Where am I right now?

 We have been spending so much time apart lately. If I think about it, a lot of our relationship and connection has been built over distances. I always have felt connected to you because I know and trust that I am your one.

When something tickles me, I want to laugh at it with you. When someone makes you mad, I want to be mad at them with you. I've felt like yours for so many years now. I can't imagine giving my heart to anyone else. 

When I'm in the world without you, I feel like my best self only because you are with me in my heart. You are so much of who I am. 

I think you are with me because I am a mostly good person. I know I'm not good at keeping my mind focused, and I have a pretty narrow way of understanding the world through my own feelings. I do feel worthy of your heart. If I am careless sometimes, I am sorry. I am as gentle as I know how to be. You are hard to read in the moment, but you are easy to know. There is no sound that brings me more joy than your laugh. I know that there have been times I have failed you. It's never been a lapse of love. I can't even remember a time when I didn't love you with every one of my cells. I've never been bored by you or wanted to disconnect. I love you as constantly as I need air and I think it is as essential to my life. 

I'm also scared for my heart because I know that I am a choice for you and you are so essential to me. I am scared for you too; that you protect my heart at your expense because I can't be brave when it comes to you. I can't keep that fear inside my body because it leaks out of me. It is always there barely under the surface even on good days. The more I love, the more I fear letting you down, hurting you, showing you the worst parts of myself. I don't think I am capable of creating the distance from my feelings that you are, but you should know that my mind is still working in those moments. Inside I am still wanting to connect with what you feel and what you need. I hate the thought that your feelings go unspoken because I am so obvious with mine. 

I want to do the right things for you. I want to hold your hand when you are feeling lonely or small. I want to provide you the same comfort that you give me. I want to assure you that I can do those things for you even though I seem  too fragile. I'm not really fragile, I'm just unhidden. I would rather hear the worst truth than not know you how you really are inside. I love you so much Satu. You really are my sun, my moon and all my stars. As we change in this life together, you are still all of the light in my world.

It's all good.

 But can I pat you on the head? That's usually how I try to give comfort and show the love I feel.

I know it's hard to talk to me. I have never been able to keep a straight face under any circumstance. I want and need the honesty. I've felt you pulling away from me for a long time and I feel helpless to change it. 

I know that you don't take the same kind of reassurance from physical contact that I do. My fear is not that you don't want to touch me, it's that you don't feel love toward me like you used to. 

Have I been a disappointment to you? I know you feel self conscious about how I feel toward you. I'm not sure what reassurance I can offer you. What pats can I give you so that you feel as loved as you are. I think of being your wife as the most important part of my life. I know it's not supposed to define me, but it is how I think of myself. That's why I don't feel lonely when I'm away, I usually feel like we are still sharing experiences if not our physical space. 

If your love for me has changed, that will be very hard for me to process, but if it's your truth, you deserve to put yourself first, and I want to say that while you can't look at me. Whatever you need from me, I'll do anything I can to give it to you. 

I'll be here in any capacity that you want from me without hesitation or regret. I am completely open and I want to respect your needs and boundaries. My love for you has gotten stronger over our years and experiences, not changed or weakened. Physically I have changed a lot over our years. Age, hormones and brain chemistry, but the love I feel for you will not change. It's who I am now. 

I want you to be who you truly are too and to feel the happiness you deserve in life. If you do know what will get you closer to that happiness, please be specific and direct with me. I feel most comfortable in our home when you are happy, inspired and yourself.