What I look forward to

I got this picture from my lady earlier today

I love it not only because I love my two little idiot dogs, but because they are doing the thing that I want to be doing with Satu. They are just being,with no self awareness, close to each other and in exactly the right place. Home. I love going out and seeing the world, but what I really miss when I am gone are the quiet, easy times that we can have in our own home. 

I remember those times in my young life when I would stay up late with friends and talk all night. It is when you start to feel that the world is so much bigger than you are and the possibilities are endless, but you have this secret little place in time and space. Those times were exciting and hard to come by and eventually those people who shared that momentary perspective with you fade out of your life.

With Satu, I have that feeling anew every day. When I look at her, I feel like we are sharing some secret life that only we know about. She knows me in those moments like no one else in the world. We could be doing something that would seem ordinary to any other person, but somehow I feel so connected that I imagine us at the edge of this infinite and wonderful life together looking at things that no one else could see in the same way.

I don't honestly know if she ever gets the same feeling, but I feel it in my chest. It's physical, but it is unlike any other sensation I have ever had. When her eyes meet mine, worlds open. It almost hurts to feel everything passing through your chest, like you are disappearing into that one moment and your body is dissolving from the center. 

I am completely invested in this world. I follow that feeling because it is what I care about more than anything else in life. I know that other people love, in fact, I think that is the point of being human. But it still somehow feels impossible that anyone could have ever felt this before. It seems against all odds that we could have these moments together in such a random, stormy, confusing world full of people, And still, here we are, together, in the only real place in the world.

Valentines day and missing each other again

It is kind of understood at this point that Satu and I will be apart on Valentines day. In years past I have usually been TDY or deployed to somewhere incredibly unromantic. This year, however, I am with my mom, dad and sister because my mom's birthday was three days ago. Thankfully we are the kind of people who find romance in every day.
What is romance in our life?
1. It is the sense of humor with which Satu approaches everything. The playfulness and joy that she can create just by knowing when to be a little silly. Every once in a while I will be sitting in the living room doing some of my never ending homework and she will trot past the door with a surprised look on her face. Pause, she floats backwards as if some other force is acting on her. It is really fun to watch the simple little show she is putting on just by appearing and disappearing in my field of view.
2. Satu makes fire. I smother fire, even though there is nothing cozier to me than a roaring fireplace, the amber glow of candles and the earthy, woodsey smell of good incense. That is why if I have had  a hard day at work I can usually count on her to have a cozy room ready and a warm cup of tea.
3. Soft touches with the perfect weight. Never in my life has anyone touched me so carefully and comfortably. When she puts her hand on my leg or shoulder while we are winding down for bed, I feel instantly loved. She has the perfect touch.
4. The right words at the right time. Satu knows people better than anyone I have ever met, but she knows me better than I know myself. If I feel worried, she knows how to get me relaxed and out of my head. Sometimes she just finds the right princess movie to lighten things up. Sometimes she reads me fan fiction and we laugh over the childish daydreams and bad grammar.
5. The little big things. She makes coffee ahead of time. She wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the cat, both because she loves the cat and because she doesn't want me to have to do it. She turns off all of the lights that I leave on and has never broken up with me over it. She is free with her laughter, but spares the judgement always. She can play the clown when we both need a laugh. When I feel alone, she calls me honey bunny and it makes me explode with happiness. She sends me pictures of the family when I am working so that I can feel connected to home. It makes me feel less lost in the world.
So romance is a part of every day of our lives. It isn't about perfume, chocolate or glasses of wine, it is about being truly happy sharing the regular parts of our lives together. There is no other person in the world that I would rather spend those moments with. Our romance moments are everyday moments. Sure, I wish we could be together this Valentine's day, but it will still be Valentine's day when she puts her arms around me and welcomes me home.

Youtube is a mood altering drug

Yesterday I had to work late. Probably you have no idea how many nut channels a downstream fan case has or how long it takes to check the running torque of them all, but I can tell you that it is more than you think. It takes longer than you think and it took me longer than I thought. It is pretty typical for me to mis-underestimate the timeline for everything that I do. That is because when I am doing something, that is the only thing in my brain, so it seems like time doesn't matter.
Time does matter.
Time matters to Satu who looks forward to our time to reconnect on Saturday nights. This is usually our watch dumb TV, eat take out Indian food and laugh until we have to hold eachother's sides. But not last night. Last night when I finally dragged my ass home at 9pm empty handed, the mood was officially dead. The fire had burned out and so had the candles that she had lit 3 hours earlier when I was supposed to be home. In fact, the only thing smoldering when I got home was her temper.
We ate pizza in near silence and as a token of forgiveness she brought me a dove chocolate which made me feel hopeful, but it was still to early to get over my hugely disappointing tardiness.
It wasn't until we were curled up in bed that I remembered what an instantaneously happy thing it could be to pull up some youtube videos and just laugh together.
Yep, that did the trick. Thank god for short legged Japanese cats and dogs swimming in the air. Youtube saved the night and we curled up holding eachother's sides.

The droids are back!!!!

And they are up to their old tricks.

I am pleased to report that the droids, who must have been scared into hiding by the move have finally come out and started to explore their world.
They were inspired by a little heart picture I drew on my hand. I guess they wanted to have their own heart and were willing to try to take one from our kitchen statue which we have named toxic clocks-a-lot.

It seems that they underestimated toxic clocks-a-lot and didn't make much of a plan. Consequently...

He guards his heart like my sweet girlfriend guards my tender heart. 

Fortunately, these mischievous little fellows never let their spirits fall. The very next day Satu found them trying to shave our cat!

When Satu interrupted the ambush they tried to make a quick get away. I guess they thought that she was upset about the razor, not the cat because they tried to return it hastily.     

               

Then they tucked themselves away in their cozy hiding place. I can't wait until they come back out to make another ruckus. I love them sooooo much and I am really glad they have come back out. 

Ebola pantry, rape whistles and foggy glasses

As with any close family, Satu and I are building that kind of history that leads to new language and quirks. Outsiders would most likely turn this show off in a few minutes, but to us we are a hilarious sitcom. We now have an Ebola pantry in the basement because I am scared of illness and the recent Ebola outbreak, no matter how distant flips my shit from time to time. Satu stocked away some dry goods so that while the rest of the world is living out scenes from "The Stand" we can eat oreos and cous cous. Whenever we run out of some staple, it can now be found in the ebola pantry.

Last night while we were in the Barnes ad Noble, we saw that among their Christmas gift offerings was a genuine US Army survival kit. It included a cheap compass, canteen, some manner of handbook (probably titled hooah) and some other child sized military nick knacks. I remarked that there was no Marine Corps survival kit which I am sure simply contains a flask and a rape whistle. The rape whistle of course doesn't work, when you blow into it it just titters yoo-hoo. Clearly there is not much funnier than an off color rape joke, especially if it has some background in your bitter military experience. We have been giggling and shouting yoo hoo at each other all night.

Then there is this little off hand comment that struck me so funny I had to kneel down on the sidewalk. Satu and I were out walking out dogs one evening she was wearing a cute little hat and her usual petite, well cut jacket and I was wearing a stocking cap with a little ball on the top. Gosh she says, I hope we don't seem like thugs, do we look like trouble? No, I assured her that we were probably not going to be targets for a drive by while we are out walking two fat dogs. "Well", she said "I sure hope I don't have to cut a bitch because my glasses are all fogged." This is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard her say. I giggle about it all the time partly because she is such a tiny, proper sweet little thing, and partly because I know that absolutely, without a doubt she will cut a bitch if she has to.

You've been hit by.. you've been struck by... Cold Genitals.

Since moving into our new place here in the city, we have given up our tiny little back yard and have had to walk our poor little dogs several times a day. This time of year that means getting all bundled up and skiing behind Gimmie in hot pursuit of squirrels and bunnies. He apparently hates small furry animals. There can be only one!

My idea of bundling up involves putting a sweatshirt over whatever I slept in and finding dry shoes. Satu on the other hand has a process. There are layers that have to go on in a certain order. Sweatpants will never do. There is a scarf wrapping process so elaborate, it must have its roots in some ancient Japanese ceremony and there are choices to be made concerning hats. Usually the dogs and I wait at the back door for a few minutes getting acclimated to the freeze and tangling and untangling ourselves while the process wraps up.

I did not know that sometimes layering involves the construction of an extra warm layer called the vagina guard. Satu explained that the key to a warm heart is a warm hoo hoo and belted out a chorus of her new theme song. You've been hit by... you've been struck by... cold genitals. We laughed and laughed all the way around the block with our untrained, poorly behaved, but very sweet dogs singing that classic Michael Jackson tune and holding each other up.

Winter has come way too early this year. We still have warm weather projects to finish and I am a slow study with the fireplace. Satu however can coax a roaring fire out of ashes that have been sitting overnight. I honestly think that she just wills fire into being. She is trying her best to keep me warm though and I can honestly say that her embrace is the warmest place in the world. There is no where in the world that I would rather be.

Never not funny

My girlfriend has an uncanny ability to take any situation and find the dark humor somewhere within it. I find everything about her amusing even, unfortunately, her anger. Don't get me wrong, it is scary when a little fireball like Satu gets angry, but it is also hilarious to see a 100 pound woman stomp as if she was any ogre or raise both her eyebrows into a withering, soul burning, piercing stare.

This has been a very busy week, When Satu hasn't been up early to let the floor guys into the house, I have been up late having unreasonable panic attacks. One of the things I look forward to the most is the little moments when she looks at me lovingly and strips down to her socks and moon walks.  Those are the moments that I know are just for me, but make me so proud to be with the most wonderful, sexy, beautiful, funny, sweet, loving woman in the world.