Things I want to do with my wife during this life time

As easy as it is to imagine our lives together as infinite, I know that it is important to experience as much of life as you can while you can. Anything good in this world can only be better when it is shared with someone you truly love. So here is a list of things I would like to experience with Satu that we have never done together.

1. Ride a roller coaster. I love roller coasters, they scare me in just the right way that I laugh the whole time.

2. See the Grand Canyon. I want to see all the world with Satu, but I have especially always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Something about that kind of nature is really calming. I love a forest, or a hike in the woods, but it is relaxing to be in a beautiful place where you can see farther too.

3. Any animal interaction at all. Goats, birds, turtles, whatever, I want to see them with her because I know she will know how to talk to them.

4. Try skiing, Even though snow sucks, I think it would be fun and give us a reason to warm up.

5. Stay in a tree house.

6. Take her to Japan for sushi, but not blowfish because I don't actually want to risk losing her.

7. Adopt more cats and dogs one day when we have a bigger bit of land. Satu wants chickens which I don't mind, but they don't hang out with you. I'd like to adopt more cats and dogs.

8. See Christmas lights in a different place every year.

9. Drive route 66 again maybe in a classic car.

10. See more art. We haven't even gone to the Cleveland museum. It would be a good place to start.

11. Make some videos with plenty of laughing, talking and just being our happiest selves. My life is so much happier than I could have ever imagined. I just want to keep spending as many days as I can with my wife, my best friend and my everything.

I know how sadness gets to the surface

Honey, I have seen you struggling with sadness as long as I have really known you. At first you would never know it's there because you are also so full of happiness at times too. You are curious, fiery and strong, but there has always been an undertow somewhere in there.
Times like tonight when the current runs along the surface, it doesn't ever surprise me, but I wish I could give you the gift of knowing what you really mean to the world. You are the kind of person who makes a place for everyone in your little store. The people who work for you and who see you work are hopefully learning by your example how to treat each other with kindness, how to take pride in a hard, physical, yet seemingly small job well done.
I often wonder if you haven't followed your passion all along, since you are a curious and proud person who looks for the right thing to do in any circumstance. Why is it that the wins never stay with you, but the losses churn over and over bobbing in the current?
Could you have been a professor or a more famous artist? Certainly, yes, but then you would still feel the fall tiptoeing into you just like it is now. You would feel isolated at times, but you do hide from the world. These rainy days make me feel hollow on the inside too. My old black dog is different from yours though. My sadness has always been about letting the chance to be really loved and seen slip away from me. All it takes to bring me peace is the light of your smile or the sound of your voice.
Your sadness is deeper in your heart. It is the loss of connection when it should be all around you. I am sure it moved in when you were a child and has just never left you because of the coldness and betrayal that taught you how to feel alone even when you are not. Even when people love and care for you, you worry that they don't know you or the connection isn't real. I can tell from watching people react to you that they feel drawn toward you and connected, even when you feel guarded and alone. Maybe your purpose is no more than to just be in the world and be you.
Complicated, smart, funny, loving, wonderful and sad you.
It's raining, Kevin is dying, your Mother is sad and selfish, winter is on the way and everything is still fine. The tide will go out and in tomorrow, the sun will rise and the dog will be between us. The sadness will ease and laughter will overshadow it some too.
Please don't let the undertow drag at you and make you question who you are and how you got here. Here is a good place to be, and it's a fine place to start from whatever you decide to do tomorrow.

Animal whisperer

We have a house that is always full of the sounds of purring, tail thumping and the very sloppy mouth sounds of animal cleaning rituals. My wife can talk to any kind of animal.Often they talk back.

We miss you Josie

Thursday, when we came home and let the dog out, he immediately started barking and digging at the corner of the yard near my work bench. He usually goes after anything in his territory and patrols for intruders every time we let him out, but this was different than his squirrel and chipmunk bark.
Satu snuck up on the corner while I carried my squirming, obsessed dog into the house. At first, we saw nothing, but then spotted a little patch of fur under the legs of the sawhoarse. Then a little pink nose appeared.
My sister hate opossums, so does my neighbor. In fact, these little coarse haired rats seem to be on a lot of people's no-go list, but not my sweet Disney princess. She dispatched me for cookies immediately.

We always try to feed the animals. We have fed sandwiches to raccoons, nuts to squirrels, turkey to hawks, and released a stunned mouse from the birdfood bin, but this was our first time feeding Jamaican biscuits and animal cookies to a possum. He of course played dead while my wife clicked and chatted at it. I think my favorite part was when she shone the flash light in my face to show the little guy what I looked like. Presumably, that was supposed to calm him down, as if I was not a giant, scary human thing and if he could see me, he might re-animate. 

We tossed him some cookies and he didn't react, then after a little more chirping and cooing, we backed away. Satu couldn't stay away though and went back for another peek. This time the little guy was forced to play dead with an animal cookie in his toothy little smile.

My wife seems to know and understand every person and animal she meets. She's endlessly curious and doesn't judge someone on whether they have a pink rat tail or a mat leaves stuck to their butt fur. She sees every potential interaction as an opportunity to cross boundaries and show the other species in the world that some humans are kind, curious, careful and willing to share their stale treats. 

I for one am very glad to live with her and share my stale treats with a woman who will imitate a raccoon and have long conversations with the cat. I like that she extends kindness to little animals that are scared and might have rabies or might be our new backyard neighbors living next to the woodpile. It's a pretty happy little den to be a part of. 

Free roaming dreamer

This quick post is just a note to tell you how cute you looked this morning in your deep sleep. It was too hot for me in the bedroom last night, so I slept in the front room that usually stays cooler. The dog goes where I go and smashed himself on my feet at the foot of the couch as soon as I was asleep and couldn't tell him no.
This morning when I came in to check on you, you were spread across the bed in a long question mark shape. You seemed more restful than I've seen you in months uncrowded by the dog and cat and wife. It made me laugh to think that you were probably dreaming about space.

For all time

I don't know how Satu knows things about me that I never even told her like a mantle clock is the coolest present I could get for our anniversary. As well as Satu knows me, I can't think of any reason that she would know that I wanted that kind of a clock. I don't recall ever remarking about how they make an old home like ours seem cozy or about how my grand dad had one that chimed and I always thought it was like a surprise song whenever it would chime. For me, there is only one right shape for a mantle clock, roughly the shape of the snake eating the elephant.

There are other shapes of course, but not for me, and some how Satu knew that. 

I imagine all the other things that I never mentioned that Satu knows. Given the following list of things I have never said, she would probably just say, "of course." there are no surprises here. 

If I said that my favorite book as a child was " The Little Engine that Could." she would just say,"Of course."

When grown ups asked me what I wanted to be, I'd always say a marine biologist because of Jaquees Custoe and my dad.

I was fascinated by barnicles

I thought martial arts was a viable career field.

I was so stressed out about my responsibility for keeping my sister safe that my compulsive behavior started there as a coping mechanism to keep my brain from worrying about everything that could happen to her.

I wanted pet lightning bugs sooooooo bad. 

The thing I was most ashamed of was accidentally making one of my classmates feel bad and being too embarrassed to apologize. 

Of course, I don't have that same kind of intuition about her , but here are some things I think I know. 

Satu's favorite book as a child is written in German and too sad to talk about. Ever again.

When Satu was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she always just said "Myself/ but a grown up me"

She was fascinated by everything. 

She thought "bad ass" was a viable career field, but if that didn't work, she could always fall back on  " brilliant."

She was so stressed out about her parents, that she just went on by herself and relied on no-one. 

She wanted pet everything, armadillos, raccoons, bats, beavers, hedgehogs, etc.

The thing she was most ashamed of was other people.

I never could have imagined that I would get to marry my best friend, who knows things about me that I have never even mentioned. She keeps me safe and protects me even when I don;t see that the world can be dangerous. She smooths down my worry and protects me from the world that could never see me the way that she does. And the clock now represents all of the happy moments we will spend together in the years to come.

Contradictions

My wife is surprising, curious and beyond a doubt she is her own person. Most people you can infer some things about them by knowing other traits, but not with Satu. She's impossible to predict. Here is a list of things I know about her that seem like they shouldn't exist in the same person. She is a little bit of everything.

Satu live tweets... she will not talk on a phone... ever... almost.

Early in out relationship, much stress was had over how badly we communicate on the phone. I need to see people's faces to understand what is going on, but Satu is verbal and can carry on two different conversations in two directions if she wants. She often will look at something on her phone and her laptop while watching tv. She will live tweet a scify show to strangers, but definitely won't talk on the phone, ever or answer the door, even for food or the police.

Satu is a catch, she knows that she's super hot and that she looks like a very fit 30 something. She's prettier than any woman I could imagine. She's nerdy-hot in a naughty, flirty way. Satu knows she's beautiful, but she also worries about the tiniest things. How can you think a few grey hairs matter when you have the perfect voice, the deepest, most mysterious eyes, the softest touch and a smile that makes you forget everything else in the world.

Satu is completely grounded. She suppresses excitement, sadness and all other emotions. Except when she laughs, she really does it. When she smiles at you, it's the only real thing in the world. When she sings, it makes me feel all of my feels and probably the neighbors feelings (hope they are having a good day.)

My wife is completely independent. At work she moves furniture that is twice her size and weight, but when it is time for me to bring her things, I will be doing that. I have a function, and that function is to make sure that she doesn't have to get her own popcicle.

Satu is the best person that i know, but she's also the best person that I know, the person that makes me feel most at home, the only one I feel at home with. She is the best person that I know. no buts, no exceptions. The only one for me.

I love getting to see my beautiful wife

I love to see my beautiful wife peacefully asleep. It's such a confusing thing to see a tiny tornado at rest. It makes me want to gently pat her sleeping cheek just to feel the warmth against my skin. Sometimes she will sigh which breaks my heart over and over. The love that is never contained and never stops growing fills my chest in waves while she just dreams her fitful dreams.

My new schedule means that I get to actually date my wife again. Though there is still too little precious time we can spend together, the hours we get contain more daylight. It's also remarkable to see this tiny little tornado of a woman express every kind of gentleness, kindness, playfulness and love when we are together. I think that one of the things I like so much about Satu is that she inhabits the world in a genuine way. She makes time to go outside with me to experience the magical light of a sunset. Still, after ten years together, my heart jumps when she looks me in the eyes.

Seeing Satu during the day means that I get to learn things about her too like how she restored the red color to the bowl of one of her pipes mixing in just the right amount of ash. She speaks fluent crow, which I knew, but she also speaks squirrl, deer and opossum, which is new information to me.

Lately we have been watching a very loooooooooong series of  British detective stories. The episodes are long and slow and meander over WW2 English towns and people at a very leisurely pace. I don't have the patience for it, but it's comforting in the way that shadows on the ceiling comfort you when you shouldn't be awake. It makes the home feel homey and gives us good reason to sit together.

Satu worries about getting older and seeing her lifetime stretch out into the past, but I think that we are in our best season yet. I feel loved in my home and happy with our lives together. That has always been my understanding of success because I grew up with people who weren't struggling to identify with their work or their names in the world. The world is just the stretching landscape where you make a very small, happy story. I know Satu sees it differently, she wants to be seen in the world for what she knows she does well, I just want to be seen by her.

I hope that as we roll into season 11 of our own long, meandering American lives she will be able to experience bringing her work into the world. I'd just as happily sit with her in the studio while she works if it means bringing more fullness to her world.