Oddly, it is when things are the best that anxiety kicks in and I worry that I don't deserve my beautiful wife or that I am at my best moment in time and will never feel this lucky again. What if I miss this? What if I'm not good enough?
As difficult as my brain and my weird chemicals can be, as crippling and uncomfortable, I understand them. I know myself like this.
Right before I left the Marine Corps, I started to have terrible, night time panic attacks. Partly, I think it was the stress of more responsibility at work, partly it was the helplessness of being stuck in a terrible squadron and partially it was finding a life that felt like me and mattered for the first time in years,
Today it is spring in Ohio. The first flowers (crockus) showed up overnight and announced themselves. I felt like me again. Not the sad or panicky me, but the me that felt optimism and pleasure just sitting in the sunshine. I began to think maybe I could just not take any anxiety medicine.
Maybe I could just hold on to this spring day in my heart and be the emotional, but predictable person that my wife fell in love with. Maybe I can experience sex again and the way that my body used to buzz with desire.
Then I crashed. I put food in my body which always makes me feel tense lately and then the sun set. When Satu came home I was already starting to feel a little swing in my mood. The beer I started in the sunshine felt like a celebration when I opened it, but felt heavy before I finished it. Instead of being fun for Satu, I cried. Then I felt selfish and stupid for being sad in front of her.
When I started this post I felt like I did when Satu and I had first started dating and I was waiting for her to come over. My heart open and excited.
Why doesn't that feeling ever stay now? The happier I feel during the day, the worse I feel at night. I hate having to sneak off to a quiet room to get my shaking under control. Right now I feel like Satu deserves someone less complicated and I am worried that I am blowing it.
I took the medicine this morning. I hope it works. I just want to feel like myself and not be the kind of complicated person that you'd rather avoid. I also need to sleep. Last night was the second, almost completely sleepless night. The more of those I have, the farther I feel like I get from my real self.
Satu, please just stay in love with me long enough for this boat to hit the smooth water again. It's going to be okay. These crazy emotional storms are kind of like when we were dating though. I'd be working my boring job and suddenly get overwhelmed by an un-anchored emotion. Then it would wash away.
How do I get back to a me that feels right without coloring over all the blue skies and the spring flowers that feel so good and without being a see-saw when I see the one person I love more than anything? I don't want to keep sleeping alone while she is lonely in the house too.
Maybe I could just hold on to this spring day in my heart and be the emotional, but predictable person that my wife fell in love with. Maybe I can experience sex again and the way that my body used to buzz with desire.
Then I crashed. I put food in my body which always makes me feel tense lately and then the sun set. When Satu came home I was already starting to feel a little swing in my mood. The beer I started in the sunshine felt like a celebration when I opened it, but felt heavy before I finished it. Instead of being fun for Satu, I cried. Then I felt selfish and stupid for being sad in front of her.
When I started this post I felt like I did when Satu and I had first started dating and I was waiting for her to come over. My heart open and excited.
Why doesn't that feeling ever stay now? The happier I feel during the day, the worse I feel at night. I hate having to sneak off to a quiet room to get my shaking under control. Right now I feel like Satu deserves someone less complicated and I am worried that I am blowing it.
I took the medicine this morning. I hope it works. I just want to feel like myself and not be the kind of complicated person that you'd rather avoid. I also need to sleep. Last night was the second, almost completely sleepless night. The more of those I have, the farther I feel like I get from my real self.
Satu, please just stay in love with me long enough for this boat to hit the smooth water again. It's going to be okay. These crazy emotional storms are kind of like when we were dating though. I'd be working my boring job and suddenly get overwhelmed by an un-anchored emotion. Then it would wash away.
How do I get back to a me that feels right without coloring over all the blue skies and the spring flowers that feel so good and without being a see-saw when I see the one person I love more than anything? I don't want to keep sleeping alone while she is lonely in the house too.
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