LL2

 Star shorts and a tee:

This ensemble is the cozy time standard. The tee is from freestate which made the beer that brought us together. (Well, the beer didn't hurt, but we are also together because of being a balanced partnership full of laughter, wonder and joy.)

I always like Satu in a white tee shirt. I think it might be a sexy, lady  James Dean sort of a thing. Anyway, that saucy look is because our cat is trying to edge in on her Friday night sushi treat. That's a hard no. 

The shorts are such favorites that they are getting a bit threadbare. Over the years that we have been together, the sky has gone from moonless midnight black to full moon on a snowy evening blue. They are still the best. One day they will probably burn right off of her sleeping body with a little crackle. Satu is a hot sleeper, and I think they are thin enough now to ignite on some particularly dry summer night. 

Lesbian Lingerie

 You may know from watching porn or seeing almost any meme on the internet that some lesbians like to wear beautiful, silky, sexxxy things to bed. Many lesbians like to have pillow fights and group bubble baths as well. Satu and I are not those lesbians though. We are this kind of lesbian:

For a while I have wanted to start a sexxxy fashion blog to showcase some of Satu's best bedtime outfits. Sexy is not about wearing something with confusing straps that drapes alluringly off of a shoulder or disappears into the folds of a derri-area. Sexy is in her beautiful voice whispered in my ear, her bare skin and her knowing smile. The fashion speaks for itself. Satu's lingerie is about eating popcorn in bed, making sure she doesn't sweat to death in her sleep and also about not giving a single solitary fuck about what other women wear to bed. She knows that I think she is the sexiest person alive. She knows that she is my dream girl, so the LL posts that follow this one are snaps of some of my favorite outfits and looks. I think they say a lot about why she is the only person I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. 

I am writing this from work

 Because this is where I am as I am missing Satu right now. I usually miss her whenever she is not around. At this point in my life, I feel more like myself in her presence than I do when alone. That's not to say I can't be alone, or don't enjoy doing my own thing, but everything is more fun for me with Satu.

I can enjoy the sounds of the ocean, watching lightning bugs or cooking, but only her presence makes the experiences the best that they can be. 

Lately, Satu and I have been able to work together some. This always makes work seem less like work and more like free time. 

We have had a couple of weird food lunch dates that really have broken up the soul crushing monotony of some of the inventory project we have been working on.

This picture is from our new date spot called Dagu Rice Noodle. For me, I really, really love when I can be with Satu experiencing something new and exciting for her. When she laughs or investigates the world with that wide eyed look that she gets, it fills my heart in a way that nothing else does. 

2020 is a year of many surprising experiences. At least we get to have them together. 

Satu belongs to the world

I feel lucky and selfish. I live with someone who actually has meaning in this world. The world is mostly a dead end, but the rest of us keep searching.We keep looking for a noble fight to give meaning to our lives. Satu gives herself to everyone she meets. She  embodies everything I believe is true. 

Beauty is true.

Honesty

Compassion

Hope

True

Curiosity

Shelter

Fire

Love

True

Fierce

Kind

secret

True

stronger than water

She is never not herself. It's wonderful to be with someone so real and trustworthy. She is comfortable with discomfort and willing to own it. She is compassionate to everyone, but especially animals and especially the small ones. Yesterday at work she saved two grasshoppers from the busy factory floor.

Every day she does the same for me. 

Vanilla White Person Soft Mountain Playlist

The world continues to throw me and I keep getting home a little more fragile, with a few more cracks in my armor. Lets face it, my shield was always made of paper, but it is pretty tattered lately.

Home rituals and art or music that is isolated from our current world is like my zen garden or fortress of solitude.

Remember when we thought that the War on Terror was such a threat to our way of life? I do. Now, the biggest threat to my country is the president. I knew there was the fringe, but I just thought that most people want the good guys to win. You know, the good guys, the hard working women, the blue collar, but empathetic and intelligent fathers of daughters who want to be astronauts. The black men and women who support their communities and care for each other. The immigrants who risk everything to bring opportunity to their families.

My grandfather left his family in the recession for the only job that would support them at the time. He didn't know it was for real, but he figured he could trust the guy who gave his word. He broke down on the way and sold his car for a bus ticket so he could get to Tampa and walk to his new job and feed his family.

That kind of Paul union good guy.

I feel like the only world that I can believe in now is the one that Satu and I make together and the few gentle people in this little nest. My sister, my parents, well, let's face it, most of the time everyone in the world. I am a trusting person. This new world is not my thing. I am the kind of person that strangers cover in aluminum blankets at the airport. The bus driver makes sure I wake up for my stop. The waiter makes chases me out the door with my purse.

My beautiful wife protects me from mean people. She keeps me safe from the sad things and the sharp things, but this world is getting both of us.

Our  refuge is snuggled up in our jammies watching "Bones" on Hulu. Simpler times...murder, science, terrorists...

At bedtime, we now play a couple of stations for music.

The first one is vanilla white person soft mountain and the other is vanilla white person dark hallway.

Soft mountain is characterised as soothing folk with some country influences, but not the ignorant kind of country.

Dark hallway is all haunting cello music. It makes me happy that we have our own little music ritual. It is a completely non-political, uncool, disconnected sort of thing. We will belt out some Patti Larkin and fall asleep with the dog between us.

2020 can suck it, we will be here in our home eating popcorn and watching the world burn to our own happy soundtrack.

 

What is our new world going to be like?

It's very clear that we are living in a new time. People will probably talk about this year or these years like they talk about the Vietnam war or the Great Depression. Covid 19 is a thing that seems like it might permanently change everything.

It is uncertain right now if our country's financial structure is going to completely collapse or if healthcare will become an even more divided, system of privilege and poverty.

Will we ever get to smile at strangers again in the grocery store or hug someone who's having a rough day at work? Will we go people watching on a warm day for sport or gather with the neighbors for a friendly drink?

I'm not a traditionalist. I can embrace change, but not isolation. I worry that I can never pat a stranger's dog again in the park or join an Aikido class in person.

Is wrestling going to be a sport in the future? Will I be to scared to go to the hospital if I do get sick? How can I protect Satu from something you can't see? It seems unreasonable to be more worried about Covid than cancer. but you can't give cancer to your mom. Cancer doesn't close down your favorite places and put you out of work.

I wonder when the sun will come out? Will it be in time for us to meet Nick and Cat's new babies? Will more people at work get laid off? Will we be able to keep the house if our economy collapses?

This is a bit of a nervous post, but I am grateful that I have Satu to share this quiet, scary new world with. Stay healthy. Stay in love and keep laughing my sweet girl. You are the sunshine I need every day.

re-cycle

Satu can do a deadpan. She's clever and funny with a turn of phrase, but what tickles me most is when she plays it seriously, but does something completely whimsical.

After she spent most of the evening squirting me with the water gun we have to keep he cat in line, we revisited how I have absolutely zero hand eye coordination in my natural habitat.

That's weird for a person who is as physical as I am. I can put on my game face and perform all kinds of athletics, but in normal life I miss the trash can even when I am standing over it.

Satu thinks this is the funniest thing in the world. She can detach and ignore her body like no one I've ever known, but she is also incredibly graceful and powerful in her body. She can pick me up with expert balance, knows exactly how long her arms are and seems to understand exactly how I experience her touch.

We spent about 15 minutes on the instant slow-motion replay of me dropping a wad of paper next to the trash can and laughing . She's a wonderful clown and she can excavate comedy from every situation. She's a student of the art of goofy play time. It's part of the reason that she is super popular with all animals and children.

I love having a life that always has the potential for play at any moment. It's like getting to have a sleep over with your best friend at their house every night.

social distance sucks

But if I have to hide from germs, at least I get to do it with Satu.

The city is shut down. Craft stores are closed, restaurants are closed there are no shows, concerts, sports or parties to be had during this time of plague.

It hasn't really changed my life much though because the person I want to see most in the world lives with me. I don't care too terribly much about the rest of the world.

We put out our Easter decoration, just like normal times.

Yesterday, Satu seemed a little under the weather which is kind of freaking me out. She was still strong enough to pick me up and carry me around the house, so I decided that it's not yet time to get too worried. We are still full of hope, full of laughter and happy to come home to the coziest place in the world. 

Ice graveyard, moving art and shiny shoes

It's been a little bit since i have posted about my wonderful wife. Since the last post, we have had trips to Georgia, home cooked meals and weekend pajama parties (no guests.) The winter has been very warm and cozy. We are becoming cat ladies now with two inside ones and an outside one that talks up a storm to Satu, but runs away as soon as I poke my head around the corner.

Satu keeps herself busy. The last time it snowed, she painstakingly chipped up huge slabs of ice from the driveway and erected an ice graveyard along the side yard. When I came come at night, my headlights made long spooky shadows out of the jagged ice cemetery. For some reason, good enough is never good enough for Satu. Her shoveled driveways have to be completely flat with smooth lines along the edges. Her towels must be hung up wrinkle free, and her bread must be cut into triangles.

She's wonderful, quirky and she likes things the way she likes them. If it can't be alphabetized or color coded, then it will be grouped by theme. I bring so much chaos into that. I can not be grouped with anything else in her life, I have nothing but wrinkled edges and I barely know my colors. Still I feel loved and prized beyond anything else in her life.

Tonight she made me soup when my back knotted up and I had to move around the living room like a broken old lady. She drew me a bath and spent all day with me being still and watching TV.

Last week she made two pairs of my shoes look brand new again. I didn't even ask, she just did things for me for no reason. She's been keeping peace at the house and making sure everyone here gets the pats they need and the love she expresses differently to all of us. For the dog, it's gentle pats on the chest and tossing the toys about when he trots around the house with his tail up.

Basie has a spot to curl up and take shelter on the chair next to Satu. She gets a little rough-housing in the evening when she's feeling up to it.

She burbles softly to the kitten all day, giving him rides about the house on her back and keeping him out of harms way.

We have a fun home to come home to. Satu created a sculpture that sways gently in the wind and hangs from another sculpture over our TV. She needs to keep our private little world happy and alive by bringing new wonder to it from time to time. For me,  it's wonderful anytime she is here.

This Friday is Valentine's day. I think it will be our 13th together. Though neither of us care much about the holiday, I can't imagine ever spending it anywhere but in our warm home with her. I no longer really care that much about the things I cared about when I was young. I don't worry about what I am going to do next, as long as I can always do it with her.

Lately I have started thinking of what we might be like when we are old. Like when we are retired and I can't see at all and Satu has more grey hair than brown. I always imagine us laughing. It's what we do best together. We see the world in completely different ways, but we are the same enough to get the other's jokes immediately. She surprises me every day of our lives in a delightful, just starting to get to know you kind of way, but I feel like I have always been with her. I feel like myself when we are together and a little distant from the world when she isn't with me.

Satu, I hope you will be with me until we are strange, laughing old ladies, there is no one else I'd rather share these laughs with. The best years are ahead.