Wild animals

 Spring is here and the cameras are on. Satu and I have already seen bunnies, skunks and groundhogs. The deer and squirrels are year round neighbors, but they have a bit of spring in their steps lately too. 

Satu and I are building a studio space on the third floor to move her into. Even though we aren't redoing the floors or changing the walls up there, the odd corners and funny shadows will make a beautiful space for her. 

I am really excited to see her bronze masks on the walls and to get her backyard foundry going this year. I think she's going to love creating at home if we can just get more comfortable with the idea of her quitting her job. 

Even though it scares me to my core, I'd love to know that she was enjoying some of the summer sunshine on her Honda rebel.

It is scary times with the pandemic making the economy safe only for the 1 percenters. Still, we play it safe enough that I think we should take the risk. Especially after Satu's sister moves in this summer. 

I have my own wishlist of upgrades for moving into the upstairs apartment. 

A french door type refrigerator would fit the kitchen a lot better and not block off the door in and out. A king sized bed would be a huge lifestyle upgrade since the animals chase me out of bed almost every night now. And I cannot wait to put in countertops and get a comfortable sofa. 

It is nice to daydream about homemaking with Satu again. As much as I hate to move, I have been wanting to get into he upstairs space since we bought this house. The downstairs is cozy enough, but I really feel like we will be able to spread out a bit. Satu deserves to have some nice space to herself to create and work on her secret projects. I have my basement dojo and office.  I feel like it adds a lot to my life to have that space just to be in. 

This year the cicadas will come out of hiding after 17 years in the ground. I can't wait to hear them singing in the woods and watch my wonderful wife examine them on her small, perfect hands. Ohio would be perfect this time of year if there were frogs and turtles. I haven't seen either since we left Georgia.

As far as our own little family of animals goes, the basement cat has turned into a very sweet, loving lap cat. He joins us upstairs whenever the dog isn't here. Unfortunately, they have had some bad interactions and I don't think they will be able to bury the hatchet. 

I think we can live with it though. We will have this whole wonderful house soon to spread out in. 

I am scared of this world too

 I am in the stairwell of our home burying myself in busy work. My country is in crisis and I am listening to songs that meant something to me when I was 20. I live with you and wake up with you and i miss you even when you are beside me. I know clearly right now that love is all that matters in this storm beaten world, but i feel lost. I want to make this world a paradise for us, but our home feels like a bunker. Hold tight to me and I will hold tight to you. Nothing else seems certain.

LL2

 Star shorts and a tee:

This ensemble is the cozy time standard. The tee is from freestate which made the beer that brought us together. (Well, the beer didn't hurt, but we are also together because of being a balanced partnership full of laughter, wonder and joy.)

I always like Satu in a white tee shirt. I think it might be a sexy, lady  James Dean sort of a thing. Anyway, that saucy look is because our cat is trying to edge in on her Friday night sushi treat. That's a hard no. 

The shorts are such favorites that they are getting a bit threadbare. Over the years that we have been together, the sky has gone from moonless midnight black to full moon on a snowy evening blue. They are still the best. One day they will probably burn right off of her sleeping body with a little crackle. Satu is a hot sleeper, and I think they are thin enough now to ignite on some particularly dry summer night. 

Lesbian Lingerie

 You may know from watching porn or seeing almost any meme on the internet that some lesbians like to wear beautiful, silky, sexxxy things to bed. Many lesbians like to have pillow fights and group bubble baths as well. Satu and I are not those lesbians though. We are this kind of lesbian:

For a while I have wanted to start a sexxxy fashion blog to showcase some of Satu's best bedtime outfits. Sexy is not about wearing something with confusing straps that drapes alluringly off of a shoulder or disappears into the folds of a derri-area. Sexy is in her beautiful voice whispered in my ear, her bare skin and her knowing smile. The fashion speaks for itself. Satu's lingerie is about eating popcorn in bed, making sure she doesn't sweat to death in her sleep and also about not giving a single solitary fuck about what other women wear to bed. She knows that I think she is the sexiest person alive. She knows that she is my dream girl, so the LL posts that follow this one are snaps of some of my favorite outfits and looks. I think they say a lot about why she is the only person I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. 

I am writing this from work

 Because this is where I am as I am missing Satu right now. I usually miss her whenever she is not around. At this point in my life, I feel more like myself in her presence than I do when alone. That's not to say I can't be alone, or don't enjoy doing my own thing, but everything is more fun for me with Satu.

I can enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watching lightning bugs or cooking, but only her presence makes the experiences the best that they can be. 

Lately, Satu and I have been able to work together some. This always makes work seem less like work and more like free time. 

We have had a couple of weird food lunch dates that really have broken up the soul crushing monotony of some of the inventory project we have been working on.

This picture is from our new date spot called Dagu Rice Noodle. For me, I really, really love when I can be with Satu experiencing something new and exciting for her. When she laughs or investigates the world with that wide eyed look that she gets, it fills my heart in a way that nothing else does. 

2020 is a year of many surprising experiences. At least we get to have them together. 

Satu belongs to the world

I feel lucky and selfish. I live with someone who actually has meaning in this world. The world is mostly a dead end, but the rest of us keep searching.We keep looking for a noble fight to give meaning to our lives. Satu gives herself to everyone she meets. She  embodies everything I believe is true. 

Beauty is true.

Honesty

Compassion

Hope

True

Curiosity

Shelter

Fire

Love

True

Fierce

Kind

secret

True

stronger than water

She is never not herself. It's wonderful to be with someone so real and trustworthy. She is comfortable with discomfort and willing to own it. She is compassionate to everyone, but especially animals and especially the small ones. Yesterday at work she saved two grasshoppers from the busy factory floor.

Every day she does the same for me. 

Vanilla White Person Soft Mountain Playlist

The world continues to throw me and I keep getting home a little more fragile, with a few more cracks in my armor. Lets face it, my shield was always made of paper, but it is pretty tattered lately.

Home rituals and art or music that is isolated from our current world is like my zen garden or fortress of solitude.

Remember when we thought that the War on Terror was such a threat to our way of life? I do. Now, the biggest threat to my country is the president. I knew there was the fringe, but I just thought that most people want the good guys to win. You know, the good guys, the hard working women, the blue collar, but empathetic and intelligent fathers of daughters who want to be astronauts. The black men and women who support their communities and care for each other. The immigrants who risk everything to bring opportunity to their families.

My grandfather left his family in the recession for the only job that would support them at the time. He didn't know it was for real, but he figured he could trust the guy who gave his word. He broke down on the way and sold his car for a bus ticket so he could get to Tampa and walk to his new job and feed his family.

That kind of Paul union good guy.

I feel like the only world that I can believe in now is the one that Satu and I make together and the few gentle people in this little nest. My sister, my parents, well, let's face it, most of the time everyone in the world. I am a trusting person. This new world is not my thing. I am the kind of person that strangers cover in aluminum blankets at the airport. The bus driver makes sure I wake up for my stop. The waiter makes chases me out the door with my purse.

My beautiful wife protects me from mean people. She keeps me safe from the sad things and the sharp things, but this world is getting both of us.

Our  refuge is snuggled up in our jammies watching "Bones" on Hulu. Simpler times...murder, science, terrorists...

At bedtime, we now play a couple of stations for music.

The first one is vanilla white person soft mountain and the other is vanilla white person dark hallway.

Soft mountain is characterised as soothing folk with some country influences, but not the ignorant kind of country.

Dark hallway is all haunting cello music. It makes me happy that we have our own little music ritual. It is a completely non-political, uncool, disconnected sort of thing. We will belt out some Patti Larkin and fall asleep with the dog between us.

2020 can suck it, we will be here in our home eating popcorn and watching the world burn to our own happy soundtrack.