Here comes the sun

It has been a long semester for me at school and I have missed out on a lot going from work to the books and usually about a day behind on everything. I am a couple of months behind on posting, but Satu hasn't stopped being wonderful even for a second. Here is a quick list of some of the things that she has done since my last post. She makes my heart swell with happiness.

She brought me tea in my own little kettle while I was studying. Satu has a lot of different types of tea and can always seem to pick the right one for any occasion. Who knew that fortnum and mason (fort-num-num-num) was for statistics finals? My girlfrang did.

We a spontaneous game of hide and chase where she scurried away to hide and I patiently tried to lure her out of her hiding spot with some goldfish crackers. This is a technique that I saw Satu use just tonight with a raccoon and an oreo. It worked better with the little backyard bandit than it did with her. I did eventually get her to take the crackers, but she just retreated back to her spot behind the chair and spit them at me one at a time. She didn't come out until I sang my mating song, and even then it was just to stare me doing my very odd song and dance.

There were Easter presents. Lots of them and a basket full of really good chocolate. One of my favorite things is how she takes the time to draw on wrapping paper and make little notes on cards with sweet little drawings all over them. When Satu gives you a present, she presents you with it and she makes it for you. It really made me feel loved.

She made cookies for the guys at work. Twice. It was like watching 5 year olds try to wait two minutes for an oreo. No one looked at the powerpoints during the meeting. It was just a room full of guys squirming in their chairs with eyes darting to the cookies and then at each other. You could actually see the deliberation going on within them, torn between wanting more delicious cookies and not wanting to seem greedy. The cookies were all gone at the end of the meeting.

This whole time while I have felt overwhelmed by work and school, Satu has kept things going. Even though she hates talking on the phone and interacting with strangers, she has managed all of the daily things that come up. I haven't had to worry about any of that stuff for a while.

Now that spring is here and we are able to venture out in the world, I am really looking forward to explorimg our city together.

The rest of us are shitty...

But we're hers.

We all love to be around Satu. She is so magnetic and sweet to the little animals. Here she is watching birds with Gimmie and Josie. Gimmie wants to eat the birds and squirrels, but Satu just keeps the backyard feeders wildlife friendly and keeps the little hunter company. Just look at her bathed in sunlight like a saint.

Now look at the rest of us.

Snaggle-toothed and snoring,

With our bellys hanging out

Getting into every thing,

Not even knowing when we have chocolate on our teeth and glitter on our lips.

Indeed!

Beautiful on the inside

I mean really, just look at that strong jawline and beautiful brain housing group. Like many beautiful things, this is also a little fuckered up. I don't know anything about anything, but Satu explained to me that those ones that look like top hats are supposed to look like squares, and the one at the bottom that looks like it is sharp and poking into something is actually sharp and poking into something.
This is the source of much of my sweetheart's constant pain. When I say constant, I mean every second for the last 20 years, no matter what, various levels of pain that she just deals with because she doesn't like to take too much Advil. Really, there are still a few people that strong in the world. Well, at least one person, I suspect that she is her own category.

Lately we have been working out together in spite of all the injury that Satu deals with, it drives her crazy to sit on the sidelines. I have been trying to get to the second level of Insanity for a year. Usually, I get through the first month, but can't quite drag myself through the level 2 workouts and I have to give up for a while. Satu, who has never worked out in her life, just tossed aside the beginner program I bought her and jumped right in the deep end with me. She figured work around angles for things that her fused spine and cramped wrists won't do and gets through the workouts much better than I did the first three times I worked through the level. Her participation means that I spend about 50% less time face down on the floor too, so that she doesn't think I am weak.

Satu is one of those folks with great genes who has always been slender and fit. It is a new thing for her to have limits, and I must say that it's kind of impressive to watch her just keep going and going and going. I just hope that she can let herself heal enough and give herself the same kind of love and acceptance that she has always shown me when I am pushing too hard or too fast for my own good.

Awkward moments on early dates.

1. Drooling:
One morning Satu and I were out shopping on the weekend. As sometimes happens, when she goes into her purse for something, she sometimes pulls out a little treat to offer me. It is always WONDERFUL to get a surprise candy. On this particular day we had pulled up in front of the bookstore and when Satu was done wrestling with her purse, her hand emerged with a piece of chocolate. I'm sure my eyes bugged out with delight. Usually there is a tic tac in her hand, or sometimes a lifesaver, but chocolate!? CHOCOLATE! She asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate and when I opened my mouth to say yes please, I drooled onto my shirt. Just an unrecoverable big drip of greedy drool. We laughed for a good while and she still gave me  the chocolate.

2. Hitting myself in the face with her car:
 On one of our earliest dates, we went to the neighborhood diner for a very late night meal. I can only do one thing at a time and since our relationship was really fresh, it took all of my focus to just deal with being in love. When it was time to get in the car, I opened the passenger side door directly into my forehead. Hard. Satu saw the whole thing, but to spare me embarrassment, she pretended that she didn't know what happened. She nudged me into the seat and took me home to ice the goose egg growing above my eye. It was a year later when she confessed to seeing the whole thing and holding in her laughter.

3. Accidental crying:
I am an accidental crier. You never know when it is going to happen. Romantic comedy? Yes. Quiet dinner in a public place? Yes to both happy crying or sudden melancholia. Sappy songs? Check. Break a lamp? Lots of tears. Pretty much unstoppable.
I am not sure why I was crying that day on Satu's couch. Perhaps I was happy, perhaps I was sad or hungry or cold or the wind was blowing to the north east. I cry. I am an emotional house of cards. My dog Sassy worries about this, and as Satu and I were talking our way through whatever emotional landmine she had stepped on, Sassy (who is almost as big as Satu) climbed up on the couch and sat on her chest. This turned the conversation into instant laughing. The best way to make me stop crying is to make me laugh. What a good dog.

4. Not a good gentleman
Satu was meeting my friends Michael and Julia for the first time and we chose a breezy night and a poorly heated coffee shop. Since it was an early date, Satu did not want to ruin the allure of her pretty outfit with a coat. She spent an hour freezing and shaking and when she finally asked if I had anything warm in my truck, I said yes, but it was too ugly to put on her. It took a lot of convincing for me to offer her the uniform flight jacket that still had the smell of JP8 and Iraq all over it, but when I brought it to her, she snuggled up in it like a little kitten.

We continue to have awkward moments because I am an awkward girl, but they are opportunities to laugh with each other, not times to worry about. Satu knows that I will never be smooth or mysterious, and as good as those qualities can be, I guess she also likes happy and honest and loyal and emotional. Praise the Lord.

Thunder girlfriend

Thundershirt! What a wonderful invention. I am a very physical animal, so when my body is comfortable, my mind eventually catches up.

Here is a thundershirt on a really pretty dog

This is what I would probably look like if I was a dog in a thunderstorm.

I don't bite, but I get all wound up and ready to explode.

Satu has had me figured out since we met. She knows exactly how to be calming and exactly how to be agitating if need be. I think she got the idea to apply pressure when I am ramping up to a panic attack from listening to Temple Grandin talk about her squeeze box (honestly, another brilliant and wonderful sounding invention.) I don't know really where the inspiration came from, but it I am very lucky to have a girlfriend so clued into how I work.

Generally a panic attack starts like this. I'm asleep, then awake, then confused and my heart starts to pound.
I get up to pace a little, which doesn't help, but it keeps me from feeling trapped. By the time I come downstairs, I look like I just got out of the dryer, all bunched up and hot and still a little moist. Satu talks to me in a calming voice and gets me to either sit or lay down someplace quiet. Then she presses on the center of my chest a little. That has the same effect on me that it does on a lot of dogs. It makes my brain think about, well, I guess about nothing. I just feel happy. Whenever the shaking quiets down, Satu drapes herself on me like a warm thundershirt. There is nothing in the world more centering than wrapping my arms around her and relaxing into that perfect pressure.

Ahhh. Thundergirlfriend.

What it think is also a little telling is how 180 degrees opposite Satu is about this, but she can still understand me and keep me calm. When she is agitated, she can't be touched, she has to be talked to and distracted entirely with her mind. She plays games on the computer or does crosswords, but touching her makes her feel trapped. We are an odd pair of animals that have found a common place to curl up together. I am a dog, loyal and trusting and happy hearted and she is a lion-hearted bird, unique to the world, curious and strong. What a wonderful kingdom of animals live here in our home.

Valentines Day

People always like to pretend that they don't care about Valentine's Day because it's commercial and forced... blah...blah... blah. I say that any time you get to spend just focusing on the love in your life is time well spent. Take the excuse. Eat good food and be naked. Do that as much as you can.

Truly, I think that this is one of the things that makes me a happy, grateful and satisfied person.

I believe in love. I believe it is the reason we all live.

I cry during all romantic comedies because I hate that part where people who are meant to be together lose each other

We took advantage of the holiday yesterday.

I planned to get Satu "William Shakespere's Star Wars," but when it came in the mail on Wednesday, it was so small that I figured that it would not be good for Valentines Day. She needs to know that I have a huge love for her.

Not one to delay either giving or receiving gifts, I gave the book to her on Wednesday. On Friday after work, the plan was to get some fuel for our stove and then get some flowers and really nice fillets for Valentines dinner on the way home. Unfortunately it took me hours to find a place that had pellets in stock. By the time I got home with the fuel and the tasty chow and flowers, it was too late to get the flowers hung from the ceiling and the notes wrapped around the stems like I had planned. Satu was already awake and **Hallelujah**  in the tub.

I got into bed to sleep the day away.

When I woke up, Satu had pulled the steaks out to rest. She knows about things like that.

She pulled out a surprise bottle of one of our favorite wines that she had been saving for months and poured us each a glass. Soooo wonderful.

Then she whipped up the most perfect steak dinner that history has ever known. For real.

Just before we settled in to our romantic dinner, she gave me my gift. There are two main parts:

Part one:

I saw this card in our local grocery last week and it really made me feel hopeful. Even Hallmark knows that love is precious wherever it is found.
Satu went back and conspicuously selected this card for me a midst a crowd of grandmothers and fathers looking for the right sentiments for their young people.

Then there was the TI 84 plus..

Absolutely glorious!! I would have never splurged on one for myself, but I am so thrilled to finally have a nice calculator.I couldn't believe it!! I am learning how to use all the awesome features now.

And finally there is this

After dinner Satu rolled out a desert surprise. Homemade chocolate covered strawberries. Not having much of a sweet tooth herself, Satu went through hours of confectionery, sticky hell to make this happen.  She went to three different stores for edible glitter and heart sprinkles. The strawberries were awesome. In fact, today she came down and saw my plate of strawberry tops and asked innocently which two I had eaten and if I liked them.
I had eaten 5. Yes I liked them and I liked the ones that looked like Chewbacca the best. Just call me glitter teeth ok? I am happier than I have ever been.
Finally, a Valentines day together in our own home.
The rest of the night is a secret. A wonderful, warm, sexxxy secret. I am so lucky.

Dear Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

My girlfriend has the heart of a lion, but right now it is unpredictable.Please take her seriously.

 She knows her body and you can believe whatever she says. She will seem fearless, because she controls her emotions carefully, but she wouldn't be in your paper gown if she wasn't worried. Listen to her heartbeat and then listen to what she says. She is loved more than you can imagine and the world needs her in it.

Please don't wait for something to go really wrong before you care about her. I love her now and I want to tell her that every day. You may not understand how wonderful she is, but I assure you that you have never met someone with a stronger, more beautiful, loving heart. If she brings it to you, practice your craft as if her heart was your greatest work of art.

I know that Satu will be OK. She is young, healthy and unbelievably willful, but it doesn't keep me from worrying about her. I can not even imagine a different life than the one that we share together. I want to keep it full of happiness, laughter and the strong, rhythmic beating of both of our hearts.