Just wait. It will be okay.

I have plenty of things that I need to write about right now. Satu is pulling out all of the girlfriend stops. She is looking adorable and fierce all of the time.

I mean seriously!! I can't even bring myself to filter this one because she is just BOMB AS HELL!

Also, she has been working almost non-stop on the art project that is for me to wear or eat or put on the wall/ bookshelf. Who knows. It is really exciting, but sometimes it means that I am not allowed in the room. I want to post all of the picture hints about this project, but I am going to wait until I can scrutinize them for new information. The nature of this thing is very mysterious. The only thing I can really be sure about is that it is probably everything.

Saturday at work I had a panic attack. It is pretty rare for me to have one during the day, but I was pretty far behind with school work and it has been really busy and stressful there, plus there are projects coming up that require money that I haven't made yet. All of this balls up in my head and turns into a panic attack with teeth and grey hair in the center. Satu came to the rescue immediately in her little grey ambulance. I imagine her speeding through traffic, cursing grandmothers and "handicrappers" on the way for driving the speed limit. "Move it nanna! My baby needs me!" She scooped me up and got me home. She just kept pushing my shoulders down from my ears and patting me on the leg until I finally started acting like a human again. 

I want to sit and write a little more about the mystery thing, the cat's crooked fuck you face and the wonderful person that my girlfriend is, but right now the hairy, toothy panic ball is a little too big. I have to divert my time to school and work, but it is not because I prefer to think about those things. I just don't want my sweet girlfriend to have to come scoop me up and drug me because I can't get my shit together. 

Just hang on baby, Better days and better posts are just around the corner. 

Before midnight

Writing down the little things in our daily lives is a way for me to remember some of the little things that keep surprising me about Satu. She likes to check in to see what has tickled me recently. I think it is her way of understanding how I see her. She is constantly surprising. For example, Saturday I brought home some Chinese food. It is not the first time I have ever done this, but it was the first time I have gotten a chance to see her collection of fortune cookie fortunes. She has a little box for them. God only knows where that lives. Inside the box are a bunch of little snack baggies full of fortunes labeled things like Huh?, doom and happy. I think the thing that strikes me most about this new thing that I have learned is not that she has been saving fortunes, but that she is able to make categories of these fairly random and disembodied phrases.
Who does this kind of thing? Only the most perfect woman in the world.

Mystery thing

Satu has a project. This is not unusual, she is usually in the process of becoming an expert on something new and creating wonderful things in our lives. She knows a lot about cigars, magic playing cards and coins among other interests that pop up daily. But right now she is full steam creating a present for me. I am excited beyond belief. It reminds me a lot of when I was a kid and I would stay up all night with my sister on Christmas eve, except Christmas eve is lasting forever and the suspense is just continuing to build.

Two nights ago, Satu thankfully was willing to answer some questions so that I could relieve some of this excitement by having a few hints about the mystery thing. She told me that she was just going to say yes to everything. I realize that this means that all the answers were meaningless, but still I FEEL like I now know some things.
Here is what I know based on the questions that I got right.
There is an involvement of glitter.
It is the size of yellow and also half the size of yellow and much smaller.
It is made of cloth, at least partially.
It is also made of paper, at least partially.
There is string, glue, paint, markers, printed things and cardboard letters.
It can be hung on the wall or from the ceiling.
It is a book.
It can fit on a bookshelf.
You can wear it.
One person can hold it in one hand or two, or two people can hold it with three hands. Mutants can also hold it with three hands.
It is portable.
If I saw it in the world, I would know what to call it.
It has a category.
It has something to do with ship flags.
It involves very tiny pixels.
It is a candle.
I want it. I inspired it.
It is everything.
It could be eaten.
It is VERY, VERY exciting.

Later when I have it either on my wall or I am wearing it or holding it with my three hands, I will post a picture of it and compare all of the things that I know about it with its real world self.

The gigantic 1%

I am not a careless person, but it is true that I don't notice much of my surroundings. I do one thing at a time, and that means that I only notice and think about one thing at a time. This is one of the things that makes me a good girlfriend and one of the things that makes me a bad girlfriend.
I only have room in my imagination to envision my life with Satu. None of the other fish in the sea matter at all. In fact, if Satu hadn't told me there was a sea, I probably would have forgotten.
Up side: Loyalty.
Down side: I only see about 1% of what goes on in my surroundings, and Satu is responsible for almost everything in my surroundings.
There are days when she has to take me by the hand and re-introduce me to the house I live in. Every few weeks I will notice something that I have seen for seven years and think that it is a new thing in our lives.
I say all of this because when I say that Satu has been busy, what I know about is probably only the tip of the iceberg. I am a hard person to live with. I don't close things, I don't notice when my shoes leak mud onto the floor and I usually just put things wherever I am when I happen to need a free hand for something else. Satu deals with all this and continuously pulls our home back from the event horizon that surrounds me.
Today, as I was burning up my brain cells on school work, Satu was getting the house ready for company (see exhibit 1.)

Exibit 1: Perfect hairball found at the event horizon
During the week Satu usually waits up for me and still gets up to feed our battle ax of a cat several times a night. She takes the recycling, picks up groceries and makes sure the dogs get out. When they get frozen paw syndrome and can't move anymore, she carries them back inside. She shovels snow like it is her superpower (see exhibit 2.)

Exhibit 2: snow ninja

Yesterday when I came home from work, Satu was so tired from shoveling that she just sat down in the road to let me into the driveway. I think that this may have been due less to the shoveling and more to the weight of clothing that she was wearing. Later in the evening when she peeled off the layers, the pile of clothes was bigger than she was. She is the most determined person that I know. Satu works beyond her abilities almost every day. She told me that in college she hurt her arms to the point where she had to use both hands to write. Did she ever consider not writing? Nope. Did she ever consider saying that she just couldn't finish the project? Nope, not her. Did she even slow down? Nope, she just used the power of pain to accelerate. 

I sometimes say that Satu has the heart of a lion, but in truth, the king of beasts bows to her quiet strength, I see it, and I only know about 1% of the story. 

What I look forward to

I got this picture from my lady earlier today

I love it not only because I love my two little idiot dogs, but because they are doing the thing that I want to be doing with Satu. They are just being,with no self awareness, close to each other and in exactly the right place. Home. I love going out and seeing the world, but what I really miss when I am gone are the quiet, easy times that we can have in our own home. 

I remember those times in my young life when I would stay up late with friends and talk all night. It is when you start to feel that the world is so much bigger than you are and the possibilities are endless, but you have this secret little place in time and space. Those times were exciting and hard to come by and eventually those people who shared that momentary perspective with you fade out of your life.

With Satu, I have that feeling anew every day. When I look at her, I feel like we are sharing some secret life that only we know about. She knows me in those moments like no one else in the world. We could be doing something that would seem ordinary to any other person, but somehow I feel so connected that I imagine us at the edge of this infinite and wonderful life together looking at things that no one else could see in the same way.

I don't honestly know if she ever gets the same feeling, but I feel it in my chest. It's physical, but it is unlike any other sensation I have ever had. When her eyes meet mine, worlds open. It almost hurts to feel everything passing through your chest, like you are disappearing into that one moment and your body is dissolving from the center. 

I am completely invested in this world. I follow that feeling because it is what I care about more than anything else in life. I know that other people love, in fact, I think that is the point of being human. But it still somehow feels impossible that anyone could have ever felt this before. It seems against all odds that we could have these moments together in such a random, stormy, confusing world full of people, And still, here we are, together, in the only real place in the world.

Valentines day and missing each other again

It is kind of understood at this point that Satu and I will be apart on Valentines day. In years past I have usually been TDY or deployed to somewhere incredibly unromantic. This year, however, I am with my mom, dad and sister because my mom's birthday was three days ago. Thankfully we are the kind of people who find romance in every day.
What is romance in our life?
1. It is the sense of humor with which Satu approaches everything. The playfulness and joy that she can create just by knowing when to be a little silly. Every once in a while I will be sitting in the living room doing some of my never ending homework and she will trot past the door with a surprised look on her face. Pause, she floats backwards as if some other force is acting on her. It is really fun to watch the simple little show she is putting on just by appearing and disappearing in my field of view.
2. Satu makes fire. I smother fire, even though there is nothing cozier to me than a roaring fireplace, the amber glow of candles and the earthy, woodsey smell of good incense. That is why if I have had  a hard day at work I can usually count on her to have a cozy room ready and a warm cup of tea.
3. Soft touches with the perfect weight. Never in my life has anyone touched me so carefully and comfortably. When she puts her hand on my leg or shoulder while we are winding down for bed, I feel instantly loved. She has the perfect touch.
4. The right words at the right time. Satu knows people better than anyone I have ever met, but she knows me better than I know myself. If I feel worried, she knows how to get me relaxed and out of my head. Sometimes she just finds the right princess movie to lighten things up. Sometimes she reads me fan fiction and we laugh over the childish daydreams and bad grammar.
5. The little big things. She makes coffee ahead of time. She wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the cat, both because she loves the cat and because she doesn't want me to have to do it. She turns off all of the lights that I leave on and has never broken up with me over it. She is free with her laughter, but spares the judgement always. She can play the clown when we both need a laugh. When I feel alone, she calls me honey bunny and it makes me explode with happiness. She sends me pictures of the family when I am working so that I can feel connected to home. It makes me feel less lost in the world.
So romance is a part of every day of our lives. It isn't about perfume, chocolate or glasses of wine, it is about being truly happy sharing the regular parts of our lives together. There is no other person in the world that I would rather spend those moments with. Our romance moments are everyday moments. Sure, I wish we could be together this Valentine's day, but it will still be Valentine's day when she puts her arms around me and welcomes me home.

Youtube is a mood altering drug

Yesterday I had to work late. Probably you have no idea how many nut channels a downstream fan case has or how long it takes to check the running torque of them all, but I can tell you that it is more than you think. It takes longer than you think and it took me longer than I thought. It is pretty typical for me to mis-underestimate the timeline for everything that I do. That is because when I am doing something, that is the only thing in my brain, so it seems like time doesn't matter.
Time does matter.
Time matters to Satu who looks forward to our time to reconnect on Saturday nights. This is usually our watch dumb TV, eat take out Indian food and laugh until we have to hold eachother's sides. But not last night. Last night when I finally dragged my ass home at 9pm empty handed, the mood was officially dead. The fire had burned out and so had the candles that she had lit 3 hours earlier when I was supposed to be home. In fact, the only thing smoldering when I got home was her temper.
We ate pizza in near silence and as a token of forgiveness she brought me a dove chocolate which made me feel hopeful, but it was still to early to get over my hugely disappointing tardiness.
It wasn't until we were curled up in bed that I remembered what an instantaneously happy thing it could be to pull up some youtube videos and just laugh together.
Yep, that did the trick. Thank god for short legged Japanese cats and dogs swimming in the air. Youtube saved the night and we curled up holding eachother's sides.