Inside Rocks- and Uncle Rick

 Uncle Rick passed away this week. Though I am sure without a doubt that he had a good heart, his life had become very small and tragic. That made his death, though shocking, less tragic by comparison. 

To keep our animal selves in the present moment, we try to never think of life as finite. It is after all, everything we know. So, while Rick's passing may bring quieter days for the family, Satu is in Indiana with her Aunt Mary sitting with the discomforting feeling of a life disappearing from the world we know.

When she returns, she will surely bring home rocks. We have inside rocks and outside rocks at our home. Most of them have come from the land in Indiana.  

Inside rocks and other infinite things

Satu is fascinated by many objects and shapes, but unlike pipes, lightsabers, desiccants or writing utensils (etc.) she expresses more than curiosity about them. She told me once that they each have a spirit, so her connection to them is more than with simple objects. 

I wonder if she finds something comforting in this idea of a different kind of spirit without body and without knowledge. I think I may understand that a little. She chooses the best rocks from the pile. Not necessarily the friendliest ones, or the convenient ones, usually, not even easy ones (she has been known to operate heavy machinery to bring one home.) She brings the ones that speak to her. 

Things that used to be (actually) alive, but remind her of rocks and were, therefore, among the 4 pictures she took on our last trip together.

I find something comforting about thinking of rocks slowly changing form over the years, but maintaining their essence. Holding one of the round ones she brought home does make me feel connected to the earth in some small way, calmed by the thought of something that will be the same years after I am gone. I am generally not woo-woo about connection to the world and trying to understand some abstract purpose in our existence, but holding a rock can bring out the woo-woo a little.

Outside rocks with finite things

2023 is coming to a close. This year we have seen a lot of life ending, and not a lot of springtime. I hope that if this new year brings more rain, it will show new colors without changing the shape of us too much. like the garden rocks that brighten when they are wet. 

Resurrection of the Disney Princess

 

Let's wake this blog back up.

Is it just me, or is the prince giving soft butch energy?

It probably seems to you that if I don't naturally think of this blog often, I don't value the time that writing gives me to reflect on us. That's not at all true for me, it's just a matter of bringing back to the front of my mind what I meant to do. It's a "why did I walk in the room" sort of thing. 

I am bringing this practice back, because for me, this is a way to slow down and re-connect with our real lives. Our shared time is what brings me the most joy in life, and our connection is the thing in my heart that makes me feel like everything else is possible and alive.  

I am adding dedicated time to the week so that I can make sure this isn't something that I let slip my mind, because I think it's good for both of us, and it's a way for me to express myself in your love language, rather than the body language that is mine. 

I also don't want to send you this and then run the risk of disappointing you by forgetting to set aside some time to get into my head. 

Since It's been a long while since I posted, I have missed capturing a lot things in our lives. Should I not know what to write on any given week, here is a list of things since the last post that I want to reflect on. Some are just normal life things, some are shared things, and some are just ideas I've had on a going list in my mind.

Since my last post in 2021, here are some things:

1. How Covid felt in our family
2. The ven diagram of Satu and Kay
3. The ways that you are also mushy on the inside
4. The passing of your sister and ghosts
5. How you kept me sane when I changed jobs.
6. Flowers- don't forget flowers
7. Christmas lights and our annual date- how you narrate the drive for me
8. Your disability (passenger side aversion)
9. The geriatric ward and your quiet- librarian voice.
10. Nick and Cat leaving
11. Finding friends outside of us
12. pipes? do your favorite shapes show up elsewhere?
13. Laying the bathroom floor together and how we approach projects together
14. deep cookies
15. What music adds to my life and how it makes me feel about you when I am thinking
16. short kisses and long kisses
17. badminton

These are some topics to draw on when I have trouble settling my mind. 

I'm sorry I let this blog go before, it's always been important for us to take some time to just be us. I hope bringing this back will keep me more present and let you know that I am seeing you and I do understand some things about your deeply mysterious brain, life and heart. 

Peaceful kingdom

 

We are now a home with 4 animals and two girls. Besides the massive amount of hair that this creates, there are a lot of new moments of tension. In addition to mixing all the animals up with a move, there are new smells and sounds from Nicolette's cat downstairs. 

I am hopeful though. Even though there has been a ton of hissing and growling, the bloodshed has remained minimal. 

It feels right finally being upstairs. Satu is slowly setting up her space on the third floor which fills me with so much joy. She truly does seem happier when she has time to interact with things and to have some alone, but close time. I think it helps her put work aside for a while. On the way to and from work, her mind is usually completely overtaken with the frustrating problems of the daily grind. I hope eventually I can get myself paid well enough to let her quit without worry.

We are getting settled in our lives and it would sure be nice to have more time to enjoy the stability and the environment we are building for ourselves. 

Wild animals

 Spring is here and the cameras are on. Satu and I have already seen bunnies, skunks and groundhogs. The deer and squirrels are year round neighbors, but they have a bit of spring in their steps lately too. 

Satu and I are building a studio space on the third floor to move her into. Even though we aren't redoing the floors or changing the walls up there, the odd corners and funny shadows will make a beautiful space for her. 

I am really excited to see her bronze masks on the walls and to get her backyard foundry going this year. I think she's going to love creating at home if we can just get more comfortable with the idea of her quitting her job. 

Even though it scares me to my core, I'd love to know that she was enjoying some of the summer sunshine on her Honda rebel.

It is scary times with the pandemic making the economy safe only for the 1 percenters. Still, we play it safe enough that I think we should take the risk. Especially after Satu's sister moves in this summer. 

I have my own wishlist of upgrades for moving into the upstairs apartment. 

A french door type refrigerator would fit the kitchen a lot better and not block off the door in and out. A king sized bed would be a huge lifestyle upgrade since the animals chase me out of bed almost every night now. And I cannot wait to put in countertops and get a comfortable sofa. 

It is nice to daydream about homemaking with Satu again. As much as I hate to move, I have been wanting to get into he upstairs space since we bought this house. The downstairs is cozy enough, but I really feel like we will be able to spread out a bit. Satu deserves to have some nice space to herself to create and work on her secret projects. I have my basement dojo and office.  I feel like it adds a lot to my life to have that space just to be in. 

This year the cicadas will come out of hiding after 17 years in the ground. I can't wait to hear them singing in the woods and watch my wonderful wife examine them on her small, perfect hands. Ohio would be perfect this time of year if there were frogs and turtles. I haven't seen either since we left Georgia.

As far as our own little family of animals goes, the basement cat has turned into a very sweet, loving lap cat. He joins us upstairs whenever the dog isn't here. Unfortunately, they have had some bad interactions and I don't think they will be able to bury the hatchet. 

I think we can live with it though. We will have this whole wonderful house soon to spread out in. 

I am scared of this world too

 I am in the stairwell of our home burying myself in busy work. My country is in crisis and I am listening to songs that meant something to me when I was 20. I live with you and wake up with you and i miss you even when you are beside me. I know clearly right now that love is all that matters in this storm beaten world, but i feel lost. I want to make this world a paradise for us, but our home feels like a bunker. Hold tight to me and I will hold tight to you. Nothing else seems certain.

LL2

 Star shorts and a tee:

This ensemble is the cozy time standard. The tee is from freestate which made the beer that brought us together. (Well, the beer didn't hurt, but we are also together because of being a balanced partnership full of laughter, wonder and joy.)

I always like Satu in a white tee shirt. I think it might be a sexy, lady  James Dean sort of a thing. Anyway, that saucy look is because our cat is trying to edge in on her Friday night sushi treat. That's a hard no. 

The shorts are such favorites that they are getting a bit threadbare. Over the years that we have been together, the sky has gone from moonless midnight black to full moon on a snowy evening blue. They are still the best. One day they will probably burn right off of her sleeping body with a little crackle. Satu is a hot sleeper, and I think they are thin enough now to ignite on some particularly dry summer night. 

Lesbian Lingerie

 You may know from watching porn or seeing almost any meme on the internet that some lesbians like to wear beautiful, silky, sexxxy things to bed. Many lesbians like to have pillow fights and group bubble baths as well. Satu and I are not those lesbians though. We are this kind of lesbian:

For a while I have wanted to start a sexxxy fashion blog to showcase some of Satu's best bedtime outfits. Sexy is not about wearing something with confusing straps that drapes alluringly off of a shoulder or disappears into the folds of a derri-area. Sexy is in her beautiful voice whispered in my ear, her bare skin and her knowing smile. The fashion speaks for itself. Satu's lingerie is about eating popcorn in bed, making sure she doesn't sweat to death in her sleep and also about not giving a single solitary fuck about what other women wear to bed. She knows that I think she is the sexiest person alive. She knows that she is my dream girl, so the LL posts that follow this one are snaps of some of my favorite outfits and looks. I think they say a lot about why she is the only person I could possibly spend the rest of my life with.