Every Christmas is Better and Better

Christmas for me is no longer about giving or receiving gifts. It's not about commerce, Jesus or pretty lights. It is only about hoping that I will see my beautiful wife smile. The best part of any day is when she takes me into her arms, or when she kisses me hello or when she pats my hand or laughs or sighs in a happy way. The best part of Christmas is that it is an excuse to pick out things that I think she will like to have. I always wish for a different way to remind her that she is the world to to me.

Things can never show someone how much you love them, but neither can words. I often wish that Satu could live in my body for one day just for the experience of feeling my chemicals. I wish she could feel my heart jump at the sound of her voice. I wish she could know what it feels like to have her comforting hand on me. I can only hope that my presence makes her feel the way she makes me feel.

I look forward to every day that I get to spend a whole day with her. I don't care what we are doing, I just like to be around her in our home. Satu is the only person I have ever been with in my life that I still feel like me around. As much as I wish I could be perfect for her, she makes me feel good about being my flawed, strange self. She loves me in spite of the fact that I leave doors open and have strange eating habits. She loves me enough that she moved in with me even though that means sharing a bathroom with someone who leaves hair on every nearby surface and squeezes the toothpaste from the middle.

I feel like I would love to extend this break forever. I've had 4 wonderful days off with my wife who is the only person I ever want to be around all the time. It makes going back to work tomorrow feel like the end of a wonderful dream. Being married to my beautiful wife is my fairy tale ending. She is my happily ever after and my forever and ever.

BFB BFF

Never just one emotion

My wife is a champion multitask-er. Last night while we were watching a Netflix show "Mortified," she was also looking up random things on both her laptop and her phone. There is some part of her brain that can continue to look at pipes, categorize them and still tap into the feeling of being an awkward teen and connect with other people laughing at their younger selves. Later she told me that she felt a little sad and desperate.

I know she has had a challenging time at work recently. I think everyone worries that they might not be how they see themselves. I worry all the time if I am really a good boss, or not, but I forget often that Satu is not always as confident as she seems. It is bewildering to me that my wife can do so many things at once and be as aware as she is about all of those things, but I never realized before that she also has constant emotional conflict. She had to tell me that she was sad because she knows that I can't always recognize it. One of the things that make it even harder for me to see her feelings is that she can feel constant and deep sadness and happiness at the same time. We were just laughing at people sharing stories about growing up. That laughter was true and real, but it just mixes with the sadness for her.

For me, I generally have just one dominant emotion. This is partly why my panic attacks can go on for hours, because fear will hijack my brain and nothing else gets in while it is in charge. When I feel sad, I only feel sadness. Even something decidedly good and happy registers as sad if that is the dominant emotion. Beauty is sad, laughter seems distant, love feels like an ache.

When I feel happy, I feel a million percent happy, the sun feels good, or the rain feels nice or the cold is crisp and makes me feel excited to cozy up in my house. When I am excited about something, my brain just keeps going back to the daydream.

This experience must be profoundly different for Satu though. What must it feel like to be always a little sad, even during the best of days, while chasing the cat or laughing with a friend? She is probably always a little happy too though, that's her curiosity and her sense of humor just making her this bright eyed funny person who always knows something about you by the tilt of your hat or your odd choice of words. The curious and the funny are always there, even when anger, worry or sadness are taking over the stage.  She has learned to be direct with me about how she is feeling because her demeanor doesn't change.Now I just ask how she wants me to be there for her, but I feel helpless for not being able to make her happy. Usually, she knows just what to say to make me feel loved and supported, but she is not as quick to shift as I am.

When I am sad and she hugs me or just sits next to me, knowing I am loved makes me feel less sad.It's like going from dark blue to lighter blue. With Satu though I imagine it is different. More like sadness comes out of it's box and happiness, fear, joy, jealousy, hopefulness and all the other emotions just stay there at the party hanging out too. 

I wish there was a way to help Satu experience the happiness she deserves and not get overwhelmed by the bad stuff. She could quit her job, but she doesn't really like not making money and she gets bored and feels useless without one. She could do art full time, but she needs a social outlet and that's more solitary work. How do we find the right balance? Is there a right balance?

For now, I think the best I can do is put up this post to remind her that she's my special person. Satu, I love you so much that that is the only emotion that I can feel most of the time. I hope it is enough to bring some happiness to the mix.

Why do you want to eat the children?

I have noticed that my wife always mentions trying to eat babies that she loves. My nephew is the main example. She wants to "gobble him up" or talks about him like a ham or a succulent turkey. I don't really understand this because in my mind if you eat something it disappears, but I think that Satu understands that eating something means it becomes part of you.

I usually think of myself as the animal and Satu as the floating brain, but recently I have started to think of Satu as a cute little animal. Yes, she's usually more together, more aware and more thoughtful, but she is just the kind of animal that wouldn't hit herself in the face with a car door. I have never really thought of her this way because she is a quiet animal. She usually keeps all of her animal thoughts inside. You may never know if she needs a thunder shirt, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to feel held.

I sometimes wish that we could do what my sister just did and bring a child into our family. I'm too uncomfortable with my body and my age to ever be pregnant, but I wonder what our lives would be like if we could share this family we have made with another human animal. Satu has such a sharp mind and aside from always talking about eating them, she's so good with kids, I think some young human would be really lucky to have us as moms.

I sometimes think about how young my parents were when they were raising 2 and 3 year old me and wonder how they ever managed to keep me alive. I can't imagine knowing how to parent now, but I am certainly a more well rounded person than I was in my 20's. When I was 20 I could barely keep myself alive and now that i'm in my 40's, I'm not sure if I should yell at my dog when he poops on the floor or if I just work too much.

You know who would know how to handle this? Satu. She knows animals and people because she really sees them.

I empathize by thinking about how I would feel in a situation. She empathizes by knowing how someone else feels because she understands things about them that I don't see.

I never know if someone likes me or not because I just don't know. She never knows because you can never know everything about someone and there is always uncertainty.

Satu is really the more kind and feeling of the two of us even though I am the one who displays emotions more easily. I think it is because I was never made to feel ashamed or weak for my emotions. My dad is a very complicated animal and my mom is very forgiving. Satu on the other hand feels everything, but shows nothing because she learned from experience that people will manipulate you if you give away your vulnerabilities.How did she stay such a good mammal? I think she is just a good person.

Part of the reason that I love it when she shows me videos of bats eating bananas is that I know that when she does that it means that she felt some kind of kinship to the experience that the little bat was having. I feel empathy, but I wonder if she feels the experience in a different way. Does she imagine a simpler life where you get held in a warm blanket and have someone give you treats. Is she imagining what it would be like to feed the bat or to be the bat? Either way, I think she knows more about those feelings than I can.

Satu is a good mammal, but I would be a better wife if I knew when to be the big spoon and just let her be a little thing being loved. Sometimes I get distracted by her strength and forget that she needs to feel warm and loved too.

Things I want to do with my wife during this life time

As easy as it is to imagine our lives together as infinite, I know that it is important to experience as much of life as you can while you can. Anything good in this world can only be better when it is shared with someone you truly love. So here is a list of things I would like to experience with Satu that we have never done together.

1. Ride a roller coaster. I love roller coasters, they scare me in just the right way that I laugh the whole time.

2. See the Grand Canyon. I want to see all the world with Satu, but I have especially always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Something about that kind of nature is really calming. I love a forest, or a hike in the woods, but it is relaxing to be in a beautiful place where you can see farther too.

3. Any animal interaction at all. Goats, birds, turtles, whatever, I want to see them with her because I know she will know how to talk to them.

4. Try skiing, Even though snow sucks, I think it would be fun and give us a reason to warm up.

5. Stay in a tree house.

6. Take her to Japan for sushi, but not blowfish because I don't actually want to risk losing her.

7. Adopt more cats and dogs one day when we have a bigger bit of land. Satu wants chickens which I don't mind, but they don't hang out with you. I'd like to adopt more cats and dogs.

8. See Christmas lights in a different place every year.

9. Drive route 66 again maybe in a classic car.

10. See more art. We haven't even gone to the Cleveland museum. It would be a good place to start.

11. Make some videos with plenty of laughing, talking and just being our happiest selves. My life is so much happier than I could have ever imagined. I just want to keep spending as many days as I can with my wife, my best friend and my everything.

I know how sadness gets to the surface

Honey, I have seen you struggling with sadness as long as I have really known you. At first you would never know it's there because you are also so full of happiness at times too. You are curious, fiery and strong, but there has always been an undertow somewhere in there.
Times like tonight when the current runs along the surface, it doesn't ever surprise me, but I wish I could give you the gift of knowing what you really mean to the world. You are the kind of person who makes a place for everyone in your little store. The people who work for you and who see you work are hopefully learning by your example how to treat each other with kindness, how to take pride in a hard, physical, yet seemingly small job well done.
I often wonder if you haven't followed your passion all along, since you are a curious and proud person who looks for the right thing to do in any circumstance. Why is it that the wins never stay with you, but the losses churn over and over bobbing in the current?
Could you have been a professor or a more famous artist? Certainly, yes, but then you would still feel the fall tiptoeing into you just like it is now. You would feel isolated at times, but you do hide from the world. These rainy days make me feel hollow on the inside too. My old black dog is different from yours though. My sadness has always been about letting the chance to be really loved and seen slip away from me. All it takes to bring me peace is the light of your smile or the sound of your voice.
Your sadness is deeper in your heart. It is the loss of connection when it should be all around you. I am sure it moved in when you were a child and has just never left you because of the coldness and betrayal that taught you how to feel alone even when you are not. Even when people love and care for you, you worry that they don't know you or the connection isn't real. I can tell from watching people react to you that they feel drawn toward you and connected, even when you feel guarded and alone. Maybe your purpose is no more than to just be in the world and be you.
Complicated, smart, funny, loving, wonderful and sad you.
It's raining, Kevin is dying, your Mother is sad and selfish, winter is on the way and everything is still fine. The tide will go out and in tomorrow, the sun will rise and the dog will be between us. The sadness will ease and laughter will overshadow it some too.
Please don't let the undertow drag at you and make you question who you are and how you got here. Here is a good place to be, and it's a fine place to start from whatever you decide to do tomorrow.

Animal whisperer

We have a house that is always full of the sounds of purring, tail thumping and the very sloppy mouth sounds of animal cleaning rituals. My wife can talk to any kind of animal.Often they talk back.

We miss you Josie

Thursday, when we came home and let the dog out, he immediately started barking and digging at the corner of the yard near my work bench. He usually goes after anything in his territory and patrols for intruders every time we let him out, but this was different than his squirrel and chipmunk bark.
Satu snuck up on the corner while I carried my squirming, obsessed dog into the house. At first, we saw nothing, but then spotted a little patch of fur under the legs of the sawhoarse. Then a little pink nose appeared.
My sister hate opossums, so does my neighbor. In fact, these little coarse haired rats seem to be on a lot of people's no-go list, but not my sweet Disney princess. She dispatched me for cookies immediately.

We always try to feed the animals. We have fed sandwiches to raccoons, nuts to squirrels, turkey to hawks, and released a stunned mouse from the birdfood bin, but this was our first time feeding Jamaican biscuits and animal cookies to a possum. He of course played dead while my wife clicked and chatted at it. I think my favorite part was when she shone the flash light in my face to show the little guy what I looked like. Presumably, that was supposed to calm him down, as if I was not a giant, scary human thing and if he could see me, he might re-animate. 

We tossed him some cookies and he didn't react, then after a little more chirping and cooing, we backed away. Satu couldn't stay away though and went back for another peek. This time the little guy was forced to play dead with an animal cookie in his toothy little smile.

My wife seems to know and understand every person and animal she meets. She's endlessly curious and doesn't judge someone on whether they have a pink rat tail or a mat leaves stuck to their butt fur. She sees every potential interaction as an opportunity to cross boundaries and show the other species in the world that some humans are kind, curious, careful and willing to share their stale treats. 

I for one am very glad to live with her and share my stale treats with a woman who will imitate a raccoon and have long conversations with the cat. I like that she extends kindness to little animals that are scared and might have rabies or might be our new backyard neighbors living next to the woodpile. It's a pretty happy little den to be a part of. 

Free roaming dreamer

This quick post is just a note to tell you how cute you looked this morning in your deep sleep. It was too hot for me in the bedroom last night, so I slept in the front room that usually stays cooler. The dog goes where I go and smashed himself on my feet at the foot of the couch as soon as I was asleep and couldn't tell him no.
This morning when I came in to check on you, you were spread across the bed in a long question mark shape. You seemed more restful than I've seen you in months uncrowded by the dog and cat and wife. It made me laugh to think that you were probably dreaming about space.

For all time

I don't know how Satu knows things about me that I never even told her like a mantle clock is the coolest present I could get for our anniversary. As well as Satu knows me, I can't think of any reason that she would know that I wanted that kind of a clock. I don't recall ever remarking about how they make an old home like ours seem cozy or about how my grand dad had one that chimed and I always thought it was like a surprise song whenever it would chime. For me, there is only one right shape for a mantle clock, roughly the shape of the snake eating the elephant.

There are other shapes of course, but not for me, and some how Satu knew that. 

I imagine all the other things that I never mentioned that Satu knows. Given the following list of things I have never said, she would probably just say, "of course." there are no surprises here. 

If I said that my favorite book as a child was " The Little Engine that Could." she would just say,"Of course."

When grown ups asked me what I wanted to be, I'd always say a marine biologist because of Jaquees Custoe and my dad.

I was fascinated by barnicles

I thought martial arts was a viable career field.

I was so stressed out about my responsibility for keeping my sister safe that my compulsive behavior started there as a coping mechanism to keep my brain from worrying about everything that could happen to her.

I wanted pet lightning bugs sooooooo bad. 

The thing I was most ashamed of was accidentally making one of my classmates feel bad and being too embarrassed to apologize. 

Of course, I don't have that same kind of intuition about her , but here are some things I think I know. 

Satu's favorite book as a child is written in German and too sad to talk about. Ever again.

When Satu was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she always just said "Myself/ but a grown up me"

She was fascinated by everything. 

She thought "bad ass" was a viable career field, but if that didn't work, she could always fall back on  " brilliant."

She was so stressed out about her parents, that she just went on by herself and relied on no-one. 

She wanted pet everything, armadillos, raccoons, bats, beavers, hedgehogs, etc.

The thing she was most ashamed of was other people.

I never could have imagined that I would get to marry my best friend, who knows things about me that I have never even mentioned. She keeps me safe and protects me even when I don;t see that the world can be dangerous. She smooths down my worry and protects me from the world that could never see me the way that she does. And the clock now represents all of the happy moments we will spend together in the years to come.

Contradictions

My wife is surprising, curious and beyond a doubt she is her own person. Most people you can infer some things about them by knowing other traits, but not with Satu. She's impossible to predict. Here is a list of things I know about her that seem like they shouldn't exist in the same person. She is a little bit of everything.

Satu live tweets... she will not talk on a phone... ever... almost.

Early in out relationship, much stress was had over how badly we communicate on the phone. I need to see people's faces to understand what is going on, but Satu is verbal and can carry on two different conversations in two directions if she wants. She often will look at something on her phone and her laptop while watching tv. She will live tweet a scify show to strangers, but definitely won't talk on the phone, ever or answer the door, even for food or the police.

Satu is a catch, she knows that she's super hot and that she looks like a very fit 30 something. She's prettier than any woman I could imagine. She's nerdy-hot in a naughty, flirty way. Satu knows she's beautiful, but she also worries about the tiniest things. How can you think a few grey hairs matter when you have the perfect voice, the deepest, most mysterious eyes, the softest touch and a smile that makes you forget everything else in the world.

Satu is completely grounded. She suppresses excitement, sadness and all other emotions. Except when she laughs, she really does it. When she smiles at you, it's the only real thing in the world. When she sings, it makes me feel all of my feels and probably the neighbors feelings (hope they are having a good day.)

My wife is completely independent. At work she moves furniture that is twice her size and weight, but when it is time for me to bring her things, I will be doing that. I have a function, and that function is to make sure that she doesn't have to get her own popcicle.

Satu is the best person that i know, but she's also the best person that I know, the person that makes me feel most at home, the only one I feel at home with. She is the best person that I know. no buts, no exceptions. The only one for me.

I love getting to see my beautiful wife

I love to see my beautiful wife peacefully asleep. It's such a confusing thing to see a tiny tornado at rest. It makes me want to gently pat her sleeping cheek just to feel the warmth against my skin. Sometimes she will sigh which breaks my heart over and over. The love that is never contained and never stops growing fills my chest in waves while she just dreams her fitful dreams.

My new schedule means that I get to actually date my wife again. Though there is still too little precious time we can spend together, the hours we get contain more daylight. It's also remarkable to see this tiny little tornado of a woman express every kind of gentleness, kindness, playfulness and love when we are together. I think that one of the things I like so much about Satu is that she inhabits the world in a genuine way. She makes time to go outside with me to experience the magical light of a sunset. Still, after ten years together, my heart jumps when she looks me in the eyes.

Seeing Satu during the day means that I get to learn things about her too like how she restored the red color to the bowl of one of her pipes mixing in just the right amount of ash. She speaks fluent crow, which I knew, but she also speaks squirrl, deer and opossum, which is new information to me.

Lately we have been watching a very loooooooooong series of  British detective stories. The episodes are long and slow and meander over WW2 English towns and people at a very leisurely pace. I don't have the patience for it, but it's comforting in the way that shadows on the ceiling comfort you when you shouldn't be awake. It makes the home feel homey and gives us good reason to sit together.

Satu worries about getting older and seeing her lifetime stretch out into the past, but I think that we are in our best season yet. I feel loved in my home and happy with our lives together. That has always been my understanding of success because I grew up with people who weren't struggling to identify with their work or their names in the world. The world is just the stretching landscape where you make a very small, happy story. I know Satu sees it differently, she wants to be seen in the world for what she knows she does well, I just want to be seen by her.

I hope that as we roll into season 11 of our own long, meandering American lives she will be able to experience bringing her work into the world. I'd just as happily sit with her in the studio while she works if it means bringing more fullness to her world.

He's not boss, your're boss

I'm not sure where Satu learned to work, but she does not do half-hearted, ever. She does honest, genuine, compassionate and dedicated and she does it at 100%. I'm not sure why this man has chosen to square off with her. Maybe it's because he has a micro-penis, maybe he grew up thinking that it gave him a more important place in the world. It doesn't. That guy has nothing on her. He's just a lazy, entitled dick that can't be challenged. He's talked himself into a cozy role there where he doesn't have to do anything and he's trying to defend it. It doesn't make him boss, it doesn't make him anything.

Here are some of the reasons that I know Satu is a good leader, role model and coach.

1.She has integrity. She doesn't stray from the right thing because it's easier. Managers do things right, leaders do the right things.

2. She knows you because she knows everyone. No one gets people like Satu. That's why I know this guy is seriously off. You know how if your nice dog doesn't like one person, that person is probably a child molester or just stole food stamps from the elderly? Satu's the nice dog if he was woke and didn't believe anyone's shit. She sees all your bull shit and blemishes and likes you anyway because you get to be human. You don't get to be Mel though. He's not welcome.

3. She keeps trying. Satu can go to work sad, come home sad and still made someone else's day better by saying the right thing, or just looking at you like you matter. She keeps the crushingness on the inside and offers the right words, a shoulder when you need it and inspiration when you feel low. Then she never asks for it in return.

4. She's brave. No one wants to have the hard talks, be the bad guy or take one for the team, so she always does it so you don't have to.

5. She doesn't turn off. She doesn't let the day end. It just rolls into the next day and she keeps doing the right thing.

6. She won't let someone snowball her. Satu has a well tuned bullshit detector and knows when you lie to her. She may let you do it, but she knows you threw the thing away, just admit it.

7. She's not wrong. Just because some ass hole doesn't like having a boss, doesn't make you bad at it. It makes you all the more necessary.

Keep doing it. Keep being honest, kind, brave and real. People take time, but the good ones want to be there for that, and the bad ones can go fuck themselves. He's not boss. Satu's boss.

How Satu handles stress and uncertainty

I often say that you can tell when Satu is upset because nothing about her changes, not a raised eyebrow or a sigh. There is definitely stress though. This month Satu got a promotion and is now the Manager of her store. I quit my job with out really having a plan and won't start work again until next week. We have basically been trying to keep eachother calm and distracted the whole month.

Satu is a champion. Even though it must have been scary for her, she encouraged me to quit because she doesn't think I should have to apologize for having opinions or doing what is right as a leader. She was fiery about that, which is to say that she talked sternly in her regular voice and displayed no other notable change in demeanor.

Here are some other Satu only reactions to the outside world:

If she disagrees or thinks she might disagree, she will either say "Huh." with a slight upward inflection or just a maybe and then change the subject.

When Satu is really upset, she usually just walks into the bathroom or bedroom and will not be seen until after she has put the heavy iron lid on that.

When Satu is delighted, she may just chuckle quietly, she may swallow that laughter letting out only a tiny, barely perceptible smile, or lately, she has been expressing it by playing cheesy 80's music.

If she feels lonely, she will watch a dreary British mystery and send me a text just to say "hi baby." I check my phone all the time for a little hello, and whenever I get one, even after 10 years, it makes my heart jump.

When Satu, is cold or hungry, well... she's always cold, but when she's hungry, she just forgets where she put things. She doesn't get cranky like most people. She just soldiers on and handles things.

Satu has a full, deep and varied emotional life, but she's private about it. It's not anyone's business anyway.

The one thing Satu is never secretive about is how much she loves me. Over the years, she has learned to stop and hug me and pat me and remind me that she loves me so that I never have to guess. I love her openly, and she loves me back with her arms open, a smile on her face and with every word that she speaks to me.

Disaster preparedness

Perhaps the reason that Satu watches ships sinking and planes crashing is that she is attracted to disaster. I am sure that is what keeps her with me. Everything I do is not quiiiiite right, not always wrong, but let's just say that any plan I ever make is open ended.

I break many of the things that we live with, jars full of q-tips, gone. Wine glasses, off the corner of the table, even the Christmas tree isn't safe, so it's not really a surprise that the get away weekend I planed for us last week didn't go the way we thought it would. We packed up our food and headed to the country to check into our cabin and make some dinner. Unfortunately the cabin was just a bedroom attached to a bathroom. It was more like a guest house without a kitchen. It was however, super warm inside which was great because I had told Satu that she wouldn't need heavy sweaters or coats since it was supposed to be in the 50s that weekend. When it started to snow, we curled up in bed with some cheese and crackers allowing the meatballs to be a casualty of my minus touch.

Sometimes being a disaster has some bright spots though because my beautiful wife is usually game enough to roll with the changing, unfolding, sinking or burning plan in real time. Because I had already failed several times that day, I took two of my "don't freak out pills" before bed. The last thing you need on a get away weekend is your wife having a panic attack and keeping you up all night. Just before I fell asleep, I saw a shadowy creature zoom across the table. Satu spent the rest of the night coaxing the mouse out so she could get a video or twelve of the cute little critter. It was not a restful night for Satu, but at least it was squeeky's fault, not mine.

 The next day after making 2 pots of coffee in the tiniest coffee maker ever,  we did go out and brave the cold to see some of the nearby reserves. Eventually we feeling to our hands and feet so we didn't know how cold we were. It was actually very fun for me. We kept a brisk pace on the hike because we wanted to see stuff, but didn't want to be outside for long, so we just tried to hike fast and see everything as quickly as possible.

One of the reasons that I know Satu really, really loves me is that she coaxes expressions out of me when she wants to take a picture. Not only do I never recognize anyone else's face (I can't tell Bil Murray from the Dos Equis guy), I never know what my face is doing. From people's feedback, I think I usually look like a total bitch, but then sometimes I look overly hopeful like maybe I'm about to be praised or get told that I did a good job breathing just then. When Satu wants to take a picture, she gets me to look at her which makes the hearts spring out of my eyes and relaxes my face. (you can tell it;s relaxed because I have 40% less wrinkles on my forehead.

Worried look: Please love me. See I have a dog and giant, lovable thighs.

Look, I'm smiling with 40% less old lady what the fuck over my eyes. Look. Look who loves me.That one. The pretty lady with the best smile in the world. She picked me, and she's taking a picture, and this sweater has a heart that she sewed inside it just for me... because she loves me.
Fuck all yall, I've got the best wife ever.

Satu was a great sport about the whole weekend, even though the getaway wasn't wine-country luxury, it was really fun. I sometimes just want to be somewhere new to have new experiences with her. I want to have new mice and coffee pots in our lives sometimes. Yes, next time I will try to spring for a place with a kitchen, or a little more privacy, but if I happen to book us in a place with one room and a display of clown sculptures instead, there is no one in the world who could make that seem like heaven except Satu. 

5 things in the real world that remind me of Satu

There are materials and objects that sometimes remind me of my wife. I know that she gets this concept perfectly because she will sometimes describe herself as a double-metal dog. All the loyalty of a dog with the permanence of a warm metal heart that burns like molten iron. Here are some of the other materials and things that remind me of Satu.

1. Sand

Sand is soft, but made out of the tiniest pieces of whatever is close in the world. On the beach, it's rocks, coral and seashells that warm in the sun. Only when you look closely do you see the small glittery pieces that flash as you walk. In the moonlight, the sand reflects the moon from you feet making your footsteps glow. That's how I feel being married to Satu, like every footstep is special in some way.

2. Cedar

Satu will tell you that wood hates her. It always hurts her and she usually has at least one splinter somewhere in her body at any time. She does love the smell of cedar though. It's spicy like her. It's a smell that is clean and complicated, beautiful and unmistakable.

3. Fire

I'm not sure if fire counts as a thing, but technically, mass and energy are interchangeable, so let's just go with it. You don't get too close when Satu is roaring because you  will get burned. When she's cared for though, she warms up the whole house. Everyone wants to be near her.

4. Stone

Not giant mountain stone, round pleasing, unique, perfectly smoothed stone. She doesn't yell out from the landscape, but she does stand out. There will only ever be one person made exactly like her, with each historical layer smoothed over, buried into her and showing once in a while if you happen to look in exactly the right light.

5. Bone

Satu never pretends that she is marble, cotton, diamonds or coal. When she is bone, she will just be bone, but you have never thought of bone this way. You realize looking at her that your past understanding is incomplete. Yes, what you know about teeth and finger bones may be true, but you don't really know the half of it. She's living, growing, organic and strong. Not carved, not sealed, but in the world exactly as she is. She may peek out at you from a doorway and you feel as though you have gotten a glimpse at something wild and real.

Real like bone, layered like stone, wild and hot like fire, complex like cedar and soft and endless like sand. That's my wife.She is also everything else too. Everything in the world to me.

Why being seen has changed my life

I am tired of seeing 20 somethings settle for terrible relationships and spend so much time on drama. I know that it's part of learning to be a grown up, but it's so embarrassing to be forced to remember all of the things I thought I knew about the world, all of the stubborn self-righteousness and self imposed isolation. How indulgent and privileged. 

I think that I really didn't know that I deserved to be with someone who likes and accepts me until I met Satu. I would call many of my past relationships good, but I don't think I ever had arms that I could truly relax into. The real difference is that I feel seen for the first time.

I think people have a tenancy to reduce each other to a handful of traits, kind of a cartoon shell of a person, and then you don't really register anything that doesn't fit that picture. There's no connection there. It's like living with books, you may find them enlightening, deep or meaningful, but there are limits to the interaction. You are still just a person living alone with books.

With Satu, I love that we keep learning and exploring the world together. She doesn't reduce me to a manageable  thing that can fit into her life, she lives her life with me exactly the way I am. I feel like a real, full person for the first time and not just a full person on the inside and a cartoon on the outside. I feel known. I feel valuable and special and understood.

Having Satu know me and knowing her makes me feel solid in the world. I don't care as much about the rejection I might face out there, because I can come home to someone who loves me. I will still be someone.

For me, this feeling is a re-birth. Satu is more curious to me than I think I am to her. She knows my thoughts before I say anything most of the time, but I feel like she is a constant mystery. Even so, I see her more deeply than I have seen anyone before. I see her complexity and her flashes of stormy emotion beneath the calm water. I see her worry and uncertainty along with her deeply grounded confidence and intelligence. I may never know what to expect, but I am paying attention.

This relationship feels electric. Even after ten years, hearing her voice makes me want to learn more. Tell me stories. Tell me about you. Think of the adventures we can have together.

I still can't  believe sometimes that I am so lucky that I get to be with her. Out of everyone in the world, she chose to marry me. It wasn't about strategy or reason, she really loves me in a way that makes her molecules move wrong when I'm not around to break her wine glasses or drop a tablet on her in the middle of the night while trying to show her kittens. My molecules get sore when I don't see her. Everything slows down and loses color.

It's that color that I am seeing now in the world for the first time since I met her. Everything in my life feels richer, deeper and more real.

I love you Satu. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for letting yourself be seen.

Who were you in a past life?

Satu is so unique and such a blessing in my life, that I have found myself lately wondering how all of that wonderfulness could have gotten into one person? One person who is so perfect for me that I sometimes want to wake her up in the middle of the night just to see what wonderful thing she does. Would she be mad? That's terrifying, but amazing. Would she do that sleepy mumbling sigh that she does? I know she hates it, but it melts my heart. Maybe she would just turn over exposing the hotter side of her lava rock (her body temperature is always near plasma when she sleeps.)

What could Satu have been in a past life that could lead to all that muchness in one tiny body?

1. Cat. (obviously)

Satu was probably a cat in several past lives. When you think about how many cats there are in the world and how all of them get nine lives each, statistically speaking we have all probably been a cat at one time or another, but Satu, she probably absorbed the essence of cat by being several varieties of them.
a. She stalks things quietly. Yesterday she stalked me and then slowly retreated into another room. When I came out to check things out, she just slunk noiselessly away and hunkered down.
b. She keeps her emotions to herself and doesn't make sudden unpredictable moves. When she is scared, she seems the same as when she is elated. You have to learn her to know her.
c. She is patient. Satu will wait out a Christian radio play to the end just because she heard the first full line. It doesn't matter how much Jesus appears to the little boy or old man ( I don't think there are any Christian plays with women as main characters.) She sits the way a cat will sit and stare down an empty hallway until the end just to see what happens.
d. If you let her come to you, she will love you unconditionally. She knows when you need a warm body next to you and a quiet companion. She knows everything about you in fact. She has been observing the whole time.

2. A farmer

a. She is good with her hands and will devote her body to completing any task that she starts, even if it means suffering to yield a small crop. Satu has more than one story in her life about having to write with two hands or drag her left foot behind her. She doesn't ever, ever, ever give up once she has chosen to do something.
b. She's pragmatic and loyal. I imagine her talking to chickens like good friends and still being able to keep the farm in balance, making tough decisions when necessary. She's calm under pressure and doesn't shy away from what is right just because it is often harder.
c. She knows things, but they don't define her. She can make a home wherever she is and be content with what her work yields.

3. A princess or queen.

a. Right, right, I know everyone says they were probably someone extra ordinary in a past life. No one ever thinks they might have been a rice farmer (more on that next.) However, if I have ever known anyone who has the presence and poise of a queen, it's my beloved.
b. She already has a British accent, but you will never hear it unless we are watching "The Great Brittish Bake off" or some slow moving British procedural. (Satu taught me that that is what formulaic, episodic crime TV is called.)
c. She not only knows what fork to use and which plates are for decoration, but she is powerful and confident enough to eschew all of those fussy rules if you don't.
d. People seek her out. Just meeting her eyes with yours could cause your heart to stop altogether.
e. Is this a good time to confess that I have no idea what color her eyes are? I know what they look like, but... here's the problem, they aren't a color. They are a lot of colors. Also it doesn't help that my heart stops when she looks at me aaaaaaand my color identification system has been mis-loaded since birth.

4. A rice farmer.

a. Satu thinks she may have been a rice farmer in a past life. See all of the above stuff about farmers and add "unassuming and very, very patient."
b. No matter who she was, she probably had one of those pointy round rice farmer hats. She looks good in all hats, so I can't imagine any scenario in which past lives exist and Satu didn't have one of those hats in at least one life.
c. What can you say about this life except that it is really easy to imagine her speaking to all of the water birds, the fish and all lizards and snakes while she is at work. I mean, the reason this blog is about a failed Disney princess is because she speaks fluent animal.

5. A house.

a. Satu was definitely a house at some time in her past lives. If you think homes aren't alive, think again. They have a personality, style, charm and a mind of their own. Not only do you live in your home, it lives with you.
b. She had beautiful windows, but has a strained relationship with daylight. All of her windows opened to the moon and reflected the stars. She probably had ivy protecting her from the day light. Come to think of it, she was probably built someplace dreary, but provided a warm hearth for her family. I am sure it rained alot.
c. She was made of stone. It is strong, but keeps the heat in if you know how to build a fire in the heart of the home.
d. She protects the family at all cost."It doesn't matter what is going on outside, never you mind. Come. Sit by the fire, tell stories, laugh, I will protect you." she says.

6. Air.

 Satu is and always has been essential to life. I didn't know it until we met, but she is what I need to be alive in this world. She carries the whispers of lovers on her breath, she fills you and keeps you afloat in stormy seas. She's infinite and dangerous and necessary. She's not blue in the day, or black at night, but she allows you to experience both. She's weightless and everywhere.

7. Satu

There is the possibility that Satu is as she always has been, complicated, flawed and perfect. One of the most obvious things about her is that she knows herself. It is easy to imagine her in other forms, but it is hard to imagine her without the essence of who she is. She doesn't totter between two poles, she is one or the other. She doesn't do things that are unlike her. She would never be a Siamese cat, a soy farmer or an unhappy home. She's the only her in the world. My home, my queen, my air. I love you.

Three Wise Squirrels

Why do fabled things often come in three? Three blind mice, three little pigs, three kings and three wise squirrels. Believe in them, they are real and they mark the Christmas season in our home since Satu and I have started sharing Christmas together 10 years ago. Like most of the fun, quirky things here, they were characters in my wife's story before I was, but now we are in the same story, so they are mine too.

These three wise squirrels hold gold, frankincense and myrrh. Two of those things are supposed to smell good I think, but after these years, they are kind of blankincense and mehh. When the squirrels come out, so does the whole gang.

There are two handmade cloth wise men who don't have gifts, but I like their sense of humor. During the Christmas season you can hear them on the sideboard table drinking bourbon late into the night after we've gone to bed and laughing about what the third wise man is probably up to. They tell tall tales about their escapades with the dolls and daring escapes from the cat. They think their friend probably followed the wrong star and ended up at some beach singing country songs by the water.

There are several herds of reindeer also. There is a silver heard, a black heard and a wooden and cloth heard. Oh, they manage to pose in threes during the day, but those guys leap and graze when no one is around. There is one that can't quite pull off the pose, he looks a little gimpy and drunk all the time, but he's the life of the herd every night. The cat and dog won't get off the bed once we retire for the evening because you never know where you are going to find the rowdy band of wildlife. Prey animals they are not, more like a bunch of wild teenagers. Did you know that all of the reindeer have motorcycles and spend their nights looking for the droid hang outs? Thankfully those droids are pretty quiet about their meeting places. If it weren't for the two llama always bailing them out of trouble, the whole lot of them would probably be in the petting zoo by now.

Satu and I always have some version of a tree, we both like the light that gives everything a little extra color this time of year. She puts out candy canes and icicles and sparkly things. She lights candles and hangs bells and sings to herself and to me. The deer over the fireplace gets some decoration too and so does the dog sometimes.

This home is happy all year, but especially happy with the magic of Christmas lights and fresh snow on the ground.

My beautiful wife is the spirit that keeps everything here magic. I realized today as she carefully packed up the rowdy deer and the two wise men and the squirrels that she is really the source of light in this house. I can't imagine a better story than the one she and I share. It may not be told by generations of people, but it is all that matters to me in my little life. Two little ladies, an old bug eyed dog, a hairy cat, a band of reindeer and llama, three wise squirrels, two wise men and a partridge in a pear tree.