Theater Ninja Birthday

     Yesterday was Satu's 45th birthday and she seemed a little down about it at first. Usually she celebrates whole-heartedly since it is a holiday that is dedicated just to her and her life, but I think she is feeling a bit isolated and down. As much as I know that she loves me, it is never enough to just have one person in your life. We haven't quite made any friends here or found something that we can do with other people. I hope that, now that it is spring we can find some excuses to do more social things.
     Anyway last night we had a lovely dinner at the restaurant that is quickly becoming our new spot. Then we went to see a local theater company do an original production called "The Turing Machine." I am kind of a skeptic about local theater, I don't want to get trapped accidentally watching a one woman show about directing traffic or something, but this was surprisingly well written, clever and interesting. Gradually over the night her mood shifted, as it usually does when she is around inventive people and visually interesting things. When we were there, Satu expressed a few times how she was interested in becoming a part of that artist space.
     I admire Satu for the way that she sees the world and how willing she is to really develop her ideas when she gets into a project. I hope that she will make a place for herself among the artists there because as much as the world deserves to see what she does, what she really does best is connect with people. She is one of those thoughtful, kind, intelligent people who can make a real difference in people's lives just by being herself. It is not like her to live in a vacuum, and as much as I can be greedy about her attention, I love to see her full of the ideas and energy that she gets from being around other creative people.

Poof! Cookie!

It may seem like a small thing, but I love to watch Satu eat. Her table manners are really a good display of who she is in all aspects of her life. She is so neat and perfect. Her clothes are tidy, her office supplies are arranged in containers of appropriate shapes, her handwriting is beautiful and she eats as if cutting food is an art that she has actually studied for years. She pushes perfectly portioned cuts of this and that together and piles it neatly on the back of her fork, never letting a pea or an olive escape. I like the dainty perfect way that she eats so much that I try to do it too, but I am not an artist like she is. It may be a weird thing to admire, but just take a look at exhibits 1 and 2. I feel like a caveman sometimes because she does everything so well and I am so haphazard with everything.
I think that the difference here is patience. Satu is a patient person and likes to invest the time in doing things right. I am a scattered person and like to leave my car keys in the refrigerator if that is where I happen to be when I realize that I am still holding them. Only a truly good person like Satu could live with all of this chaos and still make me feel good about myself.

Exhibits 1 and 2: My hard boiled egg debris and hers. ( note: I ate both of my eggs before she started peeling the second one.)

The most wonderful woman in the world

I am so happy to have Satu back at home. She was only gone for a few days, but as it turns out, I feel lost when she is away. I don't know if other couples experience this the same way, or even if Satu feels it the same, but she is so much a part of my life that it seems like I am not really myself when she is away. When she walked back into the home, the life came back with her.
You know those times when you feel like you can't get a full breath? You are breathing fine, but just not enough,and nothing is satisfying. When Satu comes home, or when I get to come home to her, it is like finally taking a satisfying breath.
I feel so grateful to sleep next to her. I feel known, understood and completely accepted. When she gave me the Everything is Going to Be Okay book, I felt a little overwhelmed seeing exactly how well she knows and understands me. As much as the different projects in the book show how her brain works and the brilliant connections and visual ideas that she can make, it also shows how she knows me. Every page is like someone saying exactly the thing that you need to hear at the exact right moment. I hear all of the kind words in her voice and I especially love the whimsical creatures that she included because they seem like each of them has a little bit of her personality. The seahorse has that curious and magical look on his face like she gets when she explores her world. The little bear and his friend on the top of the mountain are little shy, but kind-hearted creatures, and the blue footed boobies dance like we do.
Yesterday, Satu showed me how they dance. She did it perfectly, arching her back and swooshing the air around her with her outstretched wings. Then she settled back in to her center and bobbed just a little from side to side, gathering herself before lifting one blue foot into the air with her tail feathers pointed to the sky. It was absolutely perfect. It made me laugh and laugh. It is so wonderful to get to laugh like that, totally in the little fantasy that she created. To an outsider it probably would have seemed as strange as any two wild creatures could be, but here, in our happy nest, it is just another day with the most wonderful woman in the world.

Everything is Going to be Okay

Today I got the best gift anyone has ever given to me. Satu revealed the project that she has been working on for me for the last few months and it is better than I could have imagined. She found a book called "Everything is Going to be Okay," and has spent months adding to it little hand drawn, clever pictures and cutouts that make it about me and to me. There are too many wonderful bits in this book to cover in one post, so I plan to take it a page at a time and write about where these wonderful characters came from and how she worked to make it truly a piece of art.

Here is one of the pages she made just for me.

This is a map of my native wetlands. She knows my heart so well that she can map it from memory. Satu says that she says good night to me even when I am not home. I feel like she is the only one in the world who could know my heart like this, and wherever she is is the only home I want. 

Today is April 13, 2015 and it is now the day that should be our anniversary. I think that no ceremony or day or occasion of any kind could be more of a testament to love than the gift that she gave me this afternoon.

Everything is going to be okay.

I put this bullshit here.

Hey, hey you, what are you doing? I put this bullshit here. Right here.

I SAID, I PUT THIS BULLSHIT HERE!

So much sunshine per square inch

Last night I came home to a wonderful surprise. My sweet girl got me a bottle of fancy jasmine bath salts and with it I found this card.

She has started to leave special six hour tea lights on for me when she goes to bed so that I can come home to a warmly lit, safe feeling bedroom. It helps me if I wake up with a light on, but it also helps me feel loved to go to sleep that way, surrounded by slowly dancing amber shadows.

Last week we had a visit from her family which was fun, I like them, but I much prefer to have her all to myself. It really made me feel thankful for our quiet little nest and the happy times that we spend around each other. 

Our little home is my favorite place on earth. Satu fills it with delicious smells and laughter. I can not imagine a better life for us. 

Just wait. It will be okay.

I have plenty of things that I need to write about right now. Satu is pulling out all of the girlfriend stops. She is looking adorable and fierce all of the time.

I mean seriously!! I can't even bring myself to filter this one because she is just BOMB AS HELL!

Also, she has been working almost non-stop on the art project that is for me to wear or eat or put on the wall/ bookshelf. Who knows. It is really exciting, but sometimes it means that I am not allowed in the room. I want to post all of the picture hints about this project, but I am going to wait until I can scrutinize them for new information. The nature of this thing is very mysterious. The only thing I can really be sure about is that it is probably everything.

Saturday at work I had a panic attack. It is pretty rare for me to have one during the day, but I was pretty far behind with school work and it has been really busy and stressful there, plus there are projects coming up that require money that I haven't made yet. All of this balls up in my head and turns into a panic attack with teeth and grey hair in the center. Satu came to the rescue immediately in her little grey ambulance. I imagine her speeding through traffic, cursing grandmothers and "handicrappers" on the way for driving the speed limit. "Move it nanna! My baby needs me!" She scooped me up and got me home. She just kept pushing my shoulders down from my ears and patting me on the leg until I finally started acting like a human again. 

I want to sit and write a little more about the mystery thing, the cat's crooked fuck you face and the wonderful person that my girlfriend is, but right now the hairy, toothy panic ball is a little too big. I have to divert my time to school and work, but it is not because I prefer to think about those things. I just don't want my sweet girlfriend to have to come scoop me up and drug me because I can't get my shit together. 

Just hang on baby, Better days and better posts are just around the corner.