Snowed In

 This is one of those weekends where I just want to capture our moment in time so that one day, on a whim, we can look back and remind ourselves what was going on when 2024 started. What were we doing and thinking about?

This weekend, Satu was going to meet my "Chicago Family" as she calls them. The Aikikai there is having their kagami baraki for 2024. I had planned to make them my second dojo and try to get there for big stuff. I really love working with their instructors. Marsha Turner is amazing. Qin's whole style appeals to me. I want my Aikido to look like hers one day, and Andrew might be my personality in man form.

Why am I back in love with this art? It's not important to the world, but it's important to me. It makes me feel like my own kind of warrior.

As a kid, I loved the structure of your garden variety strip mall karate. I love to try. I can try sooooo hard. I can do push ups. I can kick forever. I'll do that until I die, especially if it makes people proud of me.

As a Marine, I loved service. I needed my life to mean something to other people. I wanted to be between them and death. I had nothing to lose. 

Then, suddenly, I had something to lose. I didn't know someone would ever love me for the person I really am on the inside. It made me want to reconnect with my real beliefs. Who am I on the inside? I want to give her the best me.

Honestly, I'm not sure what Satu would think of my Chicago family, but I want these people to connect with my person so they can really know me. I think at this point, knowing me means knowing her.

I always feel like people only know half of me if they haven't met her. (Also, for 100% ego reasons, I want everyone to know that someone as smart and as cool as Satu picked me out of the whole universe because of what I'm really like.) She knows my real, soft self, the one that doesn't know what to say, or who's in that move, but can be 100% in a moment with her.

Then this happened:

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That's my dog in a snow storm. That's because I am home taking a picture, instead of driving my real family to meet my Chicago family.

Last week I thought that dog was living his last days. My heart was beating slow and I was detaching from myself . I can always handle anything as long as I make distance. I can flip a switch, but then the person in the dark is not really me. This is why I can have a warrior's job. Only my body is there. That's not me. It's just the engine, not the heart.

Here's the rest of the Fam this weekend.

Barnie is in the basement with me making sure I can't sit down.

Oscar. Probably my spirit animal. I would say lion, but this is what would come up on a spirit animal search engine.

Twain. (possibly communicating with Nicollette.) and judging us. Are there too many L's or T's?

Basie. Still not sure if this is an opossum, or the sweetest little purrr motor that ever showed up in Shaker Heights.

Satu and I will stay in with the fam this weekend. Honestly, better than the original plan.

That's my person. There's not a better sound than her laugh. She probably has the only smile that I would recognize anywhere. Instantly. I love you so much. I can't even look at this picture without feeling completely connected to you. 

One day, I hope we look at this post when we are old ladies in our PJs. I hope we can laugh and remember. I love you so much. 

Venn Diagram

I think one of the reasons Satu and I work so well is that our worlds overlap where it's important, but have enough life outside of each other to always have something to share at the end of the day. Every time I think I am drawing a map of Satu's world in my mind, she opens a wardrobe, and there is new territory.

I don't think my world has unknown territory anymore. I am not a mystery to her at all. My world is kind of flat and sunny compared to her forest, water, fog, mountain world of an internal life. I think it's because of the way our brains work. In my mind, the sun only shines on one thing at a time, while in hers, she can roam many places at once. I think it builds valleys and mountains, different depths of thought all going on at once. 

The new places for me are always opening somewhere in the merged areas where we cross each other's boundaries. I think that territory is undefined and still growing because we still find things to explore. One thing I want for this new year is to bring into our shared world more new experiences. I feel like we survived last year by helping each other through, but this year I want to do more than survive. Even simple things like sitting in our garden together or wandering a local park adds to our shared world. 

When Satu was out of town last weekend, I noticed a difference in the way I end my days. When I am alone and winding down for the night, I usually feel restless. I always look for some distraction from real time. I escape into television, projects or sleep. I often don't even pay attention to those things, I let the time wash over me. When we are together though, even quietly curled up on the couch scrolling the news or watching TV, I don't feel like I'm escaping from the world. I feel like I am more myself when she's there with me. I enjoy hearing the sound of her footsteps upstairs. 

My favorite time of the day is when we sit together for morning coffee. When she's not home, I don't sit down with my coffee, I usually just take it with me while I putter from room to room. There's no experience being had in those moments, just routine maintenance on my own, well mapped territory. Even my experiences that we don't share like Aikido classes, or time I spend with friends feels better to me when Satu and I spend enough time in our shared world. My mind works better and feels calmer when she's around. I have more energy during classes, I notice things more and think more clearly when we can wake up together and fall asleep together at night. 

I am looking forward to going to Chicago with her in a couple of weeks because we will get the drive there and the drive back to just relax around each other. We will be in a new place to explore mapping out new areas together.