Honey, I have seen you struggling with sadness as long as I have really known you. At first you would never know it's there because you are also so full of happiness at times too. You are curious, fiery and strong, but there has always been an undertow somewhere in there.
Times like tonight when the current runs along the surface, it doesn't ever surprise me, but I wish I could give you the gift of knowing what you really mean to the world. You are the kind of person who makes a place for everyone in your little store. The people who work for you and who see you work are hopefully learning by your example how to treat each other with kindness, how to take pride in a hard, physical, yet seemingly small job well done.
I often wonder if you haven't followed your passion all along, since you are a curious and proud person who looks for the right thing to do in any circumstance. Why is it that the wins never stay with you, but the losses churn over and over bobbing in the current?
Could you have been a professor or a more famous artist? Certainly, yes, but then you would still feel the fall tiptoeing into you just like it is now. You would feel isolated at times, but you do hide from the world. These rainy days make me feel hollow on the inside too. My old black dog is different from yours though. My sadness has always been about letting the chance to be really loved and seen slip away from me. All it takes to bring me peace is the light of your smile or the sound of your voice.
Your sadness is deeper in your heart. It is the loss of connection when it should be all around you. I am sure it moved in when you were a child and has just never left you because of the coldness and betrayal that taught you how to feel alone even when you are not. Even when people love and care for you, you worry that they don't know you or the connection isn't real. I can tell from watching people react to you that they feel drawn toward you and connected, even when you feel guarded and alone. Maybe your purpose is no more than to just be in the world and be you.
Complicated, smart, funny, loving, wonderful and sad you.
It's raining, Kevin is dying, your Mother is sad and selfish, winter is on the way and everything is still fine. The tide will go out and in tomorrow, the sun will rise and the dog will be between us. The sadness will ease and laughter will overshadow it some too.
Please don't let the undertow drag at you and make you question who you are and how you got here. Here is a good place to be, and it's a fine place to start from whatever you decide to do tomorrow.
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