The droids are back!!!!

And they are up to their old tricks.

I am pleased to report that the droids, who must have been scared into hiding by the move have finally come out and started to explore their world.
They were inspired by a little heart picture I drew on my hand. I guess they wanted to have their own heart and were willing to try to take one from our kitchen statue which we have named toxic clocks-a-lot.

It seems that they underestimated toxic clocks-a-lot and didn't make much of a plan. Consequently...

He guards his heart like my sweet girlfriend guards my tender heart. 

Fortunately, these mischievous little fellows never let their spirits fall. The very next day Satu found them trying to shave our cat!

When Satu interrupted the ambush they tried to make a quick get away. I guess they thought that she was upset about the razor, not the cat because they tried to return it hastily.     

               

Then they tucked themselves away in their cozy hiding place. I can't wait until they come back out to make another ruckus. I love them sooooo much and I am really glad they have come back out. 

Ebola pantry, rape whistles and foggy glasses

As with any close family, Satu and I are building that kind of history that leads to new language and quirks. Outsiders would most likely turn this show off in a few minutes, but to us we are a hilarious sitcom. We now have an Ebola pantry in the basement because I am scared of illness and the recent Ebola outbreak, no matter how distant flips my shit from time to time. Satu stocked away some dry goods so that while the rest of the world is living out scenes from "The Stand" we can eat oreos and cous cous. Whenever we run out of some staple, it can now be found in the ebola pantry.

Last night while we were in the Barnes ad Noble, we saw that among their Christmas gift offerings was a genuine US Army survival kit. It included a cheap compass, canteen, some manner of handbook (probably titled hooah) and some other child sized military nick knacks. I remarked that there was no Marine Corps survival kit which I am sure simply contains a flask and a rape whistle. The rape whistle of course doesn't work, when you blow into it it just titters yoo-hoo. Clearly there is not much funnier than an off color rape joke, especially if it has some background in your bitter military experience. We have been giggling and shouting yoo hoo at each other all night.

Then there is this little off hand comment that struck me so funny I had to kneel down on the sidewalk. Satu and I were out walking out dogs one evening she was wearing a cute little hat and her usual petite, well cut jacket and I was wearing a stocking cap with a little ball on the top. Gosh she says, I hope we don't seem like thugs, do we look like trouble? No, I assured her that we were probably not going to be targets for a drive by while we are out walking two fat dogs. "Well", she said "I sure hope I don't have to cut a bitch because my glasses are all fogged." This is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard her say. I giggle about it all the time partly because she is such a tiny, proper sweet little thing, and partly because I know that absolutely, without a doubt she will cut a bitch if she has to.

You've been hit by.. you've been struck by... Cold Genitals.

Since moving into our new place here in the city, we have given up our tiny little back yard and have had to walk our poor little dogs several times a day. This time of year that means getting all bundled up and skiing behind Gimmie in hot pursuit of squirrels and bunnies. He apparently hates small furry animals. There can be only one!

My idea of bundling up involves putting a sweatshirt over whatever I slept in and finding dry shoes. Satu on the other hand has a process. There are layers that have to go on in a certain order. Sweatpants will never do. There is a scarf wrapping process so elaborate, it must have its roots in some ancient Japanese ceremony and there are choices to be made concerning hats. Usually the dogs and I wait at the back door for a few minutes getting acclimated to the freeze and tangling and untangling ourselves while the process wraps up.

I did not know that sometimes layering involves the construction of an extra warm layer called the vagina guard. Satu explained that the key to a warm heart is a warm hoo hoo and belted out a chorus of her new theme song. You've been hit by... you've been struck by... cold genitals. We laughed and laughed all the way around the block with our untrained, poorly behaved, but very sweet dogs singing that classic Michael Jackson tune and holding each other up.

Winter has come way too early this year. We still have warm weather projects to finish and I am a slow study with the fireplace. Satu however can coax a roaring fire out of ashes that have been sitting overnight. I honestly think that she just wills fire into being. She is trying her best to keep me warm though and I can honestly say that her embrace is the warmest place in the world. There is no where in the world that I would rather be.

Never not funny

My girlfriend has an uncanny ability to take any situation and find the dark humor somewhere within it. I find everything about her amusing even, unfortunately, her anger. Don't get me wrong, it is scary when a little fireball like Satu gets angry, but it is also hilarious to see a 100 pound woman stomp as if she was any ogre or raise both her eyebrows into a withering, soul burning, piercing stare.

This has been a very busy week, When Satu hasn't been up early to let the floor guys into the house, I have been up late having unreasonable panic attacks. One of the things I look forward to the most is the little moments when she looks at me lovingly and strips down to her socks and moon walks.  Those are the moments that I know are just for me, but make me so proud to be with the most wonderful, sexy, beautiful, funny, sweet, loving woman in the world.

It's been too long

It has been three busy months since I last wrote about my happy little family. In that time our little house has started to become the house of my dreams. Satu sold the Atlanta home and set about making a new little nest for us. She is like the most dedicated little birdy in this regard.Shiny things arrive and become part of our dream while things that don't fit us anymore get thoughtfully set aside. She has been working so hard to get the floors ready and to make the space uniquely ours.

Here I am eating the world in my grungy work clothes with my witch hair. I am so happy!

A couple of weeks ago, Satu and I were out looking for curtains when I stumbled on a beautiful dresser in the store. It was blue with inlaid shells. I kind of casually mentioned how much I liked it, but didn't consider it seriously because it was really expensive. Satu went back the next day and bought it. The next time I went to the new house with her, it was there in the bedroom. When I saw it I think I squealed with surprise and happiness. What a wonderful, perfect present. It was so thoughtful and sweet of her to get it for me. She really does listen and care for me and I can tell that she truly wants me to be happy just like I want to make her happy.

Satu is a true partner in every way. She shares her laughter and also her fears with me. It is something that I think is very rare and special. If there is one person in the world who has probably never, ever in her whole life committed the crime of over-share it is my sweet little song bird, yet she is honest and unguarded with me. I always feel close to her in a way that I have never felt before.

Right now she is sleeping peacefully beside me. She is always bone tired because she works so hard. Everything she does, she works hard at, not just the house, or our family, but all of the details of life. I have never met a harder working, more earnest, more sweet or a more kind person than she. Our house will be full of laughter, music, happiness and love as long as she is in it. But then, Satu could make a woodshed feel like a wonderful place to come home to.

Houses, paperwork and summer colds

Today should be a great day for me and Satu, we just closed on a house. Unlike most lesbians, who generally shack up within days of their first flirt, Satu and I waited over five years. It's not that we didn't love each other, or want to live together, we were just never able to do it until now. Now we are moving out of our rental into a home of our own that we can make ours in a way that we have never been able to before.

Here is the new place from the outside. It has had some landscaping done since, but still pretty much the same. Most of the houses in the neighborhood are similar. We opted for the good neighborhood with very high taxes and good schools so that we could hopefully find an established and friendly community of people like us.

So, as you can see by the pictures, we should be spending tonight celebrating our awesome new house in an awesome new neighborhood where we are going to make lots of friends and have a happy life with our strange little family of animals. Instead, we are in bed blowing our noses on toilet paper and toasting with nyquil.

This is what is causing Satu to feel miserable and to hate me a little for bringing into our home. It's also in our ears, chests and throats. Right now it is probably fucking up our credit scores too. It is that bad.

We have made it through this whole process, the paperwork that never ends, the hemorrhaging of money and personal information. Through it all, Satu has been her usual, worried yet optimistic hard working, level headed self. We should be toasting to her and shopping for tile, but I guess it will have to wait until next week.

Here are some major differences between how Satu handles illness and how I handle it.

1. As long as I am not nauseous, I think it can't be that bad.
    Satu can handle nausea without losing her cool, but she worries about odd things like arm tingling and flesh eating bacteria.

2. When I am sick, Satu feels sorry for me and does sweet things like makes soup and feels my forehead empathetically.
     When Satu is sick, I do my best, but mostly I pace, worry and check in on her from the doorway like a child.

3. Satu heals patiently, suffering with perfect poise.
    I sneeze and whine about it to the dogs and strangers. Little known fact, infirmity also loves company.

I hope that by next Friday we both feel better and can raise a toast properly in our new house. For now, we'll just curl up here and try not to let our germs mingle.

Here comes the sun

It has been a long semester for me at school and I have missed out on a lot going from work to the books and usually about a day behind on everything. I am a couple of months behind on posting, but Satu hasn't stopped being wonderful even for a second. Here is a quick list of some of the things that she has done since my last post. She makes my heart swell with happiness.

She brought me tea in my own little kettle while I was studying. Satu has a lot of different types of tea and can always seem to pick the right one for any occasion. Who knew that fortnum and mason (fort-num-num-num) was for statistics finals? My girlfrang did.

We a spontaneous game of hide and chase where she scurried away to hide and I patiently tried to lure her out of her hiding spot with some goldfish crackers. This is a technique that I saw Satu use just tonight with a raccoon and an oreo. It worked better with the little backyard bandit than it did with her. I did eventually get her to take the crackers, but she just retreated back to her spot behind the chair and spit them at me one at a time. She didn't come out until I sang my mating song, and even then it was just to stare me doing my very odd song and dance.

There were Easter presents. Lots of them and a basket full of really good chocolate. One of my favorite things is how she takes the time to draw on wrapping paper and make little notes on cards with sweet little drawings all over them. When Satu gives you a present, she presents you with it and she makes it for you. It really made me feel loved.

She made cookies for the guys at work. Twice. It was like watching 5 year olds try to wait two minutes for an oreo. No one looked at the powerpoints during the meeting. It was just a room full of guys squirming in their chairs with eyes darting to the cookies and then at each other. You could actually see the deliberation going on within them, torn between wanting more delicious cookies and not wanting to seem greedy. The cookies were all gone at the end of the meeting.

This whole time while I have felt overwhelmed by work and school, Satu has kept things going. Even though she hates talking on the phone and interacting with strangers, she has managed all of the daily things that come up. I haven't had to worry about any of that stuff for a while.

Now that spring is here and we are able to venture out in the world, I am really looking forward to explorimg our city together.

The rest of us are shitty...

But we're hers.

We all love to be around Satu. She is so magnetic and sweet to the little animals. Here she is watching birds with Gimmie and Josie. Gimmie wants to eat the birds and squirrels, but Satu just keeps the backyard feeders wildlife friendly and keeps the little hunter company. Just look at her bathed in sunlight like a saint.

Now look at the rest of us.

Snaggle-toothed and snoring,

With our bellys hanging out

Getting into every thing,

Not even knowing when we have chocolate on our teeth and glitter on our lips.

Indeed!

Beautiful on the inside

I mean really, just look at that strong jawline and beautiful brain housing group. Like many beautiful things, this is also a little fuckered up. I don't know anything about anything, but Satu explained to me that those ones that look like top hats are supposed to look like squares, and the one at the bottom that looks like it is sharp and poking into something is actually sharp and poking into something.
This is the source of much of my sweetheart's constant pain. When I say constant, I mean every second for the last 20 years, no matter what, various levels of pain that she just deals with because she doesn't like to take too much Advil. Really, there are still a few people that strong in the world. Well, at least one person, I suspect that she is her own category.

Lately we have been working out together in spite of all the injury that Satu deals with, it drives her crazy to sit on the sidelines. I have been trying to get to the second level of Insanity for a year. Usually, I get through the first month, but can't quite drag myself through the level 2 workouts and I have to give up for a while. Satu, who has never worked out in her life, just tossed aside the beginner program I bought her and jumped right in the deep end with me. She figured work around angles for things that her fused spine and cramped wrists won't do and gets through the workouts much better than I did the first three times I worked through the level. Her participation means that I spend about 50% less time face down on the floor too, so that she doesn't think I am weak.

Satu is one of those folks with great genes who has always been slender and fit. It is a new thing for her to have limits, and I must say that it's kind of impressive to watch her just keep going and going and going. I just hope that she can let herself heal enough and give herself the same kind of love and acceptance that she has always shown me when I am pushing too hard or too fast for my own good.

Awkward moments on early dates.

1. Drooling:
One morning Satu and I were out shopping on the weekend. As sometimes happens, when she goes into her purse for something, she sometimes pulls out a little treat to offer me. It is always WONDERFUL to get a surprise candy. On this particular day we had pulled up in front of the bookstore and when Satu was done wrestling with her purse, her hand emerged with a piece of chocolate. I'm sure my eyes bugged out with delight. Usually there is a tic tac in her hand, or sometimes a lifesaver, but chocolate!? CHOCOLATE! She asked me if I would like a piece of chocolate and when I opened my mouth to say yes please, I drooled onto my shirt. Just an unrecoverable big drip of greedy drool. We laughed for a good while and she still gave me  the chocolate.

2. Hitting myself in the face with her car:
 On one of our earliest dates, we went to the neighborhood diner for a very late night meal. I can only do one thing at a time and since our relationship was really fresh, it took all of my focus to just deal with being in love. When it was time to get in the car, I opened the passenger side door directly into my forehead. Hard. Satu saw the whole thing, but to spare me embarrassment, she pretended that she didn't know what happened. She nudged me into the seat and took me home to ice the goose egg growing above my eye. It was a year later when she confessed to seeing the whole thing and holding in her laughter.

3. Accidental crying:
I am an accidental crier. You never know when it is going to happen. Romantic comedy? Yes. Quiet dinner in a public place? Yes to both happy crying or sudden melancholia. Sappy songs? Check. Break a lamp? Lots of tears. Pretty much unstoppable.
I am not sure why I was crying that day on Satu's couch. Perhaps I was happy, perhaps I was sad or hungry or cold or the wind was blowing to the north east. I cry. I am an emotional house of cards. My dog Sassy worries about this, and as Satu and I were talking our way through whatever emotional landmine she had stepped on, Sassy (who is almost as big as Satu) climbed up on the couch and sat on her chest. This turned the conversation into instant laughing. The best way to make me stop crying is to make me laugh. What a good dog.

4. Not a good gentleman
Satu was meeting my friends Michael and Julia for the first time and we chose a breezy night and a poorly heated coffee shop. Since it was an early date, Satu did not want to ruin the allure of her pretty outfit with a coat. She spent an hour freezing and shaking and when she finally asked if I had anything warm in my truck, I said yes, but it was too ugly to put on her. It took a lot of convincing for me to offer her the uniform flight jacket that still had the smell of JP8 and Iraq all over it, but when I brought it to her, she snuggled up in it like a little kitten.

We continue to have awkward moments because I am an awkward girl, but they are opportunities to laugh with each other, not times to worry about. Satu knows that I will never be smooth or mysterious, and as good as those qualities can be, I guess she also likes happy and honest and loyal and emotional. Praise the Lord.

Thunder girlfriend

Thundershirt! What a wonderful invention. I am a very physical animal, so when my body is comfortable, my mind eventually catches up.

Here is a thundershirt on a really pretty dog

This is what I would probably look like if I was a dog in a thunderstorm.

I don't bite, but I get all wound up and ready to explode.

Satu has had me figured out since we met. She knows exactly how to be calming and exactly how to be agitating if need be. I think she got the idea to apply pressure when I am ramping up to a panic attack from listening to Temple Grandin talk about her squeeze box (honestly, another brilliant and wonderful sounding invention.) I don't know really where the inspiration came from, but it I am very lucky to have a girlfriend so clued into how I work.

Generally a panic attack starts like this. I'm asleep, then awake, then confused and my heart starts to pound.
I get up to pace a little, which doesn't help, but it keeps me from feeling trapped. By the time I come downstairs, I look like I just got out of the dryer, all bunched up and hot and still a little moist. Satu talks to me in a calming voice and gets me to either sit or lay down someplace quiet. Then she presses on the center of my chest a little. That has the same effect on me that it does on a lot of dogs. It makes my brain think about, well, I guess about nothing. I just feel happy. Whenever the shaking quiets down, Satu drapes herself on me like a warm thundershirt. There is nothing in the world more centering than wrapping my arms around her and relaxing into that perfect pressure.

Ahhh. Thundergirlfriend.

What it think is also a little telling is how 180 degrees opposite Satu is about this, but she can still understand me and keep me calm. When she is agitated, she can't be touched, she has to be talked to and distracted entirely with her mind. She plays games on the computer or does crosswords, but touching her makes her feel trapped. We are an odd pair of animals that have found a common place to curl up together. I am a dog, loyal and trusting and happy hearted and she is a lion-hearted bird, unique to the world, curious and strong. What a wonderful kingdom of animals live here in our home.

Valentines Day

People always like to pretend that they don't care about Valentine's Day because it's commercial and forced... blah...blah... blah. I say that any time you get to spend just focusing on the love in your life is time well spent. Take the excuse. Eat good food and be naked. Do that as much as you can.

Truly, I think that this is one of the things that makes me a happy, grateful and satisfied person.

I believe in love. I believe it is the reason we all live.

I cry during all romantic comedies because I hate that part where people who are meant to be together lose each other

We took advantage of the holiday yesterday.

I planned to get Satu "William Shakespere's Star Wars," but when it came in the mail on Wednesday, it was so small that I figured that it would not be good for Valentines Day. She needs to know that I have a huge love for her.

Not one to delay either giving or receiving gifts, I gave the book to her on Wednesday. On Friday after work, the plan was to get some fuel for our stove and then get some flowers and really nice fillets for Valentines dinner on the way home. Unfortunately it took me hours to find a place that had pellets in stock. By the time I got home with the fuel and the tasty chow and flowers, it was too late to get the flowers hung from the ceiling and the notes wrapped around the stems like I had planned. Satu was already awake and **Hallelujah**  in the tub.

I got into bed to sleep the day away.

When I woke up, Satu had pulled the steaks out to rest. She knows about things like that.

She pulled out a surprise bottle of one of our favorite wines that she had been saving for months and poured us each a glass. Soooo wonderful.

Then she whipped up the most perfect steak dinner that history has ever known. For real.

Just before we settled in to our romantic dinner, she gave me my gift. There are two main parts:

Part one:

I saw this card in our local grocery last week and it really made me feel hopeful. Even Hallmark knows that love is precious wherever it is found.
Satu went back and conspicuously selected this card for me a midst a crowd of grandmothers and fathers looking for the right sentiments for their young people.

Then there was the TI 84 plus..

Absolutely glorious!! I would have never splurged on one for myself, but I am so thrilled to finally have a nice calculator.I couldn't believe it!! I am learning how to use all the awesome features now.

And finally there is this

After dinner Satu rolled out a desert surprise. Homemade chocolate covered strawberries. Not having much of a sweet tooth herself, Satu went through hours of confectionery, sticky hell to make this happen.  She went to three different stores for edible glitter and heart sprinkles. The strawberries were awesome. In fact, today she came down and saw my plate of strawberry tops and asked innocently which two I had eaten and if I liked them.
I had eaten 5. Yes I liked them and I liked the ones that looked like Chewbacca the best. Just call me glitter teeth ok? I am happier than I have ever been.
Finally, a Valentines day together in our own home.
The rest of the night is a secret. A wonderful, warm, sexxxy secret. I am so lucky.

Dear Doctor,

Dear Doctor,

My girlfriend has the heart of a lion, but right now it is unpredictable.Please take her seriously.

 She knows her body and you can believe whatever she says. She will seem fearless, because she controls her emotions carefully, but she wouldn't be in your paper gown if she wasn't worried. Listen to her heartbeat and then listen to what she says. She is loved more than you can imagine and the world needs her in it.

Please don't wait for something to go really wrong before you care about her. I love her now and I want to tell her that every day. You may not understand how wonderful she is, but I assure you that you have never met someone with a stronger, more beautiful, loving heart. If she brings it to you, practice your craft as if her heart was your greatest work of art.

I know that Satu will be OK. She is young, healthy and unbelievably willful, but it doesn't keep me from worrying about her. I can not even imagine a different life than the one that we share together. I want to keep it full of happiness, laughter and the strong, rhythmic beating of both of our hearts.

Yep it's winter

My girlfriend knows how to deal with winter. She has boots, she has scarves and 4 wheel drive. She plans cozy meals and tea to keep us warm.

I however, feel completely lost. I don't know how many shirts are appropriate for 20 degree weather or in which order you should put them on. I just want to put my cold hands on her somewhere and snuggle up in our bed. 

I do have these awesome new wool slippers that she gave me for Christmas and a heated blanket that I think of as home base in the mornings. Because she is afraid of our pellet stove, Satu always turns the heat down at night, so when I get home in the mornings, the downstairs is frozen. The dogs have learned that they can sleep on the bed with Satu if they just wait for her to fall asleep first. The cat just curls up on the other side and everyone is happy. By the time I come to bed, I have to kick off two dogs and wrestle my girlfriend away from the cat, but she always heats me right up. 

When Satu sleeps, her body temperature goes up about 10 degrees. It happens almost as soon as she falls asleep, which is weird since she is always cold when she is awake. The main reason that I am glad that we ended up in Ohio is that I get more snuggle time than I would have gotten otherwise.

Yep, it's winter and our home is cozy warm.