Just thinking about how lucky I am

Right now my girlfriend is in Lawrence visiting her family and bringing home some delicious Freestate beer for us. I can't believe how lucky I am. Out of all the people Satu could be with, she chose me and continues to choose me every day. When I am difficult and clumsy she doesn't just throw me back to the wild, she's so gentle with my tender feelings.

There is nothing in the world more compelling than her kisses. She is playful, funny and so beautiful that I couldn't have dreamed up someone who captivates me more. After five years, I still daydream about the woman that I get to come home to. I don't know anyone in the world who has it this good.

Sleeping beauty

Finally we live together and we have a few precious hours a day together. It has been so long since I have opened my front door and really felt at home. Now I can come home to my own family even if my sweet girl is asleep because I have a very impractical work schedule. Third shift is not easy, but I am still happy to have this fresh new start with Satu in a new town. Today at work I met the new inspector that they hired. He left neuroscience research to work there. That is in addition to a NASA R&D engineer, a biochemist, an accountant and a variety of other folks with colorful backgrounds. I have put all my eggs in this one basket, but at least it is a colorful basket.
I can be happy working almost anywhere as long as it is not boring and overly full of drama, but my biggest hope is that Satu will make a better, more fulfilling life here for herself. As much as I love her and can't wait to come home to her every day, this whole thing will be a failure if she doesn't find some satisfaction in her life.
I think we all look for meaning in life and we all want to leave some kind of mark on the larger world. Satu especially feels a need to reach out, but she keeps reigning her hopes back in so that she can be responsible. She is a genius. The best parts of the world deserve her input and she deserves to feel at home in the world like I feel when I come home to her. I don't think that is as much about being famous or appreciated in the moment as it is about doing what you feel called to do. I hope that she will find something that engages her mind and inspires her. I hope I hope I hope my sleeping beauty will find a happy home here too.

Delicious and on fire!

Satu and I just had our first Thanksgiving together OUR house. We had invites from friends and family, but we elected to spend the day together and making delicious food. As is our cooking custom, we turned on a podcast and I chopped and washed things which Satu took and turned into a heavenly dinner. I can't believe that she knows how to take all these plain raw materials and turn them into something that tastes like love and home. She can taste a thing and know if it needs rum or cream or peppers.

Before I even woke up, Satu made a couscous salad and some wonderful bacon stuffed tomatoes. We made chicken and artichoke risotto, homemade green bean casserole and squash casserole too. Satu doesn't go for the cream of mushroom soup when she shops. She starts with cream and real mushrooms and individually cuts and dries each bean. When I woke up, they were all lined up on the counter like they were in a formation. Three podcasts later, we were snuggled up in our cozy living room, dogs at our feet sharing a real family meal.

Today, we had plenty of leftovers, but Satu added a special treat. She made acorn squash stuffed with yummy apples. When they were ready, she doused them with rum and set them on fire! Not only did it taste wonderful, but mine was shaped like a heart. A heart on fire, which is exactly how mine feels.

Party in the front

I just got this picture...

Party in the front, and the back. Then a funeral.

Mr. Bubble, Mr. Bubble.

Mr. Bubble got in trouble.

He got a little girlie

a bit too clean.

(I'm a dirty girly) Yes please.

cake

Cake, tic tacs and pocky. I love you.

Waiting

I am usually the one who is bad at waiting. If I delay gratification for a moment, it is a triumph, but not Satu, she is patient and steady. She is calm and focused, until she's had it, and then she is a rage ball. The move date has come and gone and Satu is still in Georgia. She is working on the house there, getting it ready to sell, sleeping on a blow up mattress and talking to a stinky cat.
Earlier she sent me this picture.

Whenever she sits down, the cat has to sit next to her, which is the same kind of shit that I always try to get away with, but fail.

I am already in Ohio trying to make the house less chaotic while I start my new job and try not to fail my classes. I feel really good about this town except for one thing. My girlfriend is not here! New experiences are not as much fun if they are not shared. I don't want to try new restaurants without her, I don't want to be lost in the park without her and I don't want to be daydreaming about our home unless she is here to dream with me. Still, I try to keep the excitement about a new place fresh so that she will look forward to joining me here and not chicken out and leave me here alone with all of her stuff. Here is a list of things that I will do when she finally gets here.

1. Take her out someplace neither of us has ever been.
2. Make sure she has warm jammies.
3. Woo her with beer. It worked on me, it should work on her.
4. Fill her bird feeders and take her to see the geese.
5. Squeeze her shoulders and rub her feet.
6. Cook dinner with her in our home.
7. Give her kisses, but not all the kisses that I want to because that is too much, but some kisses.
8. Remind her why she is taking this chance with me.
9. Tell her stories or read to her as she falls asleep.
10. Look for a comic book shop with her.
11. Make sure there is toilet paper on every roll.
12. Dress up the dogs and tell them to be on their best behavior.
13. Bring things and take other things away.
14. Never again fail to be there for her, in the flesh, face to face, when she needs me.

I hate that I can't be there with her while she is dealing with so much stuff on her own. I must say though, for someone who is so shy, she has been taking care of business like a champ. It's impressive how much she has gotten done and how quickly she is wrapping up such a huge, intimidating project. I can't wait to get her back in my arms.

Mentor here we come

I haven't written in a couple of months, not because I haven't had anything to write about, but because there was so much going on that I couldn't figure out how to start. Satu and I are moving to Mentor, Ohio. I got a job there and because I am the luckiest woman in the world, Satu encouraged me to take it and has turned her life upside down to come with me and start a new life. A very, very cold new life in which we will weather the storms with warm hearts and a lot of laughter. It is a scary time for us both. Every day has been full of mistakes, unintended consequences and poorly laid plans, but also full of laughter and teamwork.

Here is a list of why I know we will make it.

1. After a long day of moving boxes and making stressful phone calls Satu offered to make us a relaxing dinner and watch a movie with me. All I had to do was go fill the growler and come home to watch netflix on a pile of blankets on the floor. Sounds fun! I went for the beer and on the way back I hit the brakes too hard and dumped the whole growler in her car. When I got home, she just turned off the stove and came out with a sponge and soap. We still watched a movie and she still kissed me goodnight.

2. Day two of packing was really just the end of day one with a nap in the middle. Satu went to get her back adjusted and while she was out, I broke a lamp that she has had for years (and years.) She came home in pain and the lost lamp made her mad, but she still made sure I knew that she loved me more than the lamp.

3. When I woke up having a panic attack, Satu got up from our floor bed, put her hand on my knee and asked if she could read to me from the botany book I have been enjoying.

4.She's asleep next to me right now because after all the times she's seen me fail, she knows that I will keep her safe no matter what and she feels better sleeping next to me.

5. After a very hard couple of weeks and almost no sleep we can still laugh ourselves to tears just by dancing like lesbians.

5. We've been together for five years and she still tickles my knees just because she likes to hear me laugh.

6. The best times of my life are ordinary moments shared with her.

Saving my dumb ass from a brain infection

So this past week for me has been all percocet, cream of wheat and and an incredible amount of antibiotics. Oh yeah, also the screaming, pain and Satu, the angel of compassion, taking care of me through the whole thing.

Last Wednesday I went to the dentist on base because my teeth felt like they were exploding in my mouth. I have been blessed with teeth that are about the hardness of soap and they have been slowly dissolving all of my life no matter how much I floss or brush or try to exercise them by holding metal flashlights in my mouth. The dentist peered in zeroed in on my last remaining wisdom tooth which has been just floating there sideways, half-submerged for all of my adult life like a capsized sailboat abandoned in the marsh. It has never been a problem, nor has it been useful, but he figured that pulling it would solve my problem. He pulled the tooth and then for whatever stupid reason refused to let me have it. This was disappointing for Satu since she loves teeth and especially likes the ones with nice big roots like molars and wisdom teeth. He told me to go home and take advil.
I spent Wednesday night hanging my head off the side of the bed and pulling on all of my teeth with strands of dental floss to try and find a less painful position. On Thursday I returned to dental sick call where a parade of doctors looked in my mouth and discussed what could be wrong. There were a lot of differing opinions, but in the subtext they all boiled down to how much of a wuss I must be if a little extraction and gum irritation was causing me to act like I'm dying. They gave me pain killers and some mild antibiotics in case it was a sinus infection and sent me home for the three day weekend.
Friday was not a fun day, but percocet has a way of making you not care too much. I woke up only long enough to wear myself back down again by hiking the 40 or so feet to the bathroom or the kitchen for more drugs.
On Saturday when I woke, I discovered that someone had implanted a golf ball in my hard pallet overnight. Had I pissed off a tooth fairy or something? The pain was pretty intense and it caused me to be a mouth breather too which actually makes me feel dumb, so there's insult to injury. Since the dentist had given me an emergency number, I gave it a call at the insistence of my sweet neighbor Sharon who had been checking in on me and feeling my forehead periodically for signs that I might transmogrify into a zombie or a vampire or something. The number led to a useless voice mailbox that asked me to dial my party's extension and then hung up on me.
The golf ball and my cheek swelled up with a nasty infection. I took refuge in tapioca pudding and drugs and waited it out until Satu drove up to see me on Sunday night. I had been spending my conscious moments peering in the mirror with a flashlight, so I knew that things were getting scary in there, but when Satu gave it a look, she instantly turned green and shut her eyes. She has described it as something that she will never un-see. Then she patted me lovingly until I slipped back into sleep. I believe I dreamed about sidewalks. I remember looking for the places where grass was growing in the cracks and bending down to smell the weeds. Weird, even for me.
On Monday I went to the dentist and Satu worried at my house waiting for me. That visit is so far the most painful experience of my life. The doc narrowed the problem down to the tooth next to the now excavated wisdom tooth and began a root canal. If you have ever smelled roadkill left in a small, enclosed, dank space you will get the idea of what that was like. When the work was done, I sat up and the pain washed over me causing me to break into a sweat and complain to the doctor. "Please fix this." I begged. "It still hurts like..." I couldn't think of anything that was painful enough to describe it. He put me back in the chair and then showed me what real pain is like. I got a shot right in the golf ball and then there was a lot of draining and squeezing and screaming. When it was over, I returned home to catch Satu leaving for work. She stopped and came in to worry over me and feel my head and panic a little while I fell asleep.
That evening Satu made the 2 hour drive back to my house where she and my neighbor Sharon met to talk about me while I was sniffing grass in my drug fueled dreams. She told me yesterday that they discussed brain infection, blood poisoning and the massive infection that I was not at all taking seriously enough. They both knew that I could be seriously ill from the infection, but I irrationally believe that as long as I am not throwing up, then things are really not that bad. There is nothing scarier to me than nausea and all other maladies are rated in an unrealistic comparison with the stomach flu being a 100 and a broken leg being somewhere around 3 or 4 I suppose.
Satu helped make sure I took my medicine and could still think. On Tuesday when the golf ball was back and I looked like a chipmunk, Satu was the one to drive me out to a real civilian dentist who would drain and squeeze my face much more gently and then redo the root canal for me. She prescribed me enough antibiotics to kill a lesser mortal, and Satu took me home to put cold compresses on my face and keep my spirits up. She called out from work and bought me soft food and kept  making sure I ate enough to get medicine in me.
I am pretty sure Satu spent the time while I was sleeping scaring herself on the internet by reading stories of people who died from mouth infections. She kept reaching over to touch my arm and my forehead gently I guess to reassure us both. She intentionally didn't tell me how bad the infection could be, Satu was maintaining a monopoly on fear for my own good and I was maintaining my monopoly on ignorance.
Now that I am feeling better and my golf ball is gone, we are having a lazy day together. I am a pretty simple organism that might have expired if she had not been there to take things seriously. I am so thankful that she cared for me and loves me and helped me recover. I honestly don't think I would be doing so well without her and I certainly wouldn't be as happy.

I want to fuss with my cigars

I am a woman who loves a project, but I love them the way I love chocolate cake, sometimes it's all I can think about but when it comes down to the eating, who ever finishes a cake? You have a slice, sometimes two and then you call for backup. In fact, what I enjoy the most is the daydreaming. The standing in the grocery store looking at all the frosting possibilities. Then sometimes I just eat the frosting with a spoon. Screw all the baking.

When Satu however, decides to make a cake, she researches cake and blogs about it a couple of times and spends a lot of time finding the perfect pan. This is a long way to go for an analogy that is actually about cigars and projects, but you get the point. She sees things through and she does them right.

This is a spreadsheet for cigars. Satu doesn't use excel, or she didn't until the humidor project. She's learning it so she can complete her plans. She is thorough and focused. Fucking pictures even! Just wow!
The humidor was a TV stand in the bedroom. I just never noticed it beyond knowing it was a thing that was in the bedroom that I understood to be a threat to my bare toes. Now, five years after my first invitation into Satu's bedroom (hallelujah! and amen!), I know it to be an antique humidor. Satu is restoring it to it's original purpose slowly and carefully. I think it's absolutely amazing that she knows how to do these kinds of things. She definitely is a friend to objects as much as she is to animals. It looks great so far and now that I know what it is I am super happy that I will get to live with it for real one day soon. Also, no matter how many times I crush my toes on it in the middle of the night, it will never beat the time I went ass over teakettle on the baby gate.
One of the things that has delighted me most is that while I was googling I want a thunder shirt for people one day  (don't judge me) google's helpful suggestion of queries past volunteered in purple text "I want to fuss with my cigars." I imagine Satu on my computer wondering how to look at the humidity level as much as she would like without messing up the process. In exasperation, I'm sure she typed in the phrase and then erased the exclamation point thinking it would throw off the search.
When I asked her about the results, she said that people seem to want to fuss with a lot of things, or they don't know what the fuss is about with this cigar or that one, but she is the only one who wants to fuss with her cigars. Well at least she is the only one that talked to Google about it. This is just one of those little things that happens all the time that makes me so happy that Satu and I found each other.
Dear Google, I want to fuss with my girlfriend!

A life filled with curious things

One of the things that I love about Satu is her curiosity. She is interested in everything which is great because so am I! When there is a mole running across the driveway, we will chase it together. When there is a frog on the front porch, I can count on her to wake me up at 1am to go check it out, and when she finds a beautiful little bird egg, well,

I might come home to find it waiting by the sink ready to delight me. Satu shares. Not just with me, but with everyone. She believes in the experience of life. She encourages Josie to smell the coffee and gives the dogs olives because they should have the experience.

When I came home and found the egg, I must admit that my first thought was...

which is a little greeting card I bought a while ago. I bought it because I am excited about moving in with Satu in the next few months and I thought it would be perfect to break the stress bubble some time when we are both neck deep in boxes and can't find the dogs under all the bubble wrap and newsprint. Unfortunately, I haven't even started to pack and I've already lost the card.

 

The thing is, I am so excited to see what our lives together will be like. We've been together for five years, but my job has kept us from being able to have all those wonderful little moments together, like when you discover a bird's nest or learn a new word. Every time I have a moment like that, Satu is the first one I want to share it with. I want her to laugh at the funny moments in my life and I want to hear about her day when she comes home to me. I want to  always find eggs by the sink and feathers in the den and get pictures of lizards during my work day because a life shared is a fuller and better life.



BIRTHDAY GOODIES!!!!

!!!!!!! That's not nearly enough exclamation points to explain what a wonderful job my sweet girl did selecting birthday presents for me. I know I am supposed to stop here and comment about how it's not the presents that count and I would be happy just getting a card or something because I know she loves me. Ok. whatever. SHE KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK and it's how well she knows me that confirms how much she loves me. The prezzies were perfect and they are a great example of just what a thoughtful, supportive, loving, understanding girlfriend I have. She just knows me like no one else could and she listens even to what I don't say.

Exibit 1:

First off she did get me two cards. One for books and one just for my ego. The gift card is because I didn't realize that the Jeanette Winterson book I had asked for wasn't even out yet and even if it had been, I am in love with my kindle and might not be able to read regular font any more at my advanced age. The birthday card just made my chest fill up with pride and hope. I know that I am not ugly, but I am no longer what I once was so I worry all the time that I will disappoint Satu or embarrass her. When she says that she thinks that I am pretty, it makes me feel good to know that I am enough for her. It really does make me feel like I am good enough for the first time in my life.

Exibit 2:

Fire. Ok. Here's why these are so perfect. Months ago Satu bought me a bamboo candle to help me start a good calm down ritual. Nights have been hard since I have been having some panic attacks, but she makes a huge effort to make tea with me and keep it light around bed time. The candle really helped, so she went back the next day and bought two more to save for when the one she gave me ran out. She has been saving them for me for months along with the lovely fig one in the background that smells like happiness and true love.

Exibit 3:

On the left is an awesome post it note tray because I have gone back to school and now most vertical surfaces in my house have at least one post it note on them. Satu has been nothing but supportive about school and has found all kinds of ways to help from editing really boring papers to avoiding the tv when I am studying so that I stay focused. The pencil she gave me is exactly like the one I "borrowed" from her last month. I found it too wonderful to return and when she saw my reluctance to give it back, did she throw a tantrum? No. She gave it to me even though she is a woman who is very fond of her office supplies. Those little bones are erasers. Cool huh? I think of voodoo when I use them and say a little rhyme to help me pass my tests.
"The marks that were, now are not.
 Come now the answer that I forgot."

Exibit 4:

Alas, poor Yorick!
He was a puzzle in about a billion little clear pieces, but Satu helped me get him together. By that I mean that she thoughtfully and methodically pieced this object together while I picked up one piece at a time and tried to jam it into whatever piece I was holding. I had a few wins merely by accident, but this was mostly her. Mad props to you my girl.

He looks great with his shot glass buddies and his vodka bottle daddy.

Exibit 5:

Ok, so this is it, this is the one that blew my mind. Every thing in here was selected just for me and it was like the birthday present that you could just keep exploring. Soooo awesome!!

This whole thing is an awesome toolbox for my bits and pieces that I am currently storing in little mugs and jars and bags. I am a bit of a shade tree inventor and I am always messing around with some hair-brained thing or another and all of my hair brained things require assortments of odds and ends. This box is absolutely perfect.

Inside, there were 30 sections all full of stuff!! Stuff for me!!!

1, 6 and 11. Gum and mints for my filthy mouth. It won't clean up my mind, but at least it will make me kissable and minty fresh. Let me just take a moment and think about Satu's sweet kisses.

2,7 and 12. Razors for my never-ending war on hair. Practical is perfect in my book. I like that Satu will get me some of the things that I just hate to buy for myself.

3,8 and 13. Eye shadow. 14. Eye shaddow brushes? swabs? applicators?  Specifically, these are colors that Satu picked out carefully for me when I had a winning experience in her make-up bag. I am kind of an awkward girl and though I long to be a pretty, girly girl some times, I missed all that stuff when I was growing up. When I was supposed to be learning how to put on makeup, I was catching frogs and playing with my chemistry set. Therefore, I have never worn any color of eye shaddow except brown because I have brown eyes and I don't know the rules. One day I tried a color that was in Satu's make up bag that she left at my house. She not only noticed, but she took notes when I told her how it made me feel pretty, but a little self conscious and she selected these colors for me. She told me that they would all look good on me and that I didn't have to worry. I have worn two of them so far and I am trying to learn the rules.

5, 9, 10 and 15. Eraser and voodoo erasers. Just because they are cool.

14 and 17. School supplies including these awesome rounded little clips so you can clip things together and then hang them on push pins and things. Currently there is one on the dog.

16. There were post it notes in here I think, but they are already in use on many of the vertical surfaces in my home.

18. There were some Dove chocolates in here, but they were too yummy and I had to eat them immediately.

19. A beautiful bracelet that looks great on me and will go with my new interview outfits that Satu helped me get.

20 and 23. Three pair of really stunning earrings that make me feel really fancy. One of them matches the bracelet colors.

21 and 25. Good smelling face mud. It is a special treat to have this refreshing stuff to make your face feel young and tingly. I like to put it on my face and light a candle and watch videos of kittens and things on you tube. It makes me feel like everything is going to be ok.

22. Q tips and stain erasers for the traveling I am doing to try to find a new job (and also because I can't walk through a room without getting a stain on my clothes.)

24. Ducky pins! Just delightful.

26. These are curious little blotting thingies that make your face less shiney. Who knew there was such a thing? Well, of course Satu knew, but this just floored me. Really, do most girls know about these things? Awesome!

27. Two really gorgeous bracelets that are silver links with just a touch of gold. They look great on my skin and have a classic, but kind of mechanical look to them. Hard to explain, but just lovely to wear.

28. Star Wars angry birds pop rocks! You betcha.

29. More post it notes in regular lemon and some in lime!

30. Travel deoderant and some germ killer to make my hands feel fresh.

Exibit 6:

And then this blew me away. The sentiment couldn't be more perfect for me. This is the kind of thing that makes me know that Satu really knows my heart.

I am such a lucky woman to have found Satu and I hope I spend the rest of my birthdays with her.

Dogs and droids cannot be trusted

 

These little guys are almost always up to something. That's what I love about them. They have indomitable spirit. Satu of course is afraid that they will burn the house down, so she is always checking up on them. I know that she speaks droid. After all, it's not a hard language for someone who is fluent in crow and chipmunk to learn. The problem is that they just won't be told what to do. They are like people that way, they have to get into things.

 

See how they just stand there and nod while she tells them how dangerous matches are? You can tell they are just going to do it again. You just know, like you know that the dog will eat your cream cheese as soon as you leave the room. Dogs and droids cannot be trusted.

This morning Satu thought that she was catching them in the act of destroying the coffee table objects or some other equally mischievous deed. However, when she got downstairs...

It seems as if they were trying to tell her how six-e she looks in her pj's (they aren't great with English)

 

Or, maybe they wanted to wish me a happy 39th birthday. They are good with numbers.

Things to remember in 5 years

I haven't posted in a while because I just spent some time in the desert without internet or phone access. My time at Camp Wilson can only be described as 90% hot and miserable, 5% windy and miserable, 2% cold showers with strangers, 1% boring brief about the endangered desert tortoise, .1% HOLY SHIT! IS THAT AN ICE CREAM TRUCK? and .9% Do you think the ice cream lady will come back?
So I have had some time to reflect on the little moments with Satu that make up our lives and since we are coming up on our 5th year together, I thought I would list a few of those moments. This way, in another 5 years, when I still can't remember if she is allergic to almonds or walnuts, we can both look back on this time and have some place to start.

Remember.

1. Satu's post for a dinner group started it all.
2. Brown pin striped pants made me late for work more than once.
3. Our first kiss was at the top of the stairs and Satu inexplicably said no right before she leaned in for the kiss. It was September 4th, 2008.
4. My color identification system has been mis-loaded.
5. Princess movies stop panic attacks and so do middle of the night car rides.
6. At this moment Satu is 43, she looks 33 and worries that her size 2 jeans are getting too tight.
7. The first time I came over to Satu's house I hid behind her dog for comfort. He was a good sport.
8. I listened over and over and over and over to the CD she made last Valentine's day.
9. Cookie! Poof.
10. I can fix it! Snap. Oh what do I do now!? freeze.
11. Satu has posted 70+ times on tumblr in the last 3 days about the hotness of Mary McDonnel.
12. Unium is the delicious wine that she got for my birthday because it has an eagle on the label.
13. Because of the already want to.
14. We went to Costa Rica where Satu got scuba scars on her feet and took pictures of plants and reptiles.
15. Last year we went to Key West where we had Cuban coffee and Satu took pictures of reptiles and plants and birds.
16. Satu leaves notes for me on my mirror.
17. I once left little notes in flowers.
18. Satu took me for a drag on the carpet on Christmas and it made me laugh like a child.
19. Shane Hylleberg had the happiest basement in the world.
20. Right now, neither of us can manage to keep food in the house because we don't do well living in separate places.
21. Fatty Happenstance has just learned to sit on laps.
22. Satu has peppermint trees on the kitchen table.
23. Lately we hang out at Lucky's because they have beer, dogs and battered artichokes, but we also like Seed because it has a horses neck with a kick.
24. Neither one of us knows what we are going to be doing in three months, but we will be doing it together at long last.

I wonder what we will be doing five years from now, and where we will live. My life with Satu is so much better than I ever would have guessed life could be. I can't wait to see what's next.

We miss you Little Hedge Fund

This past weekend was a sad occasion for our little family. Satu's sweet and lively kitty Noodle succumbed to a sudden illness and left this world.

Noodle was a little stray scrappy kitten when Satu rescued her from certain dehydration seven years ago. She joined Satu's family before I did by climbing up onto Satu's lap and pronouncing herself at home. She had a cozy little place there her whole life after that.

The hardest part about loving anyone is that to truely do it, you have to give up protecting your tender heart. You can never know how much time you will have to love someone or if you will be loved in return. If you are loved, it is the most precious gift in the world, but it comes without any guarantees. I think that to love and be loved by an animal is one of the most meaningful connections people can make in life. It is a bond you make without negotiation and it comes without any expectations or strings attached.

We both loved that little cat. For the past year she began to take on the shaggy quality of a kid's favorite teddy bear. Her fur was licked away in spots and one of her eyes didn't work at all, but she didn't throttle back on life. She still attacked the bed sheets and caught little rodents in the basement. When she curled up to sleep with you, it made you feel special. She liked to chase Satu around the house and leap up into doorways. When she ran down the hallway, it sounded like that little six and a half pound cat had a thousand feet.

I have a hard time imagining a heaven usually, but I can easily imagine one for her. The door would always be open to a lush green yard where Noodle could go roll around in the grass. Little chipmunks and birds would be everywhere. Fresh sheets would always be hovering just above the bed ready to fall as she runs wide legged beneath them . The windows would always be open and the plants could be up-rooted or pissed on at her leasure. Most importantly, God's hand, red from being kissed by Noodle's rough tounge would rest gently on her when she naps in His lap purring.

We love you and miss you little Noodle Kaboodle,
aka Little Hedge Fund,
aka Kaboods,
aka Five and Dime
You brought us so much laughter and love.

The well cared for Sims

So Satu has taken her love of unwinnable games to the next logical level. SIMS. In her every day life, Satu will take care of the birds, make sure the cats feel included in the family and give a wayward fern the best new home she can. She routinely places the little armor beetles back on the curtains where they prefer to live and she will hold nightly nightly stake-outs if her frog is in the neighborhood. Now she is nurturing computer people when the real world is taken care of. Here is why living in Satu's SIMS world would be awesome.
1. She worries about them and only wants to play versions where they won't die.
2. She makes sure the dog gets loved enough ( and rewards him when he digs up money)
3. The girls fall in love, but she wants them to have a healthy relationship, so they don't move too fast.
4. Everyone gets invited to the party and everyone gets to dance.
5. She won't let them be mean to each other.
6. They stay sparkly as much as possible.
7. They make time to talk and be romantic even if they are tired.
8. She won't buy them ugly furniture or clothes.
9. They have a VERY well kept garden where there are no weeds and all the plants are lined up.
10. She is concerned about the UFO and as God, she takes the issue seriously.
11. She doesn't make commandments or disasters, she just wants them to be well cared for.
I feel  well cared for in her arms too, and though in my world, people don't just stop working and dance, when I come home, the world she makes for us is just about perfect.

Once upon a time...

Today actually. There is a beautiful princess. She is kind and funny and curious and smart and very, very beautiful, but she doesn't know how wonderful she is because she can't see what everybody else sees when they look at her.
One morning the beautiful princess saw a tiny wrinkle on her cheek from all the time that she has spent laughing in her life. Laughing is a good thing and there is seldom a kind person in all the kingdom with a smooth face, but the princess worries and worries that the wrinkle makes her look ugly. It became the first thing that she sees in the mirror even though it is not what anyone else would notice. To everyone else, the princess is the most beautiful woman in the world. Her smile makes worried people feel hopeful. It makes birds sing and the sun shines brighter when she laughs. When she isn't smiling, the tiny little wrinkle is there to hint at her smile. It is evidence of her nature.

The princess worries about all kinds of things. She fears that people don't like her because she has known a few wicked witches in her time, but the truth is that almost everyone who knows her is charmed by her. She makes people laugh and can be the gentlest soul in the world if you are in need. Even wild animals want to be around her.
Sometimes the princess feels like people think she is a failure because she is not the most famous princess in the land and she doesn't know what the fuck she is doing with her life.
The truth is, we are all lost and don't know what the fuck we are doing. I bet even the queen has to pretend sometimes that she has it figured out. Even prince charming knows how to fake a smile.
Believe me when I tell you that the most perfect thing about the princess is that she is a real person with all the little quirks that real people have. She is warm and has been known to lend an ear to the troubled and a sweater to a trembling friend. She will even find a kind word for a witch when she sees one in need.
The value of life is not in how you make a living, but in the smaller moments you may never even think of again. The princess brightens the world just by being a part of it, and she doesn't even know that she is perfect.

A lit candle

The whole nation is reacting to the terrorist attacks in Boston, but our household is reacting in it's own way.

Satu is a remarkable woman. It is hard to know how sensitive she is because when she grieves, she does so in private. She is so controlled with her expression that heartbreak has no outlet except to cause her physical pain that she has to deal with. I am talking about the Boston Marathon, but I am also talking about who I know Satu to be because of the way she processes events like this. She keeps vigil.
Satu reads the September 11th bombing victim's names because she says that we have to remember not just the events, but the people. We have to remember that the lives lost will forever mean lost sisters and fathers and friends.

Satu reads names on memorials and reflects on the roadside offerings of strangers who have lost loved ones. When the Boston bombing happened, Satu began searching the pictures for meaning and she kept the news playing at great cost to her emotional welfare. She believes you shouldn't distract yourself from these things, as if sharing the horror and grief over and over again is somehow lightening the burden of others who are grieving. She doesn't give up. As her stomach twists into painful knots and sleep eludes her, she presses on trying to understand.
You should care. We should all care, but is also important to know your limits and when to lay down the burden, light a candle and give thanks for your life.

It's going to be OK

This might help.

Satu showed me pictures of dogs underwater when I felt like I was a tiny thing in the ocean. It helped. It amazes me how she can show me such understanding no matter how stormy her own ocean is. I wish I knew how to find the right thing for her when she feels overwhelmed.

I think we both struggle with uncertainty about how to make a meaningful and fulfilling life. Satu struggles more than I do though because she has a vision for her life that keeps getting set aside in order to do the responsible, grown up thing. I think I have always seen work as something that I do in order to pay bills so that I can live my life with her. I want to be good at what I do, but it doesn't define me. Satu is different because a bad work life is destroying her creative life and that erodes who she is and how she measures herself.

I think it is ok to quit when you don't want to be where you find yourself.  In fact, I think sometimes you have to cut your losses in order to keep afloat. Quitting a job is not the same as giving up. To me, it doesn't matter how many times you start over in life as long as you are the kind of person who will start over and over and over. I have taken many steps backward and I don't know for sure that those choices were right, but I am inclined to believe that they were because they were right at the time. There is really no winning the bigger game. There are going to be good times and bad times if you are a millionaire or if you live pay check to pay check and no one is really measuring your success except you. Even people that you admire for what they have achieved are just people like the rest of us. They have proud moments and dark times and not everything they do is golden.

Satu is a good person when she is happy, but she is also a good person when she is struggling and that, more than anything, is why I think that she hung the moon. She keeps trying.

Full of surprises

For as much as Satu likes to delay gratification, she also seems to delight in surprising me. Often I will turn a corner in the house to find her squatting on her haunches, hands over her head making a little troll face at me. It makes me laugh every single time. If she did it ten times in a row, I would laugh every single time. Here are some other things that surprise me about Satu.

1. She likes twizzlers.
2. She is fascinated with teeth.
3. She is an incredibly feisty driver.
4. She is shy about the neighbors and delivery men and the mailman.
5. Her favorite cuss words are "horse shit."
6. She still asks me for fashion approval.
7. She thinks Aerosmith's "Rag Doll" is a sexy song.
8. She walks at a jogging pace.
9. Her boot knife matches her outfit.
10. She knows what to do when there is a bat in the room.
11. She has shoes from 1982 that are still in good shape.
12. Plastic hampsters, cardboard boats and fake crickets appeal to her.

and just to make it a bakers dozen,

13. She prefers childrens games because you can't win them and there is no pressure that way.

List #2

Satu reminded me yesterday how much she likes a list. So here is a list of ways we are alike and some things that are different about us.

SAMES:

1. Loyalty
     S: Never give up.
     K: Stand your ground.
2. Patriotism
     S: Not perfect
     K: But worth fighting for
3. Laughter
     S: That's hilarious.
     K: I did that on purpose.
4. Fears
     S: Getting lost
     K: Being a loser
5. Dogs
     S: Family
     K: Smelly family
6. Beer
     S: Oatmeal Stout
     K: IPA, Unless you have oatmeal stout?
7. Pretty women
     S: Yes please.
     K: What did you say? Sorry. Yes.
8. White before labor day
     S: That's no longer relevant, but this is the south.
     K: Wait, is it labor day or memorial day? Never mind, I don't care.
9. Hygiene
     S: I'll wash your back if you wash mine.
     K: and I'll wash... What did you say? Sorry. Yes.
10. Comic Books
     S: Superman
     K: Batman (or Superman, whatever. At least we both like comic books)
11. Money
     S: Not the most important thing...
     K: But necessary
12. Food
     S: Sharing a meal is an act of love.
     K: Sharing a meal is when the family comes together.

DIFFERENCES:

1. Greed
     S: I'm going to save that so I can look forward to it.
     K: POOF! COOKIE!
2. Emotions
     S: I'm hungry. No big deal. I'm sad, but it's ok, I'll rally.
     K: Holy crap! Everything sucks! Now I am happy and feel like laughing! No. I don't know why   I'm crying.
3. Design
     S: Brilliant!
     K: Umm. Lamp? Mug? Sculpture! I knew that.
4. Words
     S: Perambulator
     K: Stroller
5. Colors
     S: Sage
     K: Grey
     S: Navy
     K Grey
     S: Aubergine
     K: Purple right? I know I got this one!
6. Numbers
     S: more than three
     K: 6.022 x 10²³
7. Strangers
     S: Danger!
     K: Hello. Please be nice to me.
8. Attention
     S: It is now alone time.
     K: Pats now please.
9. Secret prisons
     S: Always bad
     K: Sometimes acceptable

This list is definitely not comprehensive, but I think it is a good way to show how people can have common ground and still bring different perspectives into a relationship. Our differences don't make me feel distant, I cherish them. I also think that we each know what the other truly values and care enough to take those things seriously. Satu is my best friend and I think we are a lot alike in spirit, but enough different to compliment each other.

10 things that Satu does better than anyone else

1. Multi-task like a mother fucker.
Satu can watch TV, blog and shop simultaneously while also doing her taxes, cutting out pictures and cooking an amazing meal. I am not exaggerating, I have seen it happen. She is always aware of what is going on around her and seemingly never needs to concentrate. She has never once asked me to turn down the radio or clear any distractions, because nothing is a distraction for her she has a seemingly endless capacity to keep adding more and more tasks. Her little hands may only be able to do so much, but her mind never gives up.

2. Turn a phrase
Yes, she can pun with the best of them, but she can also find the right word for anything. She has introduced me to things that I was never aware had names like trivet and finial. Some times it is hard for me to keep up, like the other day when I expressed surprise that Dr. Who's "tartan" came in plaid? Clearly I didn't know what we were talking about and Satu had introduced me to the words tartan and tardis without enough time between the two.  She can write beautiful poetry or prose and whip out a haiku for just about any occasion, but the best thing is that when she says "I love you," it feels like the first time every time.

3. Talk to animals
Satu speaks fluent dog, cat, frog, chipmunk, crow and squirrel and is quick to pick up new beast dialect whenever we encounter some new fellow. She is the kind of person who will stop anywhere to save a locust from a piece of gum or pat a lizard.

4. Kiss
Because Satu is modest, I will not gush here about how much I relish her kisses. Let's just say that if I had to choose between her kisses and being the richest person in America, I wouldn't hesitate to choose her kisses. Bill Gates doesn't get to kiss Satu, too bad for him. Poor guy.

5. Cook
Satu can make a home cooked meal out of just about any ingredients, but it's not just knowing how to cook that makes her meals special, she also makes dinner time feel like family time. You can get run over by a car and still consider yourself lucky when she scrapes you off the road and feeds you her chicken and artichoke dinner. She cooked for me on our second date. The deal was that I would bring the food and she would cook it and we would share some tasty oatmeal stout that she brought back from Freestate Brewery. I had some trouble deciding what  to buy, so I bought a lot of food. Damned if she didn't cook the tastiest pork I have ever had on her tiny little charcoal grill, and bacon wrapped fillet and stuffed mushrooms and corn and still manage to whip up a homemade dressing for the salad.

6. Manage her expressions
Satu can instantly get her point across wordlessly if she chooses, mostly by exerting skillful control over her eyebrow muscles. Her version of stink eye would wither even the president. When she does the dramatic double eyebrow furl, you actually hear the building music in the background. She can express love, compassion, pain, hate, curiosity, friendship and just about anything else she chooses without a single word.

7. Blue donut of rage
I have never seen this, but when she talks about it, I get a glimpse of how devastating her rage ball can be. Imagine if the sun crashed into earth and then all of the atoms in the multi-verse exploded at once. Now multiply that by infinity, put it in your pipe and smoke it.

8. Make a list
Satu has lists for everything. I bet she has a list of lists that she intends to write. Her lists are not always just lists though. Often they are little pictures and thoughts too. It is wonderful to stumble upon a mystery list and read it without knowing it's purpose. They are like surprising little poems. It always makes me marvel at the quirky way her mind works.

9. Plan for anything
Satu knows where the fire exit is in every place we visit. She also knows what we are doing if there is a tornado, or an earthquake or a sudden blizzard. She has probably already chosen various shooting positions as we pull into any spot in a parking deck "just in case." She has first aid kits and water supplies and she checks the weather before leaving her house. I find all of this immensely comforting since my only plan is to follow her plan.

10. Laugh
One of my favorite things about Satu is that she is free with her laughter. She isn't bubbly, and she doesn't do bouncy, but she looks for the light in things. She turns a phrase so that the best side of anything is exposed and she believes, as I do, that laughter is essential. If I make her laugh, it makes me feel like a king. If I can make her laugh for the rest of our lives, it will be everything I ever wanted to accomplish.

The bringer of peace

Satu is the bringer of peace when my mind is troubled. She knows how to make monsters calm and content and how to make even the skittish nose a little closer for a sniff or a pat. Satu is a bringer of many things.

She brings tea when I feel worried.
She brings laughter when I feel stressed.
She brings movies full of hope and wonder when my mind needs diversion.
She brings light to my home, hope to my heart and pride to my chest.
She brings me to tears of joy and brings me comfort when I shed tears of sorrow.
She brings me the truest love I have ever known.

For better or for yesterday

     Normally I wouldn't blog about something that I feel ashamed of, but I think that maybe one day Satu will want to remember how solid she was when faced with one of the uglier things about me. It is testament to her kindness and understanding that she can witness my weakest moments and still call me baby.
     Lately I have been having panic attacks pretty regularly for no real reason except that I think my body hates me and has joined forces with my mind to keep me awake at night and whenever possible disrupt Satu's sleep as well. I have a pretty constant awareness of my own mortality right now. This is not really typical for me. I usually feel happy as long as I am full and warm, and I generally suspect that even when things suck they are probably getting better soon, but lately, even when I feel good, I worry that I am dying and don't know it.
     It often goes something like this. I will have a good day and feel happy and lucky. Then somewhere in my mind a little doubt will sneak in and say " you have food poisoning and you just don't know it yet," or "you have heart cancer that's why you feel all that pressure in your chest." Heart cancer!? What the fuck is heart cancer!? Crap! The possibility that something could just come along out of the blue and ruin my life doesn't seem likely to me. In fact it seems like a really dumb thing to worry about, but when the rational side of my brain starts to talk, it is already too late because that feeling you get in your stomach when the car in front of you jams on the brakes suddenly has already occurred. My mouth starts to water and I have to poop about a dozen times before I can walk upright. The physical symptoms just tell my reptile brain that I am actually dying even though my human brain keeps saying "no you're not, you are just being crazy." This feedback starts the shaking and dry mouth. At that point I think it is really just physical, but I feel really terrified and keep waiting for the fear to make me pass out and break the cycle, but it doesn't it just keeps me up.
     Saturday night I felt uneasy all night, almost as soon as the sun went down I started to worry. The really, really dumb thing is that now I am almost always afraid of having one of these panic attacks which makes them so much more likely to happen. I know that seeing me like this is a real downer for Satu. She deserves to come home to a house filled with joy, not dumb, made up drama. I tried to keep it in check, but it had already started hours before she came home from work. It was barely manageable until bedtime when the shaking started. For some reason, bedtime is especially worrisome for me. Until a few months ago I slept like it was my job. I was the CEO of sleep, probably one of the best sleepers in the world. Oh how the mighty fall.
     At 2am I went to the hospital. My reptile brain was telling me I was dying, my rational brain was telling me I am stupid. I just wanted to get to home base because I feel like if you make it to the hospital, you will be safe. I thought just waiting in the lobby would help. It did for a while. I talked to another Marine who was there, the nurses were nice to me and just let me sit there and shake to myself. Around 4 am I felt better so I decided to go home. I got up and went to the bathroom, and while I was there, that adrenaline thing happened in my stomach again and the shaking came back worse than before.
     I feel really worried that acting like that has already damaged the way Satu sees me. I never want her to feel like she has to take care of me. I don't want to be an anchor around her. I know that this is not the real me, I will get better, but I don't want this to fuck things up between us. She is so incredibly forgiving about it, but I know it upsets her.
     Satu, when you read this, know that I will make a better life for us and I will not live with this fear. I will make it ok and I haven't taken your patience for granted. I will do everything I can to make sure that you get the best me that there is and that better is ahead of us and yesterday is yesterday.

Dogs and Small Children

     Nothing wakes a person up from a dead sleep faster than the sound of a dog about to barf on the carpet. This is how Satu and I awoke a couple of weeks ago at four in the morning. After I let Sassy outside and then back in, I gave her some pats and tried to reassure her with the only words that I am positive she understands. "You are a good girl Sassy. I love you."  Neither of us were able to go back to sleep once Sassy had setteled down though because the noises coming from her stomach sounded like someone slowly shaking a gallon of milk back and forth. The gurgeling sounds were punctuated with terrible dog farts that made me feel sorry for us all.
     "Why don't you get Sassy a little piece of bread to see if it will calm her stomach?" Satu said. This seemed like an excellent idea, so I went to the kitchen and broke off a piece about the size of my palm. I brought it over to Sassy who seemed excited to be getting a treat, and put it between her two front paws. Then I bannished Gimmie from the room so he wouldn't steal her bread. Sassy wagged her tail and put her face down beside the bread. "No, no girl, you have to break it into smaller pieces." Satu said as I was climbing back into bed. I climbed back out of bed and broke the bread into three little pieces for her. I patted her on the head again and told her I love her.
     As soon as I had snuggled in next to Satu, I heard a low, impossibly long growl. Gimmie had returned and was really jealous of Sassy's treat. I was not going to have a showdown over bread at 4:30 am, so I grabbed the little one up by the scruff and threw him outside. He acted like I was killing him and continued to whine and cry at the back door as Sassy began the most pitiful ritual I have ever seen in my life. She stood up and tried to bury her little bread chunks in the dog bed. She scraped at the flat surface a few times making no impact at all and then gently placed her treat on top of the spot she had scraped. She tried this a few times and looked at me helplessly like she couldn't understand why the bread was still on top of the cushin. This was both sad and adorable to me because it gave me some insight into how instinct works without the need for understanding or thought.
     Satu got up and went over to Sassy. She put both her gentle hands on the dog, which I know from experience can make you feel instantly taken care of and loved. Sassy settled into the bed and let Satu press on her. Then Satu picked up a little piece of bread and said sweetly "Sassy, do you want this? Do you want a cookie?" Yes, she did want that. Satu picked off a little tiny piece and pretended to eat it while Sassy watched. She made smacking sound and acted like it was so delicious she couldn't believe it. I thought to myself, that will never work, but it did. When she offered it to her, Sassy took the little piece of bread and chewed it up. Satu kept up this little game until all the bread was gone and the gurgeling noises in my dog were quieting down. Sassy settled down to sleep and Satu came to snuggle in next to me.
    "I can't believe you can do that." I said. " How did you know that would work?"
     "That always works with dogs and small children." Satu answered like it was common knowledge.
"They all just want what you have. It works every time."
These are the kind of things that Satu does all the time that make me understand just how soft and sweet she is on the inside. Her compassion comes from a place of real understanding about people, dogs, cats, frogs, bugs, rats, you name it. I bet she would find a way to help just about any poor little creature that showed up in her life. We are all really lucky to be among the creatures in her care.

Alphabet Soup

Satu called yesterday after I left her house to see if I wanted to take a personality test. I did! I consider magazine surveys and personality tests kind of like reading fortune cookies. I don't know if you can trust them to give you true insight, but I will still consider the information as long as it doesn't give an undesirable outcome. If it says what I want to hear, then I knew it all along, otherwise it's all a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
I answered about 50 questions, a lot of which were the same question phrased in various ways. At the end of the test Satu informed me that I am an INFP which means two things to me: 1. I do have a personality, so I didn't fail the test. Yay! 2. If I want to remember who I am, I will have to give up space in my brain for this acronym.
Let's think about this for a minute.
I stands for introverted. I guess that's true, don't look at me.
N stands for intuitive which I suspected all along. The opposite of N is S, and I am definately not a sensing person. I don't pick up on cues and analyze things. I am usually completely unaware of the little details that make up my world. For example, when Gimmie peed on me at the dog park it took me a minute to figure out what happened. I percieved warmth, then I percieved wet, then I realized what warm and wet might mean when they happen at the same time and turned to see a little dog trotting off. It was only the combination of these three inputs that led me to understand what had happened. If I had been a sensing person, I might have known the dog was there and I may not have gotten the golden shower in the first place.
F stands for feeling. That is 100% accurate. I am a rational person only because I have trained myself to consider things more objectively than I am naturally inclined to do. I believe in the scientific method and I trust proven facts, but I force myself to consider them when I act. Emotionally I am like a little animal. If I am hungry, then the world will suffer. If I am cold, I feel emotionally fragile. If I am warm and full, I feel happy and like laughing. Watching "Piggy gets warm bath" on youtube can make the difference between a good night's sleep and a four hour panic attack. My faith in humanity is often restored just by watching flash mob videos or having someone love me enough to make me a cup of warm tea.
P stands for perceiving, which is apparantly a nice way of saying that my life is a MESS! It is true that I don't worry much with the order of things and I can go with the flow in most surroundings, but am I really that kind of shoot from the hip, whatever happens is fine hippie? Yeah, maybe, whatever. I truly can't be bothered to put a label on it.

What kind of mystical creature is Satu? She is an INTJ. That means we are half the same and half different. I think that's very promising. You can't date someone who is too much like you, you are supposed to be able to help eachother balance and bring different perspectives to the relationship.
I definately believe that Satu is an introvert. She hates to make first contact with anyone in the outside world. She's no wimp about it, when she has to be "ON," she will be, but given her druthers, she'druther not.
I am a little surprised that Satu is an N like me and not an S. She usually does know about the details around her. She not only knows that the couch is green and not grey, but she is aware of the couch's green-ness, the paper that was on the table, but no longer is, the spot on the floor and the show on TV all at the same time. I guess she is intuitive too though. Maybe you can be both.
T stands for thinking. Satu is nothing if not a thinker. Her mind is often strategizing and preparing her for action while I am just happy to have my head on her lap. She does nothing without considering the consequences, ever. I think our differences here are why we have a hard time doing simple things like picking a place to eat. She has to think about all the places we could eat and consider how crowded they might be on a Thursday and if they are likely to have parking and adequate fire exits while I can't think at all if I am hungry. But I think our differences are why we make a good team in life too. She helps me make a plan and think about possible other ways of changing the lightbulb before I stack a five gallon bucket on a three legged stool. I remind her to weigh emotions in all of the equations and if all else is equal, sometimes you just have to pick a direction and stick to it.
J is for Judgemental, which she can be sometimes, but from reading about the test, it seem this has more to do with how you oganize your life than how you feel about people. Satu knows people better than anyone I know. If you can trust anyone to judge the world correctly, it is her. Her world is orderly, even when she is behind in her tasks, she has her patterns. I doubt there is ever a time, for example, when she becomes so overwhelmed by her laundry that she just says "Fuck it," and throws the dark jeans into the pile of whites. She knows where things go, people included.
What I know is that we go together. It doesn't matter if I feel happy while she thinks she is happy as long as we keep building a happy life together.

Gentle touch

     Satu has a gentle healing touch. I find just being around her comforting and I trust that she knows how to make things better. She always makes things better.
     I do not have a gentle touch. I interact with my world at full speed, hands on the stove, face first into everything style. As a result, I often need a gentle healing touch.
    Yesterday, while Satu was at work, I decided to use some hair remover on my face to make sure there were absolutely no stray whiskers to make me unkissable. Never mind that the tube said NOT FOR FACE on it. Never mind that it said whatever it said about time on it (I didn't bother to read the instructions.) I just put it on my chin and upper lip and ignored the burning sensation as it went to work.
     I am happy to report that my face has no stray hairs on it. It is also bright red like a baboon's ass and the skin that is left is tight and shiny. The pain wasn't bad at first, but worsened after a couple of hours until it began to feel like I was wearing a fake beard that had caught on fire. As we lay down to sleep, Satu put her cool hands on my face and gently rubbed some soothing lotion into the skin. As the stinging was starting to ebb, she fetched a little bag of ice for me to hold against my mouth.
     What a kind sweet girl she is to keep putting me back together.

If you like it then you should put a ring on it.

I love her

.
and love her.

     I have known that I want to make a life with Satu almost as long as I've known her, but desiring something, even with your whole heart does not mean that you will get your happily ever after. I sometimes feel that the things I love the most are likely to disappear for no reason other than I wanted too much. For this reason, there is a part of me that always suspects that what I have with Satu is too good to be true. Don't get me wrong, I know that she loves me. I know that she is steadfast in her love and will try and try and try; it's just that the thought of losing her is so paralyzing that there is a little part of my heart that anchors the rest of it, always pulling back from risking too much. We never really talked about getting married, whatever that means for two women in this changing world. I assumed that she knew I wanted to because it is so obvious how I feel. Everything about me is obvious. I just couldn't bring it up because I didn't want to risk losing the possibility of marriage. Then there are also the auxiliary fears:
1. What if I get her a ring she hates?
2. What if I can't afford the ring she likes?
3. What if she says yes and she doesn't like my wedding dress? Is it stupid for two women to get married in dresses? I certainly can't wear a tux. Marriage is not a statement about roles, it should be a statement about commitment. Can I wear white, or will that make me seem like a joke.
4. What if my family doesn't come?
5. What if her family doesn't come?
6. What if they all come and fight all the time?
7. What will people at work say, will I have to come out again? Should that go on facebook? Maybe I can just get rid of facebook.
8. What if the whole thing makes me have a heart attack?

     What if I come home from work one day and she shows me a ring she has found online that she is drawn toward event though it is not typically her style? As unlikely as that seemed to me, that's exactly what happened a couple of weeks ago. My heart swelled with hope and all of the fear I had felt about having the marriage talk washed out to sea. Seeing her looking at rings made the possibility that I had hoped for seem like it may actually happen. It was not a fools daydream after all.
     I knew I had to buy the ring. The stress of worrying about rejection was gone, but now it was replaced with financial worry. Even though the ring she loves was not terribly expensive, I have been putting every spare penny I have into starting a business which may either turn into a viable income when I get out of the Marine Corps, or dissolve into a very expensive fantasy. There is no way to tell.
     I had to get things in perspective. People go into debt for business, for cars, for school and for so many other things in life, and none of those things could possibly be more important than seizing this moment.
I bought the ring. When it finally arrived I was on the phone with Satu. I have no idea what we were talking about because I can only do one thing at a time, and I certainly didn't want to wait to look at the ring until we were done talking. Waiting is not one of my most practiced skills.
     For the rest of the day I carried the ring around off and on. I looked at it in different lights. I got on my knees and held the box, which felt really wrong, so I decided against that kind of thing. I woke up once in the middle of the night to retrieve the ring from the kitchen and put it by my bed. In case of emergency, I decided, I would save the ring and the dogs and let everything else burn if need be. I woke up two more times after that to look at it.
     The next day I drove up to Satu's house with the ring in my purse. Then I put in my pocket, then back in my purse. Though I had decided how not to give her the ring (not on my knees, not in public etc), I had not decided how to present it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from giving it to her long enough to develop a romantic plan though. I was just too excited, so I was going to have to make it up on the fly.
     I told Satu I had a prezzie for her. She is good at waiting though and wanted to delay gratification for a little while. I put it in my pocket and then moved it to my bag. On the way to lunch she looked at me and said " I am ready for my prezzie now." Alas the ring was in my bag at home since I wasn't going to give it to her in public. Later that evening we cozied up on the couch together and I decided to get in some sleeping clothes. I had been so preoccupied with the ring that I didn't pack a sleeping costume. I had just put some clothes in my bag from the floor of my closet. I decided on a pair of stretchy black calf length jammies and a dingy concert  tee shirt, and once I put that on, I decided against giving Satu the ring that evening. Not only had I left my A game at home, but my B, C and D game were nowhere to be found either. I was so ugly in my sleeping costume that I was embarrassed to be alive and had to be covered up with blankets.
     At about 3 am Satu woke up to use the restroom. We were out of toilet paper which to me seems like misfortune, but to her is a symptom of her life falling apart. We had a long conversation about her dissatisfaction with work and the feeling that she should be doing more in life. I tried to assure her that we were going to make a bright and happy future together, but she still kept focusing on missed opportunity and failure. Eventually she sighed and settled down with her kindle. I went downstairs and retrieved the ring. I wanted her to know that the future was ours and I wanted her to feel as hopeful as I did about it. I stood in front of her in the world's ugliest outfit and slid the dingy green box onto her kindle screen. Then I kissed her sweet head and held her while she studied it in the light.
     I will make an effort to think more about the details of the wedding and not just make it up on the fly this time. I also feel relieved because no matter how bad my dress could be, it can't possibly be worse than the outfit I proposed in and, after all, she still said yes.

The best, worst trip ever.

Never argue with an artist when they have a vision. Never. They see things in a way that you can't understand.

      When Satu found her dream car, it didn't surprise me at all that it was a 1979 Toyota, Corona LE lift back that had to be cream colored. She has been hunting this car down for years only to find one after another in the Philippines or in such disrepair that it can only be scrapped for parts. Finally, she found one for sale in California, so I new we had to fetch it.

      We constructed a plan, not a good one, but a plan none the less to get out to Hemet, CA and drive the car home. We each took a week off of work to execute our plan, thinking that might give us a few days to troubleshoot since it was an old car.
 Here is the original plan:
1. Fly to California.
2. Meet car owner and buy car.
3. Drive home stopping in Santa Fe to spend a day with Satu's sister.

Here's how it went down:
Day 1
      We flew to Palm Springs while Satu, who is deathly afraid of flying focused all of her attention on not having a break down. It was a long flight. When we got there, we rented a car to drive out to Hemet. We met Randy at a local restaurant. The car looked a little more ragged than we expected, but when I saw Satu light up, I knew we were buying it anyway. We were planning on fixing it up, so it just had to make it home. The owner showed us how to wire the lights to the battery and gave us some spare parts in a plastic bag. We bought the car and drove off to find a hotel for the night. As we were looking, the sun began to set. That was when we realized that the interior lights didn't work. Luckily, Satu had a flashlight that she could use to scan the gauges. I realized as I was driving behind her, that the tail lights didn't work at all unless you were braking.
Day 2
     The next morning, we got up early to return the rental car in Palm Springs. It overheated on the way. When we pulled over, I opened the radiator cap creating a green geyser before I thought about it. We made a quick trip for fluid and shop towels and drove the last ten minutes to Palm Springs before it overheated again. We got another rental car and a tow truck to Pep Boys. They added fluid and did not charge us because they were afraid to change the oil or flush the radiator in such an old car. I guess the top off worked though, because the car was holding on to life again. It was getting dark when we got the car back, so we decided to stay in Palm Springs for the night. Doubts startrd to creep in, but we didn't listen, we went downtown and poked around a little while.
Day 3
     The next morning we returned the rental and headed out. We made a stop in Palm Desert for some Christmas gifts before heading through the Mojave. The car seemed to be doing fine, but I didn't know that the next two hours of road would be so unpopulated. We almost ran out of gas. When we were down to  our last fumes, we coasted into the only gas station for miles. I paid well over the going rate to fill up and bought a $25 gas can and some water (just in case.) Within another hour, we found the interstate. Right as we were turning on the on ramp, the Corona gave a sigh of relief and shut down. We rolled to the shoulder and talked nicely to it for ten minutes. It started up again after a little protest. By the time we needed gas again, the car was turning itself off every time we slowed down. It made the turn into the gas station especially nerve racking. We stopped for the night in Kingman, AZ and tried to calm down after the long day. We decided that if the car started in the morning, we would take it as a good sign and try to make it to Santa Fe and figure out a plan from there.
Day 4
     The car started. We thought it was a good sign, but it was just tricking us into getting an hour away from any town so that it could crap out for good in the middle of nowhere. After we yelled at the car for a little while, we drained the batteries on our phones getting a tow truck back to Kingman. The cheapest plan we could come up with was to rent a truck and a tow dolly to make the trip home. We were both too fried to try to fix the car and risk it letting us down again. We got a 16 foot moving van from Penske because that was the only thing we could rent to tow with. This turned out to be the best part of the trip though, because the guy who ran the rental place was truly AWESOME. Jim Hinckley loves classic cars and rustled up some tools so I could disconnect the drive shaft. I felt bad about lying to him and telling him we were sisters, but I didn't want to risk him not liking us. He was that cool. He turned out to be a route 66 historian and when we were all set to go, he disappeared into his office and returned with a hand written list of places he could recommend on our route. It was so refreshing to meet such a kind and intelligent man that we began to see the trip as an adventure again. We had a few hours left before we had to stop for the night, so we decided to make the best time we could.
     At the first fuel stop, Satu was in good spirits. She bought something called Bit-o-honey and we looked at some crazy little desert trinkets. Back in the van she handed me a bite of the candy to try. "Hmmm. Yummy. Uh Oh." I said spitting out a tooth. There was nothing to do but laugh and hand Satu my tooth for safe keeping. We just laughed for an hour.
     As the sun set, Satu found us a place to stay for the night. We were both more calm now that we had a truck we could trust to make the trip in. We stayed at La Posada in Winslow, AZ. It was like paradise.

 

This is a picture from the website since Satu has all of the hotel pictures on her phone. I will have to do a separate post about how wonderful this place was. We had one of the best meals of our lives there at the Turquoise room. The service was outstanding and the hotel was full of amazing art. We decided that this is where we will get married.

Day 5

     We hit the road late the next morning after we had toured every corner of the hotel and eaten a fantastic breakfast. Refreshed and optimistic, we called Nicolette and told her we would be in Santa Fe that evening. We made it to Albuquerque, NM before I got pulled over. It took me a moment to figure out that the siren was behind me since I couldn't see around the moving truck. When I got over, the cop informed me that I was losing rubber from the tires on the Corona and they were about to blow. He kindly suggested that I stop two exits up at a local tire place that could give us a good price. Thank heaven for him, because I couldn't see the car and might have dragged it an hour without tires if he had not intervened. Between being pulled over and getting to the tire place, we blew off enough tire to put a huge dent in the Corona's wheel well. When Satu saw it, threatening dark clouds formed over her head. Some very handy gentlemen of Mexican origin had our new tires on almost before we could ask them.

     We made it to Santa Fe right at dusk. As we turned down the residential street that her sister lives on, it became clear that we would never get the moving truck down one of those narrow neighborhood streets. I went a couple of extra miles and parked in the small parking lot of a local pet store. I felt pretty confident that we I would have enough room to maneuver out of there. Satu's sister called and said she would meet us and we could park at her church. It was here that I realized that I could not in fact maneuver our rolling monstrosity out of the parking lot, so I just drove it down the adjacent street and jack-knifed it so badly that we lost all hope. Fortunately, Nicolette showed up before Satu could dump me. She called a friend of hers who came to the rescue and hooked up his farm truck and bailed us out. Nicolette tried to reassure me when we went for gas and gave me a very kind pep talk. That night we had some great Mexican food and a little while later I had a terrible panic attack. I don't know why, but Satu didn't dump me then either.

Day 6

We got to see some of Santa Fe with Nic and met some of the people in her church. Around noon, we were able to trade the tow dolly in for a trailer so we wouldn't risk losing any more tires. Both of us wanted to stay, but we were already so behind schedule that we decided to try to get some miles down that evening. We made it to Tucumcari that evening and stayed at one of the places Jim had put on the list. It was a great place called the Blue Swallow Motel. The owners were great and let us pat their dog and made fresh coffee in the morning. They loved old cars too and made us feel more hopeful about our dead Corona. We bought Jim's book in their lobby and made plans to return to route 66 when the car was running again.

Yes, they had 100% refrigerated air

 

Day 7

We were back in adventure mode. We drove with determination and focus all the way to Dallas that night. I was not prepared for every single road in Dallas to be under construction. Once we got through the city, we started looking for a place to stay. The city traffic was so bad that I had started to shake and couldn't do one more left exit or lane change. I tried to stop at a HoJo, but couldn't find the hotel and ended up back on the interstate. We tried a second time and had to do a couple of gas station loop-de-loops before I could make a landing in the Holiday Inn parking lot. We walked to dinner on shaky legs.

Day 8

We finally hit our stride. At noon, we realized that we wouldn't make it all the way home, so we picked a medium sized city to stay in on our last night. In Meridian, Mississippi we made reservations at Weidman's restaurant, but weren't really sure how we would get there. I called a local cab company where I encountered the worst customer service of my life. The dispatcher hung up on me, and when I called her back an hour later to ask where the cab was, she told me she still didn't have one available. We got in our truck and headed down town. Luckily, there was a bank near the restaurant and we were able to park there and walk to dinner. The meal was great and we had a fun date night.

Day 9

We returned to Atlanta victorious. I jack-knifed the truck and trailer one last time in Satu's driveway and blocked off traffic in her street. Her kind and handy neighbor Dave came to the rescue and now we have a new project to fit into our lives. That evening I saw Satu pat the Corona's hood lovingly and I knew we had chosen the right car.