50 pounds of power in a 5 pound package

Satu is at once the smallest and the mightiest person that I have ever met. Not only does she have the heart of a lion, she can also act as brave, as bold and as protective as a lion.

Satu is so small that I sometimes lose her in the bed. The other night I came in an patted the sheets lovingly and said " I love...you're not here are you?" Then I heard her flush and wobble back to bed in that way she does when she's tired. She kind of lets her head pull her forward and it often takes her on a turn to the right before she catches her balance. Then she puts her chin down and her hands out and pin balls her way to bed bouncing off walls and furniture until she lands in bed. 

I have never been with someone smaller than me before,which seems strange because I am a giant woman with great big square hands and clown feet. Or, maybe I am a normal sized woman with some muscles, but whatever. It is hard to know. 

Satu is, without question, the most bold, brave, powerful woman I have ever known. She will tell you that she is not because she is humble, but just because she isn't forceful doesn't mean that she's not powerful. Satu acts. She does not dither. She does not shake or second guess. She does not play the fool or defer. She knows when she is right and does not apologize for it. She does not, as they say, take any guff. 

It is strange to me that so much power can come in such a small package, but I think that her size kind of gives her an advantage. You never see it coming until she fixes her sharp, clear eyes on you. I don't think anyone can look in those eyes and still think straight. She stops my heart in my chest when I catch her eyes. 

Satu is the kind of person that people remember years later because they had a chance encounter and she said the right thing because she could tell how they felt. She doesn't even know she has the effect that she does. If you ask her, she will tell you that she is nothing special, but she will look at you with those beautiful eyes and it will put the whole world on pause. Her voice is so rich and comforting and her touch has the perfect weight. 

Satu is the most beautiful, most powerful and most comforting woman I have ever met. And all that in a body so small that she gets lost in the bed. 

Smooth Jams

We are now at the point in our lives where I think we are actually considered people's "older friends." We hope that we are the cool older friends, but it is hard to know. There have been a few late nights in the ten minutes before we fall asleep in each others arms when we just laugh uncontrollably at the distance between us and the world around us.

One of my much younger lesbian friends at work attempted to connect in a meaningful way with me by asking if Satu and I like the same music and dialing up the 90's alternative station on pandora so we could talk about The Cure and Siouxie and the Banshees. When I told Satu about this, she bubbled over with joy. I think we probably woke the neighbors laughing about bands that we grew up with. Satu says I should have told her that we enjoy listening to smooth jams together. When I woke up this morning, she had left an old CD on the counter for me. I laughed and laughed. 

More than you might think I try to remember what I was like when I was younger and the world seemed so different. War was not ever something I thought about. I never felt connected to the world the way I do now that have found real love in my life. In my younger days I felt like my life was something that was happening to me.Right now, it is different. I feel like my life with Satu is something that we are doing together. 

I don't care if we are people's cool older friends or if we are just living in our own little world. I care that we are stepping forever closer to each other. Right now, connecting is really hard. Both of us spend so much time alone or working that those little moments when we laugh ourselves to sleep mean everything to me. I wish that they could carry Satu through the disconnected times as well, but I think it is much harder for her. I can carry moments with me better than she can. It is what makes me really slow to let go of the past and her mostly living in the moment. I know that our lives together will be full of midnight laughter and quiet Saturday mornings, I just hope that in the moments when she is lonely that Satu knows that too.