Saturday, February 10, 2018

Why being seen has changed my life

I am tired of seeing 20 somethings settle for terrible relationships and spend so much time on drama. I know that it's part of learning to be a grown up, but it's so embarrassing to be forced to remember all of the things I thought I knew about the world, all of the stubborn self-righteousness and self imposed isolation. How indulgent and privileged. 

I think that I really didn't know that I deserved to be with someone who likes and accepts me until I met Satu. I would call many of my past relationships good, but I don't think I ever had arms that I could truly relax into. The real difference is that I feel seen for the first time.

I think people have a tenancy to reduce each other to a handful of traits, kind of a cartoon shell of a person, and then you don't really register anything that doesn't fit that picture. There's no connection there. It's like living with books, you may find them enlightening, deep or meaningful, but there are limits to the interaction. You are still just a person living alone with books.

With Satu, I love that we keep learning and exploring the world together. She doesn't reduce me to a manageable  thing that can fit into her life, she lives her life with me exactly the way I am. I feel like a real, full person for the first time and not just a full person on the inside and a cartoon on the outside. I feel known. I feel valuable and special and understood.

Having Satu know me and knowing her makes me feel solid in the world. I don't care as much about the rejection I might face out there, because I can come home to someone who loves me. I will still be someone.

For me, this feeling is a re-birth. Satu is more curious to me than I think I am to her. She knows my thoughts before I say anything most of the time, but I feel like she is a constant mystery. Even so, I see her more deeply than I have seen anyone before. I see her complexity and her flashes of stormy emotion beneath the calm water. I see her worry and uncertainty along with her deeply grounded confidence and intelligence. I may never know what to expect, but I am paying attention.

This relationship feels electric. Even after ten years, hearing her voice makes me want to learn more. Tell me stories. Tell me about you. Think of the adventures we can have together.

I still can't  believe sometimes that I am so lucky that I get to be with her. Out of everyone in the world, she chose to marry me. It wasn't about strategy or reason, she really loves me in a way that makes her molecules move wrong when I'm not around to break her wine glasses or drop a tablet on her in the middle of the night while trying to show her kittens. My molecules get sore when I don't see her. Everything slows down and loses color.

It's that color that I am seeing now in the world for the first time since I met her. Everything in my life feels richer, deeper and more real.

I love you Satu. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for letting yourself be seen.

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