This quick post is just a note to tell you how cute you looked this morning in your deep sleep. It was too hot for me in the bedroom last night, so I slept in the front room that usually stays cooler. The dog goes where I go and smashed himself on my feet at the foot of the couch as soon as I was asleep and couldn't tell him no.
This morning when I came in to check on you, you were spread across the bed in a long question mark shape. You seemed more restful than I've seen you in months uncrowded by the dog and cat and wife. It made me laugh to think that you were probably dreaming about space.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Monday, August 27, 2018
For all time
I don't know how Satu knows things about me that I never even told her like a mantle clock is the coolest present I could get for our anniversary. As well as Satu knows me, I can't think of any reason that she would know that I wanted that kind of a clock. I don't recall ever remarking about how they make an old home like ours seem cozy or about how my grand dad had one that chimed and I always thought it was like a surprise song whenever it would chime. For me, there is only one right shape for a mantle clock, roughly the shape of the snake eating the elephant.
There are other shapes of course, but not for me, and some how Satu knew that.
I imagine all the other things that I never mentioned that Satu knows. Given the following list of things I have never said, she would probably just say, "of course." there are no surprises here.
If I said that my favorite book as a child was " The Little Engine that Could." she would just say,"Of course."
When grown ups asked me what I wanted to be, I'd always say a marine biologist because of Jaquees Custoe and my dad.
I was fascinated by barnicles
I thought martial arts was a viable career field.
I was so stressed out about my responsibility for keeping my sister safe that my compulsive behavior started there as a coping mechanism to keep my brain from worrying about everything that could happen to her.
I wanted pet lightning bugs sooooooo bad.
The thing I was most ashamed of was accidentally making one of my classmates feel bad and being too embarrassed to apologize.
Of course, I don't have that same kind of intuition about her , but here are some things I think I know.
Satu's favorite book as a child is written in German and too sad to talk about. Ever again.
When Satu was asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, she always just said "Myself/ but a grown up me"
She was fascinated by everything.
She thought "bad ass" was a viable career field, but if that didn't work, she could always fall back on " brilliant."
She was so stressed out about her parents, that she just went on by herself and relied on no-one.
She wanted pet everything, armadillos, raccoons, bats, beavers, hedgehogs, etc.
The thing she was most ashamed of was other people.
I never could have imagined that I would get to marry my best friend, who knows things about me that I have never even mentioned. She keeps me safe and protects me even when I don;t see that the world can be dangerous. She smooths down my worry and protects me from the world that could never see me the way that she does. And the clock now represents all of the happy moments we will spend together in the years to come.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Contradictions
My wife is surprising, curious and beyond a doubt she is her own person. Most people you can infer some things about them by knowing other traits, but not with Satu. She's impossible to predict. Here is a list of things I know about her that seem like they shouldn't exist in the same person. She is a little bit of everything.
Satu live tweets... she will not talk on a phone... ever... almost.
Early in out relationship, much stress was had over how badly we communicate on the phone. I need to see people's faces to understand what is going on, but Satu is verbal and can carry on two different conversations in two directions if she wants. She often will look at something on her phone and her laptop while watching tv. She will live tweet a scify show to strangers, but definitely won't talk on the phone, ever or answer the door, even for food or the police.
Satu is a catch, she knows that she's super hot and that she looks like a very fit 30 something. She's prettier than any woman I could imagine. She's nerdy-hot in a naughty, flirty way. Satu knows she's beautiful, but she also worries about the tiniest things. How can you think a few grey hairs matter when you have the perfect voice, the deepest, most mysterious eyes, the softest touch and a smile that makes you forget everything else in the world.
Satu is completely grounded. She suppresses excitement, sadness and all other emotions. Except when she laughs, she really does it. When she smiles at you, it's the only real thing in the world. When she sings, it makes me feel all of my feels and probably the neighbors feelings (hope they are having a good day.)
My wife is completely independent. At work she moves furniture that is twice her size and weight, but when it is time for me to bring her things, I will be doing that. I have a function, and that function is to make sure that she doesn't have to get her own popcicle.
Satu is the best person that i know, but she's also the best person that I know, the person that makes me feel most at home, the only one I feel at home with. She is the best person that I know. no buts, no exceptions. The only one for me.
Satu live tweets... she will not talk on a phone... ever... almost.
Early in out relationship, much stress was had over how badly we communicate on the phone. I need to see people's faces to understand what is going on, but Satu is verbal and can carry on two different conversations in two directions if she wants. She often will look at something on her phone and her laptop while watching tv. She will live tweet a scify show to strangers, but definitely won't talk on the phone, ever or answer the door, even for food or the police.
Satu is a catch, she knows that she's super hot and that she looks like a very fit 30 something. She's prettier than any woman I could imagine. She's nerdy-hot in a naughty, flirty way. Satu knows she's beautiful, but she also worries about the tiniest things. How can you think a few grey hairs matter when you have the perfect voice, the deepest, most mysterious eyes, the softest touch and a smile that makes you forget everything else in the world.
Satu is completely grounded. She suppresses excitement, sadness and all other emotions. Except when she laughs, she really does it. When she smiles at you, it's the only real thing in the world. When she sings, it makes me feel all of my feels and probably the neighbors feelings (hope they are having a good day.)
My wife is completely independent. At work she moves furniture that is twice her size and weight, but when it is time for me to bring her things, I will be doing that. I have a function, and that function is to make sure that she doesn't have to get her own popcicle.
Satu is the best person that i know, but she's also the best person that I know, the person that makes me feel most at home, the only one I feel at home with. She is the best person that I know. no buts, no exceptions. The only one for me.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
I love getting to see my beautiful wife
I love to see my beautiful wife peacefully asleep. It's such a confusing thing to see a tiny tornado at rest. It makes me want to gently pat her sleeping cheek just to feel the warmth against my skin. Sometimes she will sigh which breaks my heart over and over. The love that is never contained and never stops growing fills my chest in waves while she just dreams her fitful dreams.
My new schedule means that I get to actually date my wife again. Though there is still too little precious time we can spend together, the hours we get contain more daylight. It's also remarkable to see this tiny little tornado of a woman express every kind of gentleness, kindness, playfulness and love when we are together. I think that one of the things I like so much about Satu is that she inhabits the world in a genuine way. She makes time to go outside with me to experience the magical light of a sunset. Still, after ten years together, my heart jumps when she looks me in the eyes.
Seeing Satu during the day means that I get to learn things about her too like how she restored the red color to the bowl of one of her pipes mixing in just the right amount of ash. She speaks fluent crow, which I knew, but she also speaks squirrl, deer and opossum, which is new information to me.
Lately we have been watching a very loooooooooong series of British detective stories. The episodes are long and slow and meander over WW2 English towns and people at a very leisurely pace. I don't have the patience for it, but it's comforting in the way that shadows on the ceiling comfort you when you shouldn't be awake. It makes the home feel homey and gives us good reason to sit together.
Satu worries about getting older and seeing her lifetime stretch out into the past, but I think that we are in our best season yet. I feel loved in my home and happy with our lives together. That has always been my understanding of success because I grew up with people who weren't struggling to identify with their work or their names in the world. The world is just the stretching landscape where you make a very small, happy story. I know Satu sees it differently, she wants to be seen in the world for what she knows she does well, I just want to be seen by her.
I hope that as we roll into season 11 of our own long, meandering American lives she will be able to experience bringing her work into the world. I'd just as happily sit with her in the studio while she works if it means bringing more fullness to her world.
My new schedule means that I get to actually date my wife again. Though there is still too little precious time we can spend together, the hours we get contain more daylight. It's also remarkable to see this tiny little tornado of a woman express every kind of gentleness, kindness, playfulness and love when we are together. I think that one of the things I like so much about Satu is that she inhabits the world in a genuine way. She makes time to go outside with me to experience the magical light of a sunset. Still, after ten years together, my heart jumps when she looks me in the eyes.
Seeing Satu during the day means that I get to learn things about her too like how she restored the red color to the bowl of one of her pipes mixing in just the right amount of ash. She speaks fluent crow, which I knew, but she also speaks squirrl, deer and opossum, which is new information to me.
Lately we have been watching a very loooooooooong series of British detective stories. The episodes are long and slow and meander over WW2 English towns and people at a very leisurely pace. I don't have the patience for it, but it's comforting in the way that shadows on the ceiling comfort you when you shouldn't be awake. It makes the home feel homey and gives us good reason to sit together.
Satu worries about getting older and seeing her lifetime stretch out into the past, but I think that we are in our best season yet. I feel loved in my home and happy with our lives together. That has always been my understanding of success because I grew up with people who weren't struggling to identify with their work or their names in the world. The world is just the stretching landscape where you make a very small, happy story. I know Satu sees it differently, she wants to be seen in the world for what she knows she does well, I just want to be seen by her.
I hope that as we roll into season 11 of our own long, meandering American lives she will be able to experience bringing her work into the world. I'd just as happily sit with her in the studio while she works if it means bringing more fullness to her world.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
He's not boss, your're boss
I'm not sure where Satu learned to work, but she does not do half-hearted, ever. She does honest, genuine, compassionate and dedicated and she does it at 100%. I'm not sure why this man has chosen to square off with her. Maybe it's because he has a micro-penis, maybe he grew up thinking that it gave him a more important place in the world. It doesn't. That guy has nothing on her. He's just a lazy, entitled dick that can't be challenged. He's talked himself into a cozy role there where he doesn't have to do anything and he's trying to defend it. It doesn't make him boss, it doesn't make him anything.
Here are some of the reasons that I know Satu is a good leader, role model and coach.
1.She has integrity. She doesn't stray from the right thing because it's easier. Managers do things right, leaders do the right things.
2. She knows you because she knows everyone. No one gets people like Satu. That's why I know this guy is seriously off. You know how if your nice dog doesn't like one person, that person is probably a child molester or just stole food stamps from the elderly? Satu's the nice dog if he was woke and didn't believe anyone's shit. She sees all your bull shit and blemishes and likes you anyway because you get to be human. You don't get to be Mel though. He's not welcome.
3. She keeps trying. Satu can go to work sad, come home sad and still made someone else's day better by saying the right thing, or just looking at you like you matter. She keeps the crushingness on the inside and offers the right words, a shoulder when you need it and inspiration when you feel low. Then she never asks for it in return.
4. She's brave. No one wants to have the hard talks, be the bad guy or take one for the team, so she always does it so you don't have to.
5. She doesn't turn off. She doesn't let the day end. It just rolls into the next day and she keeps doing the right thing.
6. She won't let someone snowball her. Satu has a well tuned bullshit detector and knows when you lie to her. She may let you do it, but she knows you threw the thing away, just admit it.
7. She's not wrong. Just because some ass hole doesn't like having a boss, doesn't make you bad at it. It makes you all the more necessary.
Keep doing it. Keep being honest, kind, brave and real. People take time, but the good ones want to be there for that, and the bad ones can go fuck themselves. He's not boss. Satu's boss.
Here are some of the reasons that I know Satu is a good leader, role model and coach.
1.She has integrity. She doesn't stray from the right thing because it's easier. Managers do things right, leaders do the right things.
2. She knows you because she knows everyone. No one gets people like Satu. That's why I know this guy is seriously off. You know how if your nice dog doesn't like one person, that person is probably a child molester or just stole food stamps from the elderly? Satu's the nice dog if he was woke and didn't believe anyone's shit. She sees all your bull shit and blemishes and likes you anyway because you get to be human. You don't get to be Mel though. He's not welcome.
3. She keeps trying. Satu can go to work sad, come home sad and still made someone else's day better by saying the right thing, or just looking at you like you matter. She keeps the crushingness on the inside and offers the right words, a shoulder when you need it and inspiration when you feel low. Then she never asks for it in return.
4. She's brave. No one wants to have the hard talks, be the bad guy or take one for the team, so she always does it so you don't have to.
5. She doesn't turn off. She doesn't let the day end. It just rolls into the next day and she keeps doing the right thing.
6. She won't let someone snowball her. Satu has a well tuned bullshit detector and knows when you lie to her. She may let you do it, but she knows you threw the thing away, just admit it.
7. She's not wrong. Just because some ass hole doesn't like having a boss, doesn't make you bad at it. It makes you all the more necessary.
Keep doing it. Keep being honest, kind, brave and real. People take time, but the good ones want to be there for that, and the bad ones can go fuck themselves. He's not boss. Satu's boss.
Monday, May 14, 2018
How Satu handles stress and uncertainty
I often say that you can tell when Satu is upset because nothing about her changes, not a raised eyebrow or a sigh. There is definitely stress though. This month Satu got a promotion and is now the Manager of her store. I quit my job with out really having a plan and won't start work again until next week. We have basically been trying to keep eachother calm and distracted the whole month.
Satu is a champion. Even though it must have been scary for her, she encouraged me to quit because she doesn't think I should have to apologize for having opinions or doing what is right as a leader. She was fiery about that, which is to say that she talked sternly in her regular voice and displayed no other notable change in demeanor.
Here are some other Satu only reactions to the outside world:
If she disagrees or thinks she might disagree, she will either say "Huh." with a slight upward inflection or just a maybe and then change the subject.
When Satu is really upset, she usually just walks into the bathroom or bedroom and will not be seen until after she has put the heavy iron lid on that.
When Satu is delighted, she may just chuckle quietly, she may swallow that laughter letting out only a tiny, barely perceptible smile, or lately, she has been expressing it by playing cheesy 80's music.
If she feels lonely, she will watch a dreary British mystery and send me a text just to say "hi baby." I check my phone all the time for a little hello, and whenever I get one, even after 10 years, it makes my heart jump.
When Satu, is cold or hungry, well... she's always cold, but when she's hungry, she just forgets where she put things. She doesn't get cranky like most people. She just soldiers on and handles things.
Satu has a full, deep and varied emotional life, but she's private about it. It's not anyone's business anyway.
The one thing Satu is never secretive about is how much she loves me. Over the years, she has learned to stop and hug me and pat me and remind me that she loves me so that I never have to guess. I love her openly, and she loves me back with her arms open, a smile on her face and with every word that she speaks to me.
Satu is a champion. Even though it must have been scary for her, she encouraged me to quit because she doesn't think I should have to apologize for having opinions or doing what is right as a leader. She was fiery about that, which is to say that she talked sternly in her regular voice and displayed no other notable change in demeanor.
Here are some other Satu only reactions to the outside world:
If she disagrees or thinks she might disagree, she will either say "Huh." with a slight upward inflection or just a maybe and then change the subject.
When Satu is really upset, she usually just walks into the bathroom or bedroom and will not be seen until after she has put the heavy iron lid on that.
When Satu is delighted, she may just chuckle quietly, she may swallow that laughter letting out only a tiny, barely perceptible smile, or lately, she has been expressing it by playing cheesy 80's music.
If she feels lonely, she will watch a dreary British mystery and send me a text just to say "hi baby." I check my phone all the time for a little hello, and whenever I get one, even after 10 years, it makes my heart jump.
When Satu, is cold or hungry, well... she's always cold, but when she's hungry, she just forgets where she put things. She doesn't get cranky like most people. She just soldiers on and handles things.
Satu has a full, deep and varied emotional life, but she's private about it. It's not anyone's business anyway.
The one thing Satu is never secretive about is how much she loves me. Over the years, she has learned to stop and hug me and pat me and remind me that she loves me so that I never have to guess. I love her openly, and she loves me back with her arms open, a smile on her face and with every word that she speaks to me.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Disaster preparedness
Perhaps the reason that Satu watches ships sinking and planes crashing is that she is attracted to disaster. I am sure that is what keeps her with me. Everything I do is not quiiiiite right, not always wrong, but let's just say that any plan I ever make is open ended.
I break many of the things that we live with, jars full of q-tips, gone. Wine glasses, off the corner of the table, even the Christmas tree isn't safe, so it's not really a surprise that the get away weekend I planed for us last week didn't go the way we thought it would. We packed up our food and headed to the country to check into our cabin and make some dinner. Unfortunately the cabin was just a bedroom attached to a bathroom. It was more like a guest house without a kitchen. It was however, super warm inside which was great because I had told Satu that she wouldn't need heavy sweaters or coats since it was supposed to be in the 50s that weekend. When it started to snow, we curled up in bed with some cheese and crackers allowing the meatballs to be a casualty of my minus touch.
Sometimes being a disaster has some bright spots though because my beautiful wife is usually game enough to roll with the changing, unfolding, sinking or burning plan in real time. Because I had already failed several times that day, I took two of my "don't freak out pills" before bed. The last thing you need on a get away weekend is your wife having a panic attack and keeping you up all night. Just before I fell asleep, I saw a shadowy creature zoom across the table. Satu spent the rest of the night coaxing the mouse out so she could get a video or twelve of the cute little critter. It was not a restful night for Satu, but at least it was squeeky's fault, not mine.
The next day after making 2 pots of coffee in the tiniest coffee maker ever, we did go out and brave the cold to see some of the nearby reserves. Eventually we feeling to our hands and feet so we didn't know how cold we were. It was actually very fun for me. We kept a brisk pace on the hike because we wanted to see stuff, but didn't want to be outside for long, so we just tried to hike fast and see everything as quickly as possible.
One of the reasons that I know Satu really, really loves me is that she coaxes expressions out of me when she wants to take a picture. Not only do I never recognize anyone else's face (I can't tell Bil Murray from the Dos Equis guy), I never know what my face is doing. From people's feedback, I think I usually look like a total bitch, but then sometimes I look overly hopeful like maybe I'm about to be praised or get told that I did a good job breathing just then. When Satu wants to take a picture, she gets me to look at her which makes the hearts spring out of my eyes and relaxes my face. (you can tell it;s relaxed because I have 40% less wrinkles on my forehead.
Sometimes being a disaster has some bright spots though because my beautiful wife is usually game enough to roll with the changing, unfolding, sinking or burning plan in real time. Because I had already failed several times that day, I took two of my "don't freak out pills" before bed. The last thing you need on a get away weekend is your wife having a panic attack and keeping you up all night. Just before I fell asleep, I saw a shadowy creature zoom across the table. Satu spent the rest of the night coaxing the mouse out so she could get a video or twelve of the cute little critter. It was not a restful night for Satu, but at least it was squeeky's fault, not mine.
The next day after making 2 pots of coffee in the tiniest coffee maker ever, we did go out and brave the cold to see some of the nearby reserves. Eventually we feeling to our hands and feet so we didn't know how cold we were. It was actually very fun for me. We kept a brisk pace on the hike because we wanted to see stuff, but didn't want to be outside for long, so we just tried to hike fast and see everything as quickly as possible.
One of the reasons that I know Satu really, really loves me is that she coaxes expressions out of me when she wants to take a picture. Not only do I never recognize anyone else's face (I can't tell Bil Murray from the Dos Equis guy), I never know what my face is doing. From people's feedback, I think I usually look like a total bitch, but then sometimes I look overly hopeful like maybe I'm about to be praised or get told that I did a good job breathing just then. When Satu wants to take a picture, she gets me to look at her which makes the hearts spring out of my eyes and relaxes my face. (you can tell it;s relaxed because I have 40% less wrinkles on my forehead.
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| Worried look: Please love me. See I have a dog and giant, lovable thighs. |
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| Look, I'm smiling with 40% less old lady what the fuck over my eyes. Look. Look who loves me.That one. The pretty lady with the best smile in the world. She picked me, and she's taking a picture, and this sweater has a heart that she sewed inside it just for me... because she loves me. Fuck all yall, I've got the best wife ever.
Satu was a great sport about the whole weekend, even though the getaway wasn't wine-country luxury, it was really fun. I sometimes just want to be somewhere new to have new experiences with her. I want to have new mice and coffee pots in our lives sometimes. Yes, next time I will try to spring for a place with a kitchen, or a little more privacy, but if I happen to book us in a place with one room and a display of clown sculptures instead, there is no one in the world who could make that seem like heaven except Satu.
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