Getting older, wiser and weirder

 It's kind of hard to see yourself from a perspective outside yourself. I am surprised all the time by the deepening lines by my mouth, the un-recognizable white haired lady that sometimes shows up in my mirror if it's been too long since I've colored my hair. 

You tell me you are feeling that too, struggling to find anything graceful about this process. Let me tell you how I see you then. 

You are more beautiful to me than when I first saw your picture and knew that you were someone special in this world. My heart stops when our eyes meet because I think it is listening for yours. 

The world is not kind to or interested in people our age, but I'm starting to enjoy flying under the radar. You've gotten more secure and confident about sharing your heart with me, and somehow more protective of it with the rest of the world. 

There were a few years when you didn't delight in the shape of things, or the exploration of the world. Work was stealing your ability to enjoy your own mind I think. It's been such a relief to see you returning to things like building lego plants, digging in the garden and leaving the bodies for me on the driveway. Laughing. Exploring the colors of different ink.  

Isn't the trick always to allow yourself to be who you are right now? Our bodies and our experiences change with every day that passes. I loved being young with you, and I love getting older with you. Sometimes I wish I had the strength and beauty that I think drew you to me however many years ago. Before I had you to lose, I seemed stronger, but I wasn't. I've never been touched by such gentle, warm hands before. I can't imagine not feeling that love with you. 

I know there are fewer late night conversations to be had. Less discovery of each other, and more discovery of the world together and apart. I want to continue to have endless vacation photos of clouds and frogs and mushrooms with you. I want to chase the cats with you when we are too old to move fast and they are too old too. 

I'm missing you terribly today, but  when I think about you, it's warm, not lonely. I hope you are at home drawing more of these things right now. I hope that you feel loved.