List #2

Satu reminded me yesterday how much she likes a list. So here is a list of ways we are alike and some things that are different about us.

SAMES:

1. Loyalty
     S: Never give up.
     K: Stand your ground.
2. Patriotism
     S: Not perfect
     K: But worth fighting for
3. Laughter
     S: That's hilarious.
     K: I did that on purpose.
4. Fears
     S: Getting lost
     K: Being a loser
5. Dogs
     S: Family
     K: Smelly family
6. Beer
     S: Oatmeal Stout
     K: IPA, Unless you have oatmeal stout?
7. Pretty women
     S: Yes please.
     K: What did you say? Sorry. Yes.
8. White before labor day
     S: That's no longer relevant, but this is the south.
     K: Wait, is it labor day or memorial day? Never mind, I don't care.
9. Hygiene
     S: I'll wash your back if you wash mine.
     K: and I'll wash... What did you say? Sorry. Yes.
10. Comic Books
     S: Superman
     K: Batman (or Superman, whatever. At least we both like comic books)
11. Money
     S: Not the most important thing...
     K: But necessary
12. Food
     S: Sharing a meal is an act of love.
     K: Sharing a meal is when the family comes together.

DIFFERENCES:

1. Greed
     S: I'm going to save that so I can look forward to it.
     K: POOF! COOKIE!
2. Emotions
     S: I'm hungry. No big deal. I'm sad, but it's ok, I'll rally.
     K: Holy crap! Everything sucks! Now I am happy and feel like laughing! No. I don't know why   I'm crying.
3. Design
     S: Brilliant!
     K: Umm. Lamp? Mug? Sculpture! I knew that.
4. Words
     S: Perambulator
     K: Stroller
5. Colors
     S: Sage
     K: Grey
     S: Navy
     K Grey
     S: Aubergine
     K: Purple right? I know I got this one!
6. Numbers
     S: more than three
     K: 6.022 x 10²³
7. Strangers
     S: Danger!
     K: Hello. Please be nice to me.
8. Attention
     S: It is now alone time.
     K: Pats now please.
9. Secret prisons
     S: Always bad
     K: Sometimes acceptable

This list is definitely not comprehensive, but I think it is a good way to show how people can have common ground and still bring different perspectives into a relationship. Our differences don't make me feel distant, I cherish them. I also think that we each know what the other truly values and care enough to take those things seriously. Satu is my best friend and I think we are a lot alike in spirit, but enough different to compliment each other.

10 things that Satu does better than anyone else

1. Multi-task like a mother fucker.
Satu can watch TV, blog and shop simultaneously while also doing her taxes, cutting out pictures and cooking an amazing meal. I am not exaggerating, I have seen it happen. She is always aware of what is going on around her and seemingly never needs to concentrate. She has never once asked me to turn down the radio or clear any distractions, because nothing is a distraction for her she has a seemingly endless capacity to keep adding more and more tasks. Her little hands may only be able to do so much, but her mind never gives up.

2. Turn a phrase
Yes, she can pun with the best of them, but she can also find the right word for anything. She has introduced me to things that I was never aware had names like trivet and finial. Some times it is hard for me to keep up, like the other day when I expressed surprise that Dr. Who's "tartan" came in plaid? Clearly I didn't know what we were talking about and Satu had introduced me to the words tartan and tardis without enough time between the two.  She can write beautiful poetry or prose and whip out a haiku for just about any occasion, but the best thing is that when she says "I love you," it feels like the first time every time.

3. Talk to animals
Satu speaks fluent dog, cat, frog, chipmunk, crow and squirrel and is quick to pick up new beast dialect whenever we encounter some new fellow. She is the kind of person who will stop anywhere to save a locust from a piece of gum or pat a lizard.

4. Kiss
Because Satu is modest, I will not gush here about how much I relish her kisses. Let's just say that if I had to choose between her kisses and being the richest person in America, I wouldn't hesitate to choose her kisses. Bill Gates doesn't get to kiss Satu, too bad for him. Poor guy.

5. Cook
Satu can make a home cooked meal out of just about any ingredients, but it's not just knowing how to cook that makes her meals special, she also makes dinner time feel like family time. You can get run over by a car and still consider yourself lucky when she scrapes you off the road and feeds you her chicken and artichoke dinner. She cooked for me on our second date. The deal was that I would bring the food and she would cook it and we would share some tasty oatmeal stout that she brought back from Freestate Brewery. I had some trouble deciding what  to buy, so I bought a lot of food. Damned if she didn't cook the tastiest pork I have ever had on her tiny little charcoal grill, and bacon wrapped fillet and stuffed mushrooms and corn and still manage to whip up a homemade dressing for the salad.

6. Manage her expressions
Satu can instantly get her point across wordlessly if she chooses, mostly by exerting skillful control over her eyebrow muscles. Her version of stink eye would wither even the president. When she does the dramatic double eyebrow furl, you actually hear the building music in the background. She can express love, compassion, pain, hate, curiosity, friendship and just about anything else she chooses without a single word.

7. Blue donut of rage
I have never seen this, but when she talks about it, I get a glimpse of how devastating her rage ball can be. Imagine if the sun crashed into earth and then all of the atoms in the multi-verse exploded at once. Now multiply that by infinity, put it in your pipe and smoke it.

8. Make a list
Satu has lists for everything. I bet she has a list of lists that she intends to write. Her lists are not always just lists though. Often they are little pictures and thoughts too. It is wonderful to stumble upon a mystery list and read it without knowing it's purpose. They are like surprising little poems. It always makes me marvel at the quirky way her mind works.

9. Plan for anything
Satu knows where the fire exit is in every place we visit. She also knows what we are doing if there is a tornado, or an earthquake or a sudden blizzard. She has probably already chosen various shooting positions as we pull into any spot in a parking deck "just in case." She has first aid kits and water supplies and she checks the weather before leaving her house. I find all of this immensely comforting since my only plan is to follow her plan.

10. Laugh
One of my favorite things about Satu is that she is free with her laughter. She isn't bubbly, and she doesn't do bouncy, but she looks for the light in things. She turns a phrase so that the best side of anything is exposed and she believes, as I do, that laughter is essential. If I make her laugh, it makes me feel like a king. If I can make her laugh for the rest of our lives, it will be everything I ever wanted to accomplish.

The bringer of peace

Satu is the bringer of peace when my mind is troubled. She knows how to make monsters calm and content and how to make even the skittish nose a little closer for a sniff or a pat. Satu is a bringer of many things.

She brings tea when I feel worried.
She brings laughter when I feel stressed.
She brings movies full of hope and wonder when my mind needs diversion.
She brings light to my home, hope to my heart and pride to my chest.
She brings me to tears of joy and brings me comfort when I shed tears of sorrow.
She brings me the truest love I have ever known.

For better or for yesterday

     Normally I wouldn't blog about something that I feel ashamed of, but I think that maybe one day Satu will want to remember how solid she was when faced with one of the uglier things about me. It is testament to her kindness and understanding that she can witness my weakest moments and still call me baby.
     Lately I have been having panic attacks pretty regularly for no real reason except that I think my body hates me and has joined forces with my mind to keep me awake at night and whenever possible disrupt Satu's sleep as well. I have a pretty constant awareness of my own mortality right now. This is not really typical for me. I usually feel happy as long as I am full and warm, and I generally suspect that even when things suck they are probably getting better soon, but lately, even when I feel good, I worry that I am dying and don't know it.
     It often goes something like this. I will have a good day and feel happy and lucky. Then somewhere in my mind a little doubt will sneak in and say " you have food poisoning and you just don't know it yet," or "you have heart cancer that's why you feel all that pressure in your chest." Heart cancer!? What the fuck is heart cancer!? Crap! The possibility that something could just come along out of the blue and ruin my life doesn't seem likely to me. In fact it seems like a really dumb thing to worry about, but when the rational side of my brain starts to talk, it is already too late because that feeling you get in your stomach when the car in front of you jams on the brakes suddenly has already occurred. My mouth starts to water and I have to poop about a dozen times before I can walk upright. The physical symptoms just tell my reptile brain that I am actually dying even though my human brain keeps saying "no you're not, you are just being crazy." This feedback starts the shaking and dry mouth. At that point I think it is really just physical, but I feel really terrified and keep waiting for the fear to make me pass out and break the cycle, but it doesn't it just keeps me up.
     Saturday night I felt uneasy all night, almost as soon as the sun went down I started to worry. The really, really dumb thing is that now I am almost always afraid of having one of these panic attacks which makes them so much more likely to happen. I know that seeing me like this is a real downer for Satu. She deserves to come home to a house filled with joy, not dumb, made up drama. I tried to keep it in check, but it had already started hours before she came home from work. It was barely manageable until bedtime when the shaking started. For some reason, bedtime is especially worrisome for me. Until a few months ago I slept like it was my job. I was the CEO of sleep, probably one of the best sleepers in the world. Oh how the mighty fall.
     At 2am I went to the hospital. My reptile brain was telling me I was dying, my rational brain was telling me I am stupid. I just wanted to get to home base because I feel like if you make it to the hospital, you will be safe. I thought just waiting in the lobby would help. It did for a while. I talked to another Marine who was there, the nurses were nice to me and just let me sit there and shake to myself. Around 4 am I felt better so I decided to go home. I got up and went to the bathroom, and while I was there, that adrenaline thing happened in my stomach again and the shaking came back worse than before.
     I feel really worried that acting like that has already damaged the way Satu sees me. I never want her to feel like she has to take care of me. I don't want to be an anchor around her. I know that this is not the real me, I will get better, but I don't want this to fuck things up between us. She is so incredibly forgiving about it, but I know it upsets her.
     Satu, when you read this, know that I will make a better life for us and I will not live with this fear. I will make it ok and I haven't taken your patience for granted. I will do everything I can to make sure that you get the best me that there is and that better is ahead of us and yesterday is yesterday.