Lately I have been having panic attacks pretty regularly for no real reason except that I think my body hates me and has joined forces with my mind to keep me awake at night and whenever possible disrupt Satu's sleep as well. I have a pretty constant awareness of my own mortality right now. This is not really typical for me. I usually feel happy as long as I am full and warm, and I generally suspect that even when things suck they are probably getting better soon, but lately, even when I feel good, I worry that I am dying and don't know it.
It often goes something like this. I will have a good day and feel happy and lucky. Then somewhere in my mind a little doubt will sneak in and say " you have food poisoning and you just don't know it yet," or "you have heart cancer that's why you feel all that pressure in your chest." Heart cancer!? What the fuck is heart cancer!? Crap! The possibility that something could just come along out of the blue and ruin my life doesn't seem likely to me. In fact it seems like a really dumb thing to worry about, but when the rational side of my brain starts to talk, it is already too late because that feeling you get in your stomach when the car in front of you jams on the brakes suddenly has already occurred. My mouth starts to water and I have to poop about a dozen times before I can walk upright. The physical symptoms just tell my reptile brain that I am actually dying even though my human brain keeps saying "no you're not, you are just being crazy." This feedback starts the shaking and dry mouth. At that point I think it is really just physical, but I feel really terrified and keep waiting for the fear to make me pass out and break the cycle, but it doesn't it just keeps me up.
Saturday night I felt uneasy all night, almost as soon as the sun went down I started to worry. The really, really dumb thing is that now I am almost always afraid of having one of these panic attacks which makes them so much more likely to happen. I know that seeing me like this is a real downer for Satu. She deserves to come home to a house filled with joy, not dumb, made up drama. I tried to keep it in check, but it had already started hours before she came home from work. It was barely manageable until bedtime when the shaking started. For some reason, bedtime is especially worrisome for me. Until a few months ago I slept like it was my job. I was the CEO of sleep, probably one of the best sleepers in the world. Oh how the mighty fall.
At 2am I went to the hospital. My reptile brain was telling me I was dying, my rational brain was telling me I am stupid. I just wanted to get to home base because I feel like if you make it to the hospital, you will be safe. I thought just waiting in the lobby would help. It did for a while. I talked to another Marine who was there, the nurses were nice to me and just let me sit there and shake to myself. Around 4 am I felt better so I decided to go home. I got up and went to the bathroom, and while I was there, that adrenaline thing happened in my stomach again and the shaking came back worse than before.
I feel really worried that acting like that has already damaged the way Satu sees me. I never want her to feel like she has to take care of me. I don't want to be an anchor around her. I know that this is not the real me, I will get better, but I don't want this to fuck things up between us. She is so incredibly forgiving about it, but I know it upsets her.
Satu, when you read this, know that I will make a better life for us and I will not live with this fear. I will make it ok and I haven't taken your patience for granted. I will do everything I can to make sure that you get the best me that there is and that better is ahead of us and yesterday is yesterday.
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