Snowed In

 This is one of those weekends where I just want to capture our moment in time so that one day, on a whim, we can look back and remind ourselves what was going on when 2024 started. What were we doing and thinking about?

This weekend, Satu was going to meet my "Chicago Family" as she calls them. The Aikikai there is having their kagami baraki for 2024. I had planned to make them my second dojo and try to get there for big stuff. I really love working with their instructors. Marsha Turner is amazing. Qin's whole style appeals to me. I want my Aikido to look like hers one day, and Andrew might be my personality in man form.

Why am I back in love with this art? It's not important to the world, but it's important to me. It makes me feel like my own kind of warrior.

As a kid, I loved the structure of your garden variety strip mall karate. I love to try. I can try sooooo hard. I can do push ups. I can kick forever. I'll do that until I die, especially if it makes people proud of me.

As a Marine, I loved service. I needed my life to mean something to other people. I wanted to be between them and death. I had nothing to lose. 

Then, suddenly, I had something to lose. I didn't know someone would ever love me for the person I really am on the inside. It made me want to reconnect with my real beliefs. Who am I on the inside? I want to give her the best me.

Honestly, I'm not sure what Satu would think of my Chicago family, but I want these people to connect with my person so they can really know me. I think at this point, knowing me means knowing her.

I always feel like people only know half of me if they haven't met her. (Also, for 100% ego reasons, I want everyone to know that someone as smart and as cool as Satu picked me out of the whole universe because of what I'm really like.) She knows my real, soft self, the one that doesn't know what to say, or who's in that move, but can be 100% in a moment with her.

Then this happened:

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That's my dog in a snow storm. That's because I am home taking a picture, instead of driving my real family to meet my Chicago family.

Last week I thought that dog was living his last days. My heart was beating slow and I was detaching from myself . I can always handle anything as long as I make distance. I can flip a switch, but then the person in the dark is not really me. This is why I can have a warrior's job. Only my body is there. That's not me. It's just the engine, not the heart.

Here's the rest of the Fam this weekend.

Barnie is in the basement with me making sure I can't sit down.

Oscar. Probably my spirit animal. I would say lion, but this is what would come up on a spirit animal search engine.

Twain. (possibly communicating with Nicollette.) and judging us. Are there too many L's or T's?

Basie. Still not sure if this is an opossum, or the sweetest little purrr motor that ever showed up in Shaker Heights.

Satu and I will stay in with the fam this weekend. Honestly, better than the original plan.

That's my person. There's not a better sound than her laugh. She probably has the only smile that I would recognize anywhere. Instantly. I love you so much. I can't even look at this picture without feeling completely connected to you. 

One day, I hope we look at this post when we are old ladies in our PJs. I hope we can laugh and remember. I love you so much.