Things in our lives

Satu is a person who knows about things. She has an eye for detail and cares about all of the objects that she interacts with. When we started dating, the only things I had that I felt were related to my character were the books that I haphazardly collected and dispatched as I went through my life. I was populating my world with new things, bedspreads, couch, bar and such and I liked living with those things, but I probably would have liked any of a number of furnishings.

I like Satu's things, because they are part of the mystery of her mind and personality. For example, her things include rare bits from all over the world, yet she loves a little cedar box with horses painted against a dramatic sky seemingly as much as she likes the 15th century wooden Buddha with the snorkel on his head. Maybe not the same way, but with equal passion.

This week I have discovered that Satu has many, many stickers. She keeps them somewhere secret and seems to have one for any occasion. It is not a collection or anything, she is just a person who has stickers. The right ones at the right time. She also has the right dice for any game, the right color pen for any creation and the right other obscure thing that I don't yet know that I need.

Satu is not stingy with things, in fact, it seems like things in this home were probably out there in the world waiting to become a part of the family, and Satu knows where they belong. She put a fine leather wallet in my hand and when I liked it, she gave it to me immediately. She gave my mother a book that I am sure turned out to be one of her most prized possessions. It was as if she had known that she would come across the perfect home for it some time in her life and she knew when to let it go.

Because one of the things that we both like is lists, here is a list of things that I like and things that Satu likes and things that we both seem to like.

Things I like:

Wood that smells like wood in any capacity. I like wood to be brown and though I appreciate things that are smooth, when I think about wood as a material, I like it to be a little rough and rugged.

Anything soft and fleecy, especially if it is not a yucky color

Mechanical things like rulers and pulleys and articulating lights. I like complicated mechanical things that have lots of interacting parts especially if you can watch all the bits move.

Candles.  The small, controlled fire is really calming for me. I like candles that smell good and that cast shadows.

My dresser, because Satu got it for me and because I like the pretty blue color and the pattern of all the little shell pieces making up a smooth surface.

Things that Satu likes:

Anything clever, where a classic design is re-imagined yet somehow becomes simpler and better.

Things that are more thoughtful than they seem, like the silverware she chose with a really simple design and good weight.

Tools and other objects with good opening and closing action. I am not sure, but I imagine that nothing would irritate Satu like a trash can where the lid almost, but doesn't quite line up with the can. Fortunately, because she chose ours, we have a trash can that closes smoothly and quietly with a satisfying, understated click.

Earthy or animal like things like leather wrapping and cow skulls and smooth rocks.

Her father's old washer and dryer because they are his and because they are well made and reliable.

Things that we both like

Maps. They are so full of possibility and detail. In a map, the world looks perfect and knowable.

Bugs, frogs, lizards and all furry creatures. One of the things I like most about Satu is how curious she is about the world and how she is perfectly willing to live in it with other animals. Our interactions with animals are always worth sharing with each other because we both appreciate those chance encounters with other souls.

Brand new, sharp crayons and colored pencils.

Small secret things like the little metal pill with the hidden message in it that she gave me or the faceted hearts that make up her necklace that you may not know are hearts if you don't pay attention.


Satu does not carelessly select things that share her life, and that knowledge makes me feel really special and unique. She could have her choice of many women, yet she chose to make a life with me. I am so happy to have a home with her full of secret hiding places for stickers and marbles and cardboard battleships. I feel as if she selected me and always knew just where my heart belongs.

What it's like coming home to Satu

Satu is so small that she sinks down into the bed and gets lost in the wrinkles and shadows of the comforter. Every night I get the pleasure of discovering her like a buried treasure. If she is asleep, I can locate her from the waves of heat coming off of her body. Usually, in the winter, there will also be an animal or two curled up next to her for warmth. 

If I wake her like I have done tonight, she is fussy. She will stumble to the bathroom following the weight of her head as if it is a wrecking ball pulling the rest of her body behind it, bumping into walls and changing course. Though she may fuss a bit, she is surprisingly good-natured about being awakened and we often have our best laughs in the middle of the night. Smoove Jams!

Sometimes it feels like I have spent all day translating the foreign language of other people to finally come home and hear someone speak in my native tongue. I love the way she calls me baby or honey or any of the other little names that I have to her. 

When I come home and have to stay up for a bit, I like to come in and kiss her on her cheek or forehead while she sleeps. I like it so much that I often make a few trips in the bedroom to do it a couple of times. It is kind of thrilling like kissing a small wild animal while it sleeps. She usually makes some noises. She may think she is talking, I am not sure. It sounds like she is talking with her mouth closed. 

When I finally get to snuggle in with her, I like the feel of her heat and the soft rhythm of her breathing. I love the smell of her and just the relief that I feel being next to her and feeling safe. There is no doubt to me that I fit best in the world, where ever Satu is.

50 pounds of power in a 5 pound package

Satu is at once the smallest and the mightiest person that I have ever met. Not only does she have the heart of a lion, she can also act as brave, as bold and as protective as a lion.

Satu is so small that I sometimes lose her in the bed. The other night I came in an patted the sheets lovingly and said " I love...you're not here are you?" Then I heard her flush and wobble back to bed in that way she does when she's tired. She kind of lets her head pull her forward and it often takes her on a turn to the right before she catches her balance. Then she puts her chin down and her hands out and pin balls her way to bed bouncing off walls and furniture until she lands in bed. 

I have never been with someone smaller than me before,which seems strange because I am a giant woman with great big square hands and clown feet. Or, maybe I am a normal sized woman with some muscles, but whatever. It is hard to know. 

Satu is, without question, the most bold, brave, powerful woman I have ever known. She will tell you that she is not because she is humble, but just because she isn't forceful doesn't mean that she's not powerful. Satu acts. She does not dither. She does not shake or second guess. She does not play the fool or defer. She knows when she is right and does not apologize for it. She does not, as they say, take any guff. 

It is strange to me that so much power can come in such a small package, but I think that her size kind of gives her an advantage. You never see it coming until she fixes her sharp, clear eyes on you. I don't think anyone can look in those eyes and still think straight. She stops my heart in my chest when I catch her eyes. 

Satu is the kind of person that people remember years later because they had a chance encounter and she said the right thing because she could tell how they felt. She doesn't even know she has the effect that she does. If you ask her, she will tell you that she is nothing special, but she will look at you with those beautiful eyes and it will put the whole world on pause. Her voice is so rich and comforting and her touch has the perfect weight. 

Satu is the most beautiful, most powerful and most comforting woman I have ever met. And all that in a body so small that she gets lost in the bed. 

Smooth Jams

We are now at the point in our lives where I think we are actually considered people's "older friends." We hope that we are the cool older friends, but it is hard to know. There have been a few late nights in the ten minutes before we fall asleep in each others arms when we just laugh uncontrollably at the distance between us and the world around us.

One of my much younger lesbian friends at work attempted to connect in a meaningful way with me by asking if Satu and I like the same music and dialing up the 90's alternative station on pandora so we could talk about The Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees. When I told Satu about this, she bubbled over with joy. I think we probably woke the neighbors laughing about bands that we grew up with. Satu says I should have told her that we enjoy listening to smooth jams together. When I woke up this morning, she had left an old CD on the counter for me. I laughed and laughed. 

More than you might think I try to remember what I was like when I was younger and the world seemed so different. War was not ever something I thought about. I never felt connected to the world the way I do now that have found real love in my life. In my younger days I felt like my life was something that was happening to me.Right now, it is different. I feel like my life with Satu is something that we are doing together. 

I don't care if we are people's cool older friends or if we are just living in our own little world. I care that we are stepping forever closer to each other. Right now, connecting is really hard. Both of us spend so much time alone or working that those little moments when we laugh ourselves to sleep mean everything to me. I wish that they could carry Satu through the disconnected times as well, but I think it is much harder for her. I can carry moments with me better than she can. It is what makes me really slow to let go of the past and her mostly living in the moment. I know that our lives together will be full of midnight laughter and quiet Saturday mornings, I just hope that in the moments when she is lonely that Satu knows that too.

A wonderful coming home present

While I was recently gone for a week to see my parents, Satu had a great idea to bring warmth and love into our bedroom. When I came home I found these two wonderful photo displays.

These are some pictures of our life together, Satu chasing a horseshoe crab, interacting with birds, the world and each other. There is a picture of me smiling so big that I look like I am eating the world, which is how I feel when I see the pictures of us. All over the wall are little reminders of the weird and wonderful times we have together and the little gifts that show up in our world. I would rather spend my time with Satu than anywhere with anyone on earth. Her laugh is the sound that I most enjoy in this world and it makes me feel like a success when I get to hear it. 

For the first time in my life, I am with someone who knows me so well she can see the thoughts behind my actions. She not only knows my heart, she cares for it and protects it from the world, and now, she has made us a little place of our own where both our hearts can be seen in these pictures. 

Right now, these things are the things that make me feel more connected and secure since our lives are running on opposite schedules. I am potentially facing a promotion at work, which is good news for us, but also wouldn't change my schedule to a day time schedule as soon as we had hoped. These little reminders of our lives together help me stay focused and know that if I can just get through one week at a time, Satu and I will get to reconnect at the end of it and swap our stories and hold each other. The pictures and the warm, loving home that I come home to make everything else fade into the background.

Even though I will not be around when she reads these posts because I will likely be at work, I hope that my beautiful wife can feel my cool hand on her forehead and know that she is loved every single second of every day including those moments between two seconds where time stretches and one can get lost in the magnitude of it all.

Romance is the little details

Satu just might be the most romantic person I know. She's not flowery or watery eyed over sappy songs and affectation. She understands better than anyone I know that the best way to make someone feel loved is by paying attention to the little details, grand gestures are a once in a while thing. You might be able to swing a few of them in a lifetime, but there are little things that Satu does every day or so that make me feel so loved. She brings creativity and imagination to those gestures that make me feel loved.

I got an ink stain on my sweater which is totally expected, because I live my life as if I am naked and my skin is made of teflon. My clothes don't get a thought until I need a pocket to put something in or something to wipe my hands on. I do however have a few things that I really appreciate in a sweater, and top of that list is elbow pads. I want all of my clothes to have elbow pads, even the pants. This sweater is one of the few pieces that I have with elbow pads, so Satu knew that it was worth saving.

While I was away to see my family, Satu came up with this brilliant plan:

Even though I didn't ask, and sewing is not something that just seems fun to her, Satu made the little ink stain look like an x. Then she sewed a bunch of little green x's on the sweater so that it looked intentional. 

This alone would be one of those sweet little gestures that makes my heart feel impossibly full, but there was more. This is where the romance comes in:

She sewed this little heart on the inside where only I would know about it. She had to carefully avoid letting it bleed through. This is something she may be especially suited for actually. Satu has the biggest heart you could imagine. I think it is actually bigger than infinity, but she doesn't let everyone see it. I know though. I know that she is capable of an almost unimaginable love, and I am lucky to be a part of it. It is the little things that let you know that you are loved, but that knowledge is the biggest thing in the world. 

What is it like in her head

Sometimes it strikes me exactly how different Satu's inner landscape must be from mine. I think this picture is a good representation of what her thoughts are like:

Emotions know their place in her life don't leak over the boundaries screwing things up.Thoughts are easy to find and they are stored conveniently with associated words.

My brain looks more like this:

 Not only do I never really know what emotion is about to surface, I often get lost in my thoughts and pulled down the wrong path.
This is a problem for Satu and for me because I will often get stuck while we are talking and my brain will detour without my consent. She isn't wrong when she says that I don't always listen. The problem is that I try to listen and pay attention and I don't always know when I am not doing a good job. My heart is always connected, but details escape me.
Last night when I complimented Satu on her pretty orange shirt, she informed me that I say that every time she wears it. I don't think I have ever seen it before, but because Satu's brain is so well organized, she has a section for orange shirt and it's associated compliments.

The point is, I am paying attention, I notice how good she looks in orange every time I see it, but I don't have an orange shirt section in my brain. I have an orange shirt experience and then it gets lost in the past. In the same way that I can't tell one actress from another, I can't recall many of the details that I should be able to.

My hope is that Satu really does understand me for the animal that I am, living in the present and often lost in my own mind. I love her so much and look forward to every day that I get to spend time with her. I may not remember what we ate last time we went out or what she asked me to do last week, but I am forever attentive to the connection that I feel when she gently rests her hand on my knee. Nothing brings me more peace and happiness than the feeling I get when she looks in my eyes. I want to have that feeling every day, and I hope that in her very well organized mind there is a section where she stores the knowledge that I love her infinitely and deeply with all of my heart.