Looking for a common thread

Here is a list of some of the things that Satu collects (that I know about.) I have always been curious about what the common theme is, so listing them out with some guesses about what she likes about them may be key to unraveling the mystery.

1. Fishing lures:
Hmm. They are colorful. That's a plus. Also, they look like bugs and Satu likes bugs, especially the strange and colorful ones. The more legs and fur the better I think. She is a friend to bumble bees. In fact, I have never seen her encounter a bug she wasn't willing to rescue, including spiders.

2. Droids:
She must just like them because they are droids. They are little robots with personalities. They represent the best aspects of people. Playfulness, loyalty, willingness and joy. Droids are always up for an adventure, kind of like my lady. Occasionally they get into trouble around the house. Remember when they got drunk and pooped bolts and nuts all over our bar? gross.

3. Guns:
I think she likes them because they are beautiful, well engineered tools that are also powerful. They put a small woman like her in an even battle stance with anyone who would dare to think they could bully her. She may like them especially because she is great with them. Due to Satu's no-nonsense ability to control her body and emotions, she can calmly out-shoot most experienced men who don't have her naturally calm disposition.
Guns are pretty and complicated. She has always liked various machinery and appreciated good design. Maybe Satu likes them because they strike the right love of metal and science. I personally can't tell one 1911 from another. You can point out the rounded back end all day long, but I am still going to identify that thing as a pistol and nothing more. Not my wife. If there is anyone in the world that can pick out the special difference in a thing, it is Satu... (wait a minute. That just made me feel surprisingly good about myself.)

4. Pipes:
Here is another thing that seems like all the same thing to me, but apparently we need to have different ones because each object has a different story. This one looks like a professor owned it. This one belonged to a middle class day dreamer who chewed nervously through the stem. This one may have belonged to an Italian statesman and this one to a farmer. I don't actually know if she is driven to imagine the owners or the makers of the objects. Maybe both. maybe neither. Who knows with her. She is probably looking at pandas wearing skirts online right now. Is that a thing? Meh. She would know.

5. Cigars:
I feel like these should be related to pipes, but I actually thing the connection is probably more obscure than that. It is probably about smell and taste. The same way she wants to have different liquors around, she wants to have different cigars. She really doesn't smoke them often. Satu has a keen sense of smell, so she probably appreciates the different musty, grassy and earthy smells of different tobaccos. I also think she likes to care for things that require a good sense of understanding. (like me also.) She fusses with humidity and storage. Just like with me, cigars require attention, but they are worth the trouble. Strong hands picked the tobacco, dried and aged it and rolled it lovingly. I also require strong hands. Satu has the strongest hands and heart I have ever known.

6. Desiccants.
They don't call them desi-cans. Who even knows why she has a thing for them. I feel like someone who saves desiccants probably saves matches and printed tissue papers. At this time, I fully recognize that it is very likely that my wife has a collection of printed papers in a variety of colors, sizes and prints. I will probably never find it, but it is probably somewhere.

7. Cardboard ships:
This one is a write off. I feel like everyone would love and collect these if they know about them.

8. Hamsters and crickets and such:
Japanese. What can I say. We have a figurine of  a woman washing a cat in a clawfoot tub and a ceramic baby riding a cricket. Of course there are plastic hamsters and battery operated lighting bugs.

Reality break: What is the common theme? Man stuff? No. Men don't collect hamsters or dessicants. Small? No. Pretty sure Satu would add a cannon to her gun collection if she could. Functional? Nope. Umm. cardboard ships?

9. Lamps.
Satu definitely has a thing for light sources. The older the better. 20's-60's preferred. Shiny is good but so is translucent or luminescent. Flickering candles or glass? lightning bugs? Is this a related category. What is the connection here?

10. Books:
There are some books that need to be a part of the whole. Is she missing one of the Nancy Drews? We definitely have full collections of navel books and Charles Dickens and the OED which is the never-ending collection of collections. Is it the obscurity and thoughtfulness of the themes?

11. Little plastic thing-a-ma bobs.
I am thinking of the things over the sink. They are of a kind, but do they count as a collection? Maybe the key is in things that are related, but only in my wife's brilliant mind.

12. Light sabers:
I think this is just a thing that she fell in love with and became an expert in like guns or cigars. Are these in any way related to the need to collect beautiful tools, or is this about imagination? Are they like ships in a bottle and reliving naval battles in space? Is this really about how Star Wars saved her life, or is it about getting your own little piece of a fantasy as an adult? I feel like for me, life with Satu is the fantasy I have always dreamed of, but maybe she has a hero's spirit. Maybe she is a swashbuckler. Maybe she's Superman, or Aquaman, or Tarzan or Hans Solo. All of that wrapped up in a small, super wiggly little fireball of a lady.

13. Knives.
I think Satu likes things that are shiny and things that are dangerous. I think knives satisfy all of that, plus the love of tools. I have always had a thing for Damascus steel because it is swirly, sharp, pretty and deadly. Is Satu the same way, or does she have the brain of an engineer? Does she like sharp, craftsmanship, shiney, engineering or some combination of the thing you could never guess about?

Does she like the stars? Can you collect them in some way?
What is the next thing she may like? It won't be new. It won't be plastic. Maybe wood? Maybe leather? Maybe glass? Colored glass? Small glass? Artisan glass? Is there such a thing as old man, naval glass? Can we get a porthole from the Pequod? What snags her imagination and holds it indefinitely?

What is the common theme? Maybe it is just her. Maybe she is the only one with the unique life that allows her to know about bronze, collect fishing lures and love me into our sixties. This didn't help me figure out the common theme, but it did help me re-define how unique my wife's wonderful mind is.

Satu, If I could be the next strange unknown that you would discover. If I could just be a shiny tool or a complex and mysterious scent. If I can just hold your fascination long enough to be the next thing. The best thing. I want to be the thing that makes you laugh and captures your imagination, but I also want to discover those things with you. Your mind is so endlessly curious. How do you make connections? How could I ever know what tickles your fancy? You are bottomless and topless.Your touch reaches the stars and unknown places. You are the only person I know who could be you.

What is the connection? Who could know? It is just your fancy. The things that you love are lucky things in the world. Myself included.

Double plus uncozy

Right now I am at my younger sister's house getting to know my new nephew Sam and reconnecting with my sister. I love them both so much, but I feel decidedly out of sorts without Satu around. I miss our home and the way we quietly connect just by being around each other. I miss the terrible little dog squeezing between us when we try to spoon and I miss the one eyed cat purring like a chainsaw while she makes really uncoordinated muffins on the comforter.

I miss feeling like Satu and I are united against the world, cozied up together in our cave preparing to face the day together. I miss the way she smells especially feminine before work like lotion or hairspray, or whatever happens in that tiny bathroom of ours that prepares her to be seen. Except by me. I get to see her as she is. Unguarded. Perfect.

One of the things I love most about living with Satu is the little moments of joy that she finds everywhere. Look at that lady cardinal in the bush! Can you believe that this hairball I found under the couch is perfectly round? Look how serious the dog is when he tries to figure out if he likes olives. Every day is full of ordinary moments that mean something because I have her in my life to share them with. It is like having a sleepover with my best friend every night and always being excited to get home.

As much as I love my sister, this sleepover would be so much better with my wife here. I'd love to see her hold Sam. I think that Satu is hard for me to read sometimes. She's really tender on the inside, but she often doesn't show it to others. I just know that if she held Sam next to her chest, all of the joy molecules in her would click together and make a giant ball of happy light inside her. She is good with babies and animals after all. I'm happy to be her animal.

The family peanut

Look at him!!!! Sam. He's perfect. And he's the big news this week! Satu and I have a nephew!!

I am not sure how my sister managed to get a 9lb 8oz perfect baby boy out of her lady garden and is still able to walk around, but Satu and I couldn't be more thrilled with the new addition to our family.

We have talked about having children of our own, but with lesbians, these things don't just happen like they do when straight couples find themselves alone in a dark room.

I can't imagine how much crushing love Kim must feel for Sam because Satu and I already love him completely and infinitely. For the first time in my life, I truly understand what people mean when they talk about babies like they are little miracles. Tiny, impossible little people. Everyone knows how this happens, and still, when it happens, it seems so crazy, so science fiction, so infinitely wonderful.

Satu is going to be a wonderful aunt. Here is a list of some of the reasons that I know she belongs in our family and will be such a great influence on the new little guy.

1. She understands children and small animals. She is a comforting influence on anyone that needs the light touch of a reassuring hand.

2. She is strong enough to keep on loving and loving and loving through all of the weird ups and downs that come with growing up.

3. She is loyal. If there was one word that I would choose to describe my wife, it is loyal. She is true to herself. True to her ideals and will be there to love that little man as fiercely as anyone else on earth.

4. Satu is great at flirting and understands women. When Sam needs advice that can't come from his parents, Satu will tell it like it is. She will make sure that the young man has good "game" without sacrificing being a good person.

5. Satu understands people like no one I have ever known. She is a careful observer, and though strangers may not know it, she is one of the most empathetic people that I know. There is not a person on earth that she won't try to understand.

6. Satu talks to children like they are real, important people who matter. Because they are. She is playful, but respectful of their person hood. She shows everyone respect for their individuality. Just because you are three years old doesn't mean that you should get talked down to or patronized. You should be talked to like a person.

7. Satu knows how important an aunt can be to help develop a well rounded kid. She talks about summers with her own aunt that helped her understand a different perspective on family.

8. Satu is one of the most steady people I know. She belongs in our family.

When I was a teenager, I felt like I needed distance from my mom, but I still needed to talk to grownups and to feel reassured by someone who loved me. For a summer when I was particularly lost and felt overwhelmed by the fragility of life, I wrote letters to my mom's twin sister. She always answered and as far as I know never broke confidence. It was good to be watched over by someone just outside of the nucleus. I feel like Satu is the calm, supportive one between the two of us and I could see her providing that same kind of support to Sam if he needed it. She is a metal dog. Loyal, sturdy and trustworthy. I know Sam is going to love her.

The whole Dam family

Every time I put up a blog post, Satu reminds me that this is really the best present that I can give her. It is free and I can do it from home, so to me it doesn't seem like much of a prezzie, but to her it is better than flowers, comic books, desiccants, gran marrrrrar or any of the other odd things that she likes to have as a surprise. It is certainly better to her than most of the stuff that I have delivered here to the house. Every time a box arrives, she still looks at it hopefully and asks "what is it?"You would think that she would know better by now. It's probably shoe laces or hinges in the mail, a source of constant disappointment. Here though, It's a weird little space where I can remind her that I love her. (Why do I need spell check for weird every damn time? You would think, that it would one of my go-to adjectives.)

I love you honey. Don't ever forget it. I love you when you are near me and when you are nowhere to be found. I feel better and more like myself whenever you walk in the room. I love the way you smell, the sound of your voice and the way you scoot around when you are chasing the cat. I love that you can look funny and a little scornful at the same time.

See.

I love our whole damn family so much that I can hardly imagine what I would be like on my own. I certainly wouldn't live in a home like this, or love it as much as I do. The best part about our place is that it is ours. Every daydream that I enjoy has you at the center of it somewhere. There is no hike I want to have without you, no road trip, no fancy food and no art that I can imagine that wouldn't be better experienced with you. When I daydream about building a little space in the basement it is because I want a place like that for us to enjoy. How lucky am I? Most married people want a man cave or a suite of their own. I just want another room to nest in with you and expand our fun little home together. 

I often forget that for you, this little blog is a new space where you can connect with me. It seems kind of fitting that I just want to nest in this house and to feel close and you just want to nest in your mind to feel close. 

I'm sorry I don't do this more. 

There can never be enough ways to say I love you. 

I love you all the ways.

A space for art

Finally we are doing more than talking about an art studio. We found a place in Cleveland Heights that was opening studios and snatched one up for Satu. The place is colorful and alive. The exact opposite of our basement. When I moved Satu in last Friday, I thought that all of her art was either heavy, sharp or fragile. When she started to move in on Saturday, I realized that there were treasures in there that I had never seen before. There were colorful signs of a past group project and a moving, but really sad piece about the bird flu. The piece was even sadder to me because I know how fond Satu really is of birds. She delights in all creatures, not just the cuddly or accessible ones. Somehow she can still feel very close to an animal that she can never touch. It is enough for her to get a quick, sideways head tip from a blue jay, or not..
 I thought it was wonderful to see Satu in what I think of as her natural habitat. When she talks about art and music, it opens this door to her private interior. It was really wonderful to see her talk to people about her own art and see her reach out to folks who were all there for the same reason. She seemed comfortable and excited about learning new things. She seemed at home in her new studio even though there is more work to do. I hope one day she will make that her job if she feels inspired there and fill her days being creative and happy. It seems to me that when Satu is most herself, that is how she would choose to occupy her time. The world would be a better place for experiencing her art.

Turning the page

It is always hard to turn the page on a part of your life that you thought was meaningful Even if the story isn't always happy, it's your story at the time and it feels wrong to just start writing something else when you know the characters and settings so well.

Satu is starting a new job on Monday where I work. It is a huge unknown. Will she like it? Will she be happy? Of course she can do it, she works harder than anyone I know and she will always give her best effort (thus the nickname.)

For selfish reasons I want to work on the same schedule with her. I think it will help me feel like we are more like a pair than a relay team, but I also want a foothold where I can talk about my work with her. Right now, the characters have to be built and backgrounds have to be given if I want to talk about that part of my life. It's a weird place and sometimes the little social happenings are just seeds that never find ground.

More than anything, I want Satu to feel proud of herself. From my perspective, there are two things wrong with the job that she is leaving. 1. people shit on her emotions all the time. 2. She already knows all of the answers, so the challenges may be daily, but there is no figuring out for her to do.
Satu has a brain that likes to solve problems. I think she will be happier in a more complex environment. Anyway, I hope she will.

You never can really know what's after the chapter that you are currently writing, but I do know that with Satu, we are safer, better and stronger than we would be alone.

My life and the choices that I make have meaning that would disappear instantly if Satu were not here. I believe strongly, and I always have, that the only real thing that matters in life is your love for others. Without that passion, why do anything? Even if you do good for strangers, it is out of some love for them. Some sense of sameness.

I think Satu will find meaning in her new, weird job with all of its characters. I think that she will find someone to share a sandwich with and give nicknames to. If there is laughter in a place, even if there is yelling too, there is a spark that makes it worthwhile.

In our home, there is always laughter. Though I care more about what goes on here than anywhere else in the world, you have to have healthy interactions at work or outside of your home in order to bring them back to the nest.

Overall, I hope Satu will find that kind of opportunity as she starts this new story, and I am excited to be more a part of it.

The map room

Satu and I have an unusual home. It's unusual because both she and I are unusual people and we magnify each other rather than cast shadows. We shine our strange lights into each other's corners and discover what hidden worlds dwell there. I think that curious people always love maps and the artifacts of work that is beyond their own personal knowledge. I am pretty sure that is why we have a map room.

Most people who live in a two bedroom apartment would prefer a guest room, or an office, but we prefer worlds in our world.

The room is like us. It's happy. There are a lot of things that don't seem to belong, but actually do belong. Old tools. A doll that lives in a box, oars and artifacts.

With Satu, nothing ever seems out of place. There is no corner that she won't shine light into and look un-blinking with curiosity, amazement and openness. I think if I am completely honest, Satu's curiosity was the first thing that drew me to her. She didn't fit a mold of all of the parts you expect in a person. She didn't have simple taste in music, books, or interests that fit what you think of when you try to label someone as an artist, or lesbian or intellectual. She is all of the things that fit her and then worlds and worlds more.

Satu is just as likely to be drawn to an interesting bug as she is to a piece of fine jewelry and this is the complexity that keeps me surprised and happy with her. She is not some thing that I think she is or that the world thinks that she is, she is an infinite world of unique beauty and imagination. She is the only one of her kind. Though I know she will never be fully domesticated and could not thrive in captivity, we nest happily together. I can no longer imagine my own world without her in it, whistling and crouching in the doorways as this strange little animal does.