Getting older, wiser and weirder

 It's kind of hard to see yourself from a perspective outside yourself. I am surprised all the time by the deepening lines by my mouth, the un-recognizable white haired lady that sometimes shows up in my mirror if it's been too long since I've colored my hair. 

You tell me you are feeling that too, struggling to find anything graceful about this process. Let me tell you how I see you then. 

You are more beautiful to me than when I first saw your picture and knew that you were someone special in this world. My heart stops when our eyes meet because I think it is listening for yours. 

The world is not kind to or interested in people our age, but I'm starting to enjoy flying under the radar. You've gotten more secure and confident about sharing your heart with me, and somehow more protective of it with the rest of the world. 

There were a few years when you didn't delight in the shape of things, or the exploration of the world. Work was stealing your ability to enjoy your own mind I think. It's been such a relief to see you returning to things like building lego plants, digging in the garden and leaving the bodies for me on the driveway. Laughing. Exploring the colors of different ink.  

Isn't the trick always to allow yourself to be who you are right now? Our bodies and our experiences change with every day that passes. I loved being young with you, and I love getting older with you. Sometimes I wish I had the strength and beauty that I think drew you to me however many years ago. Before I had you to lose, I seemed stronger, but I wasn't. I've never been touched by such gentle, warm hands before. I can't imagine not feeling that love with you. 

I know there are fewer late night conversations to be had. Less discovery of each other, and more discovery of the world together and apart. I want to continue to have endless vacation photos of clouds and frogs and mushrooms with you. I want to chase the cats with you when we are too old to move fast and they are too old too. 

I'm missing you terribly today, but  when I think about you, it's warm, not lonely. I hope you are at home drawing more of these things right now. I hope that you feel loved.

Undercover for 17 years

 We have been together for 17 years this year. I am sure I loved you even before I knew you. The first night that we spent together was under this blanket I believe.

We may be more worn and frayed ourselves than we were in those days, but I believe we are still just as warm. 

I think the years look good on us. In the last 17 years we wrote our own shorthand vocabulary. We learned how to live together and what we value most. 

We have had 17 years of morning coffee and goodnight kisses. So many hours spent in the warm sunlight of the back porch. 

So much time sitting quietly together and just feeling at home in ourselves. 

I love you honey. These years with you and the ones we are facing together are the best life I could have imagined. 

Where am I right now?

 We have been spending so much time apart lately. If I think about it, a lot of our relationship and connection has been built over distances. I always have felt connected to you because I know and trust that I am your one.

When something tickles me, I want to laugh at it with you. When someone makes you mad, I want to be mad at them with you. I've felt like yours for so many years now. I can't imagine giving my heart to anyone else. 

When I'm in the world without you, I feel like my best self only because you are with me in my heart. You are so much of who I am. 

I think you are with me because I am a mostly good person. I know I'm not good at keeping my mind focused, and I have a pretty narrow way of understanding the world through my own feelings. I do feel worthy of your heart. If I am careless sometimes, I am sorry. I am as gentle as I know how to be. You are hard to read in the moment, but you are easy to know. There is no sound that brings me more joy than your laugh. I know that there have been times I have failed you. It's never been a lapse of love. I can't even remember a time when I didn't love you with every one of my cells. I've never been bored by you or wanted to disconnect. I love you as constantly as I need air and I think it is as essential to my life. 

I'm also scared for my heart because I know that I am a choice for you and you are so essential to me. I am scared for you too; that you protect my heart at your expense because I can't be brave when it comes to you. I can't keep that fear inside my body because it leaks out of me. It is always there barely under the surface even on good days. The more I love, the more I fear letting you down, hurting you, showing you the worst parts of myself. I don't think I am capable of creating the distance from my feelings that you are, but you should know that my mind is still working in those moments. Inside I am still wanting to connect with what you feel and what you need. I hate the thought that your feelings go unspoken because I am so obvious with mine. 

I want to do the right things for you. I want to hold your hand when you are feeling lonely or small. I want to provide you the same comfort that you give me. I want to assure you that I can do those things for you even though I seem  too fragile. I'm not really fragile, I'm just unhidden. I would rather hear the worst truth than not know you how you really are inside. I love you so much Satu. You really are my sun, my moon and all my stars. As we change in this life together, you are still all of the light in my world.

It's all good.

 But can I pat you on the head? That's usually how I try to give comfort and show the love I feel.

I know it's hard to talk to me. I have never been able to keep a straight face under any circumstance. I want and need the honesty. I've felt you pulling away from me for a long time and I feel helpless to change it. 

I know that you don't take the same kind of reassurance from physical contact that I do. My fear is not that you don't want to touch me, it's that you don't feel love toward me like you used to. 

Have I been a disappointment to you? I know you feel self conscious about how I feel toward you. I'm not sure what reassurance I can offer you. What pats can I give you so that you feel as loved as you are. I think of being your wife as the most important part of my life. I know it's not supposed to define me, but it is how I think of myself. That's why I don't feel lonely when I'm away, I usually feel like we are still sharing experiences if not our physical space. 

If your love for me has changed, that will be very hard for me to process, but if it's your truth, you deserve to put yourself first, and I want to say that while you can't look at me. Whatever you need from me, I'll do anything I can to give it to you. 

I'll be here in any capacity that you want from me without hesitation or regret. I am completely open and I want to respect your needs and boundaries. My love for you has gotten stronger over our years and experiences, not changed or weakened. Physically I have changed a lot over our years. Age, hormones and brain chemistry, but the love I feel for you will not change. It's who I am now. 

I want you to be who you truly are too and to feel the happiness you deserve in life. If you do know what will get you closer to that happiness, please be specific and direct with me. I feel most comfortable in our home when you are happy, inspired and yourself. 

Thoughts on conflict

 I wasn't sure what I would take home from this weekend's conflict resolution workshop. When I signed up for it, I was viewing it as an opportunity to see one of my favorite Aikido instructors in a professional coaching role. I was thinking about helping people resolve conflict in a professional setting. 

That's sometimes part of my job, especially when there is a lot of change management in an organization. When I tried to think of conflict in my personal life and in my relationship, I kept coming up empty handed. It's pretty rare for me and Satu to fight about anything, and I feel like the communication we do have is always healthy and respectful. Reflecting on this weekend's workshop though, I think it's the things we don't talk about that weigh on us. 

I am a different person at work than at home.  I am used to working with mostly men, and I feel like disagreements are expected, if for no other reason than to reach considered decisions. What I have been thinking about though is how I have a really fragile sense of self in the context of relationship conflict. I worry about being a disappointment and always fear that I will learn that I am letting Satu down. I think it causes us both to avoid what would otherwise be very healthy conversations. When I hear negative things from her, I immediately go inside myself and start picking away at all the ways I am not good enough or I have let her down. I don't know why I am so quick to believe that I'm not worthy. 

That reaction is protective, but it's selfish and near sighted. I'm not able to listen correctly and consider her point of view when I am busy focusing on my failure. I don't know how to regain my integrity and make the conversation productive. It causes Satu to swallow all those negative conversations and her feelings go unacknowledged. The conversations I need to make room for get buried too because I am afraid to learn that she is disappointed in me or that she doesn't want me anymore. 

Even when she does such sweet things to show me her love and that she sees me.  

Satu, 

I'm not sure how to talk about that thing I said that one time when I reacted out of some spontaneous frustration. I am worried that you stopped loving me and I can never be good enough for you again. I feel like I spilled ink on your trust. How can I stand up straight again and deserve to hold you? I don't even remember why I was in my head then, or what that felt like. I definitely don't want to have that conversation because I know you will remember how you felt. 

I am afraid of what you think of me and how you feel about me. It's eating me up sometimes when I should be thinking about you. 

I want to be a person that can feel loved and imperfect at the same time, but I only think about my own failure when we have those uncomfortable conversations. 

I'm sorry I packed up so much stuff and moved so much stuff around. I needed to talk to you about how I was feeling in that downstairs space. I wanted to see change and do something to help me feel like I was moving forward from this past year. Doing something makes me feel like I am helping, even though I knew I should give way to how you needed to process your own feelings. 

I am sorry that I crush myself down when I should be giving you sturdy shoulders and space for your own feelings. I'm not sure how to do better. One thing I want to try though is to make time for a reset during those conversations. I need to come out of myself and make more space for you in those conversations. You have chosen me every day for the last fifteen years, I know I can trust that. I will try to lean more of my weight on that knowledge and not let the fear of losing you break my structure. 

I learned this weekend that I have to do better. Please help me be the person that you want to talk to and choose for the next 15 years and the 15 after that and possibly into our next lives. I am not a strong person, but I want to do better for you. 

The eyes have it!

 One of the most delightful surprises Satu has ever sprung on me is still evident throughout our home. While I was away for work for a few days, she animated so many objects around the home with a package of googly eyes.

It makes things around the home seem friendly and alive. 

Satu gave me this grenade fly years ago. Now he  seems like he should have a top hat.

I feel like this eye is looking for new jewelry during prayer. Our deity's all have a little flare to them. I'm pretty sure when we aren't around, Gay Jesus discos some wild parties with the buddhas, masks. totems fetishes and astromechs. I wish I could get invited one day.

  

These two stay up late in the cabinet talking about sports and politics. They seem like an odd couple, but beans was so charming, that ketchup couldn't stay salty.

Nesting cups had a crush on Alexa for a while, but all she wants to talk about now is the weather, so it's starting to fade a bit and Neuro Fuzzy is bringing some drama to the whole situation. 

I think cups has a type. 

Meanwhile, on the fireplace mantle ledge, the wildlife host negotiations with the cats with the hare moderating to keep things civil.

Who dis now?

This is where the introverts like to hang out because it's just a nice quiet , good smelling place. where everyone is of a similar mind.

Bird and fish don't have much in common. In fact, they don't even speak the same language. However, they did once pull off a bank heist together and haven't ever spoken about it again. Crow likes to move her share of the money around trading a few coins at a time for bread from the bakery and hiring a PI to keep an eye on that straw weirdo in the corn field. 

Fish just prefers to keep his treasure on the sandy bottom of his tank with the cactus and shipwreck. One day he'll probably jump out and fly away, but today is not that day.

Snowed In

 This is one of those weekends where I just want to capture our moment in time so that one day, on a whim, we can look back and remind ourselves what was going on when 2024 started. What were we doing and thinking about?

This weekend, Satu was going to meet my "Chicago Family" as she calls them. The Aikikai there is having their kagami baraki for 2024. I had planned to make them my second dojo and try to get there for big stuff. I really love working with their instructors. Marsha Turner is amazing. Qin's whole style appeals to me. I want my Aikido to look like hers one day, and Andrew might be my personality in man form.

Why am I back in love with this art? It's not important to the world, but it's important to me. It makes me feel like my own kind of warrior.

As a kid, I loved the structure of your garden variety strip mall karate. I love to try. I can try sooooo hard. I can do push ups. I can kick forever. I'll do that until I die, especially if it makes people proud of me.

As a Marine, I loved service. I needed my life to mean something to other people. I wanted to be between them and death. I had nothing to lose. 

Then, suddenly, I had something to lose. I didn't know someone would ever love me for the person I really am on the inside. It made me want to reconnect with my real beliefs. Who am I on the inside? I want to give her the best me.

Honestly, I'm not sure what Satu would think of my Chicago family, but I want these people to connect with my person so they can really know me. I think at this point, knowing me means knowing her.

I always feel like people only know half of me if they haven't met her. (Also, for 100% ego reasons, I want everyone to know that someone as smart and as cool as Satu picked me out of the whole universe because of what I'm really like.) She knows my real, soft self, the one that doesn't know what to say, or who's in that move, but can be 100% in a moment with her.

Then this happened:

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That's my dog in a snow storm. That's because I am home taking a picture, instead of driving my real family to meet my Chicago family.

Last week I thought that dog was living his last days. My heart was beating slow and I was detaching from myself . I can always handle anything as long as I make distance. I can flip a switch, but then the person in the dark is not really me. This is why I can have a warrior's job. Only my body is there. That's not me. It's just the engine, not the heart.

Here's the rest of the Fam this weekend.

Barnie is in the basement with me making sure I can't sit down.

Oscar. Probably my spirit animal. I would say lion, but this is what would come up on a spirit animal search engine.

Twain. (possibly communicating with Nicollette.) and judging us. Are there too many L's or T's?

Basie. Still not sure if this is an opossum, or the sweetest little purrr motor that ever showed up in Shaker Heights.

Satu and I will stay in with the fam this weekend. Honestly, better than the original plan.

That's my person. There's not a better sound than her laugh. She probably has the only smile that I would recognize anywhere. Instantly. I love you so much. I can't even look at this picture without feeling completely connected to you. 

One day, I hope we look at this post when we are old ladies in our PJs. I hope we can laugh and remember. I love you so much. 

Venn Diagram

I think one of the reasons Satu and I work so well is that our worlds overlap where it's important, but have enough life outside of each other to always have something to share at the end of the day. Every time I think I am drawing a map of Satu's world in my mind, she opens a wardrobe, and there is new territory.

I don't think my world has unknown territory anymore. I am not a mystery to her at all. My world is kind of flat and sunny compared to her forest, water, fog, mountain world of an internal life. I think it's because of the way our brains work. In my mind, the sun only shines on one thing at a time, while in hers, she can roam many places at once. I think it builds valleys and mountains, different depths of thought all going on at once. 

The new places for me are always opening somewhere in the merged areas where we cross each other's boundaries. I think that territory is undefined and still growing because we still find things to explore. One thing I want for this new year is to bring into our shared world more new experiences. I feel like we survived last year by helping each other through, but this year I want to do more than survive. Even simple things like sitting in our garden together or wandering a local park adds to our shared world. 

When Satu was out of town last weekend, I noticed a difference in the way I end my days. When I am alone and winding down for the night, I usually feel restless. I always look for some distraction from real time. I escape into television, projects or sleep. I often don't even pay attention to those things, I let the time wash over me. When we are together though, even quietly curled up on the couch scrolling the news or watching TV, I don't feel like I'm escaping from the world. I feel like I am more myself when she's there with me. I enjoy hearing the sound of her footsteps upstairs. 

My favorite time of the day is when we sit together for morning coffee. When she's not home, I don't sit down with my coffee, I usually just take it with me while I putter from room to room. There's no experience being had in those moments, just routine maintenance on my own, well mapped territory. Even my experiences that we don't share like Aikido classes, or time I spend with friends feels better to me when Satu and I spend enough time in our shared world. My mind works better and feels calmer when she's around. I have more energy during classes, I notice things more and think more clearly when we can wake up together and fall asleep together at night. 

I am looking forward to going to Chicago with her in a couple of weeks because we will get the drive there and the drive back to just relax around each other. We will be in a new place to explore mapping out new areas together.