Satu,
In this life, the best thing anyone gets out of it is happiness and purpose. Even people who build giant businesses and look successful to their parents aren't always happy with the work that they do and where it takes them. You deserve better than that. You deserve the joy that comes with feeling productive and appreciated.
You are a person with vision, you see things differently and because of the unique way that you learn and investigate, you mind is full of vision. You know things about things, but more than that, when you are inspired, you are brilliant. You are undeniably happy. When you are making a blue monster wreath or a string of pictures for us, don't you feel better to be expressing some unique inner vision? I know that you resist being too proud, but that book that you made me is really the most beautiful gift I have ever gotten and if there was one thing in my life that I would save in a fire (besides you, shitty wok and pantaloons) that would be it.
I don't know how it feels to be you when you allow yourself the freedom to imagine those things and then plan them and do it. I know that sometimes the precision work is not as fun as the idea, but I imagine that you feel like I do when I get into my brain about some new invention or plan. I feel inspired and purposeful.
Fuck what your mom thinks. You deserve to be happy. Fuck what the world thinks. You deserve to feel like the beautiful person you are. Fuck what the unwashed masses think. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!!! I am your people and you are your people. You can choose to weed out the things that do not matter to you, including the assholes who keep putting you down because you have the audacity to walk tall and to keep your chin up even though you are a woman. Seriously. FUCK THEM! You know that is what is going on. You are not in the right place because you can no longer find a way to take pride in the work that you do there. It is not the place, it is not the mission there or the lack of mission, it is that dealing with those people that you do not choose erodes the joy that you naturally have in your heart.
You should know that all of those people are probably good at times too. They love to see surprise bunnies and teach their kids to ride bikes, but spending life without meaningful work or hope shackles the soul. Their dark clouds rain on you every day. Leave that place for the sun.
I don't care if it is hard on our finances. Poor people who have hope and vision are happier than rich ones who don't really feel a part of anything. We have both lived on less before and been perfectly happy. If you don't know what's next, that's fine too. Just keep walking toward the sun and away from what makes you doubt yourself and crushes your tender soul. Any step in that direction is the right step. If we fail, we will fail together, but we probably won't fail. In fact any life that you can feel happy about, any days that you can spend pursuing something meaningful, talking about things that you think are important is not a failure. That is a successful life. Let's live one of those.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
People let you down
People disappoint you. That is part of being the best person that you know how to be. Satu was raised by people who were always nice to strangers and who believed in diamonds in the rough. Her people were only ever mean to her or eachother, never ones to judge strangers and always quick to point out a stereotype.
My people sometimes let stereotypes go or silently agreed with some really fucked up stuff, but at their core there was always some common thread between us and the rest of the world. That gave us the security to call a black person an ass hole without feeling like it was a race thing. Maybe it is just an ass hole thing. We called white ass holes what they were without feeling like we were in some kind of group with them just because we shared a skin tone.
Maybe that is the difference between growing up lower or middle class. You know that a fancy shirt doesn't make you smart or nice and a hand me down dress doesn't either. You are what you are and you should be treated accordingly.
When I was growing up, I had lots of jobs in food service or retail. I remember trying to run the register at a health food store on my first day there and being dressed down in public by a lady with nose cancer because I didn't know what hippy dippy herb she was looking for. I still feel about an inch tall when I think about how paralyzed I felt and how all of the words backed up in my brain somewhere behind my hot, ringing heartbeat.
Satu is experiencing the same thing now, which she shouldn't be at this point in her life because she doesn't have to, Somehow instead of feeling more stable and established, she has started to doubt herself, so when people treat her like shit, the wall is a little lower than it was before.
Bad people treat you like shit, especially if you aren't. It makes them feel even stronger to take on someone who looks like Satu. She seems like a tank, wears an air of confidence and when she shows you kindness, sometimes you know it is just because she is a genuinely good and kind person.
Shitty people get under there and destroy from within. I wish that Satu could spend a second seeing herself the way that most people see her. She would understand why people who are disillusion and
angry will never trust her. They don't trust anyone, never had someone be kind for no reason and don't know how to treat strangers as if they have the same tender fragile souls that we all have somewhere.
I hope that as our lives go on Satu finds more people who will love her as much as I do. I want her to feel surrounded by people who realize how special she is. I want everyone to laugh when she surprises them of feel their hearts break when she looks them in the eyes. It is the way people should connect.
I wish that I could keep her away from ass holes, but I think that one of the things I like best about Satu is that she will never assume that the next person will be as bad as they are, and the constant let down surprises her.
All of us deserve better than that. Being a person is hard enough without all of the other people that are trying to do it breaking you down.
My people sometimes let stereotypes go or silently agreed with some really fucked up stuff, but at their core there was always some common thread between us and the rest of the world. That gave us the security to call a black person an ass hole without feeling like it was a race thing. Maybe it is just an ass hole thing. We called white ass holes what they were without feeling like we were in some kind of group with them just because we shared a skin tone.
Maybe that is the difference between growing up lower or middle class. You know that a fancy shirt doesn't make you smart or nice and a hand me down dress doesn't either. You are what you are and you should be treated accordingly.
When I was growing up, I had lots of jobs in food service or retail. I remember trying to run the register at a health food store on my first day there and being dressed down in public by a lady with nose cancer because I didn't know what hippy dippy herb she was looking for. I still feel about an inch tall when I think about how paralyzed I felt and how all of the words backed up in my brain somewhere behind my hot, ringing heartbeat.
Satu is experiencing the same thing now, which she shouldn't be at this point in her life because she doesn't have to, Somehow instead of feeling more stable and established, she has started to doubt herself, so when people treat her like shit, the wall is a little lower than it was before.
Bad people treat you like shit, especially if you aren't. It makes them feel even stronger to take on someone who looks like Satu. She seems like a tank, wears an air of confidence and when she shows you kindness, sometimes you know it is just because she is a genuinely good and kind person.
Shitty people get under there and destroy from within. I wish that Satu could spend a second seeing herself the way that most people see her. She would understand why people who are disillusion and
angry will never trust her. They don't trust anyone, never had someone be kind for no reason and don't know how to treat strangers as if they have the same tender fragile souls that we all have somewhere.
I hope that as our lives go on Satu finds more people who will love her as much as I do. I want her to feel surrounded by people who realize how special she is. I want everyone to laugh when she surprises them of feel their hearts break when she looks them in the eyes. It is the way people should connect.
I wish that I could keep her away from ass holes, but I think that one of the things I like best about Satu is that she will never assume that the next person will be as bad as they are, and the constant let down surprises her.
All of us deserve better than that. Being a person is hard enough without all of the other people that are trying to do it breaking you down.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
The expert in things
When Satu gets interested in something, she studies it and learns it like it was her life's work. It is a constant exercise for her. She is an expert in many things because if she is going to do a thing, she will not do it half way.
Since I have been with her, I have seen her become an expert in plane crashes. She knows what went wrong in many crashes and is interested enough to follow up after the investigation is not in the news.
Satu is an expert in cigars and restored her own humidor which she populates with collections that interest her for various reasons. Usually she will find a theme and go with it.
Satu is an expert in cats. She speaks fluent cat and patiently studied our new cat and taught the scruffy stray how to play, chase and stalk her without viciously attacking like many cats do.
She is an expert in prop furniture for two different television shows and will carefully hunt down and catalog everything in the background from tables to books to drinkware.
My beautiful wife is now becoming an expert in pipes. She doesn't want to smoke, but she has her father's old pipe and wants to restore it. I think there must be something about this object that makes her feel connected to the owner.
I think with the other pursuits there is something about learning about little sub-groups by finding one little niche to explore. It is a doorway to becoming a part of more and developing a bigger life.
Since we have been together, Satu has become an expert in me. It is one of the reasons that I know without a doubt that she loves me. She knows my body language when I don't realize my body is talking and she knows exactly the right weight to put into a caress or a hug. I am flattered that she can imitate me or speak my mind even when I don't think she could possibly know what I am thinking.
Satu will probably find a new interest to learn next week or next month, but she will always know me better than any other person could.
Since I have been with her, I have seen her become an expert in plane crashes. She knows what went wrong in many crashes and is interested enough to follow up after the investigation is not in the news.
Satu is an expert in cigars and restored her own humidor which she populates with collections that interest her for various reasons. Usually she will find a theme and go with it.
Satu is an expert in cats. She speaks fluent cat and patiently studied our new cat and taught the scruffy stray how to play, chase and stalk her without viciously attacking like many cats do.
She is an expert in prop furniture for two different television shows and will carefully hunt down and catalog everything in the background from tables to books to drinkware.
My beautiful wife is now becoming an expert in pipes. She doesn't want to smoke, but she has her father's old pipe and wants to restore it. I think there must be something about this object that makes her feel connected to the owner.
I think with the other pursuits there is something about learning about little sub-groups by finding one little niche to explore. It is a doorway to becoming a part of more and developing a bigger life.
Since we have been together, Satu has become an expert in me. It is one of the reasons that I know without a doubt that she loves me. She knows my body language when I don't realize my body is talking and she knows exactly the right weight to put into a caress or a hug. I am flattered that she can imitate me or speak my mind even when I don't think she could possibly know what I am thinking.
Satu will probably find a new interest to learn next week or next month, but she will always know me better than any other person could.
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