Contradictions

My wife is surprising, curious and beyond a doubt she is her own person. Most people you can infer some things about them by knowing other traits, but not with Satu. She's impossible to predict. Here is a list of things I know about her that seem like they shouldn't exist in the same person. She is a little bit of everything.

Satu live tweets... she will not talk on a phone... ever... almost.

Early in out relationship, much stress was had over how badly we communicate on the phone. I need to see people's faces to understand what is going on, but Satu is verbal and can carry on two different conversations in two directions if she wants. She often will look at something on her phone and her laptop while watching tv. She will live tweet a scify show to strangers, but definitely won't talk on the phone, ever or answer the door, even for food or the police.

Satu is a catch, she knows that she's super hot and that she looks like a very fit 30 something. She's prettier than any woman I could imagine. She's nerdy-hot in a naughty, flirty way. Satu knows she's beautiful, but she also worries about the tiniest things. How can you think a few grey hairs matter when you have the perfect voice, the deepest, most mysterious eyes, the softest touch and a smile that makes you forget everything else in the world.

Satu is completely grounded. She suppresses excitement, sadness and all other emotions. Except when she laughs, she really does it. When she smiles at you, it's the only real thing in the world. When she sings, it makes me feel all of my feels and probably the neighbors feelings (hope they are having a good day.)

My wife is completely independent. At work she moves furniture that is twice her size and weight, but when it is time for me to bring her things, I will be doing that. I have a function, and that function is to make sure that she doesn't have to get her own popcicle.

Satu is the best person that i know, but she's also the best person that I know, the person that makes me feel most at home, the only one I feel at home with. She is the best person that I know. no buts, no exceptions. The only one for me.

I love getting to see my beautiful wife

I love to see my beautiful wife peacefully asleep. It's such a confusing thing to see a tiny tornado at rest. It makes me want to gently pat her sleeping cheek just to feel the warmth against my skin. Sometimes she will sigh which breaks my heart over and over. The love that is never contained and never stops growing fills my chest in waves while she just dreams her fitful dreams.

My new schedule means that I get to actually date my wife again. Though there is still too little precious time we can spend together, the hours we get contain more daylight. It's also remarkable to see this tiny little tornado of a woman express every kind of gentleness, kindness, playfulness and love when we are together. I think that one of the things I like so much about Satu is that she inhabits the world in a genuine way. She makes time to go outside with me to experience the magical light of a sunset. Still, after ten years together, my heart jumps when she looks me in the eyes.

Seeing Satu during the day means that I get to learn things about her too like how she restored the red color to the bowl of one of her pipes mixing in just the right amount of ash. She speaks fluent crow, which I knew, but she also speaks squirrl, deer and opossum, which is new information to me.

Lately we have been watching a very loooooooooong series of  British detective stories. The episodes are long and slow and meander over WW2 English towns and people at a very leisurely pace. I don't have the patience for it, but it's comforting in the way that shadows on the ceiling comfort you when you shouldn't be awake. It makes the home feel homey and gives us good reason to sit together.

Satu worries about getting older and seeing her lifetime stretch out into the past, but I think that we are in our best season yet. I feel loved in my home and happy with our lives together. That has always been my understanding of success because I grew up with people who weren't struggling to identify with their work or their names in the world. The world is just the stretching landscape where you make a very small, happy story. I know Satu sees it differently, she wants to be seen in the world for what she knows she does well, I just want to be seen by her.

I hope that as we roll into season 11 of our own long, meandering American lives she will be able to experience bringing her work into the world. I'd just as happily sit with her in the studio while she works if it means bringing more fullness to her world.

He's not boss, your're boss

I'm not sure where Satu learned to work, but she does not do half-hearted, ever. She does honest, genuine, compassionate and dedicated and she does it at 100%. I'm not sure why this man has chosen to square off with her. Maybe it's because he has a micro-penis, maybe he grew up thinking that it gave him a more important place in the world. It doesn't. That guy has nothing on her. He's just a lazy, entitled dick that can't be challenged. He's talked himself into a cozy role there where he doesn't have to do anything and he's trying to defend it. It doesn't make him boss, it doesn't make him anything.

Here are some of the reasons that I know Satu is a good leader, role model and coach.

1.She has integrity. She doesn't stray from the right thing because it's easier. Managers do things right, leaders do the right things.

2. She knows you because she knows everyone. No one gets people like Satu. That's why I know this guy is seriously off. You know how if your nice dog doesn't like one person, that person is probably a child molester or just stole food stamps from the elderly? Satu's the nice dog if he was woke and didn't believe anyone's shit. She sees all your bull shit and blemishes and likes you anyway because you get to be human. You don't get to be Mel though. He's not welcome.

3. She keeps trying. Satu can go to work sad, come home sad and still made someone else's day better by saying the right thing, or just looking at you like you matter. She keeps the crushingness on the inside and offers the right words, a shoulder when you need it and inspiration when you feel low. Then she never asks for it in return.

4. She's brave. No one wants to have the hard talks, be the bad guy or take one for the team, so she always does it so you don't have to.

5. She doesn't turn off. She doesn't let the day end. It just rolls into the next day and she keeps doing the right thing.

6. She won't let someone snowball her. Satu has a well tuned bullshit detector and knows when you lie to her. She may let you do it, but she knows you threw the thing away, just admit it.

7. She's not wrong. Just because some ass hole doesn't like having a boss, doesn't make you bad at it. It makes you all the more necessary.

Keep doing it. Keep being honest, kind, brave and real. People take time, but the good ones want to be there for that, and the bad ones can go fuck themselves. He's not boss. Satu's boss.

How Satu handles stress and uncertainty

I often say that you can tell when Satu is upset because nothing about her changes, not a raised eyebrow or a sigh. There is definitely stress though. This month Satu got a promotion and is now the Manager of her store. I quit my job with out really having a plan and won't start work again until next week. We have basically been trying to keep eachother calm and distracted the whole month.

Satu is a champion. Even though it must have been scary for her, she encouraged me to quit because she doesn't think I should have to apologize for having opinions or doing what is right as a leader. She was fiery about that, which is to say that she talked sternly in her regular voice and displayed no other notable change in demeanor.

Here are some other Satu only reactions to the outside world:

If she disagrees or thinks she might disagree, she will either say "Huh." with a slight upward inflection or just a maybe and then change the subject.

When Satu is really upset, she usually just walks into the bathroom or bedroom and will not be seen until after she has put the heavy iron lid on that.

When Satu is delighted, she may just chuckle quietly, she may swallow that laughter letting out only a tiny, barely perceptible smile, or lately, she has been expressing it by playing cheesy 80's music.

If she feels lonely, she will watch a dreary British mystery and send me a text just to say "hi baby." I check my phone all the time for a little hello, and whenever I get one, even after 10 years, it makes my heart jump.

When Satu, is cold or hungry, well... she's always cold, but when she's hungry, she just forgets where she put things. She doesn't get cranky like most people. She just soldiers on and handles things.

Satu has a full, deep and varied emotional life, but she's private about it. It's not anyone's business anyway.

The one thing Satu is never secretive about is how much she loves me. Over the years, she has learned to stop and hug me and pat me and remind me that she loves me so that I never have to guess. I love her openly, and she loves me back with her arms open, a smile on her face and with every word that she speaks to me.

Disaster preparedness

Perhaps the reason that Satu watches ships sinking and planes crashing is that she is attracted to disaster. I am sure that is what keeps her with me. Everything I do is not quiiiiite right, not always wrong, but let's just say that any plan I ever make is open ended.

I break many of the things that we live with, jars full of q-tips, gone. Wine glasses, off the corner of the table, even the Christmas tree isn't safe, so it's not really a surprise that the get away weekend I planed for us last week didn't go the way we thought it would. We packed up our food and headed to the country to check into our cabin and make some dinner. Unfortunately the cabin was just a bedroom attached to a bathroom. It was more like a guest house without a kitchen. It was however, super warm inside which was great because I had told Satu that she wouldn't need heavy sweaters or coats since it was supposed to be in the 50s that weekend. When it started to snow, we curled up in bed with some cheese and crackers allowing the meatballs to be a casualty of my minus touch.

Sometimes being a disaster has some bright spots though because my beautiful wife is usually game enough to roll with the changing, unfolding, sinking or burning plan in real time. Because I had already failed several times that day, I took two of my "don't freak out pills" before bed. The last thing you need on a get away weekend is your wife having a panic attack and keeping you up all night. Just before I fell asleep, I saw a shadowy creature zoom across the table. Satu spent the rest of the night coaxing the mouse out so she could get a video or twelve of the cute little critter. It was not a restful night for Satu, but at least it was squeeky's fault, not mine.

 The next day after making 2 pots of coffee in the tiniest coffee maker ever,  we did go out and brave the cold to see some of the nearby reserves. Eventually we feeling to our hands and feet so we didn't know how cold we were. It was actually very fun for me. We kept a brisk pace on the hike because we wanted to see stuff, but didn't want to be outside for long, so we just tried to hike fast and see everything as quickly as possible.

One of the reasons that I know Satu really, really loves me is that she coaxes expressions out of me when she wants to take a picture. Not only do I never recognize anyone else's face (I can't tell Bil Murray from the Dos Equis guy), I never know what my face is doing. From people's feedback, I think I usually look like a total bitch, but then sometimes I look overly hopeful like maybe I'm about to be praised or get told that I did a good job breathing just then. When Satu wants to take a picture, she gets me to look at her which makes the hearts spring out of my eyes and relaxes my face. (you can tell it;s relaxed because I have 40% less wrinkles on my forehead.

Worried look: Please love me. See I have a dog and giant, lovable thighs.

Look, I'm smiling with 40% less old lady what the fuck over my eyes. Look. Look who loves me.That one. The pretty lady with the best smile in the world. She picked me, and she's taking a picture, and this sweater has a heart that she sewed inside it just for me... because she loves me.
Fuck all yall, I've got the best wife ever.

Satu was a great sport about the whole weekend, even though the getaway wasn't wine-country luxury, it was really fun. I sometimes just want to be somewhere new to have new experiences with her. I want to have new mice and coffee pots in our lives sometimes. Yes, next time I will try to spring for a place with a kitchen, or a little more privacy, but if I happen to book us in a place with one room and a display of clown sculptures instead, there is no one in the world who could make that seem like heaven except Satu. 

5 things in the real world that remind me of Satu

There are materials and objects that sometimes remind me of my wife. I know that she gets this concept perfectly because she will sometimes describe herself as a double-metal dog. All the loyalty of a dog with the permanence of a warm metal heart that burns like molten iron. Here are some of the other materials and things that remind me of Satu.

1. Sand

Sand is soft, but made out of the tiniest pieces of whatever is close in the world. On the beach, it's rocks, coral and seashells that warm in the sun. Only when you look closely do you see the small glittery pieces that flash as you walk. In the moonlight, the sand reflects the moon from you feet making your footsteps glow. That's how I feel being married to Satu, like every footstep is special in some way.

2. Cedar

Satu will tell you that wood hates her. It always hurts her and she usually has at least one splinter somewhere in her body at any time. She does love the smell of cedar though. It's spicy like her. It's a smell that is clean and complicated, beautiful and unmistakable.

3. Fire

I'm not sure if fire counts as a thing, but technically, mass and energy are interchangeable, so let's just go with it. You don't get too close when Satu is roaring because you  will get burned. When she's cared for though, she warms up the whole house. Everyone wants to be near her.

4. Stone

Not giant mountain stone, round pleasing, unique, perfectly smoothed stone. She doesn't yell out from the landscape, but she does stand out. There will only ever be one person made exactly like her, with each historical layer smoothed over, buried into her and showing once in a while if you happen to look in exactly the right light.

5. Bone

Satu never pretends that she is marble, cotton, diamonds or coal. When she is bone, she will just be bone, but you have never thought of bone this way. You realize looking at her that your past understanding is incomplete. Yes, what you know about teeth and finger bones may be true, but you don't really know the half of it. She's living, growing, organic and strong. Not carved, not sealed, but in the world exactly as she is. She may peek out at you from a doorway and you feel as though you have gotten a glimpse at something wild and real.

Real like bone, layered like stone, wild and hot like fire, complex like cedar and soft and endless like sand. That's my wife.She is also everything else too. Everything in the world to me.

Why being seen has changed my life

I am tired of seeing 20 somethings settle for terrible relationships and spend so much time on drama. I know that it's part of learning to be a grown up, but it's so embarrassing to be forced to remember all of the things I thought I knew about the world, all of the stubborn self-righteousness and self imposed isolation. How indulgent and privileged. 

I think that I really didn't know that I deserved to be with someone who likes and accepts me until I met Satu. I would call many of my past relationships good, but I don't think I ever had arms that I could truly relax into. The real difference is that I feel seen for the first time.

I think people have a tenancy to reduce each other to a handful of traits, kind of a cartoon shell of a person, and then you don't really register anything that doesn't fit that picture. There's no connection there. It's like living with books, you may find them enlightening, deep or meaningful, but there are limits to the interaction. You are still just a person living alone with books.

With Satu, I love that we keep learning and exploring the world together. She doesn't reduce me to a manageable  thing that can fit into her life, she lives her life with me exactly the way I am. I feel like a real, full person for the first time and not just a full person on the inside and a cartoon on the outside. I feel known. I feel valuable and special and understood.

Having Satu know me and knowing her makes me feel solid in the world. I don't care as much about the rejection I might face out there, because I can come home to someone who loves me. I will still be someone.

For me, this feeling is a re-birth. Satu is more curious to me than I think I am to her. She knows my thoughts before I say anything most of the time, but I feel like she is a constant mystery. Even so, I see her more deeply than I have seen anyone before. I see her complexity and her flashes of stormy emotion beneath the calm water. I see her worry and uncertainty along with her deeply grounded confidence and intelligence. I may never know what to expect, but I am paying attention.

This relationship feels electric. Even after ten years, hearing her voice makes me want to learn more. Tell me stories. Tell me about you. Think of the adventures we can have together.

I still can't  believe sometimes that I am so lucky that I get to be with her. Out of everyone in the world, she chose to marry me. It wasn't about strategy or reason, she really loves me in a way that makes her molecules move wrong when I'm not around to break her wine glasses or drop a tablet on her in the middle of the night while trying to show her kittens. My molecules get sore when I don't see her. Everything slows down and loses color.

It's that color that I am seeing now in the world for the first time since I met her. Everything in my life feels richer, deeper and more real.

I love you Satu. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for letting yourself be seen.