What's going on in studio 12?

More fire than usual in studio 12. I have been hoping Satu would start to feel a little more like the artist that she is and we have recently acquired a lot of new dangerous things for future projects. My wife us currently in the studio putting dairy products on chicken skulls in the hopes that she will get he beginnings of a nice mold patina.

All of her art scares me even though it is beautiful. But what is really exciting is hearing her talk about new ideas and look forward to being a part of the studio's success. I think we have a real shot at being a part of the creative community here. Satu is the right person to bring her design skill to the interior of this old school house and make it feel more like an artist community. She also has the right presence to make the downstairs workshop and gallery appealing to serious artists. I can already picture it in my mind.

Satu's first show in a decade was a really great success. It was a small enough venue not to be overwhelming, but had the right type of traffic to look carefully and consider the work seriously. I hope that she develops some new contacts here in Cleveland because I think that she will feel more connected when she is around other people who work in art.

I honestly can't wait to see what's next for her. I hope that her next show brings some new work to the world and I am thrilled that she has done a couple of projects on paper as well. She usually avoids anything that doesn't make a shadow, but it's interesting to see her bring that sensibility to paper. Her recent paintings were full of different depths brought out of the wrinkles by oil and metal dust.

I am ready to move away from my career to support hers whenever we have an opportunity. Our family is really the only job I can be truly passionate about, so if I had an opportunity to live a whole life by supporting her in that way, I would consider it the most worthy pursuit of my life.

Everything all at once,,, Occasionally on fire.

The last two weeks have been a blur of hopeful possibility and incredible stress. Satu has a show at a small community theater in Westlake that opened last night. It's a small lobby, but gets a lot of traffic, and some of the right kind of traffic too. She has spent the last two weeks full of ideas and running to the studio to work on some new pieces to round out the show. It's been great! I see her real self peeking back out and looking hopefully at the future for the first time in a while.

I was worried she would give up art when our own studio idea went beyond what we could do to get it off the ground. Now she's back to herself putting amazing images together and presenting herself like the talented artist that she is.

We've been talking to the studio owner at the place that she's been working at about being more involved. That conversation wouldn't have even happened if we hadn't been there working on the show. Now we might actually change our lives. What I'm worried about is losing that momentum now. It is clear to me that Satu needs to be in her studio working in order to be the version of herself that she's most proud of, but what if the investment doesn't work out? How do we stay the course and keep her working?

I am willing to spend the rest of my life scavenging bronze ingots and glass from wherever I can get them if it means that she is doing what she does best. I'd like for us to be a part of the community there, but more than that I want to keep seeing my wife talk about ideas that really matter to her. I want to see more text messages with business cards on them and pictures of ideas for new art. I want to talk about how toxic her bone art could be and how the fact that it is scary to me is part of the point.

I am so excited about where the next few months will lead us now that my beautiful wife is energized to make more work. I don't care what the business details are really as long as it includes a life that she finds meaningful and makes her as proud as she deserves to be.

Every Christmas is Better and Better

Christmas for me is no longer about giving or receiving gifts. It's not about commerce, Jesus or pretty lights. It is only about hoping that I will see my beautiful wife smile. The best part of any day is when she takes me into her arms, or when she kisses me hello or when she pats my hand or laughs or sighs in a happy way. The best part of Christmas is that it is an excuse to pick out things that I think she will like to have. I always wish for a different way to remind her that she is the world to to me.

Things can never show someone how much you love them, but neither can words. I often wish that Satu could live in my body for one day just for the experience of feeling my chemicals. I wish she could feel my heart jump at the sound of her voice. I wish she could know what it feels like to have her comforting hand on me. I can only hope that my presence makes her feel the way she makes me feel.

I look forward to every day that I get to spend a whole day with her. I don't care what we are doing, I just like to be around her in our home. Satu is the only person I have ever been with in my life that I still feel like me around. As much as I wish I could be perfect for her, she makes me feel good about being my flawed, strange self. She loves me in spite of the fact that I leave doors open and have strange eating habits. She loves me enough that she moved in with me even though that means sharing a bathroom with someone who leaves hair on every nearby surface and squeezes the toothpaste from the middle.

I feel like I would love to extend this break forever. I've had 4 wonderful days off with my wife who is the only person I ever want to be around all the time. It makes going back to work tomorrow feel like the end of a wonderful dream. Being married to my beautiful wife is my fairy tale ending. She is my happily ever after and my forever and ever.

BFB BFF

Never just one emotion

My wife is a champion multitask-er. Last night while we were watching a Netflix show "Mortified," she was also looking up random things on both her laptop and her phone. There is some part of her brain that can continue to look at pipes, categorize them and still tap into the feeling of being an awkward teen and connect with other people laughing at their younger selves. Later she told me that she felt a little sad and desperate.

I know she has had a challenging time at work recently. I think everyone worries that they might not be how they see themselves. I worry all the time if I am really a good boss, or not, but I forget often that Satu is not always as confident as she seems. It is bewildering to me that my wife can do so many things at once and be as aware as she is about all of those things, but I never realized before that she also has constant emotional conflict. She had to tell me that she was sad because she knows that I can't always recognize it. One of the things that make it even harder for me to see her feelings is that she can feel constant and deep sadness and happiness at the same time. We were just laughing at people sharing stories about growing up. That laughter was true and real, but it just mixes with the sadness for her.

For me, I generally have just one dominant emotion. This is partly why my panic attacks can go on for hours, because fear will hijack my brain and nothing else gets in while it is in charge. When I feel sad, I only feel sadness. Even something decidedly good and happy registers as sad if that is the dominant emotion. Beauty is sad, laughter seems distant, love feels like an ache.

When I feel happy, I feel a million percent happy, the sun feels good, or the rain feels nice or the cold is crisp and makes me feel excited to cozy up in my house. When I am excited about something, my brain just keeps going back to the daydream.

This experience must be profoundly different for Satu though. What must it feel like to be always a little sad, even during the best of days, while chasing the cat or laughing with a friend? She is probably always a little happy too though, that's her curiosity and her sense of humor just making her this bright eyed funny person who always knows something about you by the tilt of your hat or your odd choice of words. The curious and the funny are always there, even when anger, worry or sadness are taking over the stage.  She has learned to be direct with me about how she is feeling because her demeanor doesn't change.Now I just ask how she wants me to be there for her, but I feel helpless for not being able to make her happy. Usually, she knows just what to say to make me feel loved and supported, but she is not as quick to shift as I am.

When I am sad and she hugs me or just sits next to me, knowing I am loved makes me feel less sad.It's like going from dark blue to lighter blue. With Satu though I imagine it is different. More like sadness comes out of it's box and happiness, fear, joy, jealousy, hopefulness and all the other emotions just stay there at the party hanging out too. 

I wish there was a way to help Satu experience the happiness she deserves and not get overwhelmed by the bad stuff. She could quit her job, but she doesn't really like not making money and she gets bored and feels useless without one. She could do art full time, but she needs a social outlet and that's more solitary work. How do we find the right balance? Is there a right balance?

For now, I think the best I can do is put up this post to remind her that she's my special person. Satu, I love you so much that that is the only emotion that I can feel most of the time. I hope it is enough to bring some happiness to the mix.

Why do you want to eat the children?

I have noticed that my wife always mentions trying to eat babies that she loves. My nephew is the main example. She wants to "gobble him up" or talks about him like a ham or a succulent turkey. I don't really understand this because in my mind if you eat something it disappears, but I think that Satu understands that eating something means it becomes part of you.

I usually think of myself as the animal and Satu as the floating brain, but recently I have started to think of Satu as a cute little animal. Yes, she's usually more together, more aware and more thoughtful, but she is just the kind of animal that wouldn't hit herself in the face with a car door. I have never really thought of her this way because she is a quiet animal. She usually keeps all of her animal thoughts inside. You may never know if she needs a thunder shirt, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to feel held.

I sometimes wish that we could do what my sister just did and bring a child into our family. I'm too uncomfortable with my body and my age to ever be pregnant, but I wonder what our lives would be like if we could share this family we have made with another human animal. Satu has such a sharp mind and aside from always talking about eating them, she's so good with kids, I think some young human would be really lucky to have us as moms.

I sometimes think about how young my parents were when they were raising 2 and 3 year old me and wonder how they ever managed to keep me alive. I can't imagine knowing how to parent now, but I am certainly a more well rounded person than I was in my 20's. When I was 20 I could barely keep myself alive and now that i'm in my 40's, I'm not sure if I should yell at my dog when he poops on the floor or if I just work too much.

You know who would know how to handle this? Satu. She knows animals and people because she really sees them.

I empathize by thinking about how I would feel in a situation. She empathizes by knowing how someone else feels because she understands things about them that I don't see.

I never know if someone likes me or not because I just don't know. She never knows because you can never know everything about someone and there is always uncertainty.

Satu is really the more kind and feeling of the two of us even though I am the one who displays emotions more easily. I think it is because I was never made to feel ashamed or weak for my emotions. My dad is a very complicated animal and my mom is very forgiving. Satu on the other hand feels everything, but shows nothing because she learned from experience that people will manipulate you if you give away your vulnerabilities.How did she stay such a good mammal? I think she is just a good person.

Part of the reason that I love it when she shows me videos of bats eating bananas is that I know that when she does that it means that she felt some kind of kinship to the experience that the little bat was having. I feel empathy, but I wonder if she feels the experience in a different way. Does she imagine a simpler life where you get held in a warm blanket and have someone give you treats. Is she imagining what it would be like to feed the bat or to be the bat? Either way, I think she knows more about those feelings than I can.

Satu is a good mammal, but I would be a better wife if I knew when to be the big spoon and just let her be a little thing being loved. Sometimes I get distracted by her strength and forget that she needs to feel warm and loved too.

Things I want to do with my wife during this life time

As easy as it is to imagine our lives together as infinite, I know that it is important to experience as much of life as you can while you can. Anything good in this world can only be better when it is shared with someone you truly love. So here is a list of things I would like to experience with Satu that we have never done together.

1. Ride a roller coaster. I love roller coasters, they scare me in just the right way that I laugh the whole time.

2. See the Grand Canyon. I want to see all the world with Satu, but I have especially always wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Something about that kind of nature is really calming. I love a forest, or a hike in the woods, but it is relaxing to be in a beautiful place where you can see farther too.

3. Any animal interaction at all. Goats, birds, turtles, whatever, I want to see them with her because I know she will know how to talk to them.

4. Try skiing, Even though snow sucks, I think it would be fun and give us a reason to warm up.

5. Stay in a tree house.

6. Take her to Japan for sushi, but not blowfish because I don't actually want to risk losing her.

7. Adopt more cats and dogs one day when we have a bigger bit of land. Satu wants chickens which I don't mind, but they don't hang out with you. I'd like to adopt more cats and dogs.

8. See Christmas lights in a different place every year.

9. Drive route 66 again maybe in a classic car.

10. See more art. We haven't even gone to the Cleveland museum. It would be a good place to start.

11. Make some videos with plenty of laughing, talking and just being our happiest selves. My life is so much happier than I could have ever imagined. I just want to keep spending as many days as I can with my wife, my best friend and my everything.