tension. In addition to mixing all the animals up with a move, there are new smells and sounds from Nicolette's cat downstairs. 

I am hopeful though. Even though there has been a ton of hissing and growling, the bloodshed has remained minimal. 

It feels right finally being upstairs. Satu is slowly setting up her space on the third floor which fills me with so much joy. She truly does seem happier when she has time to interact with things and to have some alone, but close time. I think it helps her put work aside for a while. On the way to and from work, her mind is usually completely overtaken with the frustrating problems of the daily grind. I hope eventually I can get myself paid well enough to let her quit without worry.

We are getting settled in our lives and it would sure be nice to have more time to enjoy the stability and the environment we are building for ourselves. 

Wild animals

 Spring is here and the cameras are on. Satu and I have already seen bunnies, skunks and groundhogs. The deer and squirrels are year round neighbors, but they have a bit of spring in their steps lately too. 

Satu and I are building a studio space on the third floor to move her into. Even though we aren't redoing the floors or changing the walls up there, the odd corners and funny shadows will make a beautiful space for her. 

I am really excited to see her bronze masks on the walls and to get her backyard foundry going this year. I think she's going to love creating at home if we can just get more comfortable with the idea of her quitting her job. 

Even though it scares me to my core, I'd love to know that she was enjoying some of the summer sunshine on her Honda rebel.

It is scary times with the pandemic making the economy safe only for the 1 percenters. Still, we play it safe enough that I think we should take the risk. Especially after Satu's sister moves in this summer. 

I have my own wishlist of upgrades for moving into the upstairs apartment. 

A french door type refrigerator would fit the kitchen a lot better and not block off the door in and out. A king sized bed would be a huge lifestyle upgrade since the animals chase me out of bed almost every night now. And I cannot wait to put in countertops and get a comfortable sofa. 

It is nice to daydream about homemaking with Satu again. As much as I hate to move, I have been wanting to get into he upstairs space since we bought this house. The downstairs is cozy enough, but I really feel like we will be able to spread out a bit. Satu deserves to have some nice space to herself to create and work on her secret projects. I have my basement dojo and office.  I feel like it adds a lot to my life to have that space just to be in. 

This year the cicadas will come out of hiding after 17 years in the ground. I can't wait to hear them singing in the woods and watch my wonderful wife examine them on her small, perfect hands. Ohio would be perfect this time of year if there were frogs and turtles. I haven't seen either since we left Georgia.

As far as our own little family of animals goes, the basement cat has turned into a very sweet, loving lap cat. He joins us upstairs whenever the dog isn't here. Unfortunately, they have had some bad interactions and I don't think they will be able to bury the hatchet. 

I think we can live with it though. We will have this whole wonderful house soon to spread out in. 

I am scared of this world too

 I am in the stairwell of our home burying myself in busy work. My country is in crisis and I am listening to songs that meant something to me when I was 20. I live with you and wake up with you and i miss you even when you are beside me. I know clearly right now that love is all that matters in this storm beaten world, but i feel lost. I want to make this world a paradise for us, but our home feels like a bunker. Hold tight to me and I will hold tight to you. Nothing else seems certain.

LL2

 Star shorts and a tee:

This ensemble is the cozy time standard. The tee is from freestate which made the beer that brought us together. (Well, the beer didn't hurt, but we are also together because of being a balanced partnership full of laughter, wonder and joy.)

I always like Satu in a white tee shirt. I think it might be a sexy, lady  James Dean sort of a thing. Anyway, that saucy look is because our cat is trying to edge in on her Friday night sushi treat. That's a hard no. 

The shorts are such favorites that they are getting a bit threadbare. Over the years that we have been together, the sky has gone from moonless midnight black to full moon on a snowy evening blue. They are still the best. One day they will probably burn right off of her sleeping body with a little crackle. Satu is a hot sleeper, and I think they are thin enough now to ignite on some particularly dry summer night. 

Lesbian Lingerie

 You may know from watching porn or seeing almost any meme on the internet that some lesbians like to wear beautiful, silky, sexxxy things to bed. Many lesbians like to have pillow fights and group bubble baths as well. Satu and I are not those lesbians though. We are this kind of lesbian:

For a while I have wanted to start a sexxxy fashion blog to showcase some of Satu's best bedtime outfits. Sexy is not about wearing something with confusing straps that drapes alluringly off of a shoulder or disappears into the folds of a derri-area. Sexy is in her beautiful voice whispered in my ear, her bare skin and her knowing smile. The fashion speaks for itself. Satu's lingerie is about eating popcorn in bed, making sure she doesn't sweat to death in her sleep and also about not giving a single solitary fuck about what other women wear to bed. She knows that I think she is the sexiest person alive. She knows that she is my dream girl, so the LL posts that follow this one are snaps of some of my favorite outfits and looks. I think they say a lot about why she is the only person I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. 

I am writing this from work

 Because this is where I am as I am missing Satu right now. I usually miss her whenever she is not around. At this point in my life, I feel more like myself in her presence than I do when alone. That's not to say I can't be alone, or don't enjoy doing my own thing, but everything is more fun for me with Satu.

I can enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watching lightning bugs or cooking, but only her presence makes the experiences the best that they can be. 

Lately, Satu and I have been able to work together some. This always makes work seem less like work and more like free time. 

We have had a couple of weird food lunch dates that really have broken up the soul crushing monotony of some of the inventory project we have been working on.

This picture is from our new date spot called Dagu Rice Noodle. For me, I really, really love when I can be with Satu experiencing something new and exciting for her. When she laughs or investigates the world with that wide eyed look that she gets, it fills my heart in a way that nothing else does. 

2020 is a year of many surprising experiences. At least we get to have them together. 

Satu belongs to the world

I feel lucky and selfish. I live with someone who actually has meaning in this world. The world is mostly a dead end, but the rest of us keep searching.We keep looking for a noble fight to give meaning to our lives. Satu gives herself to everyone she meets. She  embodies everything I believe is true. 

Beauty is true.

Honesty

Compassion

Hope

True

Curiosity

Shelter

Fire

Love

True

Fierce

Kind

secret

True

stronger than water

She is never not herself. It's wonderful to be with someone so real and trustworthy. She is comfortable with discomfort and willing to own it. She is compassionate to everyone, but especially animals and especially the small ones. Yesterday at work she saved two grasshoppers from the busy factory floor.

Every day she does the same for me. 

Vanilla White Person Soft Mountain Playlist

The world continues to throw me and I keep getting home a little more fragile, with a few more cracks in my armor. Lets face it, my shield was always made of paper, but it is pretty tattered lately.

Home rituals and art or music that is isolated from our current world is like my zen garden or fortress of solitude.

Remember when we thought that the War on Terror was such a threat to our way of life? I do. Now, the biggest threat to my country is the president. I knew there was the fringe, but I just thought that most people want the good guys to win. You know, the good guys, the hard working women, the blue collar, but empathetic and intelligent fathers of daughters who want to be astronauts. The black men and women who support their communities and care for each other. The immigrants who risk everything to bring opportunity to their families.

My grandfather left his family in the recession for the only job that would support them at the time. He didn't know it was for real, but he figured he could trust the guy who gave his word. He broke down on the way and sold his car for a bus ticket so he could get to Tampa and walk to his new job and feed his family.

That kind of Paul union good guy.

I feel like the only world that I can believe in now is the one that Satu and I make together and the few gentle people in this little nest. My sister, my parents, well, let's face it, most of the time everyone in the world. I am a trusting person. This new world is not my thing. I am the kind of person that strangers cover in aluminum blankets at the airport. The bus driver makes sure I wake up for my stop. The waiter makes chases me out the door with my purse.

My beautiful wife protects me from mean people. She keeps me safe from the sad things and the sharp things, but this world is getting both of us.

Our  refuge is snuggled up in our jammies watching "Bones" on Hulu. Simpler times...murder, science, terrorists...

At bedtime, we now play a couple of stations for music.

The first one is vanilla white person soft mountain and the other is vanilla white person dark hallway.

Soft mountain is characterised as soothing folk with some country influences, but not the ignorant kind of country.

Dark hallway is all haunting cello music. It makes me happy that we have our own little music ritual. It is a completely non-political, uncool, disconnected sort of thing. We will belt out some Patti Larkin and fall asleep with the dog between us.

2020 can suck it, we will be here in our home eating popcorn and watching the world burn to our own happy soundtrack.

 

What is our new world going to be like?

It's very clear that we are living in a new time. People will probably talk about this year or these years like they talk about the Vietnam war or the Great Depression. Covid 19 is a thing that seems like it might permanently change everything.

It is uncertain right now if our country's financial structure is going to completely collapse or if healthcare will become an even more divided, system of privilege and poverty.

Will we ever get to smile at strangers again in the grocery store or hug someone who's having a rough day at work? Will we go people watching on a warm day for sport or gather with the neighbors for a friendly drink?

I'm not a traditionalist. I can embrace change, but not isolation. I worry that I can never pat a stranger's dog again in the park or join an Aikido class in person.

Is wrestling going to be a sport in the future? Will I be to scared to go to the hospital if I do get sick? How can I protect Satu from something you can't see? It seems unreasonable to be more worried about Covid than cancer. but you can't give cancer to your mom. Cancer doesn't close down your favorite places and put you out of work.

I wonder when the sun will come out? Will it be in time for us to meet Nick and Cat's new babies? Will more people at work get laid off? Will we be able to keep the house if our economy collapses?

This is a bit of a nervous post, but I am grateful that I have Satu to share this quiet, scary new world with. Stay healthy. Stay in love and keep laughing my sweet girl. You are the sunshine I need every day.

re-cycle

Satu can do a deadpan. She's clever and funny with a turn of phrase, but what tickles me most is when she plays it seriously, but does something completely whimsical.

After she spent most of the evening squirting me with the water gun we have to keep he cat in line, we revisited how I have absolutely zero hand eye coordination in my natural habitat.

That's weird for a person who is as physical as I am. I can put on my game face and perform all kinds of athletics, but in normal life I miss the trash can even when I am standing over it.

Satu thinks this is the funniest thing in the world. She can detach and ignore her body like no one I've ever known, but she is also incredibly graceful and powerful in her body. She can pick me up with expert balance, knows exactly how long her arms are and seems to understand exactly how I experience her touch.

We spent about 15 minutes on the instant slow-motion replay of me dropping a wad of paper next to the trash can and laughing . She's a wonderful clown and she can excavate comedy from every situation. She's a student of the art of goofy play time. It's part of the reason that she is super popular with all animals and children.

I love having a life that always has the potential for play at any moment. It's like getting to have a sleep over with your best friend at their house every night.