What is it like in her head

Sometimes it strikes me exactly how different Satu's inner landscape must be from mine. I think this picture is a good representation of what her thoughts are like:

Emotions know their place in her life don't leak over the boundaries screwing things up.Thoughts are easy to find and they are stored conveniently with associated words.

My brain looks more like this:

 Not only do I never really know what emotion is about to surface, I often get lost in my thoughts and pulled down the wrong path.
This is a problem for Satu and for me because I will often get stuck while we are talking and my brain will detour without my consent. She isn't wrong when she says that I don't always listen. The problem is that I try to listen and pay attention and I don't always know when I am not doing a good job. My heart is always connected, but details escape me.
Last night when I complimented Satu on her pretty orange shirt, she informed me that I say that every time she wears it. I don't think I have ever seen it before, but because Satu's brain is so well organized, she has a section for orange shirt and it's associated compliments.

The point is, I am paying attention, I notice how good she looks in orange every time I see it, but I don't have an orange shirt section in my brain. I have an orange shirt experience and then it gets lost in the past. In the same way that I can't tell one actress from another, I can't recall many of the details that I should be able to.

My hope is that Satu really does understand me for the animal that I am, living in the present and often lost in my own mind. I love her so much and look forward to every day that I get to spend time with her. I may not remember what we ate last time we went out or what she asked me to do last week, but I am forever attentive to the connection that I feel when she gently rests her hand on my knee. Nothing brings me more peace and happiness than the feeling I get when she looks in my eyes. I want to have that feeling every day, and I hope that in her very well organized mind there is a section where she stores the knowledge that I love her infinitely and deeply with all of my heart.

Bringing sexy back.

While I was gone to see my family, Satu has been keeping flirtation simmering on the stove for us. She has resolved to find ways to make the most of the precious few moments that we do get to share by making a real effort to connect. I am a very physical person, so I always feel better with her hand on me or snuggled up against her. Nothing in this world feels better than her soft kisses and the sound of her voice. To Satu though, connection is more about what we share when we talk and have experiences together. She seems to get that same sense of comfort from just being around each other and having those little moments where we pass in the hall and sneak in a little dance or make a lunch together.
We have started to try to incorporate rituals that will bring both of us that sense of closeness since every second counts in our lives right now.
For me, just having some sexy time means that I feel more confident and balanced. It helps that I am lucky enough to be with my dream girl.
I could have never imagined someone that I would be so attracted to on all possible levels. Not only is my wife still the person that I daydream about most, but she is also the funniest, kindest most passionate person that I know.

Two ships passing in the night

It is such a strange and busy time for us right now. Though we are on opposite schedules, I always feel connected to Satu. She is my home, our house is just a place where home happens to be. She has a harder time though.I am not sure why, but she goes back to her default solo setting when she doesn't see me for a little while. I stay on couple, but she resets to solo and we have to meet and reconnect all over before she can relax and feel loved. There are good things and bad things about her reset tendency. It seems to make our days off together new and meaningful, but it keeps the precious moments that we can grab out of any day we happen to have a few waking moments together more distant than they have to be.

I am also a very hands on, hugger. I would squeeze Satu any time she is still for more than a second if she would let me. During this strained time, I am sure it is like being hugged over and over again by a stranger. I might be a nice stranger with good intentions, but I am sure it is hard to stand still when your natural tendency is to flutter away to open skies.

I do hope that we will figure out how to get our schedules to cross over more in the future. I think I will end up on a day shift schedule which will allow us to have dinners together. Food has always been the thing that makes it seem like family time to me. In the mean time, I will do my best to leave a tasty meal for her when I can, and limit my hugging to a reasonable level.

Here are some things that I think that we can do to stay more connected while we don't see each other as much as we should:

1. Leave more notes on stuff. It is always nice to find a little heart drawn on your lunch bag or sewn into your sweater. Whenever I see a heart that Satu has made, my own heart aches and my body makes a reflexive hugging motion.

2. Try to feed her better. Satu feels loved when someone feeds her. I am going to do a better job this year of packing a lunch for her. I will have to find foods that she can eat without too much fuss, because she doesn't usually get much time to sit.

3. Hand rubs, back rubs and foot rubs. I am not sure why hugging makes her nervous, but I can wrench down on her muscles with all of my strength and that seems to be desirable.

4. Satu has developed some bedtime rituals to keep me calm and make our bed a calm place in the stormy world. We have tea sometimes or put lotion on our hands and listen to calming meditation recordings.

5. I will try to do a better job of prioritizing the things that she asks me to do. She doesn't ask for much, so I will do my best to come through when she does.

Sometimes, you don't really know which things are little things and which are really important, but when you don't see each other much, it is best to assume that every little act as a couple is more important.

How the postal service has caused Satu to question my love.

Our mail service is reliably bad here in Shaker Heights. Our neighbors often make rounds after the carrier to exchange mail to the correct home and it is never handled with care. My father once sent me a package of blueberry preserves that were a cobbler by the time I opened the box, so when the carrier left a little pink card, it was accompanied by a little package of dread in my heart.

Satu of course was elated with the sense of possibility. She loves any surprise, but a gift in the mail is one of those rare, wonderful things that makes life worth living. What could it be?? Her auntie had unfortunately just guessed at the postage, so the Post Office was going to hold the package for ransom until I showed up with a sweaty dollar bill and some change and stood in their pre-Christmas line for an hour.

Presents are important, so I agreed to embark on this hero's journey for my love, but even before I left home, I suspected this would not be a simple errand. The post office that is closest to us is, of course, not the one on the card, but like all government buildings it is set up to create chaos. The entrance is set up at an angle to the intersection so that one instinctively goes in the exit before realizing that an angry hoard of drivers around the corner will be coming at you, swerving and giving you the finger. Once inside the building, that was a mile from my home, I turned over the little pink card and discovered the address to a post office a few miles away.

I love Satu and want to see her smile and enjoy her surprise, and more than that, I hate the crushing weight of her disappointment, so I soon found myself entering the exit only drive of a second post office. I still had an hour before I had to leave for work, so I cued up behind a VERY old gentleman who's wife had sent him out for a book of stamps (on December 21st!!!). I guess that's how you get to be a 90 year old bald guy with translucent spotty skin and still be married. This little observation confirmed for me that I was making a worthy sacrifice for the love of my life. Ahead of me were two people trying to figure out passports and many sending off Christmas offerings to their families. One very pissy looking broad was sending a package of M&Ms and Skittles to some folks overseas. A little feat of kindness that would cost her much more than the price of the candy.

When it was finally my turn, the very tired looking woman called me over and took my pink card and ball of money. She disappeared into the back for 10 minutes and then emerged saying she had no luck finding the package, but had handed the card off to one of the guys in the back who would locate it for me. I could see only his feet through the window as he shuffled very slowly from shelf to shelf. I was directed to wait at the end of the counter for the man who would never emerge.

I had to tell my wife that I had failed to return with her package. She assumed that this is because I don't truly love her enough and reminded me how often she does nice things for me. This is true, and I feel lucky, but I think we both knew that the post office was too chaotic for me to have even a remote chance at success.

This Christmas, I wish for two things. 1. The miraculous recovery of my wife's gift so that she will somehow realize that I loved her all along and 2. to be looking at a future where my wife will send my old stooped, wrinkled butt out in the cold to bring back a book of stamps.

exceptional life

I think most people, Satu included, worry that they will leave no mark on the world, or that their lives will be inextinguishable from the masses. I think that I am generally happier and more satisfied with life because I don't worry about that at all. I know that the love that I feel every day is exceptional. Most people do not get to feel the kind of fullness that I do when I look at her beautiful eyes. I don't worry about leaving a mark on the world because I live the kind of life that Kings would sell their souls for. I have a real connection with the one person in the world who could love me as I am. What could be a greater pursuit than the love that I have for my wife? Nothing. If I had to choose between knowing the secrets of the universe and knowing Satu, I would chose Satu. Instantly, without question.

Funny little animal

My girl is a funny little animal. Last week I brought some snack crackers to bed.( I like to eat things in bed that make a lot of crumbs.) Satu grabbed as many as she could in her little fists and ran off with them down the hallway. It looked like this.

She can fold up like a little mouse and not be seen, she can look at you like a cat and she can dance like a blue footed boobie. Every day I feel like I love her more and more. Even though she has all of these little animal things that she does, I think I may be more wild than she is . She just knows all of the world's creatures really well, especially me. 

She knows when I need chocolate and when I need pats to make me feel better. Satu can always say just the right thing, or find just the right time to make me laugh when I need it. I hope that I do the same for her even though I don't have the same understanding of the world that she does. 

Satu has the sweet, good-natured innocence of a quiet little forest creature, yet all of the fury of a lion when she wants to. She is loyal and kind and honest. I hope that we will have this little burrow together for years and years. 

Htched!!!

This is a picture of us trying to figure out how to hold hands and show off our wedding rings. I feel a little obsessed with my ring. I keep looking at it and thinking about how lucky I am to have built this wonderful life with Satu. This week Satu's sister who is an Episcopal priest came up to make us legal. My sister came to witness and we said our vows here in the living room.

As informal as the whole thing was, it still choked me up. The dog was sniffing me the whole time and my nose was running and threatening to make our wedding kiss very memorable. Satu just smiled her beautiful smile and held my hand very sweetly. Still, after eight years, whenever our eyes meet it sends an electric pulse to my heart.

I do feel different somehow. I am not sure why having this ring on my finger adds depth to my feelings for Satu, but it does. When she calls me her wife it makes my heart stop for a minute. We have barely had a moment to ourselves since Saturday, but these few days have been full of contemplating Satu as my wife.

Being married makes me feel more relaxed, but not settled. I feel renewed, almost as if we are just starting to date which is odd since Satu knows me better than any person in the world. I just want to live up to this great institution that we have both become a part of and be the best wife that I can.