Awkward moments on early dates.

1. Drooling:
One morning Satu and I were out shopping on the weekend. As sometimes happens, when she goes into her purse for something, she sometimes pulls out a little treat to offer me. It is always WONDERFUL to get a surprise candy. On this particular day we had pulled up in front of the bookstore and when Satu was done wrestling with her purse, her hand emerged with a piece of chocolate. I'm sure my eyes bugged out with delight. Usually there is a tic tac in her hand, or sometimes a lifesaver, but chocolate!? CHOCOLATE! She asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate and when I opened my mouth to say yes please, I drooled onto my shirt. Just an unrecoverable big drip of greedy drool. We laughed for a good while and she still gave me  the chocolate.

2. Hitting myself in the face with her car:
 On one of our earliest dates, we went to the neighborhood diner for a very late night meal. I can only do one thing at a time and since our relationship was really fresh, it took all of my focus to just deal with being in love. When it was time to get in the car, I opened the passenger side door directly into my forehead. Hard. Satu saw the whole thing, but to spare me embarrassment, she pretended that she didn't know what happened. She nudged me into the seat and took me home to ice the goose egg growing above my eye. It was a year later when she confessed to seeing the whole thing and holding in her laughter.

3. Accidental crying:
I am an accidental crier. You never know when it is going to happen. Romantic comedy? Yes. Quiet dinner in a public place? Yes to both happy crying or sudden melancholia. Sappy songs? Check. Break a lamp? Lots of tears. Pretty much unstoppable.
I am not sure why I was crying that day on Satu's couch. Perhaps I was happy, perhaps I was sad or hungry or cold or the wind was blowing to the north east. I cry. I am an emotional house of cards. My dog Sassy worries about this, and as Satu and I were talking our way through whatever emotional landmine she had stepped on, Sassy (who is almost as big as Satu) climbed up on the couch and sat on her chest. This turned the conversation into instant laughing. The best way to make me stop crying is to make me laugh. What a good dog.

4. Not a good gentleman
Satu was meeting my friends Michael and Julia for the first time and we chose a breezy night and a poorly heated coffee shop. Since it was an early date, Satu did not want to ruin the allure of her pretty outfit with a coat. She spent an hour freezing and shaking and when she finally asked if I had anything warm in my truck, I said yes, but it was too ugly to put on her. It took a lot of convincing for me to offer her the uniform flight jacket that still had the smell of JP8 and Iraq all over it, but when I brought it to her, she snuggled up in it like a little kitten.

We continue to have awkward moments because I am an awkward girl, but they are opportunities to laugh with each other, not times to worry about. Satu knows that I will never be smooth or mysterious, and as good as those qualities can be, I guess she also likes happy and honest and loyal and emotional. Praise the Lord.

Thunder girlfriend

Thundershirt! What a wonderful invention. I am a very physical animal, so when my body is comfortable, my mind eventually catches up.

Here is a thundershirt on a really pretty dog

This is what I would probably look like if I was a dog in a thunderstorm.

I don't bite, but I get all wound up and ready to explode.

Satu has had me figured out since we met. She knows exactly how to be calming and exactly how to be agitating if need be. I think she got the idea to apply pressure when I am ramping up to a panic attack from listening to Temple Grandin talk about her squeeze box (honestly, another brilliant and wonderful sounding invention.) I don't know really where the inspiration came from, but it I am very lucky to have a girlfriend so clued into how I work.

Generally a panic attack starts like this. I'm asleep, then awake, then confused and my heart starts to pound.
I get up to pace a little, which doesn't help, but it keeps me from feeling trapped. By the time I come downstairs, I look like I just got out of the dryer, all bunched up and hot and still a little moist. Satu talks to me in a calming voice and gets me to either sit or lay down someplace quiet. Then she presses on the center of my chest a little. That has the same effect on me that it does on a lot of dogs. It makes my brain think about, well, I guess about nothing. I just feel happy. Whenever the shaking quiets down, Satu drapes herself on me like a warm thundershirt. There is nothing in the world more centering than wrapping my arms around her and relaxing into that perfect pressure.

Ahhh. Thundergirlfriend.

What it think is also a little telling is how 180 degrees opposite Satu is about this, but she can still understand me and keep me calm. When she is agitated, she can't be touched, she has to be talked to and distracted entirely with her mind. She plays games on the computer or does crosswords, but touching her makes her feel trapped. We are an odd pair of animals that have found a common place to curl up together. I am a dog, loyal and trusting and happy hearted and she is a lion-hearted bird, unique to the world, curious and strong. What a wonderful kingdom of animals live here in our home.

Valentines Day

People always like to pretend that they don't care about Valentine's Day because it's commercial and forced... blah...blah... blah. I say that any time you get to spend just focusing on the love in your life is time well spent. Take the excuse. Eat good food and be naked. Do that as much as you can.

Truly, I think that this is one of the things that makes me a happy, grateful and satisfied person.

I believe in love. I believe it is the reason we all live.

I cry during all romantic comedies because I hate that part where people who are meant to be together lose each other

We took advantage of the holiday yesterday.

I planned to get Satu "William Shakespere's Star Wars," but when it came in the mail on Wednesday, it was so small that I figured that it would not be good for Valentines Day. She needs to know that I have a huge love for her.

Not one to delay either giving or receiving gifts, I gave the book to her on Wednesday. On Friday after work, the plan was to get some fuel for our stove and then get some flowers and really nice fillets for Valentines dinner on the way home. Unfortunately it took me hours to find a place that had pellets in stock. By the time I got home with the fuel and the tasty chow and flowers, it was too late to get the flowers hung from the ceiling and the notes wrapped around the stems like I had planned. Satu was already awake and **Hallelujah**  in the tub.

I got into bed to sleep the day away.

When I woke up, Satu had pulled the steaks out to rest. She knows about things like that.

She pulled out a surprise bottle of one of our favorite wines that she had been saving for months and poured us each a glass. Soooo wonderful.

Then she whipped up the most perfect steak dinner that history has ever known. For real.

Just before we settled in to our romantic dinner, she gave me my gift. There are two main parts:

Part one:

I saw this card in our local grocery last week and it really made me feel hopeful. Even Hallmark knows that love is precious wherever it is found.
Satu went back and conspicuously selected this card for me a midst a crowd of grandmothers and fathers looking for the right sentiments for their young people.

Then there was the TI 84 plus..

Absolutely glorious!! I would have never splurged on one for myself, but I am so thrilled to finally have a nice calculator.I couldn't believe it!! I am learning how to use all the awesome features now.

And finally there is this

After dinner Satu rolled out a desert surprise. Homemade chocolate covered strawberries. Not having much of a sweet tooth herself, Satu went through hours of confectionery, sticky hell to make this happen.  She went to three different stores for edible glitter and heart sprinkles. The strawberries were awesome. In fact, today she came down and saw my plate of strawberry tops and asked innocently which two I had eaten and if I liked them.
I had eaten 5. Yes I liked them and I liked the ones that looked like Chewbacca the best. Just call me glitter teeth ok? I am happier than I have ever been.
Finally, a Valentines day together in our own home.
The rest of the night is a secret. A wonderful, warm, sexxxy secret. I am so lucky.

Dear Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

My girlfriend has the heart of a lion, but right now it is unpredictable.Please take her seriously.

 She knows her body and you can believe whatever she says. She will seem fearless, because she controls her emotions carefully, but she wouldn't be in your paper gown if she wasn't worried. Listen to her heartbeat and then listen to what she says. She is loved more than you can imagine and the world needs her in it.

Please don't wait for something to go really wrong before you care about her. I love her now and I want to tell her that every day. You may not understand how wonderful she is, but I assure you that you have never met someone with a stronger, more beautiful, loving heart. If she brings it to you, practice your craft as if her heart was your greatest work of art.

I know that Satu will be OK. She is young, healthy and unbelievably willful, but it doesn't keep me from worrying about her. I can not even imagine a different life than the one that we share together. I want to keep it full of happiness, laughter and the strong, rhythmic beating of both of our hearts.

Yep it's winter

My girlfriend knows how to deal with winter. She has boots, she has scarves and 4 wheel drive. She plans cozy meals and tea to keep us warm.

I however, feel completely lost. I don't know how many shirts are appropriate for 20 degree weather or in which order you should put them on. I just want to put my cold hands on her somewhere and snuggle up in our bed. 

I do have these awesome new wool slippers that she gave me for Christmas and a heated blanket that I think of as home base in the mornings. Because she is afraid of our pellet stove, Satu always turns the heat down at night, so when I get home in the mornings, the downstairs is frozen. The dogs have learned that they can sleep on the bed with Satu if they just wait for her to fall asleep first. The cat just curls up on the other side and everyone is happy. By the time I come to bed, I have to kick off two dogs and wrestle my girlfriend away from the cat, but she always heats me right up. 

When Satu sleeps, her body temperature goes up about 10 degrees. It happens almost as soon as she falls asleep, which is weird since she is always cold when she is awake. The main reason that I am glad that we ended up in Ohio is that I get more snuggle time than I would have gotten otherwise.

Yep, it's winter and our home is cozy warm.

Just thinking about how lucky I am

Right now my girlfriend is in Lawrence visiting her family and bringing home some delicious Freestate beer for us. I can't believe how lucky I am. Out of all the people Satu could be with, she chose me and continues to choose me every day. When I am difficult and clumsy she doesn't just throw me back to the wild, she's so gentle with my tender feelings.

There is nothing in the world more compelling than her kisses. She is playful, funny and so beautiful that I couldn't have dreamed up someone who captivates me more. After five years, I still daydream about the woman that I get to come home to. I don't know anyone in the world who has it this good.

Sleeping beauty

Finally we live together and we have a few precious hours a day together. It has been so long since I have opened my front door and really felt at home. Now I can come home to my own family even if my sweet girl is asleep because I have a very impractical work schedule. Third shift is not easy, but I am still happy to have this fresh new start with Satu in a new town. Today at work I met the new inspector that they hired. He left neuroscience research to work there. That is in addition to a NASA R&D engineer, a biochemist, an accountant and a variety of other folks with colorful backgrounds. I have put all my eggs in this one basket, but at least it is a colorful basket.
I can be happy working almost anywhere as long as it is not boring and overly full of drama, but my biggest hope is that Satu will make a better, more fulfilling life here for herself. As much as I love her and can't wait to come home to her every day, this whole thing will be a failure if she doesn't find some satisfaction in her life.
I think we all look for meaning in life and we all want to leave some kind of mark on the larger world. Satu especially feels a need to reach out, but she keeps reigning her hopes back in so that she can be responsible. She is a genius. The best parts of the world deserve her input and she deserves to feel at home in the world like I feel when I come home to her. I don't think that is as much about being famous or appreciated in the moment as it is about doing what you feel called to do. I hope that she will find something that engages her mind and inspires her. I hope I hope I hope my sleeping beauty will find a happy home here too.