How the postal service has caused Satu to question my love.

Our mail service is reliably bad here in Shaker Heights. Our neighbors often make rounds after the carrier to exchange mail to the correct home and it is never handled with care. My father once sent me a package of blueberry preserves that were a cobbler by the time I opened the box, so when the carrier left a little pink card, it was accompanied by a little package of dread in my heart.

Satu of course was elated with the sense of possibility. She loves any surprise, but a gift in the mail is one of those rare, wonderful things that makes life worth living. What could it be?? Her auntie had unfortunately just guessed at the postage, so the Post Office was going to hold the package for ransom until I showed up with a sweaty dollar bill and some change and stood in their pre-Christmas line for an hour.

Presents are important, so I agreed to embark on this hero's journey for my love, but even before I left home, I suspected this would not be a simple errand. The post office that is closest to us is, of course, not the one on the card, but like all government buildings it is set up to create chaos. The entrance is set up at an angle to the intersection so that one instinctively goes in the exit before realizing that an angry hoard of drivers around the corner will be coming at you, swerving and giving you the finger. Once inside the building, that was a mile from my home, I turned over the little pink card and discovered the address to a post office a few miles away.

I love Satu and want to see her smile and enjoy her surprise, and more than that, I hate the crushing weight of her disappointment, so I soon found myself entering the exit only drive of a second post office. I still had an hour before I had to leave for work, so I cued up behind a VERY old gentleman who's wife had sent him out for a book of stamps (on December 21st!!!). I guess that's how you get to be a 90 year old bald guy with translucent spotty skin and still be married. This little observation confirmed for me that I was making a worthy sacrifice for the love of my life. Ahead of me were two people trying to figure out passports and many sending off Christmas offerings to their families. One very pissy looking broad was sending a package of M&Ms and Skittles to some folks overseas. A little feat of kindness that would cost her much more than the price of the candy.

When it was finally my turn, the very tired looking woman called me over and took my pink card and ball of money. She disappeared into the back for 10 minutes and then emerged saying she had no luck finding the package, but had handed the card off to one of the guys in the back who would locate it for me. I could see only his feet through the window as he shuffled very slowly from shelf to shelf. I was directed to wait at the end of the counter for the man who would never emerge.

I had to tell my wife that I had failed to return with her package. She assumed that this is because I don't truly love her enough and reminded me how often she does nice things for me. This is true, and I feel lucky, but I think we both knew that the post office was too chaotic for me to have even a remote chance at success.

This Christmas, I wish for two things. 1. The miraculous recovery of my wife's gift so that she will somehow realize that I loved her all along and 2. to be looking at a future where my wife will send my old stooped, wrinkled butt out in the cold to bring back a book of stamps.

exceptional life

I think most people, Satu included, worry that they will leave no mark on the world, or that their lives will be inextinguishable from the masses. I think that I am generally happier and more satisfied with life because I don't worry about that at all. I know that the love that I feel every day is exceptional. Most people do not get to feel the kind of fullness that I do when I look at her beautiful eyes. I don't worry about leaving a mark on the world because I live the kind of life that Kings would sell their souls for. I have a real connection with the one person in the world who could love me as I am. What could be a greater pursuit than the love that I have for my wife? Nothing. If I had to choose between knowing the secrets of the universe and knowing Satu, I would chose Satu. Instantly, without question.

Funny little animal

My girl is a funny little animal. Last week I brought some snack crackers to bed.( I like to eat things in bed that make a lot of crumbs.) Satu grabbed as many as she could in her little fists and ran off with them down the hallway. It looked like this.

She can fold up like a little mouse and not be seen, she can look at you like a cat and she can dance like a blue footed boobie. Every day I feel like I love her more and more. Even though she has all of these little animal things that she does, I think I may be more wild than she is . She just knows all of the world's creatures really well, especially me. 

She knows when I need chocolate and when I need pats to make me feel better. Satu can always say just the right thing, or find just the right time to make me laugh when I need it. I hope that I do the same for her even though I don't have the same understanding of the world that she does. 

Satu has the sweet, good-natured innocence of a quiet little forest creature, yet all of the fury of a lion when she wants to. She is loyal and kind and honest. I hope that we will have this little burrow together for years and years. 

Htched!!!

This is a picture of us trying to figure out how to hold hands and show off our wedding rings. I feel a little obsessed with my ring. I keep looking at it and thinking about how lucky I am to have built this wonderful life with Satu. This week Satu's sister who is an Episcopal priest came up to make us legal. My sister came to witness and we said our vows here in the living room.

As informal as the whole thing was, it still choked me up. The dog was sniffing me the whole time and my nose was running and threatening to make our wedding kiss very memorable. Satu just smiled her beautiful smile and held my hand very sweetly. Still, after eight years, whenever our eyes meet it sends an electric pulse to my heart.

I do feel different somehow. I am not sure why having this ring on my finger adds depth to my feelings for Satu, but it does. When she calls me her wife it makes my heart stop for a minute. We have barely had a moment to ourselves since Saturday, but these few days have been full of contemplating Satu as my wife.

Being married makes me feel more relaxed, but not settled. I feel renewed, almost as if we are just starting to date which is odd since Satu knows me better than any person in the world. I just want to live up to this great institution that we have both become a part of and be the best wife that I can.

droids run amok

I could be updating this blog about all of the things that have happened since my last post like getting our marriage license and my awesome birthday prezzie (more on that later.) We are working on a business plan and we have a new kitty living with us. However, all of that has to take back page to the return of the droids.

As Satu will tell you, the droids made an appearance while I was at work the other day. They can often be found milling about with random objects or plotting some elaborate raid on the Naga, so it wasn't unusual to see them carrying the plastic shot glass top to a saki bottle.

 What was unusual is to find Dish Squid wearing the bottle cap as if he had been officially drafted into the lampshade brotherhood.

Though, I will admit that he looks very handsome in his new hat, and it is not unlike him to squeeze into all, or part of a bottle, this seems a little set up to me. Squid is not a trouble maker and he usually avoids the droids when they are acting out. 

If this was their only action that day, then there wouldn't be much to write about, but Squid was clearly tipsy and I am sorry to say that when squid gets drunk, he tells the most awful knock knock jokes. Toxic clocks a lot was totally over it by the time squid finally fell asleep.

These guys were found spilling out of the liquor cabinet and most of them were scrambling for bits and pieces that they had scattered about in their festivities. They tried to casually wrap things up when they were discovered, but as they weaved toward their drawer in the storage chest, this one pitched over and puked on our floor.

Not to be outdone, this one shit his pants.

Though we did get everyone tucked in safely, they have been very quiet since the party. In fact, yesterday, I heard one of them make a defeated hissing sound as he passed the liquor cabinet and turn a very pale shade of green.

Theater Ninja Birthday

     Yesterday was Satu's 45th birthday and she seemed a little down about it at first. Usually she celebrates whole-heartedly since it is a holiday that is dedicated just to her and her life, but I think she is feeling a bit isolated and down. As much as I know that she loves me, it is never enough to just have one person in your life. We haven't quite made any friends here or found something that we can do with other people. I hope that, now that it is spring we can find some excuses to do more social things.
     Anyway last night we had a lovely dinner at the restaurant that is quickly becoming our new spot. Then we went to see a local theater company do an original production called "The Turing Machine." I am kind of a skeptic about local theater, I don't want to get trapped accidentally watching a one woman show about directing traffic or something, but this was surprisingly well written, clever and interesting. Gradually over the night her mood shifted, as it usually does when she is around inventive people and visually interesting things. When we were there, Satu expressed a few times how she was interested in becoming a part of that artist space.
     I admire Satu for the way that she sees the world and how willing she is to really develop her ideas when she gets into a project. I hope that she will make a place for herself among the artists there because as much as the world deserves to see what she does, what she really does best is connect with people. She is one of those thoughtful, kind, intelligent people who can make a real difference in people's lives just by being herself. It is not like her to live in a vacuum, and as much as I can be greedy about her attention, I love to see her full of the ideas and energy that she gets from being around other creative people.

Poof! Cookie!

It may seem like a small thing, but I love to watch Satu eat. Her table manners are really a good display of who she is in all aspects of her life. She is so neat and perfect. Her clothes are tidy, her office supplies are arranged in containers of appropriate shapes, her handwriting is beautiful and she eats as if cutting food is an art that she has actually studied for years. She pushes perfectly portioned cuts of this and that together and piles it neatly on the back of her fork, never letting a pea or an olive escape. I like the dainty perfect way that she eats so much that I try to do it too, but I am not an artist like she is. It may be a weird thing to admire, but just take a look at exhibits 1 and 2. I feel like a caveman sometimes because she does everything so well and I am so haphazard with everything.
I think that the difference here is patience. Satu is a patient person and likes to invest the time in doing things right. I am a scattered person and like to leave my car keys in the refrigerator if that is where I happen to be when I realize that I am still holding them. Only a truly good person like Satu could live with all of this chaos and still make me feel good about myself.

Exhibits 1 and 2: My hard boiled egg debris and hers. ( note: I ate both of my eggs before she started peeling the second one.)

The most wonderful woman in the world

I am so happy to have Satu back at home. She was only gone for a few days, but as it turns out, I feel lost when she is away. I don't know if other couples experience this the same way, or even if Satu feels it the same, but she is so much a part of my life that it seems like I am not really myself when she is away. When she walked back into the home, the life came back with her.
You know those times when you feel like you can't get a full breath? You are breathing fine, but just not enough,and nothing is satisfying. When Satu comes home, or when I get to come home to her, it is like finally taking a satisfying breath.
I feel so grateful to sleep next to her. I feel known, understood and completely accepted. When she gave me the Everything is Going to Be Okay book, I felt a little overwhelmed seeing exactly how well she knows and understands me. As much as the different projects in the book show how her brain works and the brilliant connections and visual ideas that she can make, it also shows how she knows me. Every page is like someone saying exactly the thing that you need to hear at the exact right moment. I hear all of the kind words in her voice and I especially love the whimsical creatures that she included because they seem like each of them has a little bit of her personality. The seahorse has that curious and magical look on his face like she gets when she explores her world. The little bear and his friend on the top of the mountain are little shy, but kind-hearted creatures, and the blue footed boobies dance like we do.
Yesterday, Satu showed me how they dance. She did it perfectly, arching her back and swooshing the air around her with her outstretched wings. Then she settled back in to her center and bobbed just a little from side to side, gathering herself before lifting one blue foot into the air with her tail feathers pointed to the sky. It was absolutely perfect. It made me laugh and laugh. It is so wonderful to get to laugh like that, totally in the little fantasy that she created. To an outsider it probably would have seemed as strange as any two wild creatures could be, but here, in our happy nest, it is just another day with the most wonderful woman in the world.

Everything is Going to be Okay

Today I got the best gift anyone has ever given to me. Satu revealed the project that she has been working on for me for the last few months and it is better than I could have imagined. She found a book called "Everything is Going to be Okay," and has spent months adding to it little hand drawn, clever pictures and cutouts that make it about me and to me. There are too many wonderful bits in this book to cover in one post, so I plan to take it a page at a time and write about where these wonderful characters came from and how she worked to make it truly a piece of art.

Here is one of the pages she made just for me.

This is a map of my native wetlands. She knows my heart so well that she can map it from memory. Satu says that she says good night to me even when I am not home. I feel like she is the only one in the world who could know my heart like this, and wherever she is is the only home I want. 

Today is April 13, 2015 and it is now the day that should be our anniversary. I think that no ceremony or day or occasion of any kind could be more of a testament to love than the gift that she gave me this afternoon.

Everything is going to be okay.

I put this bullshit here.

Hey, hey you, what are you doing? I put this bullshit here. Right here.

I SAID, I PUT THIS BULLSHIT HERE!

So much sunshine per square inch

Last night I came home to a wonderful surprise. My sweet girl got me a bottle of fancy jasmine bath salts and with it I found this card.

She has started to leave special six hour tea lights on for me when she goes to bed so that I can come home to a warmly lit, safe feeling bedroom. It helps me if I wake up with a light on, but it also helps me feel loved to go to sleep that way, surrounded by slowly dancing amber shadows.

Last week we had a visit from her family which was fun, I like them, but I much prefer to have her all to myself. It really made me feel thankful for our quiet little nest and the happy times that we spend around each other. 

Our little home is my favorite place on earth. Satu fills it with delicious smells and laughter. I can not imagine a better life for us. 

Just wait. It will be okay.

I have plenty of things that I need to write about right now. Satu is pulling out all of the girlfriend stops. She is looking adorable and fierce all of the time.

I mean seriously!! I can't even bring myself to filter this one because she is just BOMB AS HELL!

Also, she has been working almost non-stop on the art project that is for me to wear or eat or put on the wall/ bookshelf. Who knows. It is really exciting, but sometimes it means that I am not allowed in the room. I want to post all of the picture hints about this project, but I am going to wait until I can scrutinize them for new information. The nature of this thing is very mysterious. The only thing I can really be sure about is that it is probably everything.

Saturday at work I had a panic attack. It is pretty rare for me to have one during the day, but I was pretty far behind with school work and it has been really busy and stressful there, plus there are projects coming up that require money that I haven't made yet. All of this balls up in my head and turns into a panic attack with teeth and grey hair in the center. Satu came to the rescue immediately in her little grey ambulance. I imagine her speeding through traffic, cursing grandmothers and "handicrappers" on the way for driving the speed limit. "Move it nanna! My baby needs me!" She scooped me up and got me home. She just kept pushing my shoulders down from my ears and patting me on the leg until I finally started acting like a human again. 

I want to sit and write a little more about the mystery thing, the cat's crooked fuck you face and the wonderful person that my girlfriend is, but right now the hairy, toothy panic ball is a little too big. I have to divert my time to school and work, but it is not because I prefer to think about those things. I just don't want my sweet girlfriend to have to come scoop me up and drug me because I can't get my shit together. 

Just hang on baby, Better days and better posts are just around the corner. 

Before midnight

Writing down the little things in our daily lives is a way for me to remember some of the little things that keep surprising me about Satu. She likes to check in to see what has tickled me recently. I think it is her way of understanding how I see her. She is constantly surprising. For example, Saturday I brought home some Chinese food. It is not the first time I have ever done this, but it was the first time I have gotten a chance to see her collection of fortune cookie fortunes. She has a little box for them. God only knows where that lives. Inside the box are a bunch of little snack baggies full of fortunes labeled things like Huh?, doom and happy. I think the thing that strikes me most about this new thing that I have learned is not that she has been saving fortunes, but that she is able to make categories of these fairly random and disembodied phrases.
Who does this kind of thing? Only the most perfect woman in the world.

Mystery thing

Satu has a project. This is not unusual, she is usually in the process of becoming an expert on something new and creating wonderful things in our lives. She knows a lot about cigars, magic playing cards and coins among other interests that pop up daily. But right now she is full steam creating a present for me. I am excited beyond belief. It reminds me a lot of when I was a kid and I would stay up all night with my sister on Christmas eve, except Christmas eve is lasting forever and the suspense is just continuing to build.

Two nights ago, Satu thankfully was willing to answer some questions so that I could relieve some of this excitement by having a few hints about the mystery thing. She told me that she was just going to say yes to everything. I realize that this means that all the answers were meaningless, but still I FEEL like I now know some things.
Here is what I know based on the questions that I got right.
There is an involvement of glitter.
It is the size of yellow and also half the size of yellow and much smaller.
It is made of cloth, at least partially.
It is also made of paper, at least partially.
There is string, glue, paint, markers, printed things and cardboard letters.
It can be hung on the wall or from the ceiling.
It is a book.
It can fit on a bookshelf.
You can wear it.
One person can hold it in one hand or two, or two people can hold it with three hands. Mutants can also hold it with three hands.
It is portable.
If I saw it in the world, I would know what to call it.
It has a category.
It has something to do with ship flags.
It involves very tiny pixels.
It is a candle.
I want it. I inspired it.
It is everything.
It could be eaten.
It is VERY, VERY exciting.

Later when I have it either on my wall or I am wearing it or holding it with my three hands, I will post a picture of it and compare all of the things that I know about it with its real world self.

The gigantic 1%

I am not a careless person, but it is true that I don't notice much of my surroundings. I do one thing at a time, and that means that I only notice and think about one thing at a time. This is one of the things that makes me a good girlfriend and one of the things that makes me a bad girlfriend.
I only have room in my imagination to envision my life with Satu. None of the other fish in the sea matter at all. In fact, if Satu hadn't told me there was a sea, I probably would have forgotten.
Up side: Loyalty.
Down side: I only see about 1% of what goes on in my surroundings, and Satu is responsible for almost everything in my surroundings.
There are days when she has to take me by the hand and re-introduce me to the house I live in. Every few weeks I will notice something that I have seen for seven years and think that it is a new thing in our lives.
I say all of this because when I say that Satu has been busy, what I know about is probably only the tip of the iceberg. I am a hard person to live with. I don't close things, I don't notice when my shoes leak mud onto the floor and I usually just put things wherever I am when I happen to need a free hand for something else. Satu deals with all this and continuously pulls our home back from the event horizon that surrounds me.
Today, as I was burning up my brain cells on school work, Satu was getting the house ready for company (see exhibit 1.)

Exibit 1: Perfect hairball found at the event horizon
During the week Satu usually waits up for me and still gets up to feed our battle ax of a cat several times a night. She takes the recycling, picks up groceries and makes sure the dogs get out. When they get frozen paw syndrome and can't move anymore, she carries them back inside. She shovels snow like it is her superpower (see exhibit 2.)

Exhibit 2: snow ninja

Yesterday when I came home from work, Satu was so tired from shoveling that she just sat down in the road to let me into the driveway. I think that this may have been due less to the shoveling and more to the weight of clothing that she was wearing. Later in the evening when she peeled off the layers, the pile of clothes was bigger than she was. She is the most determined person that I know. Satu works beyond her abilities almost every day. She told me that in college she hurt her arms to the point where she had to use both hands to write. Did she ever consider not writing? Nope. Did she ever consider saying that she just couldn't finish the project? Nope, not her. Did she even slow down? Nope, she just used the power of pain to accelerate. 

I sometimes say that Satu has the heart of a lion, but in truth, the king of beasts bows to her quiet strength, I see it, and I only know about 1% of the story. 

What I look forward to

I got this picture from my lady earlier today

I love it not only because I love my two little idiot dogs, but because they are doing the thing that I want to be doing with Satu. They are just being,with no self awareness, close to each other and in exactly the right place. Home. I love going out and seeing the world, but what I really miss when I am gone are the quiet, easy times that we can have in our own home. 

I remember those times in my young life when I would stay up late with friends and talk all night. It is when you start to feel that the world is so much bigger than you are and the possibilities are endless, but you have this secret little place in time and space. Those times were exciting and hard to come by and eventually those people who shared that momentary perspective with you fade out of your life.

With Satu, I have that feeling anew every day. When I look at her, I feel like we are sharing some secret life that only we know about. She knows me in those moments like no one else in the world. We could be doing something that would seem ordinary to any other person, but somehow I feel so connected that I imagine us at the edge of this infinite and wonderful life together looking at things that no one else could see in the same way.

I don't honestly know if she ever gets the same feeling, but I feel it in my chest. It's physical, but it is unlike any other sensation I have ever had. When her eyes meet mine, worlds open. It almost hurts to feel everything passing through your chest, like you are disappearing into that one moment and your body is dissolving from the center. 

I am completely invested in this world. I follow that feeling because it is what I care about more than anything else in life. I know that other people love, in fact, I think that is the point of being human. But it still somehow feels impossible that anyone could have ever felt this before. It seems against all odds that we could have these moments together in such a random, stormy, confusing world full of people, And still, here we are, together, in the only real place in the world.

Valentines day and missing each other again

It is kind of understood at this point that Satu and I will be apart on Valentines day. In years past I have usually been TDY or deployed to somewhere incredibly unromantic. This year, however, I am with my mom, dad and sister because my mom's birthday was three days ago. Thankfully we are the kind of people who find romance in every day.
What is romance in our life?
1. It is the sense of humor with which Satu approaches everything. The playfulness and joy that she can create just by knowing when to be a little silly. Every once in a while I will be sitting in the living room doing some of my never ending homework and she will trot past the door with a surprised look on her face. Pause, she floats backwards as if some other force is acting on her. It is really fun to watch the simple little show she is putting on just by appearing and disappearing in my field of view.
2. Satu makes fire. I smother fire, even though there is nothing cozier to me than a roaring fireplace, the amber glow of candles and the earthy, woodsey smell of good incense. That is why if I have had  a hard day at work I can usually count on her to have a cozy room ready and a warm cup of tea.
3. Soft touches with the perfect weight. Never in my life has anyone touched me so carefully and comfortably. When she puts her hand on my leg or shoulder while we are winding down for bed, I feel instantly loved. She has the perfect touch.
4. The right words at the right time. Satu knows people better than anyone I have ever met, but she knows me better than I know myself. If I feel worried, she knows how to get me relaxed and out of my head. Sometimes she just finds the right princess movie to lighten things up. Sometimes she reads me fan fiction and we laugh over the childish daydreams and bad grammar.
5. The little big things. She makes coffee ahead of time. She wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the cat, both because she loves the cat and because she doesn't want me to have to do it. She turns off all of the lights that I leave on and has never broken up with me over it. She is free with her laughter, but spares the judgement always. She can play the clown when we both need a laugh. When I feel alone, she calls me honey bunny and it makes me explode with happiness. She sends me pictures of the family when I am working so that I can feel connected to home. It makes me feel less lost in the world.
So romance is a part of every day of our lives. It isn't about perfume, chocolate or glasses of wine, it is about being truly happy sharing the regular parts of our lives together. There is no other person in the world that I would rather spend those moments with. Our romance moments are everyday moments. Sure, I wish we could be together this Valentine's day, but it will still be Valentine's day when she puts her arms around me and welcomes me home.

Youtube is a mood altering drug

Yesterday I had to work late. Probably you have no idea how many nut channels a downstream fan case has or how long it takes to check the running torque of them all, but I can tell you that it is more than you think. It takes longer than you think and it took me longer than I thought. It is pretty typical for me to mis-underestimate the timeline for everything that I do. That is because when I am doing something, that is the only thing in my brain, so it seems like time doesn't matter.
Time does matter.
Time matters to Satu who looks forward to our time to reconnect on Saturday nights. This is usually our watch dumb TV, eat take out Indian food and laugh until we have to hold eachother's sides. But not last night. Last night when I finally dragged my ass home at 9pm empty handed, the mood was officially dead. The fire had burned out and so had the candles that she had lit 3 hours earlier when I was supposed to be home. In fact, the only thing smoldering when I got home was her temper.
We ate pizza in near silence and as a token of forgiveness she brought me a dove chocolate which made me feel hopeful, but it was still to early to get over my hugely disappointing tardiness.
It wasn't until we were curled up in bed that I remembered what an instantaneously happy thing it could be to pull up some youtube videos and just laugh together.
Yep, that did the trick. Thank god for short legged Japanese cats and dogs swimming in the air. Youtube saved the night and we curled up holding eachother's sides.