BFB BFF

Never just one emotion

My wife is a champion multitask-er. Last night while we were watching a Netflix show "Mortified," she was also looking up random things on both her laptop and her phone. There is some part of her brain that can continue to look at pipes, categorize them and still tap into the feeling of being an awkward teen and connect with other people laughing at their younger selves. Later she told me that she felt a little sad and desperate.

I know she has had a challenging time at work recently. I think everyone worries that they might not be how they see themselves. I worry all the time if I am really a good boss, or not, but I forget often that Satu is not always as confident as she seems. It is bewildering to me that my wife can do so many things at once and be as aware as she is about all of those things, but I never realized before that she also has constant emotional conflict. She had to tell me that she was sad because she knows that I can't always recognize it. One of the things that make it even harder for me to see her feelings is that she can feel constant and deep sadness and happiness at the same time. We were just laughing at people sharing stories about growing up. That laughter was true and real, but it just mixes with the sadness for her.

For me, I generally have just one dominant emotion. This is partly why my panic attacks can go on for hours, because fear will hijack my brain and nothing else gets in while it is in charge. When I feel sad, I only feel sadness. Even something decidedly good and happy registers as sad if that is the dominant emotion. Beauty is sad, laughter seems distant, love feels like an ache.

When I feel happy, I feel a million percent happy, the sun feels good, or the rain feels nice or the cold is crisp and makes me feel excited to cozy up in my house. When I am excited about something, my brain just keeps going back to the daydream.

This experience must be profoundly different for Satu though. What must it feel like to be always a little sad, even during the best of days, while chasing the cat or laughing with a friend? She is probably always a little happy too though, that's her curiosity and her sense of humor just making her this bright eyed funny person who always knows something about you by the tilt of your hat or your odd choice of words. The curious and the funny are always there, even when anger, worry or sadness are taking over the stage.  She has learned to be direct with me about how she is feeling because her demeanor doesn't change.Now I just ask how she wants me to be there for her, but I feel helpless for not being able to make her happy. Usually, she knows just what to say to make me feel loved and supported, but she is not as quick to shift as I am.

When I am sad and she hugs me or just sits next to me, knowing I am loved makes me feel less sad.It's like going from dark blue to lighter blue. With Satu though I imagine it is different. More like sadness comes out of it's box and happiness, fear, joy, jealousy, hopefulness and all the other emotions just stay there at the party hanging out too. 

I wish there was a way to help Satu experience the happiness she deserves and not get overwhelmed by the bad stuff. She could quit her job, but she doesn't really like not making money and she gets bored and feels useless without one. She could do art full time, but she needs a social outlet and that's more solitary work. How do we find the right balance? Is there a right balance?

For now, I think the best I can do is put up this post to remind her that she's my special person. Satu, I love you so much that that is the only emotion that I can feel most of the time. I hope it is enough to bring some happiness to the mix.