Thanksgiving

Satu and I made deals with the devil and both got a little time off from work at the same time and boy did we do this vacation in style. First, we loaded up some clothes, a few of which were still dirty and gathered up our juice boxes and goldfish for the trip. We hit the road with a handful of CDs, and made a nest in the back for the dog. Hour 1 is always the most exciting, we keep patting eachother's legs and exclaiming that we are on an adventure. By the third bathroom stop, we are just ready to be there.
Because I am a romantic, I suggested we curl up in the back of the car at one of the rest stops rather than to get a hotel for the evening. We spent a few hour re-arranging ourselves pushing bellybuttons against elbows and shoulders and waking up every hour to turn the engine on for heat. The dog was shivering, so we put him between us for warmth. Obviously we slept well and were refreshed and ready to hit the road at 5 am.
In the early afternoon, we made it to my parent's lake house and toured the neighborhood with them. Then, per family tradition, my dad under-grilled some hamburgers and Satu ate the rawest sushi beef of the bunch sneaking queasy, worried looks at me. After dinner she shared some caramel moonshine with my father. I was too scared. I don't like to drink liquor that comes in mason jars since I am convinced that it will instantly kill me.
The next day we drove 45 minutes around the lake to the little plot of land that my grandparents originally bought on that lake when it was built. What I love about it is the same feature that my grandfather probably loved, the steep hillside and giant, unmovable boulders that make it very difficult to build on. It is an inland lot, across from the lake which you can't see from there because the lot across the street is uncleared. I have dreams of buying the lot across the street and clearing the scrub for a dock and a fishing camp and putting a house on the inland lot built in to the boulders. I think it will  look great framed by the neighbor's trailers on either side.
I think my wife is much more practical than I am and not necessarily enjoying the daydream like I am. When we got back to the cabin, my parents packed up to leave and Satu immediately started her period. It is difficult for us to have adult time lately since we work terrible, but opposite hours and we stay exhausted, so when vacation comes around, our hormones like to work to keep us exhausted and uncomfortable.
The next morning was my favorite part of the trip. Satu made coffee early and got me up to see the fog over the lake. What a beautiful, serine and quiet time.

Despite our cursed bodies keeping us to a PG rating, this morning time made me feel so close to her and happy to be on this life adventure. 

The next night we made crabs for dinner and had a great evening until my panic kicked in. My sister met us at the lake with her new son. I love them both so much, and getting overwhelmed by that love puts me on kind of a see-saw of fear and uncertainty. My beautiful wife drove me around the treacherous winding roads at four in the morning because the pills didn't touch it. Eventually we went to an emergency room where they gave me enough to knock me out. I wish Satu could just shoot me with a tranquilizer sometimes because when I wake up, things are always back to feeling normal. I just get too spooled up.

The next morning, Thanksgiving, we drove down to my parent's house. Mom made a great thanksgiving dinner and everything was completely cooked. The rest of the trip was all about walking dogs and hanging out with the family, but I couldn't help missing the quiet lake morning and time alone with my wife. She is is the person that makes me feel safe and okay. She is my favorite person to laugh with and to just look at across the room. I like to hear her walking around in our house. I like to feel her turning over when she sleeps and I feel like holding her hand makes my heart melt a little in my chest. 

I can't wait to give up this working life so I can settle into her orbit. Every day I feel more lost as the day goes on until I get back home to her. 

I love you more than catfood

Last night I had to work late to get some things prepped at work before our vacation. When I came home at 2 in the morning, my wife was asleep. I often can't see her in the bed when we have the winter comforter on, but I know she's there because she is giving off an enormous amount of heat and the dog curls up on her for warmth.

I settled in next to my little lava rock and prepared for my nightly ritual. I like to play match three games until my brain shuts down enough to sleep. I opened my tablet and saw this:

She had tucked a little card inside my tablet. As with many things that Satu finds in the world, she adds to the image so that it's something perfectly us.

I laughed and laughed. It tickled me so much. From the hot side of the bed, little sleepy burbles of laughter erupted from under the dog and we had a good midnight chuckle. One of the things that reliably makes me laugh, no matter how many times I see it is this little GIF of a raccoon scooping up two handfuls of cat food and tottering off on his hind legs with it. My wonderful wife will often mimic this video when stealing things, or whenever she just wants a laugh out of me. 

That's the thing, our house is always full of laughter because she is one of the funniest, smartest people I've ever met. She gets the details that make a thing silly and she's not too proud to do the blue footed boobie dance with me, or run down the hall like a raccoon. It's wonderful to live like this and to laugh and hold each other in the middle of the night on any given night of the week. 

I'm not worried. It's just winter

It's that time of year. The snow blower has made its way to the batter's box and the dog is wearing a sweater (he loves it.)

As cozy as our home is though, winter brings grey days which makes me feel antsy and makes my wife listen to Patti Griffin and look at pipes online. Both embracing the melancholy while keeping it in the periphery. 

What I hope winter means this year is more days off spent together watching dumb movies and putting together complicated puzzles in front of the fire. I hope it also means some extra kisses and soft whispers in my ear. 

Lately, I work too much and so does Satu. When we do get a night together, she is achy and I am brain dead from the toxic amounts of stupidity at work. I think both of us just want a cup of warm tea and the person who knows us best nearby for comfort.

I know that when she is in the house it feels like a home and when she is out, it seems as if the whole house is waiting for her to come back and bring the soul back into the home. I don't really know how to express this sense of missing her while she is here except it is the Kyoto feeling. I feel like I miss her so much while I am at work that when we are together it reminds me of all of the time we sacrifice to the outside world. 

I hope that as the snow comes, I will get more Mondays off and we will finish our cozy basement together. I really loved it when she was down there with me playing music and envisioning our new cozy hide-a-way. Honey, take me for a drag on the new rug. I miss you. 

If Satu was an animal:

She would be a double metal dog. Loyal and steadfast, but wagging and clanking her tail ready to play when she is happy. She splits from the pack when she's not.

If Satu were a food, she would be sushi. Fresh, simple and complicated at the same time.

If she were a house, she would be a tiny, elegant log cabin on the outside with a million rooms stretching out impossibly on the inside.

If she was a drink, she would be something you have never heard of before with a warm, comforting body and a smooth finish. She would have little flecks of ice that could surprise you, cool your thirst and somehow belong in the warmest drink you've ever had.

If my wife was a number, she would be infinity.

If she was an element, of course she would be fire.

If my wife was a tool, she would be the one you are looking for no matter what you need to do. She is good at everything and can make any task easier.

If she was a day, she would be in spring. May perhaps, when everything is new and the world is full of young life.

If she was a car, she wouldn't be content until she was a spaceship.

If she was a gun, she would be the finest machine, straight and true every time.

Satu is the only one of her kind. She is not anything except who she is. It doesn't change, she's the most solid person I have ever met. She doesn't compromise and she has the heart of a lion. She has my heart too. With her, I know it is safe. 

Haloweeeeeeeeee

Last year we almost missed Halloween. Next to Thanksgiving, a holiday to celebrate family and eating Halloween is my favorite because it is about scaring children and candy.
This year though, my wife is a Halloween superhero!! We have handmade spooky tombstones in the front yard that light up with red fiery lights, and then there is this...

BB Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!!
Kids love him, dogs love him, and I LLLLLOOOOOVE him.

My wonderful wife has been hand painting these two pumpkins and engineering the details for 5 days, pretty much straight. Look! Look how wonderful!!

We will have two kids over this year and get to take them trick-or-treating and then we will watch scary children's movies while they bounce off the wall on a sugar high that may last most of the year.

I love Halloween. Gimmie is going to wear his wookie costume even though he says it hurts his peeper because we all have to make sacrifices for this kind of thing. My wife has been slaving over pumpkins for days, there is no way a little dog gets to complain about his awesome wookie coat.

Happy Halloween my sunshine. I love you.
Apparently so does the creepy little wookie sniffing your hair.

Any place with you

Recently my folks have offered us a little acre of very rocky, hilly land near lake Sinclair in Georgia. It has started me thinking about building a future with my wonderful wife. We have been building our lives together for ten years, but at this stage, we are spending a lot of time working to get ahead, maintain our health and build a home that we can open to our family's in the future.

The lake lot makes me think more about what we would do if the sky was the limit for us. Satu is a cave dweller, and I like to have all the lights on all the time, so I have been thinking of building a home into the side of that rocky, dense hillside.

In my mind, Satu's would be a cave, blasted under the biggest rock in the hillside. She would have nice little square shrubs leading up to a hidden, thick wooden door. Maybe a stone fireplace in the center of the cave  and a hidden little spot in back where the rounded brick wall would open up to the sky. I imagine a natural waterfall trickling constantly down a cut out in that brick wall surrounded by plants. You could look up from your underground garden to see the clear night sky over the lake.

I imagine a rustic, gourmet kitchen in her little cave where cheeses and fresh fruit will feel right at home. The walls of the cave will be insulated hay bale and carved into round, elegant curves. I imagine an open, flattened rock staircase leading up to my airy rooms.

My rooms would have giant windows and be open to the view of the trees and the sky. For me, I imagine dark wood floors, and breezes flowing across. There are more windows than walls. I don't have a kitchen, I have the garden instead. The topside has an open courtyard in the middle where we grow our own herbs and have a walkway surrounded by flowers. on cool nights, we can sleep there, surrounded by nature and stars, yet still protected by the walls of our home.

Between the cave and the glass house is a hideaway room that is just ours. Not fancy, but a cozy bedroom where we can get away. Right now, my favorite time of day is bedtime. I love just sitting next to my wife as she reads. I like having coffee together in our bed and having the quiet time together. Sometimes she will reach over the dog and pat me on the leg or the hand. I feel very settled there with her.

Though I have been enjoying this daydream lately, the main reason I like it is because I like to think of a future where I could make Satu feel happy and fulfilled. I'd love a little hideaway that we felt totally relaxed in. I imagine her in her studio figuring out the next project and smelling the Georgia red clay after a storm. I will be happy anywhere we end up as long as she is with me.

Hi baby. Hi hi hi. Hi honey.

Sometimes when I am at work, I just look at my phone and wish for a text from Satu. Most of our phone contact is really just about letting each other know that we are thinking about being together. There is no moment in my day when I would not prefer to be with my lovely wife, not a single second that wouldn't be better in her company.

Right now she is sitting next to me while I am typing and she is touching up her well staged pictures of tobacco pipes. We spent most of the day working outside together getting sawdust in our noses and dirt on our hands, and whenever we hadn't talked in a little while, one of us would pipe up and say "hi baby. " It is kind of our bird call.

Sometimes I imagine what alien observers would think of us. We must touch each other more often than most couples. She is always smoothing out my shirt or patting me on the leg. I am usually looking for an opportunity to walk into a hug. I think aliens would assume that we are one thing that can split itself. I often feel like she and I are really just one thing with two different laughs, two different singing voices and four hands that are always trying to settle somewhere on the body.

This weekend, Satu has put out all of our orange things and readied the house for fall. There are tiny pumpkins and colorful leaves everywhere. I really love having a house that belongs to both of us together that we chose and care for. It seems like the perfect place for our odd little family. It is usually filled with the smell of nice candles and small enough that I can hear my wife call her bird call from any room.

As the weather gets cooler, I feel even more lucky to have this warm home and beautiful wife to come home to. These days we linger in bed to have our morning coffee and she tucks her cold hands into my body. I know this is just a trick for warmth that she has learned from the cat, but never mind that. As she tucks little head against my shoulder, I'll wrap my arms around her and whisper "hey baby, hi sweet girl, hi honey. I love you."